DEACON SNOWBALL'S SERMON.
Belubbed Bruddren:'D day ob our Lord, J
or redder, dis ebening of out Lord, I 'scend de
pulpit wid grateand lively 'motions ob grati
tude, becase Ibab received a pail ob pantaloon
and boot from SamJonsin's aunt,widde 'specks
ob de giver. Accordingly we lake de text from
de follerin' language ob de poet:
''Dingdong bell, the cat's in the well.
Who put her in ? Little Johnny Green.
Who pull'd her out ? Great big John Snout"
Dis eloquent language is?suppose to be writ
'zactly one thousand year arter de birth of
Caesar, and 'lude to de practiss cb tollin' de
bell at funeral possession's. I 'spose you know
when de fust bell was tolled- It was at the
death of Abel. His brudder kill him vvid a
big slick, and ebber arterward he was called
a cain. Den de curfew bell was tolled by
Adam's servant, and all de people come to de
funeral. On dis 'poVtant 'casion when de cat
get in de well, I 'spose de bell was tolled by
de town crier, and he offer a reward of five
dollar and give 'scription ob de cat to de find
er. In dis piece de poet does'nt say who
'scover de cat and get de reward. 'Praps it
was King Solomon as he was de wisest man
in do world, and know what came ob de cat
berry well. s .
Dis is fust part ob de subjeck, and den we
come to de 'portant 'quiry ob 'who put her in?'
Dar is de pint, becase if dey cotch de feller dey
make him pay for it. So it turned out to be
little Johnny Green, and he too little to punish
fordoin dis ting; bekase why? he don't know,
no better dan fcr do 'em. De next 5quiry is as
Jportant as de todder. Who pull her out? I
5spoe de man dat pull out de cat hab dis re
ward for his doins', and de tanks ob de ownei.
It proved to be massa Snout; and dis massa
Snout is a big feller too. Dis ack of generous
aess in massa Snout who risk his own life to
save a feller crelur wordy ob all praise, and
it prove dat he is a fine feller. I jueps he be
long i t temperance siety and went to de we)!
to g-et drink ob cold water, and when he get
dar, he see de cat in dar. 'Praps ht link dat
she went dar to get a cold baf on de Graham
system; but he soon perceive dat she is tryin'
lo get out. Den he lower down de bucket and
be pull up de caU She shake her skin and de
water fly off. Den she run rite off, and her
missus hab great time ob rejoicing. Dis is de
twelf division ob our subjeck, and den comes
de zamination cb de cat specie.
De cat specie is diwided into two parts, de
Tom cat and de she cat. Dey were preserved
by Noah in de ark, arter de flood, when de ark
rested on de back of Mount A-rat. Dc Tom
cat ketches rats,and de she cat ketches mouses.
Kittens driDk milk, and lick up grease when
de wimmin spills it on de floor. When Noah
hab cats in de ark, he hab to put 'em in a cage
to keep 'em from ketching de rats and mice
and de little birds. De dogs was tied up to
keep 'em from killin sheep and worrying de
cats. De bears and lions and tigers was put
in,pehs to keep 'em from devourin' de live an
jrrials, and Noah lay in a plenty ob fresh meat
for; 'em to eat. ,De fresh meat kepp good, I
spbse, for de five or six months dat dey stay in
de ark, bekase if it had'nt dar would hab been
a 'trong smell. U 'epose dese animals hab to be
all kepp separate 'less dey kill each odder and
fight like, dedebbil. Any ratede arkmushab
been bigger dan de steamships to hold 'em all,
wid provision to lass five or six months. Den
dey make sich a noise de lions roariti,' de
tears growlin, de oxes and cows and bulls
fcellowin de do?s barkin5, de parrots lalkm',
de cats squawlin', de pigs grunting, and de
hoss neying, de shake Bissin', and de wolves
and painters and crackidiles, and all de rest,
dey-make so much noise dat I guess massa
Noah must be wide awake feller if he could
sleep o' nights.
On dis 'portant 'casion decat was preserTed
in de ark. I spo3e Noah milk a cow to feed
her ebery day, when he feed de rest ob de cat
tle, and snakes, and birds, and wild beastesses.
Guess he get bery little time to feed heseff. I
spose when he come outobde ark, be hab a
plenty ob manure to put on de ground to make
de grass grow agin.
But arter all dis trubble dat poor Massa
Noah take so preserve de cat, she fall in de
well and like to get drownded. I guess she
wish she was in Noah's ark when she find her
sefl in de water.
So dis brings us to de sixty-fuss diwision ob
our subjeck, and I'm gwoine to prove upon de
hole. In de fuss place, my belubbed breddren
I hab to put you in mind dat Sam Johnson hab
raised de price ob fried eel. He "will receive
company ebbery day and ebening at all hours.
