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THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE UNIVERSITY ATHLETIC ASSOCIATION.
Vol. 3. UNIVERSITY OF NORTH CAROLINA, CHAPEL HILL, N. C.,' FEBRUARY, 7,1895. No. 17
ON PROFESSORS.
A Study in Natural History
A professor is an animal of the
o-enus homo, who generally wears
o-lasses and lies in wait in his den,
mllprt a class room, armed witn a
roll book and pencil, for other smal
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ler animals canea stuaenrs wno
may enter unprepared and whom he
delights to annihilate by his superi
or knowledge, and then gloat with
ghoulish glee over the few small re
mains left after a zero. You must
not imagine from this though that
the animal gtnus homo, species rt
fessor is carnivorous; far from it,
for indeed most of them look as if
they did not eat ordinary food at
all, though one can immagine Prof.
dining" on Soupc a la hyper bo-
loid of 'revolution of one nappe fol
lowed by a light dinner of droit
ligne. fricassee and of roast of young
parabolas with circles and ellipses
for dessert. Prof. no doubt
enjoys a feast on Kant's Kritik der
reinen Ver tings t and Dr. on
Beowulf 'in the original and perhaps
some of the sharp pointed, crabbed
looking Ansdo-Saxon letters have
C3
gotten tangled up inside of him
which may account for many things.
Of course no one ever saw a profes
sor eating all these things, but then
most of them say they have dyspep
sia and eat very little when any-
bodv is around: and I'll bet that
same dyspepsia was caused by over
indulgence in those same unnatural
articles of diet.
These professors commonly revel
in communities ruled by a president
or dean, where they gather unto
themselves crowds of those wishing
to get knowledge and also of those
who want to have a good time, and
then they hold lectures and get paid
a fat salary and are happy.
There are people though who say
that a professor is only worth
about a dollar and a half a day, but
these people are outer barbarians
and children of the nether darkness
and Populists who have made their
mark in state politics, not knowing
how to write, and so we'll let that
pass and proceed with our study of
the life and habits of the professor.
A professor is by nature the
avowed enemy of the school-boy,
and nature tells on them early. So
much so that if you are watching a
party of little boys at play and you
see one of them always fighting the
others and cribbing- their marbles
and tops and keeping the whole
crowd in an upstir with his devil
ment, you may just say to yourself
that that boy is going to be either a
preacher or a teacher and if he is
extra mean he will combine the two,
and then he will be baldheaded and
thf boys will make fun of him and
he'll wish he was Elijah so the
bears would come and . eat those
naughty little boys.
Still professors are very useful in
this way; tor were it not for them
we would nt know how to get a co
herent homogeneous heterogeneity
from an incoherent heterogeneous
homogeneity, resulting- in barren
prolixities of casuistry, or derive
hard philological facts like the der
lvation of Moses from Methusaleh,
or how long it would take a body
to fall an infinite distance supposing
that its velocity is infinitely great,
or all those other useful and inter
esting things that they teach us.
Professors have a habit of assem
bling in clubs such as the Philolog
ical Club and the Mitchell Society
and the Historical Society and hit
ting each other over the head with
all the hard words in all the laugua-g-es
or telling stories about snakes
charming birds and explaining why
a pine tree can't grow from an
acorn, or the part played by the In
dian chief "Youner-man-hard-to-
catch" in the French war when he
found a jewsharp in some settler's
cabin and started to play a tune on
it; and while .they are discussing
all' 'those valuable items of human
knowledge their eyes begin to glis
ten and their tong-ues to wag, and
everybody talks at once, and then
ther go home and tell their wives
what an edifying- meeting it was
and what a big fool so-and-so is any
way and then goes to sleep per
fectly happy.
The professor sometimes attains
a ripe old ag-e, possibly because on
ly the good die young-, and some
times he develops the habit of tell
ing- off -color stories about king's and
queens and wonderful tales of what
haDDened when he was a boy or
spinning- marvellous yarns of how
big- a pleiosaurus multiplied by sev
en elephants was when the world
was young and the professor was
one of the little snakes and saw it
all and remembered it- -or how else
could he know it? The snake is
proverbially the wisest, of animals,
and it would be an interesting study
for some one who is "an evolutionist
from the word go" to trace their
development through the ag-es and
find out how and when they lost
their feathers, for some protes-
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sors were uouDuess uiras
when they were voungr, and how fi-
nally they became differentiated
through force of environment from
the rest of the genus homo.
