y
PAGE TWO
THE DAILY TAR HEEL
'WowV Or Good
Will Joward Men?
1
.Modern 'Christmas lias gained- numerous
stages, but we find one for 1935 that seems
almost ' to ,-Jiave overshadowed "peace on
earth, good will toward men". It goes:
"Wowr
That rather abbreviated sentiment Ave
found recently in a newspaper column by
economist Sylvia Porter; it referred to the
fact that consumer buying will hit an unheard-of
high this Yule season.
And this economic fact, right now at least,
seems on the verge of edging out some of the
other Christmas values we recall.
Actually, aside from the recorded blare of.
carols, and colored lights, we find very little
of the so-called season's spirit about us. Per
haps it will come. " . '
Hut for the present, apparently, we must
be content with flaming ice cream snowballs,
free gift wrapping, a bright card or so that re
minds us of friends, and some hopes that-
have become difficult to express because Ave
have sloganized them into cliches.
We might, in other days, turn to the Holy
Lind, with hope that a return to the scene
might renew the values, of the season, but it.
too, is restive, combustable these days. And
the wise men among our statesmen, by the
bare emergency of the matter, have to be
concerned with 'border raids and angry Arabs
and Jews, not Christmas meaning.
At home, there is restlessness, too. The
President's smile and the smile of this mater
ia prosperity Ave enjoy are beginning to
crease with, signs of wear. Surely, we've never
had it so good. But somehow much of that
which is "good" materially is not so good in
other Avays, Avays of the heart.
In all, there is a growing lack of faith
about us lack of faith in the inherent good
Avill of most men and in the inner peace
which accompanies that good will. .
The American picture this Christmas is
rTt all drab and faithless v though. Those
policy-makers who' granted to needy nations
generous food supplies from the U. S. farm
.surplus, the philanthropy of a Ford, accept
ance by the United Nations of 16 new mem-,
hers, -and the basic faith that. underlies even
the most mouthed Christmas cliche remain
with us.
We have hope. .nd, although the econom-
rreiuaice
" Josf Plain ,
If you thought that the foibles
and absurdities of a commercial
ized holiday had been fully ex
ploited, you're wrong, Christmas
has been caled Xmas, Merchant
mas, and several other names,
but as far as I know, no one has
jret called it Glassmas, and all
you need io do is look through
the holiday issues of a few popu
lar magazines, and you'll see
what I mean.
The Glassblowers of Ameri
ca and The National Associa
tion of Boozemakers have put
their heads together and come
up with a whole selection of
thrilling gifts for that hard-to
shop-for person on your Christ
mas list. As a matter of fact,
they have something for the en
tire family.
One Boozemaker must have
had Mom in mind, for their
sleek, tapered decanter will be
a handsome addition to her dress
ing table. Think of it ladies!1
A. whole fifth of your favorite
jizz right in plain sight. Just
scrape of . the label," and tell
your friends you buy your per
fume Avholesale. This beautiful
decanter, when wrapped imagi
natively, can be a real peach.
The same company has also
provided a decanter for that
grammar school boys of yours.
Designed in the shape of a rock
et ship, it makes a wonderful
toy. One nip of the high-octane
contents a.nd Junior will blast
off into the ionosphere, or at
least out from under MotherV
feet. Less progressive parents
may wish to empty the bottle
before giving it. You can always
refill it with Tru-Ade.
THE ROUNDABOUT PAPERS-
oley
717
1 r
s ' mm m m m- w 1:
if i' " J U
ists avow that
we're sure
things
Ave ve never haa
will improve.
it so good,
Modest Proposal 1955
FOR PREVENT fC,T'SF,D FOOTttALI.
COACHES FROM BEING A BURDEN TO
TlIFTtt sf HOOLS OK THF COUNTRY.
AND 1 OR MAKING THEM BENEFICIAL
TO THE PUBLIC. - .
It is a melancholy object to- those Avho
stroll, whether bodily pr; by flight of the
mind, through the lands of higher education
. in this time that every corner must be litter-
ed Avith the ejected carcasses of big-tirrte foot
ball coaches, the latter having been decapi
tated and throAvn to waste due to excessive
loss of games.
-We think it will be agreed by gentlemen
that some halt must come to this terrible
wastage and that' some fair, cheap, and easy
method will be found to utilize those coaches
Ave so dreadfully discard.
