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NICK PARKER
SUTTON'S HOT DOG SPECIAL
Life too
surreal
for B-list
failures
Celebrities are not real
people. This, I understand,
is no shocking surprise.
We all know that Jack Nicholson
is probably the devil, Dennis
Rodman is an alien or cyborg,
Bruce Willis can stop bullets with
his teeth and Keith Richards is
immortal.
A brief aside: I heard Richards
goes to Sweden every three years
for a complete blood transfusion.
Out with the old, in with the new,
like an oil change. This is one of
my life goals.
But for some reason I hon
estly believed that once they step
out of the spotlight, celebrities’
lives return to some semblance
of normalcy. Sure, Dustin
Diamond might still get called
Screech on the streets (I bet he
loves it when that happens) but
his day-to-day routine isn’t that
much different from that of us
normal people.
Wake up, shower, eat Fruity
Pebbles, mourn the death of your
dreams and the loss of past glory,
go to the grocery store, buy gas,
lie in the bathtub for an hour flirt
ing with the frayed cords of a hair
dryer while looking for the end of
the downward spiral your life has
become, watch “TRL,” get ready
for bed.
We all go through it. Or so I
thought.
But this weekend, in the dredg
es of a debilitating hangover and a
“Surreal Life” marathon, I realized
I’ve had it all wrong. Celebrities,
no matter how washed-up, short
lived or forgotten, can never again
be normal.
Maybe it’s the way we smother
them with attention and then
take it all away. Maybe it’s the
thrill of being popular just for
being pretty or weird, and the
shock of that not always being
the case. Maybe it’s rampant self
absorption and masturbatory
overindulgence. Maybe it’s the
money, drugs and alcohol. I’m
almost positive it’s the money,
drugs and alcohol.
But whatever the reason, these
people that we once praised as the
top tier of the social food chain
have become bottom-feeders,
searching for the scraps of self
promotion on E!, Spike TV and
VHI. They are forever warped.
And it’s bad enough that they
—and apparently we can’t
let go. But the worst part is that
they don’t seem to be able to deal
with the world in the same way as
everyone else. They really are liv
ing in a sort of surreality.
Seeing Chyna, the former
World Wrestling Federation
poster girl, chase a bottle of
vodka with a bottle of horse tran
quilizers (she’s a big girl) is more
depressing than funny. Seeing
Adrianne Curry, a 22-year-old
bombshell, shamelessly chase an
aging and clearly uninterested
Christopher Knight is a tragedy.
Seeing Verne Troyer, known as
nothing else than Mini Me from
the “Austin Powers” series, butt
naked, peeing off his scooter and
into a corner is just wrong... and
hilarious. Come on, the man was
hammered.
I can’t even begin to analyze
how twisted the romance between
Flava Flav and Brigitte Nielsen is
on “Strange Love.”
All it really proves is how ill
equipped these people are for a
natural existence. Can Da Brat
actually shop for potato chips
without kicking someone in the
teeth? Can Corey Feldman go
to a nightclub without breaking
into a choreographed ’Bos dance
number? Can Flava Flav leave the
house without his Viking hat and
oversize clock necklace?
I doubt it.
And I doubt there’s a single day
that passes without these people
looking back and wondering what
could have been. I know these
shows are heavily edited, and we
never see the whole story, but I
fear that pretty soon Los Angeles
will be a circus side show of surgi
cally enhanced has-beens. It has
to stop soon.
We’ve already got Anna Nicole
Smith.
Contact Nick Parker, a senior
journalism and English major,
at panic@email.unc.edu.
‘Sahara’ sinks film battleship
Unrealistic plot
meets sexy stars
BY MIKE SULLIVAN
STAFF WRITER
Fiery cannon flares pierce the
night sky, relentlessly bombarding
a floating tank gliding with the tide
in hopes of reaching safety. Within
their ironclad fortress, a hesitant
crew eagerly waits while the roof
of their carrier thunders from the
explosions above.
Fading into a mist that floats
just above the murky river, the ship
silently distances itself from the can
nons’ range, never to be seen again.
Could this disappearance mark
the beginning of a sci-fi thriller?
Will this mysterious steel fortress
fade in and out of existence only to
pirate innocent villages in its never
ending quest around the ocean?
