VOL 22
OXFORD, N. C., FRIDAY JULY 30, 1909.
NO. 47
The Planet Mercury.
Thou-li Mercury is one of the small
t of the Plilll0ts' il is PerhaPs tbe
t t'vi'ble.-ome to the astronomer.
r,s W cli.se to the sun that it is
lt Uht seldom in comparison with
feeU0.tli- groat planets. Its orbit is
1- rcntrio, :uul it experiences dis
uu,t,s by the attraction of other
jViu a way not yet fully under-
special dilliculty has also
stood- 1. , .
ft mud in nit' jittc-iiiiL iu piiiuts
In tin weighing scales. We
i he whole earth, we can
sun. the moon and even
can
-.vei.m
iWx other planets, but Mercury
' .l i'HuIties of a peculiar cbar
. ,. I Verrier, however, succeeded
'. devHi'i' a method of weighing it.
hli ,u-n:o nitrated that our earth is
ttricteii I'.v !his P!:inet- and he showed
f t! " :!m "uat of :lttrattion mav he
jiloal In observations of the sun.
f.Mii an examination of the ob
e .n :iti he l!)-'ule an approximate
jetoi'iiin iti. n of the mass of Mercury.
Le Vt i ri. i ' result indicated that the
-,Hit -f til'" planet was about the fif
t,.t'!it!i j:"'t f the weight of the earth.
In ct her words, if our earth was placed
jU :1 l.:i!.u:i ! and fifteen globes, each
,'., t Metvurv. were laid in the
oiii
,,r -scales woumi uaug eveuiy.
story of the Heavens.
When Her Turn Came.
The Jourii.-ii had taken on a "woman
p,lit"i'" whose duty was to look after
tte ''woman's page." Space being
sc-arr. in 'lie Mooa! room." a desk was
gjv.'ti in fhe managing editor's
room, .liivi-rly adjoining. For a week
or two '! f:iult was found with her
work, hut one morning the managing
(,(itur .sain ' hir:
Miss JVnfield. your style of writing
is a little r" terse and epigrammatic
for the nectlr of your department. You
must sMnly expansion."
Vmv well. Mr. Ringgold," she an-sw-'il.
"I will try."
Thor vil'ter lier work appeared to
iw n i ire satisfaction, for there was
lo further criticism. About six months
later, however, the managing editor
afrer a morning spent in working at
his 'l-sk s idvlenly wheeled in his chair
aiiil s:iii:
Mis Ten Held, I want a wife. I want
you. Will you many me?"
"Mr. Rinirgold," she responded, with
a m-Kkia- smile, "that is rather terse
ami piivrammatic. Don't you think
youou-lit to study expansion a little?"
-Youth's Companion.
A Word of Warning.
"You never proposed to her on your
knees!' -n. d the veteran married man
ia dismay.
"Sun- 1 did: sine." the youth repeat
ed, a iri.wi. pr.md light shining in his
eyes.
"We!!." said the veteran, "you'll re
gret it -about twice a week for the rest
of your life. After you get married the
slightest argument, the first impatient
W'ji'd. win cause your wife to say,
'You vf!t-'rt like this when you went
dov.-ii on your knees and begged me,
with tears in your eyes, to marry you.'
"it's pretty bad to have an angry
vile read out your old love letters re
pr"ar !ifii!y." said the veteran, "but
that i.s !M,?i,jj1Sv t,, hciiig reminded of
your kheediig proposal every week till
Pu nr.' a nt-grandfather."
"You . !(.;.. -sed on your knees your
seifV" tl... y..;,tli hazarded.
I'-ut ill,- ve'eran frowned and made
Bor'iiy.--L.,s Angeles Times.
Th3 Seven Wise Men of Greece.