Now Ave have been assured by merchants
and hucksters Avho deal in human carnage
that the physical, that is to say, the chemical,
elements of the human body even of so
mountainous and blubberous a proportion
as the usir ! football coach will bring across
the counter no more than a fevv dollars cur
rency. It is thus manifest that to seek recom
pense through sale of coaches for their chem
ical value is to seek tears from a bleached
bone. !
We shall therefore humbly propose our
'own thought, which avc hope will not be lia
ble to the slightest objection.
We hive been assured by knowing Mary
landers cf our --quaintance that a fat, healthy
football coach, in his prime of life and even
after a losing season, is a most delicious,
nourishing and wholesome food, whether
stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled, and Ave
make no doubt that he Avill equally serve in
a fricassee, or a ragout.
Now football coach, upon resigning him
self to the fate which will be the law of na
ture lollow a losing season, can be auctioned
off to the highest bid of the most affluent
alumnus, the proceeds to be used to buy a
still fatter coach, and to make gyms like the
lowly .Woollen more to the style of Chartres;
Avith more, a sinking fund could be establish
ed 1 v which a gilded diadem could be pur
chased for the head of the athletic director,
who avou Id be given a per annum grant from
that same sinking fund and evermore address
ed as "Rex."
Boiled, roasted, baked, or fricasced coach
Avill chiefly come to be in season about ' the
month of December, just after the football
season, when all coaches Avho do not Avin
enough games are goaded to the block and
beheaded. For royal feasts, the whole corpus
will be appropriate, but for modest family
gatherings the fore or hind quarter will make
a reasonable dish, and seasoned wtih a little
ground cash will be very good boiled on 'the
fourth daw especially in winter. (117 apohu
girs lo Jonathan Su ijt.)
For Dad, there's Haig & Haig's
pinch bottle, Avhich is no longer
pinched. The Christmas b J le is
shaped like a fat pumpkin, and
it is shatterproofed with platinum
plated chickenwire. No longer
will Dad have to worry about la
cerations if he falls into the em
pty swimming pool at the Country
Club rtftfr that New Year's Eve
dance. C6 proof princh with plat
tershoof pratinum prated wire
plevents this!
I
it
Next season, rumor has it that
Vat 69 will have an interesting
decanter. Probably in the shape
of a vat. (Fooled you didn't I)
And of course the Glassblowers
have not forgotten the abstem
ious. There's always the girl
.friend who doesn't drink. If you
'can't give her a pinch or a peach,
buy her a coke. You can buy
them now in three sizes, the
six, tbe ten, and the new twenty-four
ounce bottle, better
known as the. regular, king size,
and your-poor-kidneys.
Readers
Retort
Baptist Editorial
Brings This Letter
t Editors:
When your editorial columns
persistently" interpret the South
and Southerners to your readers
from, the N". Y." (latin) point
of view, this reader can keep
quiet with some difficulty, but
when you set out . to interpret
the "Baptist" problem of Wake
Forest College that calls for a
letter to the editor.
Baptist "believers" have a -par-,
ticular attachment to the doc
trines of "priesthood of all be
lievers," separation of church and
state and absolute autonomy of
the local congregation, or local
church. The doctrine of the
priesthood of all leads to the con
clusion that all authority arises
from the individual or from
groups of individuals. The local
church may join with other lo
cal churches in cooperative pro
grams, but the local group never
gives up any of its authority.
If the President of Wake For
est, a Baptist college, testified
to the contrary as to dominant
Baptist beliefs, then there is an
explanation for wide spread con
cern other than over trivial athle
tic policies.
J. L. Bass
J. A. C. Dunn
FOR STAMPLEY P. Miffle, of Fatback Junc
tion, Ohio, Christmas was a routine. Just after every
Thanksgiving he thought; to himself, "Well, this
year I really got to decorate the shop a little
different," and
invariably he re-
sorted to
wreaths on the
door and red
and-white strip
ed paper along
the shelves; he
sprayed "Merry
Xmas" and
"Haopy New
Year" in imita
tion snow letters on the front windows, and wrap
ped the tools and kitchen utensils and handy home
knick-knacks in the display with gay ribbon. He
sent out commercial cards to all his customers ("Sea
son's Greetings From Miffle & Hassock Hardware")
to- remind them that lawnmowers could be bought
even in the winter time and Pyrex Avas better than
ever at Miffle & Hassock's
On Christmas eve Mr. Miffle and .his wife and
two daughters stood a five-foot Christmas tree in
the living room window, trimmed it ,-all evening
with the same ornaments they had been using for
16 years (they even had a small light bulb in the
shape of a parrot, which Mrs. Miffle's family had
used when she was a girl, and which still worked;
27 years of Christmas use in that parrot bulb), and
then admired it extravagently even though it look
ed just like last year's Christmas tree. Every year,
when people gathered on God's Acre by the Con
gregational church to sing carols, Mr. Miffle noticed
that all the children looked'older; but he always
talked about the same things the cold, the like
lihood of more snow, how pretty the street decora
tions looked, trivial family matters.