Or could this entire opening scene
be an impractical flashback, setting
a state-of-the-art Civil War death
ship as an object of discovery for an
Indiana Jones impersonator to pur
sue in the 21st century? You betcha.
It’s springtime, and Hollywood’s
first wave of summer blockbusters
is here. Within two hours, unre
alistic dreams are forced to come
true. If they don’t, we’ll still have an
entertaining disappointment. That’s
exactly what the action adventure
“Sahara” becomes: an amusing waste
of seven dollars.
Leading the way is Matthew
McConaughey as Dirk Pitt, a wan
nabe Indiana Jones who will discov-
ART
FROM PAGE 13
innate to what they’re doing,” said
Kate Flory, executive administra
tor of the Chapel Hill Public Arts
Commission. “It’s just a matter of
finding that appropriate venue.”
Slavick points to artists who uti
lize art not as a form of escape, but
as a form of entrapment, exposing
the genocide, homelessness, preju
dices and survival that are inherent
in our world.
“All of these artists give us hope
for a better and more humane
world through their diverse and
incredible skills and vision as art
ists,” she wrote.
So where can Chapel Hill resi
dents satisfy their craving for polit
ical art of all wings, particularly
from the left?
Funny you should ask.
Temple Ball, an art gallery and
performance space in Carrboro,
plays host to such exhibits as
“Democracy Means You,” which
boasts locally produced stick
ers and postcards encouraging
political discourse. The art and
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Take 15/501 South towards Pittsboro
Exit Main St./Southern Village
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SIN CITY 11:45-4:15-7:00-9:35
MISS CONGENIALITY 2: E 7:20-9:45
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Friday, April 22 7:30 p.m. ■ 7:30 a.m.
MOVIES INCLUDE:
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Conan the Barbarian
Deathrace 2000
Transformers: The Movie
$5.00 Single Tickets after 11:00 p.m.
$6.50 RetroFantasma Double Feature*
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$50.00 Movie-A-Thonerminimum donationto qualify forprizes
Win two round trip tickets on
independence Air!
Register online or at The Carolina Theatre.
Visit www. carolinatheatre. org for schedule, registration
and more information.
independence air- flyi.com
THE CAROLINATHEATRE. NEVER ORDINARY. —A*
(919) 560-3030 • 309 West Morgan St. • Downtown Durham
Box Office Hrs: Mon-Fri ll am-9 pm Weekends 1:30 pm-9 pm
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COURTESY OF PARAMOUNT PICTURES
An Indiana Jones-esque Matthew McConaughey, with trusty sidekick Al (Steve Zahn), stars as the treasure
hunting Dirk Pitt in "Sahara.” The two search for a Civil War-era ship in the deserts of present-day Africa.
er the gold, save the girl (Penelope
Cruz) and save the world from an
environmental catastrophe.
The audience follows Dirk’s
twisting journey through Africa on
his pursuit of the elusive battleship.
How or why did the ship cross the
sea to settle in Africa? We’ll never
know, but somehow it got there and
we’ll just have to accept that. Dirk
and his wise-cracking side-kick Al
(Steve Zahn) encounter a beauti
ful eco-scientist concerned with
music venue also features work
by a Santa Monica, Calif., artist
called O he legally changed his
name. O’s work, most notably his
“Democracy,” questions the rela
tionship between government and
big business.
“I don’t know if art itself can
affect political change, but it
can create awareness,” said Rick
Ramirez, owner of Temple Ball.
“It makes the viewer think, plants
seeds of thought and acts as the
catalyst for change.”
Photo enthusiasts can turn to
local upstart publication Daylight
Magazine for more political fare.
The quarterly publication takes
advantage of the photo as a means
to address socially relevant issues.
The staff’s latest issue chroni
cles the conflict in Iraq, taken with
cameras they mailed to friends and
correspondents in the Gulf.
Taj Forer, a co-editor of the mag
azine, looks on his work and art in
general as a source of stimulation
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a plague spreading rapidly across
West Africa (Cruz). Together, the
tremendous trio sets off to encoun
ter the source of the disease in hopes
of also locating the treasure.
McConaughey and Zahn’s chem
istry as longtime friends excels
through many action sequences
where the two constantly laugh at
danger and never take themselves
too seriously. Although it’s obvious
that McConaughey and Cruz will
ultimately hook up, their entire
for both politicians and the general
public.