T!i,.
sv. -it wise men of Greece were
h Chairs of ictus, Periaiidor of Cor-
,!'hi. Clet.hulu.s (if Lyndus. Chilon of
L;i'l;,i-., ,;;()!. SolSl! of AthdlS, BlaS Of
I'riesni- ami IMttaeus of Mitylene
iiie tistioMiij.n j)f Miletus sold a draft
of fis!i, s to a bystander. When the
!l,'i was -irawii in It contained a golden
tl'il''L and the purchaser claimed it
viis bis, wiiiio the fishermen contend
U:d they sold only the fish that
he h, tiu- net. Flie dispute was
r"l"ite.l to the oracle of Delphi, who
awniu.-, t In trijK'd to the wisest man
"Kheee,. Thereupon it was taken to
y-i'-s. who declined it and suggested
that jt yiveu to Bias. He in turn
Mused u, ,eeopt it, and thus it was
suff(..s,;jV(.!v ,vlcIino1 by aU tne seven
aril1 ILly -en- thereafter known as the
seven wisr men of Greece.
The Number 4.
's, four quarters of the moon, four
fcasons, !i,ur rules of arithmetic, four
rWs of c-irus, four quarters to the
nr, fniu i0j,s for furniture? m0st ani
J1'8 go on four legs, the dead arc
P'tfed .envo(;n f0lir panks, the pris-
"'-rs i,t.tv...Mi four walls. We have
0'r h'v and four canine teeth, and
r forks have four prongs. All ani-
'ds whea butchered are cut Into four
rrtrt'- Tiu vi
all
sti-"! illstrinents, has but four
iniul at poker, even if the? are
"is. nxchange.
Dressed For the Part.
roup i Su,'ct hav you taken for
r au.lres.- at the Civic club?"
cilize?,'111'8 moral oblisations as a
are a ,0Vely subject! And what
Mth at w gown 1 brought home
I haa frm Paris. And just think!
ola ciotb f'1ever1 Packed in with my
SPectrl tbat the customs house in
' never discovered It was there."
TUP" ftnnnAsxr- .
lib. vHDDHUb UUnt. !
Old Ezekiel Had Long Been Wanting
a Boiled Dish.
"This idea that people thrive best
on the food they like best is not as
modern as you seem to think," said
the old doctor to the young doctor.
"When Ezekiel Holmes was something
over 100 years old he was taken sick,
and my grandfather, one of the best
physicians in that section, was called
in to see him after the family had
done their worst to make him better.
"Grandfather pronounced Mr. Holmes
very ill and told the family that the
end was probably near he might not
live out the night. As soon as this
news spread through the neighborhood
several friends called to sit up or
watch with the sufferer. Among them
was a sea captain, who took the sec
ond watch.
"A little after midnight Mr. Holmes
awoke and said the doctor was starv
ing him. The captain asked what he
would like to eat.
" Corned beef and cabbage replied
the old man.
"The captain found some in the pan
try It was a staple dish In those days
and gave him a generous plateful,
reasoning, as he said afterward, that
so long as the old man's hours were
numbered he might as well have what
he wanted while he lasted. After eat
ing heartily Mr. Holmes said he felt
much better and Avent quietly to sleep.
The next morning, when grandfather
called, he found his patient on the
road to recovery. The old man not
only got well, but kept so for four
or five years afterward, and he al
ways stoutly declared that his mid
night meal had cured him.
" 'I'd been wanting a boiled dish a
fortnight,' he used to say, 'and mother
wouldn't let me have it. But I worked
a traverse on her and got well M
Youth's Companion.
"MATUSHKA VOLGA."
Melody of Sorrow Heard In Prison and
FaJace In Russia.
There is an air so popular in Russia
that it is even more familiar than their
national anthem to the people of that
great, mysterious empire. I have heard
it in all parts of the czar's dominions
from the Baltic sea to Bering strait
and from Archangel to the Caspian, in
the glittering palaces of Petersburg
and in foul prison dens of Siberia.
