14 TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2008 JESSE HELMS FORMER U S. SENATOR FROM N.C. Jesse Helms attended Wingate Junior College and is not dead yet. E-MAIL: JESSE HELMSOLOLCAT2.COM Join Jesse to make an Obama nation I've often been critical of the University of North Carolina and the Chapel Hill com munity at large. Some of my statements, of course, were for rhetorical effect. Yet behind the posturing of— I'll admit both sides, a few fundamental truths remain. The University of North Carolina simply fails to represent most citizens of this fine state, the citizens who foot the bill for having their sons and daughters indoctrinated in the ways of debauchery and socialism. Sometimes I'm disappointed that my statements are the focus of so much attention at UNC, while the truths behind those words are APRIL 1 COLUMNIST North Carolina continue to fund this University. I feel it necessary to at least implore the beneficia ries of such a handout to not only become politically active but to use your education to ensure that the greatness of this state —and our nation does not wane. I must applaud the current level of political involvement in Chapel Hill. While I disagree with many of the stances of the folks demonstrating, holding signs or shouting things into a bullhorn, activity on campus these days seems more tempered than the past. With the exception of certain clowns with fear of leaving the ivory tower, it is clear to me that such radicalism is only a youth ful phase. In a few years you socialists will realize the true injustice of intrusive and coercive bureaucrats, you communists will understand the horrors of Stalin and you feminists will recognize the holocaust that is the United States abortion industry. And while in my time the leaders of these movements w ere drug addicts and social degenerates, today's anointed leader of the youth movement has an opportunity to channel youthful energy into a construc tive direction. The man to provide direc tion to another generation on the brink of becoming lost to the deep rivers of sin is Barack Obama. After visiting with Sen. Obama. I can honestly say such a refreshing young man is exactly what this nation needs. I was Obamatized. The two greatest issues fac ing our nation threats to undermine morality and foreign entanglements are certainly not addressed by the Democratic party. Yet. I am sad to say the Republican party over the past eight years has provided foreign nations with the same hand outs —and indeed dramatically increased those handouts —as the Clinton administration. Speaking of the Clinton administration, when juxtaposed against Bill and Hillary the junior senator from Illinois is simply Barack Obama-sistable. And don’t get me started on John McCain. Between the Keating five scandal and his entire campaign staff consist ing of lobbyists, that sanctimo nious hypocrite simply isn’t a Republican. McCain is a disgrace to the party. Sen. Obama's legitimacy on the international stage will allow him to not only withdraw from our current foreign escapades, but also to find solutions that do not include simply writing checks to failing foreign regimes. While Sen. Obama has admit ted to the use of narcotics, from our meeting I saw- a man who is serious about his faith and committed to an administration that will never forget we are a Christian nation. Life here at Philip Morris Nursing Home is dreary and few things bring a man of my age joy. If I have to hear Nurse Candleson yell, “No pudding unless you eat your meat,’ once more, I'll explode. Do me a favor make this an Obama-nation. —As told to Charles Dahan Editor’s Note: In honor of April Fools'Day, The Daily Tar Heel Editorial Board decided to celebrate with satire. The following editorials, columns, headlines and kvetches are based off of fake news stories and in no way represent the opinion of the Editorial Board or The Daily Tar Heel. We hope you enjoy. Mo’ money, less problems BOT wrong to consider students pocketbooks In a highly unexpected move, the Board ofThistees decided unanimously at its emergency meeting yesterday to decrease nonresident tuition for the 2008-09 school year. Once again, the board has shown itself to be highly out of touch with students and failed to act in the best interest of the University community at large. “We have finally come to our senses and realized that it’s unfair to milk out-of-state students for all they're worth," the board said in a released statement. We've always said that milk ing those arrogant out-of staters and making them pay to be here is exactly what we need to