Remarkable instance of absence of mind-
Miss Angelina Spifilenbtrg, an old lady, who
ke-.'i 'S the Fox Indian Tomahawk, a sporting
temperance hotel, at Big Bone Lick, near
Brandy-vine Springs, Slate of Virginh, be
sides having cork leg, has one of the most
powerful Squinting or screw eyes in this or any
other country. With this screw eye she can
take clfher cork leg with a single glance, and
screw the cork out of any bottle to which she
may take a fancy. v
One day, being,seized with absence of mind,
she mistook a Monoogahela whiskey bottle for
a stomach cordial, and unscrewed the cork
with her eye as usual; but iustead of putting
ihe'iight cork back again, she jammed the toe
of her cork leg quite into the bottle, and she
did not discover her mistake until the spirit had
so intoxicated her that she could not stand.
Aegro Shrewdness. A gentleman sent his
negro servant to purchase some fish. He went
to a stall and took up a fish. The fishmonger
observing it,3nd,:hinking tht bystanders might
catch the scent, exclaimed
Hillo, you black rascal, what do you smell
my fish foi?
The negro replied, V.e no smell. '
What are you doing then, sir?
Why me talk tu him, n)2sa ; m
what news at sea, da'.s all, ma:-sa.
And what does hs sp.v to von?
He say he don't know; !;? no been dere dis j
tree wee'il
ask him
A loafer said 'L went Ij id last night up
on a bench, about two o'clock this morning,
and slept out in th: open air all night, and was
so cold I could'nt go to sleep.
" AN 'Arkansas Girl's Letter, Thefollow
ing'chafacteristic epistle was picked up on the
roadli few days ago. It appears to be from a
young lady in Arkansas to her friend in the
East: Boston Tim:?.
9
i:Catfi;?h Eddy, Joon 12. 1342.
Deer Socs : I set' down to rite you a few
lines to let you no how were cumin on. Us
has binn livin up hear on Rackesak about a
;year, and has slithers of fun with the fokes
around about these Parts. Our settilment are
not very thick, but mind I tell you, there is sum
rale chaps in these hear diSgins. We bad a
nice little danse at cur hous last sundy nite;
thore was a raft of boas present, To tell you
the rale truth, there is one young hansum fel
ler that tiise to cort me mighty hard. He wares
ti top close, and then he has sich a nice straw
culered wesket, all full of them are yaller shi
ny ,butens3what we and you used to think was
s so purty. I dont keer a cus for him; his name
is Sam Simmons; but I likes him to cum to
our hous with his shinin wesliet butens, It
makes me feel allorerish, when I look at his
butens. Daddys crop is fine.. Him and Jim
calcelates on makin nine bales of coten this
sesin. Mammys got three cows and two caves.
I do wish ne.djop.es was here. When you see
him tell him to cum, for ioie most dien to look
at him. I protnist to have him. I swore it.
and by gravy ile stick to it, sink or swim.
Tell him to rite if he cant cum. Kiss his llt
tie sister for me. Tell ned thare is no dancer
of Sam Simmons; he cant cum it, even with
his purty yaller butens. Thare is to be ano
ther dans over the swomp, next sunday nite,
but I aint a goin no how you can ficks it. Tell
ned how I loves him. Deer, deer aed.do cum,
and let me have a kiss from yire sweat lips a
gin. Its most pes!-:y h a rd that I must stay
single so long, when there is so many chaps
hear that would marry me in a mir.et, and say
thank ye too. Sam is jist cum. D-ut forget
what I told you. Sams wesku is as purty as
eyer. I feai funny jist now, lookin at his but
ens, but tell ned he needent be afeard, thare
aint no danger. Mammy and Kit sends their
love to you. Tell ned to cum soon, for darnd
if Lean wate much longer.
Yore afecliont cuzen,
Matilda Ann B .
N. B. Sam is gone. He set up mity close,
he coodent cum it ; but theres no noin what
may come to pass yit. Tell ned to be ezy a
bout sara and cum soo."
AWFUL TIME.
A poor fellow up town was awakened from
his slumber, by cii unusual movement of the
bidsjead he was sleeping on, and by a terrible
scratching cu the iljoi. In great affright he
jumped up; and lighting the candle, looked
towards the noise to see what the matter could
be. What was his astonishment when he be-'
Jiedd four great bed-bugs, harnessed to one of
the bed-post by cart-ropes, and tearing across
the room with the whole concern, as if it had
been an express mail stage on a turnpike, with
the Dews of "another veto !"
Ed3" Uncle Sam asks, "Who will enjoy the
most serene slumbers the man who has over
looked an insult, or he that has called out the
offender and left him on the field with a bullet
in his heart ?
DEACON SNOWBALL'S
IkJrff i i i. , ,.r nufc.v s
When is a man's leg not a leg? When it is
a little bear (bare.) Skip over this, ladies.