It is a simple melody in the minor
kej-, suggestive, like most Slav music,
of sorrow and unrest, and it is called
"Matushka (or Mother) Volga," as for
some cryptic reason every Russian, be
he noble or nihilist, is taught from
childhood to regard this great river iu
the light of a maternal relative. Yet
the river is full of sad associations,
for convicts formerly traveled a por
tion of the journey to Siberia along its
broad, sluggish stream.
I can never forget the haunting
sweetness of "Matushka Volga" as I
heard It sung on a prison barge one
quiet summer evening by a party of
fettered politicals banished to the
great lone land of exile, for "Mother
Volga" was their last link with home
and the loved ones they might never
meet again.
Fortunately the condemned are now
sent into Asia by the Transsiberian
railway, and the unhappy exile is
spared at least one bitter parting that
from his well beloved "Mother Volga'
Travel Magazine.
A Curious Tree.
One of the natural curiosities of
south Mashonaland is a "German ;
sausage tree." It bears deep crimson j
flowers, three inches long, in blazing
bunches of twelve, but when the tree
fndts into fat. substantial, sausage
like pods there remain no leaves, and 1
it looks like a sausage larder indeed, j
These beans are twenty Inches long
and twelve inches in girth and are be
loved of the native tribe of Shangaans
and baboons. But the tribe of the
Karenga are a very superior people
and would never deign to eat them.
There can be no reason for this, as
at least no one can accuse these "sau
sages" of being connected in any way
with dogs or cats. Natal Witness.
May Cure Snoring Too.
, "I've found a curefor nightmare,"
said the man who will eat despite his
subsequent sufferings. "When I go
to bed at night I slip a string through
an empty spooL secure the spool firmly
so it will not slide and then tie the
string around my waist In such a way
that the spool comes in the middle of
my back. The result is that if I try
to turn on my back in my sleep I lie
on the spool, and I can assure you it
awakens me promptly. No; it isn't
pleasant to be wakened in that way,
but It is better than having to go
through one of the diabolical night
mares from which I have suffered for
several years' New York Press.
Must Keep It Dry.
The teacher had explained to a pri
mary class the difference between sol
ids and liquids and illustrated her
points bv objects kept on a table.
When she thought her pupils had
grasped the idea she held up her watch
and asked. "Now, children, must I put
this among the solids or among the
liquids?' "Among the solids, teacher,
a bright little boy replied. "Why not
among the liquids?" she asked. "Be
cause," replied the little fellow "be
cause tf you do you will get it wet
Wasted All "i ..i Wishes.
An Irish legend has it that a good
fairy once visited an old couple and
promised them that any three wishes
they would make would be granted.
After racking their brains for some
time in an endeavor to discover what
they desired most the couple decided
to visit the county fair to see if some
thing there would suggest what they
wanted. They did so. and. after ram
bling around ail day and not seeing
anything that exactly suited them, to
ward evening they found themselves
before a display of kitchen utensils.
Among them was a soup ladle, cheap,
but likely to appeal to a woman, so the
old woman In an absent moment said.
"Oh, I wish I had one of those," and
immediately she had it. The old man
was so enraged because his wife had
thoughtlessly thrown away one valua
ble wish that he retorted, "I wish that
was stuck down your throal," and im
mediately this was done. Thereupon
he was at once sorry at what he
wished, and the only thing left to do
was to wish the ladle out again. So
all-three wishes went for naught.
How Snakes Get Over Ground.
Although the snake appears to have
no legs or feet, it may be said to be
practically supplied with upward of a
hundred pairs of them. In fact, each
joint of the backbone bears a pair of
ribs, which are mobile and have their
points attached to the inner surface of
one of the large transverse, platelike
scales which clothe the undersurface
of the body. Thus by the movements
of the ribs attached to It each plate
can be drawn forward and its margin
applied to the ground. By the succes
sive application of these multitudinous
plates the body can be drawn forward
in a straight line without its being
thrown into undulations from side to
side. But rapid movements are also ef
fected by such undulations, and ser
pents can by pressure and appropriate
muscular action climb trees and some
times spring forward. They also swim
easily by lateral flexures, but no ser
pents advance by vertical bendlngs of
the body, though they are so oiten
drawn In such an attitude.
