FUN AND FANCY COLUMN,
JOCKS AND OTHER SLANG
No Fool, No Fun, the
Biggest One Has
Not Begun
Have you heard about the kind
hearted old lady? She heard a lot of
kids talking about shooting craps,
whereupon she said to ’em, “Little
boys, don’t you know you shouldn’t
shoot craps? The poor little things
love life as much as you do!” —Ex.
More Repairs
“Mary, have you cemented the han
dle on to the water-jug, which you
dropped yesterday?”
“I started to, mum, hut I dropped
the cement bottle.”
“Did you notice that pile of wood in
the yard?”
“Yes-m, I seen it.”
“You should mind you grammar.
You mean you saw it.”
“No’m. You saw me see it, but you
ain’i seen me saw it.”
There's Life Yet.
When a me n has spent his last red
cent,
The world looks blue, you bet,
But show him a dollar, and you can
hear him holler,
Th re i's life in the old man yet.
Reassurance Needed.
Jack: “You sold me a car about a
week ago.”
Irvin: “Yes, sir. How do you like 1
it?” | |
Jack: “I want you to repeat every- i
thing you said about the car again. (
I’m getting discouraged.”
i
Getting Nervous
A lawyer was conducting a case in
court, wherein one of the witnesses, a
burly negro, confessed to being en
gaged in a crap game. Immediately
the lawyer said: “Now, sir, I want you
to tell the jury just how you deal
craps.”
“What’s dat?” asked the Wifne •.
rolling his eyes. ,
“Address the jury, sir,” thundered
the lawyer, “and tell them just how
you deal craps.” f
“Lemme outen heah!” cried the wit
ness uneasily. “Fust thing I know this !
genman gwine to ask me how to drink
a ham sandwich.”
Economy Plus
A Scotchman woke up one morning
to find his wife had passed away. He
leaped from bed and ran horror-strick"
en into the hail.
“Mary,” he called downstairs to the
cook. “Boil only One egg for break- ]
fast this morning!”
r
Power of Suggestion
Aunt Mandy kept her house spot- !
less, consequently poor Sambo was
constantly being nagged about his :
untidy habits. i
One day Sambo came home to find
that Mandy had presented him twins.
He viewed this as something of a
calamity and said rather mournfully:
“Mandy, I’se dune cautioned you time
an’ again to let dat ole Gold Dust stutf
alone, now, ah reckons you’ll listen to
me some heahaftah.”
Some people are afraid of automo
biles; some people are afraid of air- 1
planes, and some people are afraid of
the dentist. j
Surgeon Claims
Cancer Can be Cured
4
>
“Cancer is a great human menace.
It is increasing by leaps and bounds, j
If anything, it is increasing more rap- 1
idly in the United States than it is in
the British Isles. Os those now living
in the British Isles, 5,000,000 are
doomed to die of cancer if they do
nothing to prevent it. In the United
States the doomed number is 10,000.-
000 and might easily rise to 15,000,000
or 20,000,000.’’
This remarkable statement is made
by Sir W. Arbuthnot Lano, Bart., one .
of the world’s most eminent surgeons ;
and dietitians, in an article appearing
in the June 20 issue of the Dearborn
Independent. »
According to Sir Arbuthnot. cancer
is not caused by the baccillus that
scientists have so long sought and not
vet found, but rather by poisons
created in the body by the food F".
is eaten. It is a filth disease, and its
prevention is accompli hed by keen
ing the digestive tract thoroughly
drained of its accumulations.
Continuing the Doctor says: “What
we should do then, if we would avoid
It’a That Time O’Year
Perkins: “Say—What’s the matter
j with Bill Timpkins these days?”
Johnson: “Didn’t you hear? He was
| stung by a rattler."
Perkins: “Migosh—a rattlesnake.”
! Johnson: “No. Used Car.”
li>- Business Judgment
A man who had imbibed freely—but
not wisely, staggered into a woman’s
exchange and stood swaying while the
matr >n in charge came forward to
serve him.
“Is ’ish Woman’s ’Xchange?” he
i asked, squinting one eye and looking
i her over.
“Yes,” she replied, “Is there some
tiling 1 c n do for you?”
“And ish you th’ woman?” he
asked.
“Ye yes,” she said.
“ ’Zen 1 guess I'll keep Mary,” he
s: id, turning to stagger from the
place.
Yes, Yes, Indeed
Knutt “Do you know that seven
i teen thousand twelve hundred and
eighty-two elephants were needed to
! e ' e billiard balls last year.”
Dum Dan—“My, oh my—and isn’t
t wonderful that su<h big beasts can
be taught such exacting work?”
And He Meant It.
“Is my wife forward?” asked the
middle-aged man of the conductor
who entered the club car on the Pen
ney Limited.
“.She wasn’t to me, Sir,” politely re
plied the conductor.
