10
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 11, 2005
Combat single status
with what you desire
BY NIKKI WERKING
DEPUTY MANAGING EDITOR
For every Valentine’s Day since
the eighth grade the year when
my first boyfriend dumped me
three days before the lovey-dovey
holiday l’ve had a tradition.
I dress in black and generally
sulk all day, sneering at mushy,
starry-eyed couples cuddling in the
windows of Italian restaurants and
on benches tucked away in quiet
comers of campus.
Bitter and cliched? Well, yes.
But can you really blame someone
who’s been flying solo for every Feb.
14 of her life?
When we were kids, it was fun
I glued glitter to construction
paper and had an excuse to eat lots
of cookies laden with sprinkles and
pink-dyed frosting.
But now that we’re all grown up,
or at least pretend to be, let’s be
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honest: Valentine’s Day is impos
sible to escape, especially when
there’s nothing you’d like to do
more than make like an ostrich and
bury your head in the sand until
the day has come and gone.
Pink hearts, fuzzy teddy bears
donning Cupid costumes, over
priced chocolates and every other
red-tinted, tasteless gift imaginable
line the aisles of every department
store, grocery store, drug store and
Wal-Mart.
My roommate actually found
a box of Teenage Mutant Ninja
Turtles valentines that said
“Cowabunga!” in the center of a
bubble-gum pink heart.
The Hallmark holiday has des
ecrated Michaelangelo, Leonardo,
Donatello, Raphael and, yes, even
Splinter and Shredder. It’s dis
heartening.
Even the most unromantic of
Dating on the HiU
locales fall to Cupid’s reign of terror
—a friend last year went Bojangles
and found four couples cozying up
over deep-fried dinners.
I’ve tried different things to take
my mind off the day working,
gorging on ice cream, consuming
too much vodka, watching that epi
sode of “Friends” in which Monica,
Phoebe and Rachel ritualistically
bum memories of ex-boyfriends.
But this year, I’ve found a differ
ent strategy, one that has worked
so well in many other areas of my
life: apathy.
Really, what’s so wonderful
about being romantically attached?
It’s one more person who gets mad
when you forget to call and one
more person to suck the meager
savings out of your bank account.
No flower, no chocolates, no
cards, no fancy dinners? You might
actually save enough money to
buy that “Eternal Sunshine of the
Spotless Mind” DVD you’ve been
wanting. Or the unrated version of
“Anchorman: The Legend of Ron
Burgundy.” Or both. Whatever.
Better yet, bust the piggy bank
on something you’ve really been
eyeing but know you don’t really
need like those Steve Madden
high heels at Nordstrom or
“Madden 2005” for your Xbox.
Your gift to yourself will be infi
nitely better than any cheesy card
your flavor-of-the-week date could
have picked for you.
If nothing else works, a friend
suggests a foolproof answer: Case
to the Face.
Men drink 24 beers, women
drink 12, and by the time the ordeal
is done, no one remembers what
day it is or his or her own name,
for that matter.
But really, the important thing to
remember is that it’s just one day.
Feb. 15 will come, and Hallmark will
have failed to get any of your money.
All will be right in the world again.
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www.margaretscantina.com
Understanding key
in long-term love
BY CHRIS COLETTA
MANAGING EDITOR
This probably won’t come as a
surprise to many of you, but it’s not
always easy to make relationships
last.
The initial rush of getting one’s
heart intertwined with another’s is
one of life’s quintessential experi
ences. Then again, so is dealing
with the sordid aftermath of that
emotional flurry: the division of
mutual collections, the 3 a.m.
drunk dials, the pity hook-ups.
The only way to avoid this
unpleasantness, of course, is to stay
in a relationship. And I guess you
could say I’m pretty good at doing
just that.
As I write this story, I’ve been in
a relationship for a year and some
change. My previous missus and I
saw each other for 2 1/2 years and
remain friends to this day.
I admit it’s kind of sick, prob
ably too much like an episode of
“Full House.” So sue me. Some of
you like screwing around; I like
monogamy.
So does my girlfriend. Or at least
I imagine so.
At this point, it’s probably time
for a full disclosure: Her name’s
Laura. She works at The Daily Tar
Heel, but only twice a week, so
we don’t really see each other too
often.
And, like I said, she enjoys
monogamy. You might be asking,
“How do I know?” Easy: I asked
her. Over AOL Instant Messenger.
At first, she was confused.
“Monogamy can be important
for many reasons,” she typed.
“STDs, security.... I’m just trying
to figure out the angle here.”
Urn.
“The romantic angle,” I type
hopefully.
And then I wait. She’s poring
over some Securities and Exchange
Commission document on some
company I’ve never heard of before.
(Ifjp latty ®ar Hrel
It makes me feel stupid, but I can’t
help but admire her tenacity.
I guess this is how you make
long-term relationships work.
Finally, she responds.
“Specifically seeking a long-term
relationship doesn’t really work
because you can’t force it,” she
writes. “There is a certain amount
of work that is involved in any rela
tionship, but the focus shouldn’t be
labels it should be those involved
and where they are headed.”
I think that’s her special way of
saying she likes me. Insightful.
Now, at this point, I’ll stop and
throw all of you bitter single folks
a dime: I think, and my girlfriend
thinks, that Valentine’s Day is stu
pid. Who decided that a day smack
in the middle of wintry February
by all logical thought processes,
the real cruellest month would
be the day in which you celebrate
your relationship?
Don’t get me wrong. It’s probably
going to be a nice day Monday, and
I’m sure our advertisers wouldn’t
mind you chowing down at any of
their fine establishments or buying
their flowers.
But this entire “ooh, baby”
schtick? Spare me. If you’re not
able to celebrate your relationship
every day, it’s probably not going
to work on Valentine’s Day. Simple
as that.
Says Laura, “I personally don’t
see any significance behind the
day besides a chance to sell several
billion greeting cards, so I don’t
expect any presents or sweeping
romances. What counts isn’t what
they do for you on one day, but
what they do in the day-to-day.”
Word. And not just because it’ll
save me 30 bucks.
So if you’re going to dress in
black and listen to Joy Division
all day Monday, it’s cool. You can
come find me l’ll be the one in
the DTH office looking dishevelled
under a picture of Randy Travis.