Bolivia's Electrical Storms
Owing to the peculiar topographical
formation of Bolivia, electric and other
phenomena are of constant occurrence,
the principal zone where such dis
turbances take place being the Alti
planicie, or grand plateau. As the at
mosphere is heavily charged with elec
tricity both in summer and winter,
dry or electric storms are of frequent
occurrence both on the plateau and in
the valleys. Before the rainy season
sets in electrical accumulation becomes
considerable on the plateau region, its
most violent manifestations taking
place toward the eastern section of the
tablelands. An electrical storm In these
regions is always a most imposing
spectacle, as the tremendous force of
the wind, almost equal to a hurricane,
and the heavy electrical accumulation
in the clouds produce terrible atmos
pheric explosions and violent detona
tions, while the surface of the ground
sparkles and crackles.
Vacation by Think.
Make a compact with your soul to
take a vacation and the way is simple.
There are portions of your time over
which you have control. Probably
your evenings and your Sundays are
your own. Set apart a month or so.
Eliminate the self assigned tasks for
those hours out of business and give
yourself up to the pursuit of pleasure.
Get others to join you. Call a vacation
club. Adopt a real vacation spirit and
go in for a good time. Resolve never
to speak of work out of business hours,
but to fill to the full that time which
is your own with recreations which
most appeal to you. Did you ever sing?
Sing now. Did you ever paint? Paint
now. Remember nature's gifts to you
and find occasion to praise nature
within as Well as without Exchange.
He Got It Wrong.
A lady while going downstairs to
dinner had the misfortune to step
slightly on the dress of a lady in front
of her. The man on whose arm the
former was leaning said aloud, rudely,
so that the couple in front might hear:
"Always getting in the way, like Ba
laam's ass."
Upon which the lady whose gown
had been trodden on, turning round,
replied with a sweet smile:
"Pardon me! It was the angel who
stood in the way and the ass which
spoke." Tit-Bits.
Touching.
Jack That young Simperly seems
such a fragile fellow I should hesitate
to touch him for fear he would break.
Sam He wouldn't hesitate about
touching you if he was broke. London
Telegraph.
Why Women Are Like Tugboats.
Biggs Why are the tugs on the Wis
consin river like the co-eds who walk
up and down State street? Muggs
And the answer is? Biggs Some toe
out and some toe in. Wisconsin
Sphinx. . m . m ,
Some men can't understand why the
truth will nearly always serve better
than a lie.
TIDES AMU HSHINU.
Fish Are More Active In Search For
Food on the Flood Tide.
The most essential thing in sea fish
ing, next to tackle and bait, is a tide
table, because all marine fishes ex
cept the flatfish flounder and fluke
are captured more readily at a certain
tide. The main cause for such is that
fish are more active in their search
for food generally on the flood tide.
Vast schools of little fishes move
close Into shore on the incoming tide,
working their way into the smaller
bays and inlets, especially near the
edge of banks, whene they feed on
the small crustaceans, shrimps and lit
tle minnows that can effectually hide
from their larger enemies when the
tide is low and the large fish are un
able to get at them in very shoal wa
ters. It Is a common and interesting sight
to see a school of weakfish slowly
moving in near the surface with the
early tide. Suddenly one sees the
smooth surface all in commotion. Sil
very minnows leap frantically in all
directions, looking like flashes of dia
monds, then instantly disappear to cer
tain death. At such times anglers
should be ready with their boat
trimmed snug. lines out flouting forty
feet away, baited with live shrimps.
