A memorial to Zeb
"The ultimate result of shielding the effects of folly Is to fill the world with fools."
Herbert Spencer
Traditionally, the staff wits of the Daily Tar Heel have taken advantage of
the day following the last day of March to prove themselves fools in the
finest fashion by printing a satire of this newspaper. Due to space
constraints, this year's staff has decided to cancel its annual self-indulgence
and present the news with no more than the usual foolishness.
Rumour has it that Carolina magazine is printing a Tar Heel satire. We
considered returning the favor, but decided that folly is best when self
evident. But in keeping with the spirit of this bicentennial fool's day we toast a late
great from North Carolina, Zeb Vance.
Vance, a Civil War colonel, four-time senator and three-time governor,
was renowned for his ability to hold himself and others, the latter more than
the former, up to public ridicule.
He gave a characteristic example of this ability in Congress during a
debate over an appropriation for dredging Carolina's small but scenic
French Broad River. A senator from Rhode Island opposing the bill made
the statement that the French Broad was so narrow, he could stand on one
bank and spit to the other.
Vance, angered by this Yankee's attack on the pride of his childhood,
took the floor next.
"The gentleman who makes that remark about the French Broad comes
from the puny little state of Rhode Island, he said. "Why, I could stand on
one border of Rhode Island and piss halfway across that state!
At this, the Northern delegates rose with a roar and the speaker banged
his gavel.
"Order! order! he cried. "The gentleman from North Carolina is out of
order!' : . : ; :
Vance turned cooly to the speaker and continued, "Yes, and if I wasn't out
of order I could piss clear, across the whole durned state!"
New light on housing
The statistics released today by the housing department make all of us
who so loudly protested the recent decision to assign room space by lottery
seem a little foolish.
Only 195 people out of 3573 returning applicants will be denied space in
the dorms, and attrition will probably create space for these before next fall.
Furthermore, about half of the returning students will not be involved in
the lottery at all, but will automatically be given space in the dorm of their
choice.
Viewed in light of these statistics, long hours spent in long lines waiting
for room assignment seem a little absurd. The random selection method will
eliminate this absurdity and cause minimum displacement and discontent.
Lost, of course, is some small degree of control over one's housing
destiny. But gained are thousands of hours of wasted time that can certainly
be put to better use.
Gift from the printer
Special thanks are in order to Bill Hinton, our printer, who has proved
himself a friend indeed.
Because of the Daily Tar Heel's money shortage, today's paper was
originally laid out to be four pages. Advertising on the second, third and
fourth pages left enough room for a headline and about two lines of type on
each page.
Recognizing this dilemma, Mr. Hinton agreed to print a six page paper at
the price usually charged for a four.
Hinton press has printed the Tar Heel for the past seven years, and the
service it has provided has been excellent. Printing has been precise, clean
and prompt, and the price has remained very reasonable. For this we are
thankful.
Beyond this, Bill Hinton has always helped the Tar Heel when it has
needed help, and has always tried his best to please with his service.
No one has ever said that a newspaper is no better than its printer, but it's
worth thinking about.
(Hit? Saily ular BM
84th Year of Editorial Freedom
Robin Clark
Managing Editor
Greg Nye
Editorial Page Editor
Tim Pittman
News Editor
Dan Fesperman
Features and Freelance
Lawrence Toppman
Arts and Entertainment
Jim Thomas
Sports Editor
Bob King
Wire Editor
Charles Hardy
Photography Editor
Business: Verna Taylor, business manager, Elizabeth Bailey, advertising manager. Advertising.
Steve Crowell, Mark Dubowskl, Mark Lazenby and Lena Orlin. Business: Elisabeth Lewis Corley,
Norman Stein and Larry Kulbeck. Circulation: Henry Birdsong and Jay Curiee.
Composition Editor: Ben Cornelius. Distribution Manager: Ken Smith.
Student Graphics, Inc.: Dean Gsrdes, shop foreman, Typesetters: Stan Beaty, Chiquetta
Shakelford, and Jo Bush. Ad composition: Janet Peterson, supervisor; Judy Dunn, Steve
Quakenbush end John Speagle. News composition: Brenda Marlow end Jonr Peters.