Mr. Miffle was bored with Christmas, though he
could not bring himself to admit it.
ONE PARTICULAR CHRISTMAS eve, after the
tree had been trimmed and after Mrs. Miffle and the
two girls had gone up to bed, Mr. Miffle stayed
downstairs (as usual) to inscribe the last few
present-labels, and to drink the glass of milk and
eat the salami sandwich the girls always left by the
fireplace for Santa Claus (year after year, without
fail, they shrieked with delight to find the milk f
and the sandwich consumed on Christmas morning).
"Merry Xmas to Betsy," he wrote on the wrap-'
ping of a complete set of the Pogo books, "From
Santa Claus." He leaned back on the sofa, bit into
the sandwich, and swallowed some milk. ...
mlp Wax Heel
The official student publication of the Publi
cations Board of the (diversity of North Carolina,.
where it is published
f ' . . t daiJy except Monday.
' ! - and examination and
- v.w., wywv, , vacation periods and
- summer terms. Enter
ed as second class
matter in the post of
fice in Chapel Hill, N.
i, under the Act of
March 8, 1879. Sub
scription rates: mail
ed, $4 per year, $2.50
. a semester; delivered,
$8 a year, $3.50 a ce-mester.
. . i .1...; .-.li fnr
' "I hope you'll leave some oi mat sanuw.
me " said a voice from the far corner of the room.
- Mr.-Miffle jumped,' slopping a little milk on his
trouser-leg. "Who's there? "he said sharp
A 'tall," rather thin man in a business suit with
a kind face but worried eyes came across ; the joom
into the; light. "How do you .do, Stampley? said
the man with a smile, and sank into an armchair
"Who are you? What's the big idea of walking
in here anyway-making yourself at home like
that-and this is my sandwich. I think maybe you d
better go before I-Who are you,, anyway? Mr. Mif
fle asked'again, beginning to get angry, as he re
covered from his shock.
"I'm Santa Claus," said the man.
It
efieS
a merchant, you know that
113 VT UVV 11
Site of the lmvrisity
NortJi Carolina
vluth first
. eiHruJ us door
tn Uxfwuvy :
Night Editor For This Issue Fred Powledge
'Thanks, Pop, That's Just What I Needed!'
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Night Beat
fhe Pu
Pays
To The
isir
Pols
NeiI Bass
iie Pvfi
f lie Mo
Roger Will
I'm just making
the rounds and
checking up on
my men. It's
cold. outside.
Think we'll get
more snow?"
"Look, bud
dy," . said Mr.
Miffle evenly,
jabbing his fin
ger at the man,
' "a joke's a joke,
but nobody's gonna come in here and tell me hey!"
THE MAN had vanished, completely disappeared,
right before Mr. Miffle's eyes.
"Nice tree you've got." The voice sounded sud-
dently from the other side of the room. Mr. Miffle
whirled and found the man admiring the decorated
tree. ' ' - 'y .
"How'd you get over, r . ."
"As I said," said the man calmly. "I'm Santa
Claus." '
Mr. Miffle shrugged his shoulders and flapped
his hand, "O.K., so you're Santa Claus; so you come
through the keyhole and you want a glass of milk;
so you're magic. How about the red suit and the
beard, or have they changed the act?"
"Yes, I'm afraid they did 'change the act' a few
years ago," said the man wearily, and sat in the
armchair again. "Christmas changed from an oc
casion to an institution. I had to incorporate to
keep, up with the times. I've got a couple of thou
sand men on the payroll now, doing delivery all
over tlje world. Mostly plainclothes men. I'm just
yort , of,a personnel manager. Haven't worn a red
suit, injyears. Even the reindeer went out. We still
keep Blitzen around the shop for a pet, but the
others died of exhaustion. Most people are nice
enough to keep on oising them as a symbol, though."