Tide affects bottom fecdei's, though
not to such a large extent. Fishing
from piers and docks an hour before
and after flood is most likely to give
good results. On wrecks much de
pends on the kind of fish. The last of
the ebb and at low tide is considered
the worst condition for general fish
ing. In the open sea, on the banks,
tidal influence counts for little or noth
ing. Any tide is as go(d as another.
Outing Magazine.
THE LIVERY STABLE DOG.
Some Ways In Which He Differs From
the Fashionable Pets.
The common livery stable dog is to
tally unlike the "powder puff" or
"toots and skigums" dog, but his dis
position is infinitely better. To lie on
a cushion and growl and snap at th'
hand that would caress It is considered
the height of folly in the livery stable
variety.
The livery stable dog approaches you
ingratiatingly and offers you . dirty
paw to shake. After you have shaken
it he solemnly gives you the other.
Then he crawls up in your lap and
licks you on the mouth.
The livery stable canine is a most
industrious digger of holes. The the
ory is that he is going to lie down in
the hole he digs, but he does no such
thing.. He goes and lies down right
iu the middle of the sidewalk, where
people will have to step over him. He
will never get out of anybody's way.
He even lies down in the middle of
the street and tries to make earts.
wagons and automobiles avoid him.
He doesn't enjoy as large a vocab
ulary as the powder puff or skigums
dog. A phrase like "Does urns yvant
urns itty bass?" would scaTe him to
death. His advantages have not been
such as to acquaint him with such
hifalutin talk, but he does know a few
simple phrases like "Git to blazes out
of here, you darned pest!' He under
stands that perfectly. Puck.
The Amerioan Youth.
Tf the truth were told most vounsr
' American men are not especially inter
esting. They do not keep up their
reading. They have a national ob
tundity when it comes to music, to art.
to literature, nor do many of them
take any of these things at all serious
ly. The young among them are not
goo4 conversationalists. Our cleverest
men are monologlsts pure and simple.
They lecture admirably. They are
born orators along modified lines. They
are ine vital e story tellers. None of
this is conversation, and women like
conversation, like its courtesies, which
at least pretend a little interest when
their turn comes in the game. Knowl-
' edge of people and affairs outside our
own country pricks more than one
bubble about our young men. Anna
A. Rogers in Atlantic.
Discipline!
From the class room occupied by the
roughest boys in the ounday school
came a great uproar. A secretary in
the next room went to investigate.
Complete silence followed the opening
of the class room door.
"Have you a teacher?"
"No."
"Do you want one?"
"No."
"Then be quiet or you'll get one."
Result, comparative peace. Manches
ter Guardian.
Looking Out For Grandma.
They are considerate youngsters in
Nottingham, as most people know,
says London Tit-Bits. A little boy
whose grandmother had just died
wrote the following letter, which he
duly posted:
"Dear Angels We have sent you
grandma. Please give her a harp to
play, as she is short winded and cant
blow a trumpet."
Well Rehearsed.
Stage Manager Remember, .Bangs,
we are depending on your baby to cry
lustily in the third scene. Do you
think he'll do his part? Actor Father
He ought to, sir. He's been rehears-
NOISY WEDDINGS.
Boisterous Prelude .to Marriages In Old
Rcthenburg.
They love music in Rothenburg, and
it is an incident of most functions,
public and private. In front of the
rathhaus, when weilding formalities
are going on inside, hired musicians
loudly drum and trumpet, whereat the
people come ruur-ing from all direc
tions, for a wedd'- is not carried on
with the quiv'tne -. ,i'vh would please
the shy and retiring. Marriage is a
sacrament neither lightly nor secretly
entered .into.
On the night before the wedding it
is considered de regueur to hurl old
pots and pans against the house of the
bride with bolsterotis good wishes, and
without these delicate attentions a
bride would really feel slighted. Her
two best friends wait upon her during
the din and give her a wreath and a
veil and some verses composed in her
honor, and that the verses are curi
ously like those offered to brides in
the past, except for necessary change
of name, is not at all a drawback.
