The Rasp. (Raleigh, N.C.) /
April 16, 1842, edition 1 /
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-W. & J. B. WHITAKER,
EDITORS AND PROPRIETORS.
VOLUME II. NUMBER 12. ,
RALEIGH, APRIL 16, .1342.
IVE COME, THE HERALD OF A JVOISY WORLD
The Rasp is published every Saturday morn
ing, at One Dollar and Fifty Cents per annum
payable in advance.
Any person sending us sixnew subscri
bers, and the subscription money for one year
shall receive the seventh number free ot charge
for the same length ot time.
Advertisements conspicuously inserted, at
the very reduced price of Fifty Cents per square
for the first insertion, and Twenty-five Cents
for each continuance.
TO "CAPT. RICE'S TREAT."
Some few years since, a gentleman residing
not a hundred miles from this, travelling in
the neighboring State of Arkansas, on a col
lecting expedition, had occasion to call upon a
customer, whom we shall call John Smith
not the immortal John Smith, Jr., who writes
for the newspapers, but, in all probability, a
relation ot the 'great original, whose portraits
hangs upon a peg against the cabin wall.' Be
ing, as be thought, in the neighborhood,, not
knowing precisely the whereabout of the a
foresaid John Smith, he accosted a copperas
striped specimen of the old North Carolina
8tate, who was rather listlessly at work, in
front of a cabin, hewing out an axletree, lor
an ox cart, from a pine sapling.
Traveller Good morning sir ; will you
have the goodness to direct me to John Smith's?
2V. C. Certainly, sir; if there is anything in
this world I do know, it is the way to John
Smith's. Why, John Smith and me came out
together from North Carolina. We cut oul
that new road leading across that branch, and
over that hill, there. We .
Traveller But, sir, will you have the good
ness to tell where he lives?
N. C. To be sure I will. As I was saying,
it there is anything in this world I do know,it
is the road to John Smith's. Why, sir, John
Smith and me married sisters; and he has got
the smartest wife in all these parts. She .
Traveller. No doubt oi it, sir; but I want to
see him, and have nothing to do with the good
qualities of his wife. Will you direct me?
N. C. Of coarse I will, as I said before ; if
there is anything in the world I do know, it is
the way to John Smith's. But, as I was ob
serving, his wife can spin her six cuts a day,
besides attending to family fixings?.
Traveller. She may spin sixty fur all I kaow
or care; but that has nothing to do with my
question. I wish to find her husband will
you tell me where he lives ?
N. C. Will I tell you where John Smith
lives? Well, that's a good one. I tell you a
gain, that if there is anything in this world I
do know, it is where John Smith lives. Why,
sir, as I said before, we came from North Car
olina together. And he has a yoke of the tru
est pulling oxen in all these paits. His nig
gar, named Jim, is the smartest .
Traveller. My dear sir, it is growmg late,
and I wish to get on. If you can direct me,
why don't you do it? I ask you again, if you
will tell me the way to John Smith's?
N. C. Haven't I told you a dozen times, if
there is anything in this world I do know, it is
where John Smith lives ? Haven't I told you
that we came Irom North Carolina together?
But speaking of his boy Jim he can pick out
his hundred weight of cotton in a day, and
shell out 'a turn ol corn for mill' at night, and
no mistake. Besides, sir
Traveller. Zoqnds ! man, what have I to do
with him or his cottonor his corn 7 I will
ask you a plain question, which I will notask
again. Is there, or is there not, such a man
as John Smith living in this 'section,' and if
you know the way to his house, will you point
it out to me ? - -
N. C. And zounds! man, haren't I been tell-.
ing you all the time, that there is such a man
as John Smith living in these diggins and if
there is anything in the world I do know, it is
the way to his house ? I tell you again,! we
not only came from North Carolina together,
but cut out that new road leading across that
branch, and over that hill. Why, sir, John
Smith has the smaitest little daughter you
ever saw. She has only been to school two
years, and has got as far as "amplification."
Traveller. Confound his daughter, and her
amplification too ! I think you have got that
for yourself. For when I ask you a plain ques
tion, which you might answer in half a dozen
words, you spin me a long yarn about roads,
wives, negroes, oxen, and little girls. Now
do, that's a good fellow, just talk a little more
like a man of this world, and show me the
road to John Smith's.