The professor g-enerally appears
about eight "thirty in the morning
and lies there in' wait for his prey
until one thirty when he withdraws
until the same hour the next morn
ing- and his whereabouts or actions
in the meantime have long- been sa
much a mystery as those of the jag-
bird on Frida7, but the current be
lief is that he has retired to his
abiding place and is there concoct
ing- fresh snares for the feet of those
unwary ones who enter into his
presence unprepared with a certain
small amount of knowledge, which
may be real in some cases, pretend
ed in others, according" to the char
acter of the professor.
These animals are sometimes ex
hibited, though as a rule they are
wary and hard to catch, but an in
fallible means of securing the at
tendance of all those in the immedi
ate neighborhood, is to cause it to
be announced to them that certain
students have been caught on a jag
and that on Friday evening" , they
will be on exhibition at the Presi
dent's office, and straightway every
one wends his way thither and these
assemblages are called faculty
meetings. Fiat justitia mat pro-
fessores, and then they solemnly
and gravely deliberate on their fate
and in what new sort of pledges
thev can e-et the rest of the stu-
dents'. fo sign if they are not
to be expelled, and this is another
interesting trait of these animals,
willing that many should suffer to
serve the one.
These animals are cunning and
crafty too as is shown by the fact
that if one of them is met outside of
the class room he is uniformly geni
al, kindly and courteous of disposi
tion.
The Glee Club Tour.
The First Trip of the Season Very
Pleasant.
The 'Varsity Glee, Mandolin and
Banjo Clubs, began their first tour
for the season of 1895, on Wednes
day morning, January 30th at 6:30
A. M. This was intended as a pre
paratory trip to a larger one to be
taken shortly. Managers Bahnson
and Webb had all f he members of
the clubs out of bed by 5:30 o'clock
and an hour later they had set out
in a driving snow storm on a twelve
mile ride to Durham. The journey
across the country was a rough one
in the extreme, and it wasproviden-
ial that none were made sick
by it, but all bore it well and Dur-
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ham was reacnea on time, wnere
he Southern Railway train was
boarded for Oxford. After chang-
ing cars at tne last namea place,
Henderson and Franklinton, Lou-
jsburg was reached at 3 o'clock in
on the night of the 30th- being the
first given away from home, was
not up to the standard, yet the au
dience was quite large. The people
of Louisburg were very cordial in
their reception, and the visit was as
pleasant as could be. Our hearty
thanks are due Mr. F. S. Spruill,
'81-'83, and Hon. C. M. Cooke,
father of F. N. Cooke, ex'96, of the
'93 and '94 Glee Clubs, for the hos
pitable entertainment of some of the
boys.
The next appearance was in Hen
derson under the auspices of the Y.
M. C." A. which provided entertain
ment for the Clubs. The concert
was given in the Association Audi
torium, and, after the experience of
the preceding evening, was prob
able, the best of the three given.
And the audience seemed to appre
ciate the effort most, for they en
cored about every piece on the pro
gram. There was dancing for a
short while after the concert.
The last concert of the trip was
made in'Oxford at the Opera House.
There the largest audience of
ill, and a very appreciative one,
greeted the Clubs, and another
good concert was given. Encores
were given to almost every piece,
but. in the last half of the program
they had to be refused owing to the
fact that the hall was very poorly
heated. In the audience were
young ladies from the Oxford Fe
male Seminary and Cadets from
Horner School. An impromtu but
very enjoyable German was given
the Clubs in the Armory Hall, and
dancing was the order until a late
hour.
Considering the very inclement
weather every where encountered,
the trip was successful in all re
spects. Many pleasant acquaint
ances were made, which will make
the visits memorable to the mem
bers of the Clubs. Grateful thanks
are heryeby given to the alumni and
the friends of the University in
Henderson and Oxford forthehos- ,
pitable treatment. Credit should
not fail to be given J. Crawford
Biggs, '93, for valuable assistance
in working up the Oxford concert.
The Clubs returned to the liiJl
on Saturday night, the 2nd, by way
of Henderson and Durham.
the afternoon. The concert there ' from our professor,
The people of Salisbury have ex
tended to Dr. Hume another invitation
to visit them. On this occasion Dr.
Hume will lecture twice and preach
three sermons besides. He will lec
ture the first time on "The Historical
Plays of Shakspere," and a second
lecture will be on "Oliver Wendell
Holmes." In this trip the citizens
of Salisbury demand not only an in
tellectual, but also a spiritual ireai
f
J editors of the Tak Hekl.
J present. Raleigh Evening Yimcr. "
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