First Aid Inefficiency
It was at the scene of an -automo
bile accident'; an elderly old lady in
one of the first cars to be stopped by ;
the debris of the smash-up, leaned
from Her car as a very much battered
up man, with a hastily arranged band
age around his ankle, hobbled by.
“Oh my,” she said, “Did you hurt
your ankle?”
“No, lady,” replied the man, “I lost!
both eyes. This bandage slipped
down.”
Yes—Oh, Yes
“I went down to Atlantic City the
other week—and oh, boy—you should
. ee the Volstead llathing girls there.”
4
“Watchman, Volstead bathing
girls?”
“They’re 100 per cent dry.”
Then He Shol Her
Critic—“ Ah-h—the plot thickens.”
She “A stirring scene —don’t you
think?”
Pack *o the Office
Ross—'“No one can sit quiet and
produce profits.”
Easy Mike—“l don’t know soir—
how about the hen?”
One Better
Giddy Gal—“We have a wooden-'
legged man in our town.”
Kidder—“ That’s nothing—a June
bride up in our town has a cedar
chest.”
Blonde Bes Opines
“The lips that touch liquor shall
never touch mine—because I’ve got,
the cellar locked up.”
——
Year For Good Behavior.
Willie Miller’s boy, Sam, who has
been serving a five year sentence for
pig stealin’, got a year off for good ■
behavior, and I was just remarkin’ j
what a comfort it must be to raise a
- boy like that.”—Ex.
cancer, is to eat whole-wheat bread
and raw fruits, and vegetables, shun
ning all meat, first that we may be
better nourished, second that w r e may
more easily eliminate waste products
and thus adequately drain the house
iin which our cells live. Whoever
j foregoes white bread will perform a
j great service for himself. It is dead-
i i y ” .
; It is a difficult task to change the
food habits of a nation or to induce
the people to take sufficient exercise
each day. Sir Arbuthnot says, how
ever, that “whoever will correct his
diet to a reasonable extent, take reas
onable exercise and keep his digestive
tract absolutely clean, need have no
fear of cancer.”
|
I Four sides of almost any hexagonal
nut can be gripped with a new adjust
able, cl'-. ed er/.r wrench.
Experimenters in New South Wale:
are trying u> develop a t- pe of flax
that will resist drought.
For touring motorists there h -
been invented a bath tub t be set. in
1 -o he floor of a car and covered with
a lid when idle.
Neils for packing cases have beer
invented in Europe that have spiral
grooves in their sides to hold them in
wood effectively.
TJ-TE ZEBULON RECORD, HU DAY, JULY 3, 1925
——i iMwrmi* m > mmmm r • - ■ ■. i *
’ Critics Tca\s bcuc
• Vu.j CfpCddl I'tlliSli
Sir Jolm-i .i '.'oil*? -V. berfiv-n ha
taken occasion ;<» eririci/.e --ur c*>u:<*n.
; r.u’.v fashions in pronunciation,
the L«>nd< n Daily 'XVlcgrupli.
Like lie t of those who ;.re niattor.
o r a subject, he has no filling for . %
pedants and purists. Kir John:ton pie
sere the familiar round of “often”
wuhint; the “t," and our usual “.tg»-ti”
to the precision oi “again.” A Ion;
vowel sound in the “my” of "my hu .is'
he considers an invention of the mod
ern public sj,"itf'er— who Is perhaps
imlj.iting the linked sv.eeire !••?,-
drawn out of the modern toastmaster
—and he calls it “perfectly iutnler
able.”
If we go bad; earlier than tin* Nine
teenth century we fail into manifold
(rouble. Johnston, who print'd him
seif' on his coirectitiide, always said
"hoerd” for “heaid.” ns the illiterate
do still. When Bos a ell challenged him
tie had, to he sure, a react). If the
word v.ere pronounced in the usual
way, he explained, there would be at
exception to the rule ns to ti e pro
ntmeiafion of "ear," and lie “I!.ought It
better not to have that exception.”
But wo may sm i-t tin* the re, - m
was involved utter he found hiimelf
'•riticfzed d that he was in fact fol
lowing the common Lichfield promtncl
atlon.
Creatures Tkct Lien
Is Unable to Tcim-:
A wolf can he trim. d. Even ihe hi ;
Ravage timber wolf, if caught young,
heroines as passive a:: a (!• g. But that
'incur wolf-like animal known as the
Tasmanian devil refines to tvs] nd to
treatment. It is always wild and sav
ip’, and usually dies if kept In cap
tivity. It is one or' the ugliest urea
tires alive. The great rais. such us
the 1 i'■ 11 and tiger, can he taaud; ;o
cun the South African i.vn.x and the
South American panther.