Frinif d by Hinton Enterprises In Mebane, N.C., the Dally Tar Heel publishes weekdays during
ths regular academic year.
Thursday, April 1, 1876
Alan Murray
Editor .
News: Susan Orcutt, assistant editor. Colette Chabbott, Art,
Eisenstadt. Chris Fuller, Sam Fulwood III, Russell Gardner,
Teddy Goldman, Jan Hodges, Julie Knight. Vernon Loeb,
Nancy Mattox, Jane Mosher, Joni Peters. Mel Rath, Mary Anne
Rhyne, Linda Rosenfield, Laura Seism, Laura Toler and Merton
Vance.
News Desk: Betsy Stuart, editorial assistant, Jack Greenspan,
and Jill Snider.
Arts and Entertainment: Merrill Rose, assistant editor. George
Bacso, Hank Baker. Mark Dearmon. Brent Kulman, Michael
McFee. Melanie Modlin. Warren Rochelle, Malia Stinson and
Richard Williams.
Sports: G'rant Vosburgh, assistant editor; Gene Upchurclv
desk assistant. Kevin Barris. Brad Bauler, Dede Biles. Doug
Clark. Chip Ensslin, Tod Hughes, Dave Kirk, Pete Mitchell, Lee
Pace, Ed Rankin and Ford Worthy.
Graphic Arts: Staff photographers: Dave Dalton, Bud.Fawcett,
Howard Shepherd and Martha Stevens. Cartoonists: John
Branch, Stan Coss, Alan Edwards, Nan Paratl and John
Tomlinson. ,
C&nipaigning
By DAVID KLINGER
We subscribe to the view that the true
measure of man is best judged by the
company he keeps and we see no reason why
this philosophy is not equally applicable to
political candidates.
That's why no amount of argument can
convince us that Ronald Reagan actually
won the North Carolina Republican
presidential primary.
Jimmy Stewart did.
Yes, Jimmy Stewart, the Hollywood
actor. The same guy to whom former screen
star Ronald Reagan is referring as "his good
friend" and "his old pal". The same guy who
was shuttled all across North Carolina last
week in behalf of Reagan, prompting many
Tar Heels to show up at Reagan-for-President
rallies just to see him.
Jimmy Stewart won the North Carolina
Republican primary. -
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CUT HOLD ITTHfleEliteSttiPT'
CAUS FOR YOU TO KIPE AWAV
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Tiki columns brazen, vulgar, overdone?
To the Editor:
So who is Tiki Thompson?
So who cares?
So why do you fill that oh-so-precious
space with that oh-so-awful column?
Writing that tries so desperately hard to be
blase and "with it" is wasted verbiage. A
brazen outlook, vulgarity, and a style so
deliberately clever that it is overdone can
never take the place of true originality,
inventiveness, or the ability to write.
i.e. Art Buchwald she ain't!
Lynn Norman
227 E. Rosemary St.
Healthy competition
To the editor:
Those potential voters who read Mr.
Bruce Tindall's letter of March 30 need to
consider the record of the North Carolina
General Assembly before rushing out to
their nearby registrar.
Mr. Tindall advises us that since
Justice obscured in
By VERNON LOEB
Last fall, charges of unethical conduct
were levied against Louis L. Vine, a noted
veterinarian who owns and operates a large
animal hospital on E. Franklin Street.
In January, due to the efforts of Ron
Mack, a Student Consumer Action Union
investigator, Dr. Vine was called before the
N.C. Veterinary Medical Board to answer
those charges. Everyone, including Dr. Vine,
his associates, Mr. Mack, veterinary board
members and witnesses, hoped the hearing
would clear the air, by either exonerating Dr.
Vine, or punishing him.
This, however, was not the outcome. Since
the hearing, the air has only become worse.
Shortly after the hearing, Dr. Vine
announced an unethical conduct countersuit
(which never really existed) against
veterinarians who had allegedly said bad
things about him and his practice.
When the veterinary board finally made
an attempt to end the controversy, only more
arose. It concluded that Dr. Vine was not
guilty of "deception, or malpractice, or
negligence or unprofessional conduct."