do. Unfortunately, the trust ees are putting an end to it. Franklin Street tea party SDS protests legitimacy of the Stamp Act, just in case Last night, the streets of Chapel Hill became a little bit sweeter. UNC’s Students for a Democratic Society' stormed McAlister's Deli in protest of the possibility that President Bush would have a passing thought to mention to Congress the pos sibility of pondering the resur rection of the pre-Revolutionary- War relic, the Stamp Art, in order to fund the War on Terror. The Stamp Act was passed in 1765 by British Parliament, taxing all printed material in the colonies by forcing people to buy stamps for every piece of printed paper they purchased. It's much like the extra tax lev ied on cigarettes. It's a sin tax on knowledge, something the cur rent administration feels should be available in limited quantity. We welcome this proactive action by SDS to prevent what Delicious and nutritious Lenoir should be restricted to its true supporters We all know dining hall haters here at UNC. Dragging their feet and dropping their heads, they sulk their way through Top of Lenoir as if the $9-53 they just paid for dinner was spent in vain. Egotistically, they act as if their own juvenile cooking talents could sculpture such culinary masterpieces as Bistro Baked Catfish or Grilled Philly Cheese Steak. As they scrape their meals in circles around their plates, they hurl barbed food insults at our defenseless dining institution like baseball players hurling fastballs at the blind kid in a game of gym class dodgeball. And just as mercilessly. Fortunately, to the great delight of the true dining connoisseurs of this wonder ful University, Lenoir finally Don’t go changin’ Town’s decision to “fix” Franklin Street is misguided The Chapel Hill Town Council’s recent decision to improve the downtown is absolutely awful. Never did this board think we would see the day that the coun cil would have the audacity to suggest at least minimal lighting up and down the length of both Franklin and Rosemary streets. How do they expect our town's muggers and low-level drug deal ers that is to say, our most suc cessful entrepreneurs to oper ate if all the protective shadows are removed? Moreover, if the council doesn't stop its escapades immediately, our vital reserve of empty store fronts will be utterly exhausted, filled instead with businesses. Not only will this lead to impoverishment of the rich-jerk developer community, but it cuts almost by a quarter the number of dry beds available to panhandlers that are within easy commuting distance of their workplace. Opinion We think it's a fairly estab lished fact that as tuition has increased, particularly in the past decade, class quality has increased as well. Not only have the SAT scores of incoming freshmen steadily risen, but class composition has improved as well, becom ing less diverse than ever. Skyrocketing tuition prices have finally rid us of that pesky middle class. The board fails to realize how much it improves the image of the campus when we have only the poorest and the richest of society living together in harmony. The trustees also decided to abandon its policy of pegging nonresident tuition at the 75th percentile of peer institutions. might have been the possibility of an egregious infringement on the rights of all Americans by the reign of King George. About 1 a.m. last night, the SDS revolutionaries were spot ted on the roof of McAlister’s pouring gallons of both sweet and unsweetened tea onto Franklin Street while scream ing quotes by Samuel Adams and something about “Medical Marijuana in ’08." Police said it was very remi niscent of the Boston Tea Party of 1773 that sparked the American revolution. Members of several frater nities were found at the scene upon police arrival, looking mostly dazed and confused. When questioned bv officers as to why they were at the scene, they responded that someone had mentioned Sam Adams. As properly functioning received its deserved national recognition Friday. Top O’ garnered silver med als in the “Squirrel Stew” and “Fried Mole” categories and a gold medal in the “Candy Cookie” division —and, in doing so, served up Lenoir-hat ers with a generous helping of Humble Pie. The dining hall’s only pre vious awards were attained in 2002 and 2005, when it brought home fourth place fin ishes in the “Southeast Dining Halls that Start with the Letter L" division of the Red Lobster University Cook-Off. In the wake of Lenoir’s recent triumphs, the University should actively seek to reward the faithful defenders of the dining hall and punish those who have