But the black jaguar, one (if the most
dangerous of wild heasts, always re
main- savage and treacherous, and
even v hen caught as a kitten refuses
to have anything to do with mankind. ,
The ordinary leopard can he tamed if
caught young enough, but is liable to
revert suddenly to savagery, and the
same may he said of the bobcat, the
North American lynx.
Another North American animal I
which ims tin evil reputation is the i
wolverene. It is dreaded by the trap
per, for it will force its way into a
,s'iuaty and destroy t lie stores.
Beethoven’s Triumph
One of tlie most pathetic cases of
deafness was that of Beethoven. Why
should it have happened' that lie who
lived supremely in the world of sound,
tile very breath of whose life was
aside up of sweet chords and entranc- l
:ng melody, should have been deprived ,
of tiie sense of hearing? Unconscious
even of the storm of applause evoked
by his playing, lie was on one occasion
turned round by a singer that he might
see the waving huts and handkerchiefs
of his enthusiastic audience. Yet the
victory of mind over matter was clear
ly evidenced in the ease of Beethoven,
fir some of his most sublime composi
tions were created after ids sense o*
hearing was hopelessly destroyed and I
tlie world heard with delight the ex
quisite harmony that only in imagina
tion could enter his own somber reulus
of silence. —Exchange.
Lou) Country
Some flat lands are beautiful, though
Buskin says not —tlie'flatness of Hol
land. where a barge with rich red
color seems to come sailing into tlie
flowering fields; where a windmill or a
dyke takes all tlie wind of the huge
sky; where brimming rivers are pearl
gray, and the roofs of the close little
towns are red, and tlie lucid horizon !
line is broken by, instead of moan- j
tains, such tilings as a cow feeding ;
or a broad-breasted woman towing a j
barge, from the clean deck of which a I
child sings, a little dog barks.—Alice !
MeynelL
Lcertg Hours of Toil
A century ago (or in tlie so-called
good old days) Amasa Whitney op- j
era ted a factory in Winchester. Mass.,
and, according to the American Out
look, he had sixteen rules and regain- ]
lions, the tirst of which was: “The
mill will be put in operation ten min
utes before sunrise at nil seasons of
the year. The gates will be shut ten
minutes past sunset from the 20th of
March to the 20th of September; at
thirty minutes past eight from tlie
EOtli of September to the 20th of
March ; Saturday at sunset.”
Good Business Idea
It was before tlie day of tin lizzies, j
*nd one Kentucky merchant sold lots j
of buggy harness to farmers woo paid j
ap once a year.
One day his clerk sold a set of buggy
harness and did not p liarge it p -ompt
ly. When ho did start to charge the
harness lie had forgotten to whom to
charge it.
“Charge every man on the books with ;
1 set of harness and when they raise |
t kick, lake the harness from their ac
count,” the boss told him.
There were 180 names on the books, !
end but two kicked. —Good Hardware,-)
Question?
“I say, doctor, did you ever do-toi
another doctor?*
“Oh. ”
“Woli, ices i doctor doctof ? doe
lor ;be ' y do to ed doctor wants ‘
o be dci : > ■ il, or doc-; the <lo>do
ing the l.ictoring doctor the s'dtt
j- *-). e ids >wa way?”
Court Yells i’.-0.-ier fco
Relink acii Daughter
New York. Mrs. draco (Jillin, f2li
Flatbuli avenue, Brooklyn, promise-,
in Fluthusli poiico court to rdinqu.sii
•all claim to tier daughter, Alary, aged
eighteen, and was released on sus
pended senieiiee on a charge of di-s
--ordi rly conduct, which had been
brought against her by Mrs. Agnes
O'Malley N.e tzker. 2' > Regent place,
t to whom Mary (lillin is secretary uuu
companion.
Alary (liliin, it wu explain U, had
been talon from an orphan asylum by
Mrs. Naetzkor's mother, whost* home
was in Kew <Ju. I as, and hccuim*
greatly attached to the daughter oi
her benefactress. After !u*r marriage.
Mrs. Nael/.ker had Uie girl share her
home.
Airs. Gi!!in, it was said, called at
Mrs. Naetzkor’s home and been me )'•' ••
threatening that tier daughter ro
turned to her to prevent recurrence of
such a scene. Miss (lillin said, how
ever, that In r mot tier got drunk and
aim -i d her, and siie lied at last to
: Mrs. Naetzkor's home.
Mrs. (liliin called there, it was said,
and was so menacing in speech and
demeanor that Mrs. Naetzker ran out
on tiie lire escape and called for help.
A policeman arrested Mrs. (lillin.
Ugly Looking Towns
Try Beauty Methods
Washington.—Beauty is overtaking
th drub American village, according
to observations of the Department of
Agriculture in a current study of vil
lage planning and its benefits.