But it reprimanded Dr. Vine, nonetheless,
for organizational deficiencies that were "of
less than required professional standards,"
and ordered him to make the necessary
changes.
Dr. Vine, however, did not acknowledge
this reprimand and decided to go to court
instead of making any changes. This was
done, Dr. Vine's attorney Blackwell Brogden
said, because the board, in affect, did not
know what it was doing. The fault lay with
the board, and not with Dr. Vine, Mr.
Brogden charged. "Lawyers and doctors
don't run their professions the way the N. C.
veterinary board runs its," he said.
Furthermore, he contends it was a legal
anomaly that at the hearing, the veterinary
board's attorney acted as "the trial officer,
the prosecuting attorney and the jury," and
said that a standard trial would have been
more just and completely cleared his client.
Others feel, including Mr. Mack, that a
trial would have been more just, but in a
t I
L
And, no doubt about it, Gerald Ford lost.
Which prompts us to pass along this
unsolicited bit of political advice to Mr.
Ford, for as we see it, Ronald Reagan and his
Hollywood connection stand a pretty good
chance of making an updated version of
"Mr. Smith Goes to Washington" this time
for real.
Gerald Ford needs his own Hollywood
connection, his own coterie of superstars and
beautiful people to help him start winning
primaries again and stay in the White H ouse.
We've dusted off the archives from the
1972 Presidential election to see how Mr.
Nixon did it and Mr. McGovern didn't, with
a particular eye out for the way they created
their own peculiar Hollywood connections.
And, with the help of Newsweek Magazine,
we've discovered a few interesting things that
have enabled us to formulate a few simple
rules for creating your own sure-fire route to
Washington via Hollywood.
First, who was supporting whom? Mr.
McGovern lined up Candice Bergen, Judy
Democrats usually win in November,
students should support the Democratic
party. True, the Democrats do tend to win
the majority, of General Assembly seats, but
these same Democratic lawmakers have
dished out two defeats for the Equal Rights
Amendment in the last three years.
Mr. Tindall asks us to support pro-ERA
Democrats in the August primary. However,
Democrats certainly do not enjoy a
monopoly of concern for the passage of the
ERA. Republicans such as Representative
Carolyn Mathis and Representative Marilyn
Bissell (Mecklenburg County) have been
outstanding leaders in the fight for the ERA
both on and off the floor of the House.
Inactivity within the General Assembly is
the result of one problem: there is little or no
partisan competition to allow issues to be
fully aired and freely debated. The election
of more Republicans to the General
Assembly will provide the competition we
need in North Carolina.
Mr. Tindall calls for continuation of one
party control. Republicans, however, offer
different sense. The argument here is that in
a court of law, all pertinent information
concerning the unethical charges would have
been brought forth. This did not happen at
the veterinary board hearing.
One witness testified that 10 days after his
puppies had been wormed at the Vine
hospital, one of them was pronounced dead
of worms by another veterinarian; while at
the same time, a second puppy was
pronounced dead by a Vine associate who
said he could not determine the cause of
death. But this other veterinarian was not
subpoenaed by the board, so the testimony
was stricken from the record.
Another witness testified that care of her
dog at the Vine hospital was, based on an
opinion of another veterinarian, fradulent
and unnecessary. But this other veterinarian
was not subpoenaed by the board, so the
testimony was stricken from the record.
Another witness testified that his dog,
based upon an opinion of another
veterinarian, was unnecessarily hospitalized
at the Vine hospital. But this other
veterinarian was not subpoenaed, so the
testimony was stricken.
A fourth complaintant, who was
subpoenaed but did not appear, alleged that,
based upon an opinion of another
veterinarian, unnecessary surgery was
prescribed at the Vine hospital. But since she
did not appear, her allegation was not
considered by the board.
In fact, board members themselves
admitted they were new in the game of
holding hearings and had failed to subpoena
pertinent witnesses.
Thus, Mr. Mack and Mr. Brogden are
both correct. The veterinary board did not
do its job. The controversy continues.