TWENTY-EIGHTH ERMON.
Belubbed Bruddreu: Upon dis 'casion I
hope you 'squze my coat aid shirt-sleeve, for
de.wedd r bein' berry hot, I strip to4him, and
work in de vineyard wid my coat off. So I
work all de better. Guess we take for our tex
dese words: '
Molly Jenks and I fell out,
And v. hst do you think it was about?
Shelves money, and I loves rum,
And that's the way the quarrel begun.
De poet confess hirn sin in dis place. 1 'spose
him am a reformed drunkard, and his lady am
named Molly Jenks. I am 'tickler 'quested to
say dat Miss Molly Jenks am no relation tode
editor ob de Nantucket 'quirer.
She fallout wid her husband, and de poet
tell you dat it was a love quarrell all about
love ob money and love ob rum. Money is de
root ob all evil, and so money is de root ob rum:
bekase you can get rum wid money, and if you
hab no money, you get no rum. Dat show ber
ry plain dat when dis geraraan's wife lub mo
ney she was wuss dan her old man, bekase de
monev buy de rum. Dis am berry plain to de
meanest compacity. Dis Molly Jenks lub
money, and so it follow ob konsequince dat
her husband lub rum. I tink he get his rum
in Sam's sullar, and I recollect de time when
a woman cum dar for her husband and make
great noise, and Sam push 'em beff out, and
dey iumbl? in de treet togedder. Dat is time
dat dey fell cut. In de fust place dey fell in
togedder, arnd den in de nest place dey fell out
togedder. v
When de lub ob money get hold ob you,den
de lub ob rum is de next ting:, bekase when
you get rnonay you spend him de sullar, in;
stead ob givin' him to your spected preacher
who lay him up for you De lub ob rum am
berry structive to de morals ob de risin' gene
ration, and keep you way from dis sacred
place, and dat take de bread out ob de mouth
ob your spected preacher. If you dont come
here I cant save your sins. Dat is de third
diwision ob our subject.
De lass time I hab de honor ob to dress dis
congregation, I loose a leather breast pin out
ob my bosom and hope dat dem dat has picked
ft up will hab de goodness to hand him in at
de close ob dis discourse. It hab been gested
to me dat Maria Wing hab sot de breast pin.
I dat case, I hope she hand him in, or I shall
spose her to all dis congregation. Peter John
son wish mj to tate to dis congregation dat
he hab open his new shop to black boot and
shoe, corner ob Cat Alley, and will be happy
to make de polish shine for ladies and gem
men. De prayer ob dis congregashun is ques
ted for Caeser Widgeon in de sullar dat he hab
more custom and get good price for he goods.
Now I shall prove upon de hole, haft at a
time. Dis is de science ob phrenology. Hab
you had your head 'zaraine lass m'gbt by a
gemman datlekterz on bobbolition and preno
logy, and he sez de two sciences fs werry
much alike, and he lamed urn beff togedder.
He zamine your spected preacher's head, and
he tell me dat I hab de bump of almontiveness
berry big, and dat is de mark ob grate laming
and talooss and all dat. He gib me de. bump
ob fiatnoseitiveness, and bump ob bobbolition,
and de bump ob preachitiveness, and he tell
me if I was not a colored gemman I should be
a second gineril Jeffursun. I wise you all to
hab your head zamine if you want to become
a great man. 1 knowed a white gemman dat
was almost a fool fore he go dare, and dey
make him out a Wonderful feller since. Dis
is de seventeenth diwision ob de subjeck in
cludin de priniciples ob fernology.
I wish to call detention ob dis congregashun
to de fack dat de pulpit will be painted wid
black paint to correspond wid de complexion
of your spected pastor. Dis will quire great
expense, and de hat will be handed round fust,
and arter dat we will hand round a boot to put
money in for de black paint. Amen.
Absence of Mind. A man, says Uncle
Sam, up in Little Compton, was disposed to
shave himself on Sunday morningstrapped his
razor on his wife's cheek,lathered himself with
a whitewash brush brush and fell to shaving
the hairs off the cat. He did, not discover his
mistake until he went to church and the min
ister preached about whitened sepulchres.
There's many a female who will eat
Pencils and chalk in doses.,
To make her skin genteel and white ;
t O, temporal O, Moses ! ,
- -
A femQwears upon her head
What moderns call a bonnet;
More an ancientconvent bell,
With plumes ando3es orlit.
Advice for the Times. Live temperately
go to churchattend to your own affairs
love all the pretty girls marry one of them
live like a man, and die like a Christian.
If Nebuchadnezzar ate grass like the oxen
for seven years, how did he manage in winter?
Eat hay? the editor of the Albany Micro
scope says he fed on possum, on the ground
that "all flesh is grass."