slandered its glori ous culinary concoctions. UNC must encourage stu And, of course, the possible presence of a convenience or grocery store threatens Student Stores’ basic foodstuffs monopoly. Under the gun too are the Barons of Burritodom, those upstanding captains of industry. Suggesting that sustainable and varied businesses move into the downtown, as the council has, sends a dangerous and undercut ting message to these key compo nents of our business community. If students can’t choose between burritos that are kind of authentic, sort of authentic, vaguely authen tic, a little bit authentic, compara tively authentic, not very authentic and inauthentic, what choice will they have left? We’ve also been floored by how quickly these changes have come about The council clearly needed at least two more ad hoc commit tees, a task force, consulting work valued at not less than $25,000 and a minimum of 237 pages of reports (appendices excluded) to a flawed move indeed. After all, since our exalted peer the University of North Dakota hiked its tuition, we must too do so to avoid falling behind the curve. We don’t want UNC to stand out for being innovative or groundbreaking. We want UNC to look like every other bastion of higher education in the country- and continue to rip off its nonresident students. Plus, we’re liable to lose ground in the race to become the richest university by giving our peer institutions an opening to extend their lead even more. Trustees should ensure that it raises tuition twice as much next year to make up for this year's unconscionable blunder. members of society, we are proud to see SDS standing up for the rights of all Americans, especially in such politically divi sive times as these with the bitter primaries and the rise of Juicy Campus splitting Americans. Let this be a reminder to all students that our civil free doms are under constant threat of the government resurrection of a 243-year-old British law, and as citizens it is our duty to stand watch and prevent the Man from abusing our inalien able rights as Americans. SDS has once again shown UNC that it is ready to freely give its members’ time and energy for the betterment of others through valiant acts of poster drawing and property destruction. Here is to you, SDS. van guards of democracy. Thank you for keeping democracy safe for all Americans. dents to turn in strangers, acquaintances and even best friends who they hear criticiz ing the glory that we all know as Top of Lenoir. Then the Honor Court could strip these traitorous dogs of their remaining meals and use the resulting money to improve the facilities of Lenoir for those w'ho have remained true to its creative kitchens. Lenoir (pronounced “len- WAH," like it’s French) could use the newly acquired funds to hire unemployed Duke gradu ates as wait staff while simulta neously adding silk tablecloths and mandatory reservations to its gustatory experience. After the cowardly slander ers have faced justice, there would only be one thing left for University dining officials to undertake: Challenge the Iron Chef. properly consider this move. Clearly, we did not have an adequate chance to explain to the council why these ideas which they backed with nonsensical hubris about “common sense" and “basic constituent services" are utter folly. Still, we do see a few minor advantages emerging from these changes. The continued inclusion of a major development deal with Ram Development Cos. proposed on town property will help dissi pate some of the extra cash town taxes pull in, and should also help knock down that pesky AAA bond rating. All in all, the Chapel Hill Town Council has floated a proposal that will increase safety down town, cut the number of panhan dlers and introduce a variety of business types. It’s utterly unlike anything they’ve done in recent memory, and we wish they would stop. QUOTE OF THE DAY: ‘7 am delighted to he taking the helm of such a vital and storied institution. What's sweet tea?" SOMEONE VERY IMPORTANT, UNC'S NEW CHANCELLOR LETTERS TO THE EDITOR Feel strongly about something that has been printed? Post your own response to a letter, editorial or stmy online. VISIT www.daiiytarheel.com/feedback Today's headlines Straight from www.thesearefake sodon'tgetmad.com. South Carolina secedes from the Union again. The rest of the country lets it go on the condi tion that it can keep Charleston. New Jersey follows South Carolina's lead and also secedes. Duke is now left with only international students. Coach K found to be failed biological weapon; DNA was spliced with a weasel's. Congress taken over