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Serving Civilian and Military Students at UNC VOLUME 1,11 SW Business and Circulation : 8641 CHAPEL HILL, N. C, SATURDAY, APRIL 1, 1944 Editorial: F-3141, News: F-3146, F-3147 NUMBER SW 26 enate ; And .ikMr Council 0(D. nciler JiFial Of Mam Ac aware P OF "jAr "r "At c -" - Tl J Cferl Suavely Old Cleat Cleaner Returns to Teach And Get Diploma By Stanley Colbert (Exclusive to Tar Heel) It was authoritatively announced by Coach Fetzer this evening that Carl Snavely, associated with- rumors of football, has accepted a position as la crosse coach, and as a teaching fellow in the School of Arts and Sciences. This press release came as a surprise to the many people who had linked Snavely with such positions as Foot ball Coach; assistant to Bunn Hearn; V-12 enrollee and bus boy in the Gra ham Grill. Salary $13.50 - r Snavely will arrive in Carolina some time 'next week to start work on his squad. It has not been authoritatively reported, but rumors have it that his weekly salary will be $13.50, and profits from all the peanuts that he can sell at the games. Snavely has had an enviable record at Carolina. Coach of three champion ship football teams, and manager of four chess teams are just a few of his laurels. Cleat Cleaner Snavely canfe to Carolina at the age of thirteen, where he started as water boy for the Tar Heels. Under the tu torage of Dick Jamerson, the head foot ball coach at that time, Snavely ad vanced to the rank of chief water boy, in charge of cleaning cleats. After this, advancement was easy. He worked his way up first manager and finally coach. Snavely will certainly be glad to re turn to Carolina in any position. His time was so taken up with sports, that he forgot to get one of the most impor tant things at Carolina a diploma. Jive Tonight By Ben Swalin The great, unrenounced director of the North Carolina State Symphony Orchestra, Dr. Benjamin Swalin, in an effort to compensate for the dance cut and to aid the average student in his appreciation of good music will bring his band to the campus tonight. Students can primp and preen with Ben Swalin at the Grail dance in the gym from 9 o'clock until 12 this even ing. Many of the specialty numbers to be played throughout the evening are old favorites of Carolina music lovers. That beloved jitterbug piece, "The Musicus goeth A Round" will be play ed at intermission. Tschaikowsky's "Fifth Commercial for Piano and Or chestra," Debussy's -"D'Apres Midi D'une Coed," and Borodin's "On the Steppes of Central South Building" have been requested as waltz numbers. All students are invited to come to Woollen Gymnasium and get on the beam with Benjie Swalin. Afternoon Sessions As Groves Invites Dr Ernest R. Groves, head of the marriage department at Carolina, an nounced yesterday that afternoon labs would be conducted in the Arboretum during spring quarter. ' The labs held during the afternoon will be supervised, but independent re search in the field of study done on the side may be substituted for credit if students so desire. If students engage in outside research, however, they will be expected to submit 500 word papers dscribing the findings of their inves tigations. At present registration for the course has reached a total of 743 girls. Other coeds on campus not enrolled are Playmakers and don't need it. According to his usual practices Dr. Groves has divided the class into pas Miss Mary Woo Bustlow is pictured above as chief witness in the coed senate questioned by prosecuting attorney Scurvy Hamilton and eyed by the V-12 jury. from the fall elections. The same goes for the spittoon. i ASH Puzzle TBaffleGaiiMS Tracjs As Intensive Search Nets Few Clues By W. H. Hipps, Jr. Few of thousands on this campus know the true facts behind a certain mystery which the chief investigator of. the foremost opponent of crime, the Tar Heel, has been attempting to solve by diligently searching for the elusive trail of the vanished Carolinians: the ASTP. . Though the best campus detectiwes took the finest-toothed combs and thoroughly raked the arboretum with the hair-tools, all the intensive search realized them was 200 lipstick-stained cigarette butts. Numerous and original disguises were used in an effort to discover the whereabouts of the vanishing Ameri cans: the ASTP. Co-eds reported that a man, posing as a vacuum cleaner salesman, made his way through each co-ed residence on campus and fright ened the poor little weaklings to death. (One of these pseudo-salesmen has a dent the size of an ostrich egg on his head which testifies to the weakness of the truly called weaker sex.) Another novel approach was that of the Fuller Brush salesman who re ported that the co-eds have a vast, al most unlimited supply of Traveling Salesman stories encased in their cra niums. When asked if he had found any trace of the ASTP, he replied, "No, but did I have fun!" Even faculty members are agog over of Marriage Class Planned For Spring Famous Guest Speakers To Carolina sive listeners and active contributors. Both groups must have, Dr. Groves em phasized, the scientific spirit of ex ploration and investigation and com plete disregard of person in accord ance with the high objectives set for the course. Case Histories