Catching fleas in a fish net, is considered
absurd
'A horse a horse mv kingdom for ahorse!
as the man said when they were riding him on
a rail. ".-
A wag passing by a house which had been
almost destroyed by fire, enquired whose it
was; on being told it was a hatter's, Ah,' said
he, 'then the loss will be felt.1
'Nip'd in the flower of youth,' as the boy
said when, for the first time in his life, he
drank a gin cocktail.
'Touch me not,' as the decanter of rum said
to the teetotaller.
'Oh! how feel the whigs who used to sing
The lays of old Tippecanoe?
Tip's gone he's dead; and so, to the whigs,
Is there once loved 'Tyler too.'
No wender he died, poor fellow!' said a ten
der hearted lady on hearing of the death of a
young man who was courting her sister.
Why, what was the matter?' inquired a
gentleman.
'Oh, he had an affection of the heart.'
'No Miss-take!1 as Van Buren thought of
the pretty Miss out west, when she refused to
take the kiss he was about to give her.
Singular Costume: A French naval offi.
cei of destinction, say an exchange paper,
lately returned from a cruise in the Pacific,and
brought with him, as a present to his sister,the
complete costume of an Indian princess on one
of the Society Island. It consisted of neck
lace. " Wide is the gate and broad is the way
which leadeth to destruction," as the oyster
soliloquised, when he glided down the loafers
throat.
John Smith lately ran away with a girl in
Kentucky, and then married her.- Ex. pa.
You are mistaken sir John Smith is a near
neighbor of ours, and is yet a single man. He
has desired us to contradict this report.
(Lou. Sun.
Not so fast, Mr. Sun, John Smith lives here
and has'neither run away with a young lady,
nor is he a bachelor, but an honest old Ducth
oioneer wilh a numerous family. He desires
us to request the newspapers to let him alone,
as he is disposed to 'fight his battles o'er again
in his own way. (Eliz. Register.
Hold your hoss, Mr. Register, you are under
a mistake yourself. John Smith lives not far
from this place, and says he never ran away
in his life, nor was he ever" a bachelor, but a
widower; and what is more, he was married a
few weeks since to a very pretty girl in Gar
rad county. (Danville Ky. Mercury.
We should like to know, where John Smith
was not, and what he has not done, and was
not doing, who he has not married, and who
he is not courting. We know him to be a
confounded rogue and still an honest man.
He has courted our Sail, married our Sail, and
still our Sail is single. (Ox. Mercury.
Come, Mr. Mercury, don't slander your
poor relations. John Smith lives in this City,
and is a mulatto, and fn quently employed as
friend Loring's pressman. Don't slander your
kin, we beseech you. Rasp.
Singular Wager. A young woman had
laid a wager that she would descend into a
vault in the middle of the night, and bring from
thence a a skull. The person who took the
wager had previously hid himself in the vaultj
and as the girl seized a skull, cried in a hol
low voice, 'Leave me ray head!' 'There it is,'
said the girl, throwing if down, and catching
up another. 'Leave me my head !' said the
same voice. 'Nay, nay,' saidlhe heroic lass,
'you canno.t have two heads:'' so broucrht the
skull, ancTwon the wager.
Accident. A boy in the Boston Bee office
had his fool shockingly mangled, on Friday,
by getting it entaDgled in the machinery of the
press, which was in operbtion. By instantly
stopping it, his leg was sayed,and he will soon
recover. v v'
Pudding is an excellent thing for an unquiet
conscience, as when it is taken into the stom
ach, the heart can quietly rest upon it, like one
lying upon a feather bed, and thjs it remains
perfectly quiet and at ease. Uncle Sam.
Of all the birds of the air, there are none so
merry as the sparrow. When a mao is care
worn or low spirtied, they are continually call
ing out to him to 'cheer up, cheer-up.'
'Boy, what is your name?' 'Robert, sir.'
Yes"; thatisyaur Christian name, but what is
your other name.' 'Bob, sir.'
A little fellow who was in the habit of steal
ing his mothtr's pies from the closet, was ex
cused on the ground that the act evinced a tie
ous turn of mind. (Penny Post.
A graceless scamp, says the Boston Bee,was
recently heard singing the following:
'When I can shoot my rifle clear,
To pigeons in the skies,
I'll bid farewell to pork and beans,
And live on good pot pies.'
He was all alone by himself at the time, and
returning from an unsuccessful hunt after peeps
and sand snipe at least we presume so.
I AM ON OATH.
A lawyer not over young nor handsomef
in examining a young lady, a witness in
court, made many attempts to confuse her,
and thus to render her testimony contradic
tory and unavailable. She however seemed
to be calm and proof against all frivolous
questions put to her; at last the lawyer,, de
termined to perplex her, said: "Upon my
word, you are.very pretty I", The young la
dy very promptly replied, "I would return
the compliment, dear sir, if I vere not on
oath." As may be supposed, the lawyer
questioned her no farther. Ciescent City.