De report dat Sambo Wing hab eloped wid
Phillis Wheatley is false. De warioos city
papers will oblige de parties werry much to
make dis statement, as deir crackters hab suf
fered in de public estimation. De grate poet
Lord Byron says 'He dat 'teal my crackter
teal trash, but he dat teal my puss takes away
de bread ob my mouf.' Dis is werry true, and
I hope you nebber teal nossin ob de kind. I've
ben formed dat Shakspeaie speak agin stealin
If I find de place, I will get it put into print
and stuck up m de treet, and dat will perwent
anybody from tealiog.
Dar was a werry sad accident happen down
our way yestarday, dat show de brevity ob hu
man life. A fine boss owned by a gemman
named Peters, fell down in de treet and die
dat should make consider you latter end, for
jt would be berry unconfortable to die as sud
deuly as dat poor hoss did. Uncle Sim.
We are gifted with passions for the purpos e
of commanding them. We are placed amid
temptations, in order that we may resist them.
The most sublime sight in the universe, is a
man tempted by the allurements of earth, the
moral pa i t within him urging him toyield,and
with opportunity to grasp that which he desi
ers; yet, by the exercise of a self-controlling
sense of right, passing by the thing he yearns
tor, living without, and turning his back upon
it for ever.
Degeneracy of the Pres.?. The Albany
Microscope, speaking of the degeneracy of the
press, says: "Ghost of Franklin, hold thy
breath! Last Saturday we saw an old revolu
lionaryRamage press sell under the hammer
for $5 50 ! And to what use is it to-be put,
think you reader? To squeeze cheese!!
Equivocal. cBoy, who do you belong to ?'
asked a gentleman the other day as he stepped
on board of a steamboat and saw a 'darky' list
lessly leaning on the guards.
'J did belong to Massa Williams, sir, when
I come aboard; but he's been in de cabin play
ing poker wid de captain 'bove a hour; I don't
know who I b'long to now!' (Pic. ,
, 'Where does the fire go to, Paddy, when it
goes out?' 'Faith, an' its aisy to be tellin'you
the like o' that. Where should the fire go to,
at all. at all, but;to where you always find it
again?' 'And where is that, Paddy?' 'Why,
at the end of the lucifers, to be sure.'
A singular coincidence in the death of the
great and good Washington, is, that he died
in the last hour, in the last day of the week,in
the last month in the year, and in the lastyear
of the century, viz: Saturday night, 12 o'clock,
December, 1799.
John Smith has been elected President of a
temperance society in Philadelphia. The Rich
mond Star says il John goes in for cold wate
the question is settled.
They have a hen down in Ipswich, Mass.,
which last Sunday, laid an egg, on the shell of
which was etched 'just as it was laid,' the in
scription, 'Beware of False Teachers.' The
prophet pullet which produced this wonderful
egg, has given to the world several others con
taining inscriptions, quite as remarkable.
Greenlanders suppose that thunder is caused
by two old women flapping seal skins in the
moon; and the Aurora Borealis owing to the
spirits of their fathers frisking at foot ball.
j A SPRINKLED DISH.
In upper part of the city is the following
curious sign: 'Washing, Ironing and going
out to day's work done in the backroom?
Balwer says 'There are few people more
to be pitied than vromen who have lost the pow
er oi blushing. With them the bloom has gone
off the fruit, indeed.'
'I say, Pat,' saia a Yankee to an Irishman,
who was digging in his garden, 'are you dig
ging out a hole in that onion bed ?' 'No,' says
Pat, 'I am digging out the earth and leaving
the hole.
'I am a going to soger now,' as the lazy ap
prentice said when he received a subpoena to
do militia duty.
Dutch says that a blind man is always in a
state of ex-sight-ment.
It is a great misfortune not to have mind e
nough to speak well, nor judgment enough to
keep silent. Hence the origin of every imper-
tinence.
j Why is a north wind like a soldier ? It goes
wheie it listeth.
'Thou thou rain'st in this bosom,' as the
loafer remarked to the thunder cloud.
What looks worse than to see an old tooth
less widotv, trying to vin the affections of a
gay, handsome fool 1
The New Orleans Crescent City says that
the first cases of yellow fever there always
breaks out in northern newspapers.
All clever fellows are named Tom. You
never knew a Tom who was not a clerer.fcl
low, unless it was a Tom cat. Persons' by the
name ot Jake are easily appeased.
'Vich is the lion and vich is the dog, Mr.
Showman ?' 'Vichsomdever you pleases, my
little dears the like vas never seen.'
'It's pretty, but not pleasant,' as the monkey
said when they painted his tail blue.
A great man is one who can make his chil
dren obey him when they are out of sight.
Meddle not with the affairs of others, but at
tend diligently to your own.