“In our truest moments, we all
turn to art for our inspiration. Even
the politicians,” Forer said.
Whatever the case, political art
is here to stay.
“I can see how it might dissuade
some people and be tiresome,”
Ramirez said.
“People have aversions to overtly
preachy musicians, for example.
But that doesn’t mean they should
be marginalized.”
Contact the A&E Editor
at artsdesk@unc.edu.
MONTY PYTHON &
THE HOLY GRAIL
Sunday, April 17 @ 2:oopm
FREE! oj£ct&
|| All movies shownin^Carolina UrtonAuditoriurrn
| FOR MORE INFORMATION CAU 962-2285. |
The award-winning
DTH sports staff
will commemorate fits
road to the final 4
in a special magazine
style format.
Foods £ Southern
THURSDAY, APRIL 14, 2005
MOVIE lEVIEW
"SAHARA"
irk
relationship consists of never-ending
guy-rescues-girl moments without
any eye-batting signs of love.
Like many springtime Hollywood
blockbusters, “Sahara” lacks believ
ability, cohesion and originality.
But through its occasional humor
and satisfying action, it entertains
through the disappointment.
Contact the A&E Editor
at artsdesk@unc.edu.
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APRIL
I4TH Jump, Utile Children w/ Ross Golan" (S10)
15 FR SOUTHERN CULTURE ON THE SKIDS, Jule
Brawn, Chrome Plated Apostles” (SI0)
16 SA AGNOSTIC FRONT w/Martyr AD"
17SU CARDINAL DIRECTION w/ Trip" <SB)
18 MO FUCKER (Local short films) S3; B:3opm
19 TU WARRIORS OF PRAISE feot,
PATO BANTON" (S10)
20 WE GOGOL BORDELLO w/Valient Thorr"
(SlO/Sl2)
21TH DIZZEE RASCAL w/DJ Wonder" (SIS)
22 FR EDWIN MCCAIN BAND w/ David Ryan
Harris" (Sl6)
23 SA LITTLE BROTHER w/ Away Team, L.E.G.A.C.Y.,
Yazharh, Joe Scudda, Darien Brockington
27 WE STRAYUGHT RUN, Minus The Bear, The
Honorary Title" (Si 2)
29 FR SPENCERACUFF & CHRIS STAMEYw/Pico
Vs. Island Trees
30 SA WXYCBO's dance
MAY |
ISU KENNY WAYNE SHEPHERD" (525)
2 MO MOUNTAIN GOATS w/ Shearwater"
(SlO/Sl2)
3TH THE EXPLOSION. THROW RAG" (SB/S10)
4WE URBAN SOPHISTICATES, BOXBOMB,
CODE 7" (S7/S8)
STH AVETT BROTHERS" (SB/S10)
7SA NEIL DIAMOND ALL-STARS w/Mary
Prankster" ($8)
9MO THE GOOD UFE" (S8)
11 WE BRITISH SEA POWER"
12 TH PATTY GRIFFIN" -
13 FR THE REVEREND HORTON HEAT /
SUPERSUCKERS / MURPHY'S LAW" (Sls)
MSA THE BLACK KEYS" (Sl2)
16 MO HEADPHONES" ($10)
17TU MASTODON"(SI2/Sl4)
18 WE JIMBOMATHUS
19 TH BUILT TO SPILL** (sl7)
20 FR SLIGHTLY STOOPID w/ Fishbone" (Sl4/Sl6)
21 SA THE COMAS, ROSEBUDS**
26TH MELISSA FERRICK** (Sl2/Sl4)
27 ER RAVEONETTES w/ Autolux and Peels
28 SA Kaze, Spectac, Supastition 8c more.
JUNE
2TH SPOON w/ The Clientele
4SA RILO KILEY w/ Portastatic" (Sl4)
7TU MY MORNING JACKET" (Sls)
12 SU THE GO-BETWEENS" (SI2)
18 SA ALEJANDRO ESCOVEDO" (S2O)
23 TH JAY CUFFORD From JLC" (S10)
29 WE EISLEY, Lovedrug. Pilotdrift" ($8)
local 506
04/25 Damien jurado / two gallants / sail on, sailor!
05/05 Dirt Bombs** (SB/S10)
eUncoln Theatre
05/20 ROBERT EARL KEEN” ($22)
06/02 Futureheads" (510/512)
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