"I don't believe a word of it,"Stampley scoffed.
"It's all i joke." . , -
"No, ho, it's quite true." the man picked up the
glass of ,milk. "It's easy to understand when you
think .that most people nowadays look on Christmas
only as a time of year when business picks up. Even
the word 'Christmas' is dying. 'Xmas,' they call it
now. Takes less space. Saves printing costM You've
got ' to 'keep up with the times, Stampley. You're
The man looked at
Oh dear, I've got to be going. The 64th
"district but around the continental divide, is a bit
unerstaffed this year. I just ought to slip out there
and check up. Nice to meet you, Merry Christmas."
He vanished again, leaving nothing but a small
puddle of melting snow on the carpet.
Mr.- Miffle sat for a few moments and stared, be
wildered, at the puddle. Then he shook his head
and started on the last label. "Merry " He stopped
X-mav. Funny. X, Christ, his-mark, he thought,
and then wrote quickly, "Merry Christmas to Gin
ny From Santa Claus, Inc."
"Now let'em wonder about that," he chuckled as ,m
he reached for the milk glass. But the glass was
empty; the sandwich was gone, too.
A pudgy, gayly clad fellow
makes his way between two mas
sive columns into a glistening
brick building, trudges up a flight
of stairs, and saunters into a long
gray corridor.
Numerous offices lien the cor
ridor, but he notes with a sur
prised look that no. activity seems
to be going on in them.
, "Is this the t headquarters for
student thought and action, or is
this a mausoleum?" he mutters
under his whiskers.
He strolls down the corridor
a few doors until he sees a glazed
glass door with bold letters star
ing in his face. "Student Govern
ment," it proclaims.
"Ah, this sounds like an en
thusiastic group," he chuckles.
"Surely Yuletide has aroused a
lively atmosphere here."
He rubs his little bay window,
cracks the door, and peeps in.
Two young fellows are sitting be
hind impressive looking desks
(paid for by the student body)
with their shining cordovans par
ked atop them.
One has an official-looking doc
ument in his hand and is brood
ing over it, los,t in concentra
tion. The other is talking quietly
over the telephone.
"Oh, I see it all now," this
pudgy character says. "Things
are accomplished here in an ef
ficient, calm way." He puts a
, monstrous looking bag ' on the
floor quietly (in accord with the
general tone of the office), and
tip-toes over to peer across the
chap's shoulder who is writing,
oblivious to the world.
"This must be a Constitution
or dynamic bill," he whispers.
Then he looks at it more close
ly. It has a checkerboard ap
pearance. The lad, himself rather obese,
suddenly becomes aware of the
happy, little man.
"Do you know a four-letter
word for U.N.C. Student govern
ment," he says., The chubby fel
low's jaw drops, but he doesn't
say the first four-leter word that
comes to his mind. He just looks
dazed and stares at a placard on
the desk:
"General Attorney and Presi
dentai Right Arm and Left ,
Arm!"
The plump, little bewhiskered
fellow shrugs his plump, little
un-whiskcred shoulders and ex
claims: "Oh well, there's one in every
crowd! But there's still hope."
He shifts his sparkling eyes
across the room (all furnishings
paid for by the student body),
and halts his gaze on the other
young chap Mho is chattering
(quietly) into an executive-look-
ing, black receiver (also paid for
by the student body).
"Now here's a fair-haired lad
who has some momentous pro
ject underway for student govern
ment!! Here's a popular-looking
guy who's probably saturated
with Christmas spirit!" He stops
his ranting and raving long en
ough to carry his chubby frame
across the room. He listens to
the conversation in nervous anticipation.