Each student is asked to bring to the first meeting of the afternon class, case histories, real or imaginary, for home work. ' Throughout the course, Dr. Groves announced, guest lecturers will visit the afternoon session. First speaker will be Tommy Manville, whose sub ject of discussion is "The Problems of Taming a Shrew." The next visiting professor will be Errol Flynn, who will speak on "Yachting as a Hobby and Coach - the mystifying phenomenon of the unit's unusual departure. (Never be fore in the history of the University have so many men left with so little trace.) One highup in the war college opined that he had heard from a little blond bird who said her uniformed mate had told her that the ASTP would "soon be leaving for parts unknown, due to outside forces." It is believed by usually reliable sources that these out side forces were going to use the un fortunate members of the ASTP to further their own selfish gains. The Tar Heel private flatfoots said they even tried to track the captors by their footprints on the walk and even by using technique learned from reading that most educational of all comic strips: Tarzan. Using this plan or method of tracking down 'criminals, the follower trails his quarry by closely adhering to the path left by grass blades crushed by the quarry's boots. (He would have to use boots to wade through the sea of mud which the saliva of Jupiter Pluvius has forced upon us from the sky.) But, they report, and we quote: "How can we utilize the Tarzan method when there is not one blade of grass to be seen?" Another hopeful Tar Heel investi gator, disguised himself as an enthu siastic football fan mistakenly out in Kenan Stadium too early for spring Expenses Involved." Charlie Chaplin, the third lecturer, will make a highly scientific talk on "Interstate Com merce" and the final speaker, William Lonergan, will speak on "Candlelight and Wine." Term papers will be required for the course, Dr. Groves announced, with field work rather than library research as source material. "In this course I try to stress primary rather than sec ondary sources," said Groves. On the day of exam Dr. Groves plans to have mass wedding ceremonies for those of his pupils who are interested. Cut rate wedding licenses will be avail able the week preceding exams. To those who fail the course free tickets to the Barry Success school will be given free for consolation. and honor council trial. She is being The campaign banners were left over ' . practice and covered the stadium like an ancient gladiator, but found nothing except a few impressions in the rain softened earth. Battle Park, too, was covered not only with last fall's now rotten leaves, but with the best mystery-solvers on campus, but even that man who knows all, sees all, tells some, the author of "Incredible World," freely confessed, after being beaten with the rubber hose (who's got nylons?) of the co-eds that he knew nothing. (Unofficial sources say they suspect he is telling the truth.) In an effort to get to the bottom of this latest inexplicable and profound mystery, the Publications Union Board has agreed to authorize the Tar Heel to pay anyone having information leading to or about the present where abouts of the ASTP, the staggering sum of $5,000,000. Are we kidding? Look at the calen dar today. Sound And Fury Brings Right Rev. Ghoul To UNC As Religious Emphasis Speaker Religious Emphasis or Anti-Prof an- ! ity Week, beginning April 1, will be directed by Sound and Fury, a campus organization which has done extensive work in the past toward the moral and spiritual up-lift of the student body. Last fall, Sound and Fury presented a religious pageant "Gadabout" writ ten and directed by students on campus. Mary-Louise Boose, who will direct the prayers and Bible lessons through out the week, announced, "Sound and Fury hopes to reveal the facts of a goocj life by employing visual as well as auditory instruction. We are very fortunate to have that great teacher and preacher, Right Reverend Hairy Ghoul, DT, OS, BVP, leading the pro gram." Purple Heart . He recently returned from the West Coast where he was awarded MGM's Purple Heart for his missionary work among the chorus girls. He was wounded in action. Reverend Ghoul has a distinguished record of service. A graduate of Licker Hole High School in West Virginia, he received top honors in public speaking and hog calling, a prize for the best anatomical drawings, and a degree in At a call meeting of the legislature last night the student council re vealed a dastardly coed plot to abolish men at Carolina and demanded a thorough questioning of coed big wigs. The plans were uncovered when members of the men's council were rum maging through the women's honor council and senate files for a bottle opener. They discovered the cleverly concealed blueprints for the coed attack on the freedom of men in an empty Haig & Haig bottle, evidence held over from their last trial. Root of All Evil "Men are the "root of all evil," said Senate Speaker Mary Woo Bustlow when questioned last night. "Our plans were formulated for the defense of the Carolina coed, who for years has been taken advantage of. It is imperative for the good of Carolina womanhood that all men be abolished from the