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ESCAPING THI: SNARIlS
"Wall, good-bye, Hanner. Ypu bet
KJH Ultra
The W hiskey Was Not Spoiled.
(New Orleans Times-Democrat.)
"That reminds me of a very singular
jncident," said a New Orleans clubman,
who had listened to a story. "It illus
trates how little reliance lis to be placed
in connoisseurship in matters touching
the palate. j
"About a dozen years ago a very green
looking mountaineer f rom the Manches
ter region turned up one day in Louis
ville with a brand of whisky. The bar
rel vjas home-made, bound with hoops
evidently! hammered out in a farm forge,
and the date, '1861,' was scrawled on
the top . with a hot poker. According to
the mountaineer he had found it. under
the floor of a cabin xmce occupied by his
uncle, who was a noted moonshiner. Be
fore the chap had' been in town an hour
news of the discovery flew; around and
he was beseiged by would-be purchas
er. His apparent stumditv. the artless
fashion in which he
told his tale and
the unquestionable antiquity of the bar
rel itself all disarmed suspicion, and
here was so much eagerness to acouire
th prize that nobodjk-thought of inves-
iigpung. ine only apubt expressed was
as to- the condition of the linuor. a crood
jiu n y holding, that it must ' have 'gone
a -k' and spoiled in such a lapse of
inie.! That was settled in the store
wmj of a certain fashionable club,
vhere the bung was removed; with rev-
iiiiLj tit aiiu a ,ul i nit' j precious
uia was taken out in a siphon, it was
rqnouncea superb by all the exnerts
'cse:tit and the mountaineer was given
4(0 for the barrel. which was about
1(1 a gallon and considered! a great bar-
j"F0r a year or so thkt '61
whiskey was
a; star attraction at the club; then an t
venvions rival made a quiet investigation j
''and jineaithed a fumy story. As it.
turhecl ' out, the only thing1 ! genuine in i
thel affair was the barrel, whieh the
guileless mountaineer had really discov
ered Under a floor, in the manner he de
scribed. It was entirely empty when
found,, and be proceeded to fill it up with
some mellow four or pve yearold stuff
which he secured: in Jthe neighborhood.
The whiskey Was really good for . the
kind, "but it is amazing" that ' it could
hav5 masqueraded as; .an-1 ante-bellum
plant and fooled some of the best judges
in the country. The jdub people were
bijttcrly mortified over .the episode."
Wolce up 60,000 Soldiers.
"There never was any question as to
the Major's bravery," said the colonel at
a dinner of veterans last week, "but he
never got above the rank f major be
cause he was overzealous. Too much
zeal is quite as objectionable as too lit
tle and particularly in a volunteer regi
iient such as ours was.- The major had
jeen advanced to his' -major's ..cpmmis
ion from the ranks with speed, arid he
really felt that he coitldy give Gvant
jood advice on how the campaign should
De directed. -lie was a military enthusi
ast and nb. detail was too small for his
attention.' He stayed awake nights to
plan campaigns. During the fall of 'G3
pur regiment was brigaded with the reg
ulars and our armv lines extended some
four mile's. - "We'tiad been pushing for
ward and it was known" that the Con-
ft CHANGE
f ir.rth
"S
fSOnny XXOW mum IS ual naiuil a iwuuu, uiiaici .
Mister "Forty cents." .
Bonny "Good: heavens I Give us a cent's worth of peanuts
the city folks won't play any gum games'
V '
federates were in force before us and
that a big engagement .was near.. The
troops had. been hard pressed and on the
night when the major distinguished him
self the army, execept the pickets, was
sleeping the sleep of the tired.
"Our pickets had been re-enforced- and
thrown far out in front to avoid a sur
prise. Our regiment was on 'the ad
vanced line. The; major hail jxrst receiv
ed his commission, and as -he awoke
about 1 o'clock in the morning to think
: ' "'
OI
"Fur the land's sake, Hiram! But '.what's happened? Did you git gum
gamed down that?" ' "
'Nope; of course not. I jest changed a hundred dollar bill fur a feller
and had to walk hum."
DEPARTED WINTER L EAVES ITS SOUVENIRS.
about it he wondered how he might
show that he was worthy of his trust.