T'Tir' TirvTCTr
1U,J "vrnor. was ploddif
on when I saw him, Santa rV '
in the breeze. I wondered u-h 1
it was only fair to warn hW
incriminate him! ' ;
"f grew 'em, Cuz," The Hor,f
I disdained the implica,;
ing a long-eared jackass u i 1
story that had to do with t?'
recent presentation of st i
"A Child Was Born," at tfc?
in Chapel Hill. '
in the
sympathy
"Lemma tell it," The Horse
me? Harry Davis, of Dram-s ,
me pari ot &t. Joseph
tion, noted with
&orne youngsters were lurkic
the actors and actresses pcrv!'
for the first performance t
garding Little Innocents be".
at this time of the year, Mr. Drv
and also, who knew but that s 4
stage-struck tots might grow u
maker productions? '
"It was only when it earned,,
don his St. Josephian beard a'J
onstage cue that he observed !',
children were missing, it devc1
had a project of some Chrisi
own, that which called for a Sanir
well, if it was a sort of mixed r
in the Lord's House fie act fa':
Richmond P. Bond terms 'The H
takes rank alongside such worth
as Stealing Texts From The Lib ;.
the Christmas Spirit!
And was Horsie rerdy with Chr.
"I wish for Coach George E..-.
started it off, "a fast and perm;-;
those he is now leaving."
Waydaminnit, uxuiamamnmlm:'
the alumni, it had to be this way. Ti;
Woollen Moneybags
"And there you have it all, "7:,
sadly. "It is stupid to not give a c
in which to develop his team; ar.c
a- A i 1 . : i
Tom Tatum got at Moo Park, L
assistants? Ito-no, and . no-no: And
he had twenty-two assistants, he'll
better linemen than Coach Geo:;?
turned out here at UNC. I bet ire!
miis acre, wm niu Mgn lur aw
It takes a coach a year or two to sc.
into operation; and it takes fonry:i
i Y r full lion nut f f nrtv TTrfKri hfh"
attracted."
"Well, now, how about Basket;.
George and Coach McGuire take oi
the same year?
"We are speaking of coaches, r,;!
The Horse shrugged. "Unless aga
111,1X1.1 uidii iv in.-a, anu int.)
on the ocean bottom. Coach FrarA
who takes rank with Merlin, and i.
a passel of hard-running Houfc
of Wishes many ,happy returns cl
Day and the thrill, Coach ,vw
Freeman!"
Yes? And?
"A sparkling new typewriter and
icuence ior me wurK ui n
. . ... ... n
utt" u i ii a new opui is juhui. -on
with his wishing. "I squawked o
Wayne wrote when he was new a
never saw a Frosh with more oi
it takes to make himself a top-Av
Next?
"Cheers for The Carolina i.
courase. not to mention their sk;.
J rC !
boards a Diece as any aiu
Blood Wedding. A function un
to not alone dare other uwn ,
hits, it is as well to treat w y
noiir nrirl firrom thf rnm beef
of our audiences palates that aro
j:.., inn
screens of the nation, unaw-
are marks of couraireous leaderf
: ic
rule the dramatic waves; Dm
casionally, to waive the anw
or no."
j
"As soon as I slap a veto on
this bill passed during hard times
in '32, I'll jump into an executive-looking
suit and meet '"you
at the Goody Shop in 15 min
utes!" The plump, gay, little fellow
is still plump and little but; that's
it. He pushes his -chin up with
his knee, breathes a long sigh,
and tip-toes out of" the", office'
He passes a chipper, gray haired
lady, (also paid for by the stu
dent body), saunters back down
the hall, down the stairs, (car
peting paid for by you-know-who),
out the door and out of
sight.
Then from the distance comes
the cry:
"On Dancer, on Prancer, on do
cile Don-erf
Goody-goody! Any more?
"Wishes to Radio, Television ana
for more of the excellent worn.
off. "that has us on NBC's nation-;
every Thursday night at 8:30. i"-
feather in our renutational caps-1'
ostrich feather! Nice going '
The Poor Man's Paul Grcen-
The Rich Man's George Drenholti
More?
"Thf start nf a fitting Bn
to Rhodes Scholar-Editor Ed
Horse went on with his list.
ruins fnr Tir J IVnrose
(Tiger
xtl viiavuiujf viaj-
of metalpolish for his
Bete Key;
. .. i-
sandwich-
. i n n
Digger ami ,
more coffeeish coffee-substitute (
.... . cphOiJ'-
tne Y-uourt: a lew un - ,
Better luck
pudgy fellow!
next year, little
who know that Zezar is not sPe
Well, daggone if The Horse
self clear out of space!
Ana 10 an you-au iai t ,
and hu:Tah, tall, thin, short, f-
gummea a lerry uu"""
. . . and Godspeed you back; but-
highways! One dead Tar H' '
live Dooks; but don't you go Pr(A
ta'
1 )