Teach not others, until you have learned
well yourselves.
Take care of your body, but not as if were
your soul.
fT All clever fellows are named Tom.
You never knew a Torn who was not a clever
fellow, unless it was a Tom cat. Persons by
the name of Jake are easily appeased. (Atlas.
fid3 At a ladies' temperance meeting in
Newburyport, one of the members remarked,
the temperance ceuse had been a great bless
ing her, 'for,' added she, 'I slept with a barrel
of turn for nine years but now,' she continued
her eyes brightening, 'since my husband has
signed the pledge, I have a man to sleep with
thank God.' Then all the spinsters laid their
hands upon their hearts, and said Amen.
his
Attest, SYX PHAX.
mark.
H3f 'Daddy, is you got much bank stock?'
'No, Tom, not a bit,'
'Well then, is bank stock got any father?'
'Fudge! boy, what nonsense.'
'Non sense! you be darn'd arn't this paper
got som'thn, as says the Virginia Bank stock
wont go for par, no how you can fix it? Fury
and scissors! dontl know what par is!" s
ICf2 The fair daughters of Columbia -may
they add virtue to beauty subtract envy from
friendship multiply amiable accomplishments
by sweetness of temper divide time by socia
bility and economy and reduce scandal to its
lowest denomination.
tlT Jabe3 what are you doing there on the
floor?'
'Why, sir, I have had a shock.'
'A shock?'
Yes sir.'
'What kind of a shock?'
'Why, sir, one of your subscribers came in
during your 5osence,and offered to pay a year's
subscription; which produced such an effect
upon me that I have been perfectly helpless
ever since.'
'No wonder, Jabe; but eheer up; if your sur
vive this you are safe as there, is little pros
pect of such another catastrophe in this office.'
'Drop a lineU-you want to see oe,' as the
fish said to the angler. :& fi
There was much sound truth in the speech
of a'couotry lad to an idler, who boasted his
descent from an ancient family. 'So much
the worse for youj'-said the peasant, "as we
ploughmen say, the older the seed the worse
the crop.' . , y - ,ry
'Be-ware,' as the potter said to the lamp, of
clay.
'I will be burnt first,' saucily responded. the
mud.
'This i a leading article,' as the editor said
to his little responsibility. - s -
"
'You're doing a.mashing business,' as the
gardener said to the hail stones.
Let those who would aflect singularity with
success, first determine to be very virtuous,and
they will be very singular. .
A recent philosopher discloses a method to
avoid being dunned! 'How? how? how V
we hear evry body asking. Never run in debt,
'Walk up, ladies and gentlemen,' as the over
seer of the treadmill observed to his company.
'You're beneath my notice,' as the elephant
said to the ant.
'I'm not accounf-able,' as the clerk observed
when his master found the cash short. 'J'
'In-tea-resting,1 as the fellow said when he.
discovered a dead rat in a box of lea.
A mixture of ground glass and the juice of
pebble stones is a cure for the blue devils ; and
no man is ever visited with the nightJ raare,
who sleeps with the great toe of his right foot
in his left ear.
Artaxerxes Memonn, king of Persia, being
upon an extraordinary occasion reduced to eat
barley bread and dried figs, and to drink wa
ter, said What pleasure have I lost till now
by my delicacies and excess.
A general council of the Cherokees have
passed a law, that all spirituous liquots found
at any time in their nation, shall be poured out
on the ground.
There is said to be a woman in Worcester
so large and who sleeps in a room so small,
that she is obliged to go into another room to
torn over. There is also a family in that town
so large, that they could not all have the mea
sles at once; there was'nt enough to go round
The following important information was?
communicated by an ingenious gentleman to
an Encyclopediea, published in London that
ninety millions of mites' eggs amount exactly
to the size of one pigeons' egg.
' Now, as you are on ray side, I hope youH
stick to me,' as the patient said to the streng
thening plaster.
' I'll take your part,' as the deg said when
he robbed the cat of her portion of the dinner.
'I'll help you out of this,' as the powder said
to the bullet.
' Lead on, kind friend!' as the drunkard said
to the blind man.
The ice house of Francis Tuttle, in Acton,
! was partially consumed by fire. Whether the
fire was the work of an incendiary or was caus
ed by spontaneous combustion e do not know.
The, times are so hard that the boys can't
fly theirkites not being able to "raise the
wind."
A man in" Dublin having been lately told
that the price of bread had been lowered, said
it was the first tims he ever rejoiced at the fall
of his best friend.
The editor of the Philadelphia Ledger say
he has h?ard a Dutch parson commence his
sermon in this way: 'Mine dere friends, let
us shay a few words before we begin.'
X3 Why can't a rich man go to Heaven?
Because he never is punished for his crimes
on earth, and must, therefore be punished hereafter.