Why not test his. regiment by -a false
alarm? The more the major thxmght of
this the better it appeared ; and j at 2
o'clock in the morning he trieilit." He
fired several shots, from i . his' revolver,
started a cry to arms, and 1 then.' with
his watch in his hand" timed, the sleepy
men as they turned out, Half jdressed,
and fell in by companies. Th uproar
was great and it became greater. Drums
rattled, on either side of our regiment
and far away in the distance. Regiment
after regiment was formed and orderlies
began , to dash up and down the lines
looking for information for headquar
ters. The major nau not noticed tne tu
mult around him. He was too busy
timing his regiment and complimenting
the companies which turned" out prompt
l.v
T had been aroused from a sound
sleep when an orderly came to my tent
for information. . .
" 'This looks like an attack in force,
GoMonel,' he said.
"I rushed out to find half of the regi
ment formed and the major in full uni
form beaming on the men.
" 'What is the alarm, Major?" I asked.
"" ' I was just testing the men, Colo
nel.' " 'Is there no attack?'.
" 'No, just a false alarm which I got
tip for practice,' said the Major. '
"The Ma6r swore, that he would pre
fer charges against me for the language
which I used, but he never did. Mes
sage after message came to me from
headquarters three miles away asking
where the enemy was attacking and in
what form. I got tired explaining that
my major had been merely testing my
men with. a false alarm. From head
quarters down to the smallest drum-;
mer every man m that army cursed' the
Major. -Nearly 00,000 tired men had
been awakened jn the middle of the
night by , his alarm. His name became
known all oyer the lines the next day.
The Major made no charge against me
and fortunately for him he got oft with
a severe calling down from headquar
ters. He fought bravely to the end of
the war, but his chance for promotion
had been lost by his zeal, which w;v
great. 1
"Mamma sent me to get to hairbrush."
"Yi'Vio rvrt of a hairbrush do vou I
V f lUlb ' V - -
want?" .
"I want one with a soft back."
Not to Be Outdone
(Glasgow Evening Times.)
Tames Russell Lowell was a great stu
dent of dialect. One day while in Eng
land he entered a South Shields restau
rant, and sat down opposite a baie footed
Shields yokel, who had been: walkin,
and whose feet were tired.
"Waiter," he" said, "bring me a steak
and fried potatoes."
The vokel leaned his elbows upon the
table. "Bring me yan, tee," he said.
"Bring me a cup of coffee and rolss,
continued Lowell.
"Bring me -yan, .tee," said the yokel.
"And, John,, you may bring me a boot
jack." .
"Bring me . a cup of coffee and rolls,"
"Why, what on earth can 'you want
with a bootjack?" asked Lowell, sur-
prised into asking, the question. The re-
tort nearly took away his breath. "Gan
Liway, ye fule," said the; yokel; "d'ye
thijik.I canna eat a bootjacK as well as
Jim-Jaiis "Oh. dear! Wrhy didn't
remembes where I lived before I got this
skate!"
ye?" ' ::., . --
.... - - - -
mm A
'& F.
ill .': r. ,'! . -v 2.
: . . : :
. JBrare Plsht of Sick Soldier
Edward F. Sexton, a member of the
Hospital Corps v attached to General
Schwan's brigade in Luzon, sends the
folowing account of an attack made
by Filipino insurgents" on an ambulance
train and Qf trjn reception they
got. The ietterts-Tated Santa Cruz,
Laguna Provincer Luzon, February 1. It
says: . , ."'.;; .;,
"Two ambulances, traveling on the .mil
itary road from Majaijai to this place
with twenty-one sick and a few wound
ed suddenly ran into an ambush about
two miles out of the above town and
four miles from Santa Cruz. Wrthout
any warning from "both sides of the
road there issued. the cracking roar of
a Mauser volley and the shouts and yells
of the wretches who make war on the
sick and wounded and who. hoped" by 'at
tacking ambulance trains" to have an
easy victoiy. But on this occasion they
were sadly mistaken, for the ?iek and
wounded angered into momentary for
getfulness of their condition, tumbled
headlong out of the wagons and ram
ming the chambers and magazines of
their rifles", full of cartridges proceeded
to punish the insurrectos with such a
will and vim that the rebels, retreating
before the fierce fire of the twenty-one
wounded, the two Hospital Corps men
and the two drivers of he ambulances,
left ten dead and wounded on the field.
Our casualties were two wounded, one
of them in the left hand, the other- in
the left shoulder.
"A pathetic incident of the fight was
the death of one of the ambulance mules,
a pet Of all the drivers, and a handsome
animal. He was shot squarely in the
breast by a sharpshooter in a tree, who
aimed for the driver but aimed too low
and hit the mule; The bullet made a
clean round hole in the animal's breast.
