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PAGE 5 W SPRING BREAK SURVIVAL TIPS FROM B-MOVIES Figure 1 / “AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON" r'* 5 or t * lose w * t * l enough bank and ambition to vacation in the United Kingdom, bring your passport, plenty of dough, an extra razor and some flea dip. A. Make sure your vaccinations are current in the off-chance that something bites you, and if your fellow travelers get attacked jSSntfffiWTk X y°u have a chance to escape, do not go back to save them. They were the weakest links, and you should be praising Darwin that they won’t be restricting your travels anymore. Ih that case, new friends will be needed. Guys, use your suave accent to pull hospital nurses. They are always fit, and sex will \ happen almost immediately. Plus, they will love you even if your teeth are shoddier than theirs. — * <s2* Confusion is bound to ensue from being in a foreign land, but don’t fret. If you happen to wake up naked in central London, r • find a kid with a handful of balloons ASAP. Then don’t be afraid to wear a woman’s coat with fur trim as an interim outfit. J Anything for coverage. 1* pS* / t . Finally, call your family to tell them how much you love them, and stay inside on full moon nights. A. • * -Edwin Amandin “THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT" ■JWjQMW " "mM** Asa Spring Break option, trips into the great outdoors are always a popular I Lil '• '*' It’s a way to participate in the time-honored college tradition of “being one with YH/W IWh ! nature" and "finding yourself" and all that stuff. v/’/Xl* I Rna, ft Vg. The key thing to remember is to watch out for organized rock piles that might or m might not have been there when setting up camp the night before. Make sure someone yju '* V has a map, because getting lost in the woods can bring about grave implications. But, above all else, just stay inside, watch TV 7 and eat Cheetos. Who really wants to go camping anyway? I ! -Jamie Williams “EVIL BONG" r? Being a college student, you know the importance of saving money and talcing advantage of a good deal. - ’ l^u However, it’s been made apparent that there is no reason to take on fiscal responsibility when browsing for and pur- ftk chasing that next piece of smoking apparatus to take you on a poor man’s "trip." I |p=-rr.r.;r:= Don’t browse the back of smoker enthusiast magazines when looking for “killer f-ing" pipes. Especially those whose . recently deceased owner was possessed. p|j Craigslist probably also would be a bad choice when shopping. ~ _ agfr ' | If you do happen to fall victim to a sinister hookah, do not let the strip club facade to which it transports you fool you. ~2. and V-j* sfc>- And do not, I repeat, do not let the dancer with latex sharks on her bra near your lap. The sharks will bite unmercifully. W’ X m Some things you don’t buy used. Underwear comes to mind. Add illegal paraphernalia to that list. OJj Figure 4 “THE TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE" f jff \Jf J§ ‘ j \ Gauntry back roads can be dangerous places, in Texas or otherwise. Bear in mind when "— 1 II embarking on a road trip that many things can go wrong. Your risk can be minimized by „ * I 1 keeping your wits about you and following these common-sense safety rules. ■ Figure 5 JwJI j! jgj t • Beware of hitchhikers. He might seem a nice enough fellow, down on his luck, but >j " V ! I he might also be an armed crazy with a homicidal family waiting for you a few miles 'SEC "** 1 | •Be ever wary of small-town characters. The cops are probably crooked, and that guy ... g J. j with the dead-people-skin mask probably isn't going to give the best directions —unless (Lg. Iglß ‘ wP ' you want to know how to get to the hilt of a meat hook. tT JA \ ■ •If the party' you sent out to search for gas doesn’t return after several hours, don’t go H* looking for them; they ain’t cornin’ back. sir x Y\/ • When all else fails, run like hell. That chain saw is heavy and certainly will slow Jf -Bryan Reed "SNAKES ON A PLANE” " A lot of focus on making the best of your Spring Break I “SPRING BREAK SHARK ATTACK" is P ,aced on y° ur de * tination - This is a mistake. Ninety In order to guarantee a safe and shark-free beach holiday, Hp , iifigM ’ percent of your fun lies in the airplane travel to and from the savvy traveler always knows to pack her beach-scale shark l , ;‘yjjSjSaiSS your inevitably disappointing vacation spot POD (protective oceanic device) and her geeky marine biologist rst remember, bomb dogs are useless when the brother. If these items are unavailable, the traveler should keep en&nty employs poisonous snakes. • Obnoxiously phony surfer accents, especially when being wd ‘ ultimately end up bloody, swollen and full of pus. used to seduce women into illicit beachfront hookups, attract The only thing worse than snakes on a plane are snakes sharks in a manner similar to a dying fish. jaMßigj on crac k trust Samuel L. Jackson on this one. • Windsurfing directly into the open mouth of a shark is a When stocking an airplane sporks are fun and excit potentially dangerous activity and often results in severe injury. unique. But be sure to include traditional metal •Cadlike behavior enhances a human's flavor to the shark pal- utensils for combat purposes, ate. Sleazy jerks are considered much more susceptible to a shark-driven feeding frenzy. Never ever talk to your private part this is a sure sign • Sharks love Jell-O. Jell-O wrestling in beachside kiddie pools broadcasts an inaudible signal to sharks and almost “ >at ~* e a^oremen ** on ed part will not make it. I always leads to an infestation and attack within 36 hours. v ldeo P mes are in fact an adequate substitute for real •If you find yourself impaled through the shoulder during a shark attack, have someone remove the impaling object flight training —and we extrapolate that this is also true your pain and bleeding should cease in about 30 seconds. ‘ or m| htary training, sports practices, medical school and • Most important, imminent shark attacks are marked by hundreds of triangular fins visible above the water’s surface. parenting^ Please be aware. Kenan Thompson loves orange soda and is, in fact, ‘All -Catherine Williams That " at hosta 8 e negotiation. t If you're the kind of person who would sacrifice a small | “LAKE PLACID" dog to save yourself, then you are likely the kind of person f **" 7 Jfm :S^'!lrd n SS™„r , *” nsuckedo " ,of in i* l ?”".'-.“I 1 W,, f " MSI m the state are hicks. This might just be a stereotype, but its best to be safe. thiTr maternal exnletivelnlane" ja 'JF'Zd But if you have to venture to croc-infested lake country during break, here are _ . , W.\ ''•e.AlSk a few things to keep in mind: - Davxd Bemgartt # "MB| • First, don’t go scuba-diving. Especially not with a crazy croc hunter who ' , JK^.. i V iffiiWH compensates for his lacking sex life by trying to hug dangerous reptiles. • Stick close to the snarky shcrifl'. He's obviously going to have an unrealistically powerful shotgun capable of blowing the head off a 2()-foot • Don’t assume any crocodile you encounter is alone. This could lead to a bad surprise when another one pops up to back up its buddv. * If you get into a tight spot with a crocodile, the best way to trap one is with a helicopter. Just find one, drop it in the water in front of the croc, and the thing will get its head stuck right in the cockpit | I _ ) = • Crocodiles like to eat cattle. This might not be very helpful, but you never know. , • "vA - Jordan Lawrence ttA ( - . online j dive.dailytarheel.com STREET DATE Check out Dive’s picks of the week's best new releases CONCERT PHOTOS Vicarious experiences of last week's shows with reviews, too. DIVEBLOG Stay tuned to the blog for super-radical updates (almost) every day. diversions dlve.dailytarheel.com movies MODERN CHARM Christina Ricci, along with a brilliant Catherine O'Hara, freshen up classic fairy-tale themes. PAGE 6 music EDGEOFTRADrTIONS Raleigh's Chatham County Line gives traditional bluegrass a sonic kick in the ass with its newest LP, IV. PAGE 7 movies SISTER, SISTER The star power Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johansson is not enough to make up for what The Other BoteynGf lacks. PAGE 7 thursday, march 6,2008 Q&A PICKIN'AII OVER Chatham County Line frontman Dave Wilson chats with Dive about his band's new record, touring and cold beer. PAGE 7
Daily Tar Heel (Chapel Hill, N.C.)
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