in non violent coup by Dustin Ingalls. Tyler Younts moves to Canada, declares himself president. Rep. Thomas Wright admits wrongdoing, returns misman aged campaign funds. N.C. House rejoices. Ralph Nader wins presidency in a landslide. Republicans and Democrats alike vote to impeach immediately. Poli sci department declares all TAs must be registered Republicans. Only recitation remaining has 1,259 students. Association of Student Governments celebrates a successful meeting. Students complain they are no longer getting their money's worth. Chapel Hill invades Carrboro and reclaims annexed land. Nothing really changes. Katrina Ryan wins Carrboro Board of Aldermen election. Common sense restored to Carrboro. i Google changes its motto from “Don’t be evil* to ’Tty really, really hard to convince people we’re not sketchy.' Edit board publidy declares that working at the DTH is like being in prison. Inevitable Rashad McCants comparisons arise. Independent engineers find structural defect in Lot S plans. Town council forced to abandon the whole shenanigan. NCAA reverses rulings on 35 controversial calls during UCLA games. Revised record is 0-38. Dead platypus found in Rams Head; thought to have eaten food. Rams Head subsequently shutdown. Chapel Hill consultant finds new parking deck hidden in the old Rathskeller. Town council rejoices, increases his pay to SIOO,OOO. Five-point diversity plan found to be based on Stalin's Five- Year Plan. Resident communists celebrate. UNC terminates all current construction contracts. Campus is quiet but construction work ers stage a walkout complete with puppets. Chapel Hill bans rushing Franklin Street. Students rush Town Hall instead. DTH edit board goes on strike. ASG breathes a huge sigh of relief. SPEAK OUT WRITING GUIDELINES; ► Please type: Handwritten letters will not be accepted. ► Sign and date: No more than two people should sign letters. ► Students: Include your year, major and phone number. ► Faculty/staff: Include your department and phone number. ► Edit: The DTH edits for space, clarity, accuracy and vulgarity. Limit letters to 2SO words. SUBMISSION: ► Drop-off: at our office at Suite 2409 in the Student Union. ► E-mail: to editdeskOunc.edu ► Send: to P.O. Box 3257, Chapel Hill, N.C., 27515. Conors NOTE; Coiumns. cartoon! and letters do not necessarily reflect the opinions of The Daily Tar Heel or its staff. Editorials are the opinions solely of The Daily Tar Heel edito rial board the board consists of nine board members, the associate opinion editor, the opinion editor and the editor. The 2007-08 editor decided not to vote on the board Uhr Daily £ar Hrrl Kvetching board kvetch: v.l (Yiddish) to complain Why does the Union let people resen/e the art gallery? It's a hallway, for crying out loud! People walk through it! People walk through it when there aren't ridiculous, morbid. Dollar Tree-generated, artisti cally bankrupt exhibitions in it I sure hope, since we're paying them $42,000 to come, that Boyz II Men play their only two songs a bunch of times. HAHAHAHAHAHA! Dook lost in the second round! Why do people always boo Quentin Thomas at our bas ketball games? Q has worked just as hard as everyone else this season, he stepped up big when we needed him, and he deserves our support. The only thing the Pit Stop is missing is sweet tea. Then we wouldn't need Alpine anymore. Their sweet tea is hit or miss anyway. Our fight song is demeaning and offensive to all out-of state students. State-specific language is discriminatory and should not be included. Bricks, that guy was a total toot. Good job tripping him. Bricks, why must you trip me? Me, the only kid so committed to cool that I was wearing my Ray Bans in spite of the rain. Kvetch is a lousy word, find something better. Andy Rooney, you are old. Old and rambling, yet you are still on *6O Minutes.* If I promise to stay off your lawn, will you promise to stay off my TV? Davidson, Kansas eliminating you was like someone shooting a rabid puppy. We're really glad we didn't have to. I'm starting a coup and we’re taking over study abroad. Rally at the FedEx building at 1700 hows Friday. Viva! Viva la Revolubon! Your pointy metal umbrella. My squishy, vulnerable, still functioning eyeball. Let's work together to keep them apart. I hate protestors, but I have no idea how to express myself. The DTH is racist. The DTH is sexist. The DTH is communist. The DTH is fascist The DTH is biased. Everyone getting ready to write an angry letter about something on this page: You are a fool. Send your one-to-two sentence entries to edit deskQunc.edu, subject line 'kvetch.'