N. C. Don't you confound John's darter,
mister: she's my niece, and a smart onfrshe is,
tbo. Why you are as tetchous as a skinned
ell ; and won't let a body direct you when they
are trying to do it with all their might. To be
short with you,- as you seem to wish it I tell
you again, that Jf there is any thing in this
world I do know, it is the way to John Smith's,
I tell you again we came from North Carolina
together we bought land together, at a dollar
and a half an acre we bought 300 acres apiece
we cut out that new road leading across that
swamp, but he don't live there now. You see
this land here, sir? it is just about the finest
tract you ever saw in your born days. Jist
look at them tall sweet gums down by the
pond twig that 'cimmon aint he a whapper ?
at least three feet across the stump. You
Traveller. I see I am not likely to get an
answer out of you to-day ; so I might as well
keep on. I ask you now, and for the last time'
will you, or will you not, direct me the way
to John Smith's?
N. C. And I Jell you now, and for the twen
tieth time, if there Is any thing in this world I
do know, it is the way to John Smith's. But
I must tell you about his fine blooded ,mare and
Timoleon filly. She took the puss Saturday
was a fortnight, at the Big Deer Lick Course,
like falling cflf a log. She's a heely crittei, I
tell you and throws it down a little thicker on
the grit-r-and shoots ahead a leetle faster than
the fastest kind of lightning.
Traveller. Good dav, sir. And may old
Nick take John Smith, his wife, daughters, ne
groes, and sundties in general; and you and
your 'amplification' in particular, puts spurs
to his horse in a fit of absolute despair of ob
taining a. direct answer to a simple question.
N. C. The same to you, sir. And may Old
Nick take you and your hosstoo. Why I never
seed such a man. He keptasking and asking;
and I kept telling and telling and he would'
nt listen a single bit. Why, he would'nteven
wait lill I told him what John give for his mare,
besides a hundred other little things that would
have teen news to him, and made the time
pass off agreeably. Woll, let him go ahead.
But if he goes the load he's started on in such
a hurry, he won't get to John Smith's, and
that's some comfort, anv way. Resumes the
hewing of the axietree.
Good. The Albany Microscope says,if you
have a wound, pain or disease of any kind in
or about your mortal frame, just wrap the ad
vertising part of a newspaper about you, and
you may safely consider yourself cured.
Some men advertise for custom, others wait
for custom before they will advertise. WJiich
are the most sensible? Those who take time
by the forelock.
The editor of one our exchange papers says
he knows 'an old deacon who won't read the
account of the fight between Goliah and Da
vid, because it contains an allusion to sling.
The same editor says, he has heard of an
ultra-temperance man who would'nt allow his
wife to have corned meat in the house.' Won
der what such a man would do with corned
toes? Would he cut them off. think?
A young man stepped into a bookstore, and
said he wanted a 'Young Man's Companion!'
'Well, sir,' .said the bookseller, :here's mv
We were told yesterday of a piece of the
coolest and most audacious nonsense that ever
was played off since the days when TomKing
worried poor Monsieur Tonson. A chap sad
ly in want of amusement, as he strolled out of
the St. Charles bar room at midnight, during
last week, was suddenly moved by a brilliant
conception. He walked up to the first door he
came across, and, taking hold of the knocker,
pounded away with a vigor and fury that a
larmed the whole neighborhood. Up went a
second story window a head was popped out
and in again and down instantly to theoor
came a man in his night-gear, shivering oe
tween fright and the chill of the evening. The
man was speechless when he opened the door
to so alarming a summons, and stared in mute
inquiry upon our hero. There they stood for
some seconds, when the audacious disturber of
the night cooly inquired of the man inthe night
"Well now. my friend, what the d 1 do
Any body about there at that time may have
heard a street door slam to, and have seen a
chap walk off, whistling
'Oft in the stilly night!' Pic.
'Pa, I want a new hat no, not a hat, but a
kY"ou can't have any now; the times are too
'But aint them good times come yet, you
told about, when you cut logs for the cabin on
'Go to bed, you rascal! What do you know
THE WHEN THE WHY THE WHERE THE WHAT.