University." The revolutionary plans had been worked out with infinite care. Time bombs were scheduled to explode this morning in the student council room, Carr, Steele and all V-12 dorms and houses. The pre-flight school, however, was to go unmolested because coed politicos considered cadets "harmless." Political Upheaval While Dr. Frank Hareni was in Washington the coed senate and honor council planned a political coup d'etat. Mrs. M. H. Racy, the present dean of Carolina womankind, was to be installed as dictator of University affairs, with Mitzi Buice as minister of propaganda, Kat Still as comptroller, Lib Huntem as minister of foreign relations, Muriel Downchureh as secretary of labor, and Dot Spool as secretary of the interior. When notified by telephone of the attempted overthrow President Harem stated, "While the cat's away the mice will play. Order a new dean of women immediately and give the coeds late permission until two o'clock every night during spring quarter. That will satisfy them." In the Courtroom Evidence for the plaintiff was presented during the trial by acting student body head Jerk Newsome. Prosecuting attorney for the state was Scurvy Hamilton, chief witness for the defense was Miss Bustlow. The jury con sisted of the V-12 and civilian male representatives to the student legislature. "What were your motives for abolishing men from Carolina," was the first question fired at defendant Bustlow. "The coed senate and honor council wanted to alleviate women suffering," she snapped. "What did you plan to do with the Carolina gentlemen," queried Hamilton hopefully. "They were to be kept in the girls' dormitories under close super vision, the defendant explained. "Since the coeds have to be in at 10:30 on weeknights, at 1:00 on Fridays and Saturdays and midnight on Sundays, all men should follow the same routine. That's all I have to say. Would you mind excusing me.' I have a :iate" ; . x ' - "T.' ...... " "Step down," said the prosecuting attorney, and the witness took her seat with four rows of commerce majors. ' No Legal Right "Point of information," cried a voice from the back of the courtroom. "Miss Still," recognized Judge Bob Surleigh with a wink. "I am not speaking as editor of the Bar Heel," Miss Still informed the assembly, but as a member of the student body. The men's honor council had no legal right to search the WGA room for a bottle opener, even though they strongly suspicioned the presence of one. According to the Dean of Men, President Graham, Governor Broughton, Billy Carmichael, L. B. Rogerson, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Harpo Marx and General Douglas MacArthur they had no legal right to search that room without a warrant." A hand shot into the air, "Mr. Van Pecke," said the Judge. "I have a complaint to make," said Van Pecke. I don't object to the coed plot, the way evidence was accidentally obtained by the men's honor council, or any ways or means. But I do object to the use to which those coeds put that liquor bottle. To my mind such an act could only be termed a sacrilege. Females who use a liquor bottle for such low means should by all means be condemned." State Rests Its Case "I wish to suggest that such audacity, such pre-meditated usurpation of power not go unpunished," said Attorney Scurvy Hamilton. "The state rests its case." . ' "The chair finds you guilty," said the Judge, grinning evilly. "Stand up so I can see you better and receive the verdict. I hereby sentence the women's honor council and senate to turn in all their liquor ration books. These books will be auctioned off the day before elections. Money received will be used to buy beer for defeated candidates and campaign managers. All coed officials involved in the case must report to c.c. (conduct corrective) lab every afteroon in my office in Graham Memorial. Case dismissed." mmmmmm f (Hi GHOUL diplomacy. Rev. Hairy Ghoul's lectures will be held at 7 o'clock every evening under the big revival tent erected in Kenan Stadium. The theme of the week will be "The Campus Code" and Rev. Ghoul's talks will fall under this main head. His topics will be: "The Carolina Gentleman Past, Present and Imperfect." "Graham Memorial, Den of Iniquity." "It Ain't What You Do." "The Confederate Soldier, Will He Shoot Again?" "Parking Leads to Sparking." "Setting Leads to Petting." "Bring Your Blankets Home." Miss Joen Kosburg, a graduate of N. C. and now teaching in the Carr- boro Elementary School, will direct the Munitions Plant Glee Club. Miss Kos burg was outstanding in her great ef forts for the YMCA, as assistant to Mrs. Cobb in Alderman, and as night watchman at Graham Memorial. A tireless worker and devotee of Brother Ghoul, Miss Kosburg will present a program consisting of such well known hymns as "The Daring Young Girl Try ing Strip Tease," "Steal Away to Dan ville," "In the Garden," and "Jesus Want3 You for a Sunbeam." Brother Goldbury, well handcuffed, will take up any donations. He in formed the Tar Heel reporter that "Cash is preferred, though groceries and liquor ration coupons will be ac ceptable. ,
Daily Tar Heel (Chapel Hill, N.C.)
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April 1, 1944, edition 1
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