Although nearly ms 'o,o u persons
live in American villages and a fann
ing population of “(UMM.OOO largely de
pends upon them for business, educa
tional and social purposes, ihe depart
ment found they arc “usually unattrac
tive ahd often very ugly.” suffering by
comparison in this respect with those
of other countries. The start that is
being made toward improvement and
beautification lias proved in every
ease, it was said, a material asset as
tt-eil as an esthetic one.
Pointing out that, “as tlie farmer’s j
chief point of contact with outside 1
interests, Uie village can make a big i
contribution to the happiness of farm j
life.” the department asserted that an j
attractive village with good streets j
and convenient approaches and recre
ation spats was “an important influ
ence in stabilizing farm life and conn
teraeting the attractions of the cities j
for tlie young people of tlie farm.”
Curiosity Seekers Impede
Work of Archeologists
Santa Barbara, Cal. —Pits excavated
by archeologists near here in tlie site
of wliat they assert they believe was
the earliest human habitations on
North America have been trampled by :
curiosity seekers until operations of j
the archeologists must be transferred
to other places. Tlie archeologists, in
tiie employ of tlie Santa Barbara Mu
seum of Natural History, believe they
are finding art facts indicating this
vicinity was settled by Alongol tribes
before the time of the Indians. Twen
ty skulls, a quantity of skeletal re- j
mains and numerous stone implements I
have been removed from tiie excava
tion to the museum.
Freaks of Lightning
It is frequently said that lightning
never strikes twice in th * same place.
This is not so. Only- a few days ago
two houses near Brentwood, Essex,
England, were struck for tlie second
time within a few months.
Air. W. Larkins, tlie well-known
steeplejack, was once called upon to
repair a house in Sussex that had ac
tually been struck by lightning on
three separate occasions.
He found, on investigation, that the
building stood on a subsoil of iron
stone, such as is found in many parts
of the weald of Sussex. This sub
stance is, of course, a splendid con
ductor of electricity. Hence the par
tiality of the lightning for the Viouso
in question.
FOR DEPENDABLE |
MERCHANDISE
Q A TISK Y’S i
bsj 1 jlsL JL JL wj JTk, it kJ
pi
Department Store ij
fIPDFRFFI LSTWM All..
v-vi
,1.-1
i.. jf .. j _ j
POE SAYS OUTLOOK
FOR STATE is BRIGHT
A special from Asheville says;—The
general business and agricultural out
look in the State is good although
Spring was slightly backward, but
the people as a whole have great
hopes, declared Dr. Clarence Poe, of
Raleigh, editor of the Progressive
Funner and president of the Progres
sive Farmer Company, who is in the
city for a business meeting with as
To My Friends anl Farmers
cf this Ct mmun ly:
This is to notify one and ail that I an? no longer
connected with the Co-operative Tobacco Associa
tion, arid- therefore i apncai ■ o each and every one to
• rre to Z( ,('■-;J'Ti and bring his tobocco to the CEN
TER BRICK WAREHOUSE, where you will find J.
A. Wells and myself ready at ail times to work for
your interest.
There v ill be many question asked why l am not
;lh the < >operative As ork tion. I hove many and
’\di : caso:*s for ru t br'jy\ connected w ith the As
. nods '.ion the coming year.
I be.vc just ~ : Norfolk, where J
attends sj a meeting of T tacco Association of
■ e Ur. 'fed States, winch rati Jure 25, 2fi and 27th,
end have »./?>: n assured by H e Old Line Companies
and many Independent buyers that Zebulon will
have a Cud representative of these companies on Cue
Zebulon market this season.
We will have practically a new set o? buyers,
Representing the Old Line Companies and many in
dependent buyers.
I want to thank all my old friends for past fa
vors ami a appieciate any thing they can do for
me in the coming season.
My sixteen years’ experience in the tobacco Etna
Qualifies me to give you ah value receive.
Mr. J. A. Wells, as you all know, has been con
nected for about 15 years on the Auction fioors of
tn.L market, and he and myself both can be counted
on to do our best to get you the best price for your
tobacco. You will find us both at CENTER BRICK
WAREHOUSE when the season opens, ready to do
our part for you.
If you will give us a chance at your tobacco, we
will please you in every way. If we fail to please
you, tell us; not your friends.
Yours for good prices this year,
R. M. SANFORD.
Wanted""
Everybody in Zebulon and
vicinity to bring their
weak or run-down Battery
GRIFFIN IbATTERY COMPANY
for Rebuilding and Recharging
Griffin Battery Co.
sociates. P
Dr. Pot’ is eccpinpunied >y h:s non?,
Charles Aycock’Poc and William D.
Poe. They are guests at the Manor.
A. W. MeAlliX.’r, of Greensboro,
president of the .dot Life Insurance
Company, also accompanied Dr. Poe
to Asheville and wil remain for about
ten days. Dr. Poe and his sons will
be here for several days.
'
Devoe Paints and Var
nishes, at Massey Bros.