On being hit the poor beast turned his
head and looked at the driver in a most
pitiful manner, as it asking, 'Why is
this?' In a few minutes he fell down on
his knefw in a pool of his own blood,
and nibbling at a tuft of grass gave a
sort of low moan and with a last, puz
zled glanceat""hismasterexpired.
"Having substituted a cavalry horse
for the fallen animal ; the ambulances
made the best of their way into Santa
Cruz, where the sick and .wounded were
cared for at the field hospital of
Schwan's brigade. This incident empha
sizes the fact that these robber bands
do not respect the Bed Cross nor the
hnen-of-the-HosDital Corps who, in addi
tion to their ouchesrirtiPrs7tcr--e
compelled ' to carry carbines "or pistols
of large caliber as well as ammunition,
thus adding to the already multifarious
duties of this hard-worked and little
known branch of the service." u
I1YMN TO THE SEASONS
When Spring unlocks the flowers to
paint the laughing soil; j
When Summer's balmy showers refresh
the mower's toil;
When Winter binds in frosty chains
the fallow and, the flood; !
In God the earth' ; rcjoiccth still, and
owns his maker god.
The birds that wake the morning, and
those that love the shade;
The winds that sweep the mountain, or
lull the drowsy glade; ;
The sun that 'from his amber bower re-
joiceth on his way, I j
The moon and stars, their master s
.name in silent pomp display.
Shall man, the lord of Nature, expect-
J ant of the sky, .
Shall 'man,' alone unthankful, his little
praise deny?
No; let the year forsake his course, the
seasons cease to be,
Thee, master, must we always lote, and,'
Savior, honor thee. ?
The flowers of Spring may witherthe
hope of Summer fade,
And Autumn droop lu Winter, the birds
forsake the shade; .
The winds be lulled, the sun and moon
forget their old decree,
But we, in Nature's latest hour, O Lord!
will clings to thee.
Bishop Heber.
Husband Should JMake the Fires
(St. Louis Republic.)
William Douglass, who lives with his
wife 'at. 1.303 Pine street, hasqueer ideas
of matrimonial obligations whicli caused-
himto appear in the role of tlef end
ant in the First district police court
yesterday morning. :v
Mrs. Douglass said she awakened her
husband about '6 o'clock yesterday morn
ing and told him to get up to kindle a
re in the kitchen, ; so that she could
prepare breakfast. v Instead, 'she said
he told her to make the fire for her
self, and that was what he had married
her for. According to her story she got
up and made the tire while he slept.
When she saw that he was, sleeping,
she went to the bed and pulled all the
bedclothes off so that he was obliged
to arise. At that, she said, he slapped
her in the face, and held his hand over
her mouth to prevent her from crying
out. She managed to escape from him
and notified Poliemen Ryan and
O'lveefe, who placed .both under arrest,
on cross charges of disturbing-the peaceV
Douglass declared he did not strike
his wife hard enough to injure her, and
gave as an excuse that she had annoy
ed him. Judge Sidener. explained " to
him that it was the husband's duty to
make the fire, and imposed a fine of $10
on Douglass, discharging his wife.
Kentucky'! Strong B ack 71 aa
John Henry, a big 'black negio," who
lives at Tallega, Lee county, is the Go
liath of this section of the State, r
As an occupation he follows loading
railroad ties at different stations along
the line of the Lexington and Eastern
Railroad, often loading as many as 400
in a day. He carries the ties on his
shoulder, arid frequently as many as
three at a time. It seems to be no trou
ble for him to sing and dance, "cut the
double shuffle," as he calls it, with a
load on his back which would crush an
ordinary man to tne earth, it is no
uncommon thing for him to shoulder
such articles as barrels of coal oil and
boxes of meat at railroad stations and
carry them to the stores nearby. Henry
says he believes be can shoulder 1,000
pounds, although he has never ' tried
more than 800. The dusky giant is 3G
years old, and. weighs something over
200 pounds. He is jolly in disposition,
ami has the vsspect of the better class
I of people.
NEWS PROM
TERRA
Ballonist "Well, this is what, you can
call solitude. I've seen nothing but clouds
for two hours;"
'But methinks I seq
someone pssn3.',
"And metliinks he has turned and isf
headed in this direction. He starts -hg ,
moves
"He. lands!"
Balloonist "I declare, my friend,' this
is a pleasant surprise. What's the new
down your. way?"
Stranger "Well, there was a dyna-
mite explosion just lefore I came away,
but I didn't stop to learn all the particai
lars." ...
FIRM A
1 "X.
K- i -. ! -';
'A ' :, ' ::'' '. ' )' " , ' .. '' .;'
-,.