Ail Epitaph on a Hermit.
For years, upon a mountain's brow,
A hermit liv'd, the Lord knows how;
A rope and sackcloth did he wear;
He got his food the Lord knows where;
Hardships and penance were his lot;
He often pray'd, the Lord knows what,
At length this holy man did die
He left the world, the Lord knows why;
He's buried m his gloomy den,
And he shall rise, the Lord knows when.
A GOOD STORY.
The following excellent story is told of Mr.
Sheafe, a grocer in Portsmouth, N. H.:
It appears that a man had purchased a quan
tity of wool from him, whichjhad been weigh
ed and paid for, aud Mr. S. had gone to the
desk to get charge for a note. Happeniog to
turn hts head while there, he saw in a glass
that hung so as to protect the shop, a stout arm
reach up and take from the shelf a white oak
cheese. Instead of appearing suddenly and
rfebuking the man for this theft, as .another
would, thereby losing his custom forever, the
crafty old gentleman gave the thief his change
as if nothing had happened, and then, under
pretence of lifting the bag to lay it on a horse
for him, took hold of it; on doing so, it appear
ed heavier than he appeared to expect, upon
which he exclaimed, .'.Why bless me, I must
have reckoned the weight wrong.' 'Oh, no,'
said the other, 'you may be sureo' that, for I
counted them with you.' 'Well, well; we wont
dispute about the matter its easily tried ! re
plied Mr. S., putting the bag into the scale a
gain. 'There!' said he, 'I told you soknew
I was right made a mistake of nearly twenty
pounds; h&wever,if you don't want the whole
you needn't have it I'll take part of it out P'
'No, no,' said the other, staying the hands of
Mr. S. on his way to the strings of the bag, I,
rather guess I'll take the whole" And this he
did, paying foi his rascality by receiving skim
milk cheese, or tap rock, at the price of wool !
'There was a piper had a cow,
Hi had no hay to give herj - .
He took his pipe, began to play,
Consider, cow, consider.'
The lads- I wonder how they guess itj
I'm sure I'll never tell, f
And tyilove I ne'er confess it
How can they guess so well?
I'm sure 'twas no I told my laddie
I would not love not I;
He says 'twas yes, the saucy laddie!
He saw yes in my eye.
For mother says tis naughty very!
For I am scarce fifteen;
I vowed, to please the dame so chary,
My love should ne'er be seen,
And still twas no I told my laddie,
And still I woader why?
He kissed me ah, the saucy laddie!
He saw love in my eye.
The little love I bade him tarry,
Asleep within my breast,
But when he heard my gentle Harry,"
The rebel could not rest.
And while I thought the boy was sleeping
Alack, he is so sly!
I found the rogue at Harry peeping,
Aye, peeping through my eye.
A hatter says, over head and ears in
debt means, a man that "hadn't paid for his
hat." Half right.
'Hollo, Bill,' said the celebrated Tom Mar-,
shall, of Kentucky, to an old crony, "what
have you been drinking ?'
The individual addressed, replied that he-,
had taken a gin cocktail, a brandy punch, z
whiskey toddy, an apple toddy, two glasses of
champagne, and in fact enumerated the name
of every drink in the barkeeper's vocabulary.
'Sir,' said Tom, in most mysterious man
ner, 'do you believe in the transmigration of
Bill replied 'that he did in a measure.'
'Then,' rejoined Tom, with prophetic fury
'darned if I should be surprised if you should
wake up one of these days and find yourself a
grocery store ' K , ,
A Yankee in Texas has invented a new-
kind of brickbat, which he has christened sThe
Texan Mosquito Exterminator;' they are laid
where these little nuisances frequent, and t&e
mosquitoes sharpen their bills on them; the
bricks are so rough that a couple ot whettings
settles them or at least their bills. He don't
warrant them to affect galiinippers, as each of
the latter carries abowiekmfe under one wing,
to whittle his bill to a point.
'Don't strike ! Do be a clever man once
said a little ragged urchin, who was. detected
by a farmer stealing apples. 'Do be a clever
man" once; for you know ycu never was!1
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