Weddings are usually on Tuesdays,
and they take from 7 o'clock in the
morning till 4 or 5 o'clock in the after
noon, including the time at the town
hall. At the home there will likely
be a play given in which are set forth
the supposed foibles of the bride and
groom, and some friend, masquerad
ing as a gypsy, will come in and give
whatever kind of prophecy best ac
cords with his wits. Robert Shackle
ton in Harper's Magazine.
MEXICANS' STAFF OF LIFE.
The Tortilla Is Their Bread Frijoles
Are Boiled Beans.
The tortilla is the ancient Indian
bread of Mexico. Its only constituent
is Indian corn (maize), which the wo
men soak in limewater until the ker
nels are at the point of bursting, then
wash thoroughly until it is free from
lime, when they grind it by rubbing it
on a large block of stone, especially
cut for the purpose, with a smaller
stone which they hold in their hands.
The operation looks very much like
rubbing clothes on a washboard an '
is a laborious and tedious one. The
lime renders the corn dough adhesive,
like wheat flour dough, and it is easily
patted between the hands into cakes
the size and shape of an ordinary grid
dlecake and is baked upon a thin
stone griddle. Though no salt or
leaven is added, fresh tortillas are ex
ceedingly palatable.
The one other food mainstay is fri
joles ordinary beans. They are boiled
to a mush and with a liberal quantity
of lard are warmed as required in a
flat earthen dish that answers for a
frying pan. The very poor people do
not always have the luxury of frijoles
and when they do have them cannot
always afford the lard. New York
Sun. Odd Death Certificates.
Certificates of death are not docu
ments where one usually seeks for hu
mor, but there is frequently to be
found in them much of the unconscious
variety. Here, for instance, is how
the cause of death is stated in the case
of a laborer:
"Died from injuries received through
a bull accidentally kneeling on his
chest."
The consideration shown for the feel
ings of the bull is a fine touch and
suggests grave questions on the moral
responsibility of the lower anim.-ils.
Again, a man is stated to have "died
from the effects of injuries received
after being run over by a railway
train in motion owing to a misunder
standing between deceased and an
engine driver." This description of a
rather ordinary railway casualty is ex
cellent. London Express.
Sensitive Tobacco Plants.
In Cuba the best tobacco comes from
one strip of land only, the slopes of a
certain river, and even there a north
wind may ruin the crop. Tobacco is
the most sensitive plant we know of.
The smallest tiling affects its flavor.
Plant Virginia tobacco in Germany,
and the result is a better tobacco, but
it is German tobacco, not Virginian.
In north Borneo they produce the mosl
delicate and silky leaves that eve;
were seen, but the tobacco lacks char
acter and taste. Send Havana seeds
to the Philippines, and you merely pro
duce a superior Manila. Cleveland
Plain Dealer.
Homemade Names.
"That little girl." remarked the
druggist to the doctor, "was ju?t in for
10 cents' worth of tincture of benzine.
But I've had it before and gave her
benzoin."
"That was easy," answered the doc
tor. "This morning on a diphtheria
case the woman wanted to know if I
administered antitoxin with an epi
demic syringe." New York Press.
Just the Opposite.
"When I first met you." criod the
woman who hd been married for her
money, "you occupied a low, menial
position, but now, thanks to me, your
position"
"Is a hymeneal one," her husband
interrupted.
See W. S. Gooch at Stem before
buying fiues. " julj 9.
Giving the Bride a Tip.
"Here's a little pointer for you." said
the bride of last year to the brido of
this year. "I'll tell you my own expe
rience, and you can judge for yourself
what to do. When we returned from
cil- wedding trip and 1 began to rum
make through George's belongings I
found six or seven pairs of gloves and
at least nine pairs of silk hose, things
that he had never had on. They had
been tucked away in all sorts of
places. Most of them I at once recog
nized as presents I had given to him
from time to time. Besides them, I
found a lot of handkerchiefs still un
used, handkerchiefs that I had em
broidered his initial on with my own
ha nds.
"What do you suppose I did? Fool
ishly I gathered them all together and
spread them out on the bed where he
would see them when he came home
and feel ashamed of himself for never
using my presents. Just think what a
lack of forethought I showed! Con
sider what a saving of pin money it
would have been if I had put the
things away and then doled them out
to him for Christmas presents or birth
day presents one by one. It would
have served him exactly right too."
Cleveland riain Dealer.
Ar You a Beggar?
All the beggars are not holding out
a hand to passersby in the street. You
probably krw the man who Is ever
whining for help. If a fanner, he
thinks his neighbors should help hlni
get in his grain or do his plowing.
If in business, he is always trying to
borrow or wanting some one to boost
him or drum up customers. Ho never
seems to think of relying on his own
efforts. There is a well known fable
abotit the larks in a gralnfleld. As
long as the farmer depended on his
neighbors and relations to come and
cut his grain the larks felt perfectly
safe. When the man determined to
cut the grain himself the larks knew
it was time to seek safety elsewhere.
There are times when every one
needs help, but help should be asked
only when one has made every possi
ble effort for himself.
Too much help given a man weakens
his character. Milwaukee Journal.
A Quiet Rebuke.
An "object admonition" like the one
described by Warren Lee Goss In his
article, "Campaigning to No Purpose,"
published in Johnson's "Battles and
Leaders of the Civil War," is often
more efficacious than storms of re
proach. One day the colonel of the regiment
noticed a soldier on parade wearing a
badly soiled pair of gloves.
"Corporal," said the officer, "why do
you set the men such a bad example as
appearing before them in dirty gloves?
Why is it?"
"I've had no pay, sir, since I entered
the service," returned the corporal. "I
can't afford to have them done up."
The colonel drew from his pocket a
pair of gloves, spotlessly white. Hand
ing them to the corporal, ho said quiet
ly: "Put these on. I washed them my
self." It was an unforgotten lesson to the
whole regiment.
Von Holstein's Dress Coat.
Prince Bulow once invited Herr von
Holstein to dinner, telling him that it
was to meet the emperor. "But," re
plied Holstein, "I don't believe that 1
have a dress coat at present. I will
try, however, to get one made in time,
and if 1 can't perhaps the emperor will
take me as I am." This, the Times
says, was reported to his majesty, who
said that Ilerr von Holstein was to ap
pear in any garb he pleased.
When the meeting took place Hol
stein was In his usual frock coot, and
the emperor laughingly tapped him on
the shoulder and said: "I see that dres
coat wasn't ready. It doesn't matter."
London Standard
Cheering Him Up.
"Bill," said the invalid's friend,
"I've come to cheer yei up a bit like
I've brought yer a few flahrs, Bill
thought If 1 was too late they'd come
in 'andy for a wrcaf, yer know. No,
don't get down'earted, Bill. Lummy,
don't yei look gasbly! But, there,
keep up yer spirits, olt sport; I've
come to see yer an' cheer yer up a lilt
Nice little room yer 'ave 'ere; but. as
I says to meself when I was a'comin
up, wot a orkard staircase to get a
coffin dahn!" London Globe.
An Epitaph.
In the churchyard of Leigh, near
Bolton, will be found a tombstone
bearing the following amazing sen
tence: "A virtuous woman is 5s. to her
husband." The explanation seems to
be that space prevented "a crown"
being cut in full, and the stonemason
argued that a crown equals 5 shillings.
London Notes and Queries.
Musical Note.
"How do you sell your music?" asked
the prospective customer.
"It depends on the kind you want."
replied the smart clerk. "We sell pijno
music by the pound and organ music
by the choir."
Some mon never realize what consti
tutional liars they are until they arc
compelled to make an unusual effort
to tell the truth,
i .. . , - . .... -