Mr. Mack has passed word of this
controversy onto the N.C. Attorney
General's Consumer Protection Division. In
doing so, he has facilitated the only solution
to this controversy an investigation by the
consumer division, which its director is now
considering.
This investigation, by finding all the facts,
would satisfy Mr. Mack, while its
professionalism would do the same for Mr.
x r
Holly wood
Collins, Cass Elliott, Gene Haekman,
Dustin Hoffman, Paul Newman, Ryan
O'Neal, Carly Simon, James Taylor, Raquel
Welch, Dionne Warwicke, Jon Vcight, Art
Garfunkel, Woody Allen, Robert Red ford,
Tommy Smothers and Leonard Nimoy,
among others.
Mr. Nixon countered with Pat Boone,
Bing Crosby, Cary Grant, Art Linkletter,
Charlton Heston, Desi Arnaz, Fred Astaire,
Sammy Davis Jr., Helen Hayes, Fred
MacMurray, John Wayne, Danny Thomas,
Jimmy Stewart, Frank Sinatra, Red
Skelton, Ethel Merman and ZsaZsaGabor.
Mr. Nixon won the election. Mr.
McGovern did nt't.
See the pattern emerging? For those of
you who don't, and for Mr. Ford, we offer
these simple maxims:
I.) Above all, in the Washington
Hollywood connection, old is good. Young
is bad. A Walter Pidgeon or a Rosalind
Russell count for five Warren Beattys or
Goldie Hawns. A Jack Nicholson doesn't
healthy competition to our voters.
Competition has served us well in the
American marketplace. It can be equally
advantageous to us in our political arena.
Marshall Hurley
Vice-chairman
UNC Young Republicans
Objective criticism
To the editor:
1 find the uproar over Ann Sjoerdsma's
article describing her visit to a
fundamentalist church interesting, but I
think the dispute is fueled too much by
personal feelings rather' than by objective
criticism of the article.
The name calling is interesting, as I said,
but it does not really touch on the central
question as raised by Mel Horton: Was Mrs.
Sjoerdsma's article good journalism? Here I
will have to side with Mr. Horton, as Ms.
Sjoerdsma was obviously out to flex her
iconoclastic muscles at the expense of an
Vine case
Brogden. In short, it would clear the air.
The community deserves to know whether
or not Dr. Vine is guilty of unethical
conduct. Dr. Vine deserves the opportunity
to be left to go about his practice without
reading about it in the morning paper.
Justice to Dr. Vine and the community
can only come through the attorney general.
His job is justice.
Vernon Loeb, DTH staff writer, is a
sophomore journalism major from
Greenwich, Connecticut.
Fresh mouth look
Jocks are no fools
By TIKI THOMPSON
Ever since I attained post-pubescent
status, one of my main ambitions was to
become a majorette or cheerleader you
know, that "freshest mouth in town" look.
Unfortunately, in Tahiti we didn't indulge in
this kind of hocus-pocus, since most sports
wc engaged in were not what you would
consider the spectator type.
How could 1 guess that when I entered
UNC my dreams of fame would be
realized - and where else but with the Sweet
Carolines?!
The more I learned about this cuddly
coterie, the more my respect for them
deepened. What dedication to theUniversity
a girl must have to sacrifice her Saturdays
(otherwise spent needlepointing with the
gi rls in front of the tube or chained to a carrel
in the grad lib) week after boring week,
escorting those cute jock recruits to the
games and around campus. Obviously a girl
has no ulterior motive when she interviews to
become a Sweet Caroline.
The morning of my interview, April 1 1
awoke breathless' with anticipation, 'if
selected, I'd have the opportunity to jerk all
8.
R
n
u y
held a cand'.e to a Glsnn Fcrd. Tina Sinatra
and Mario Thomas found their names a little
kss valuable to Mr. .McGovern than their
daddies' were to Mr. Nixcn;
2. ) Old wealth and c!4 feme is better than
new. Tiny Tim and Eartha Kitt just simply
did not make it for Mr. McGovern. With
Edgar Bergen and Susan Hayward,
however, Mr. Nixon hit paydirt;
3. ) The stranger, the kinkier the star or the
act, the more valuable it is to the
candidateprovided that that strangeness or
kinkiness has been around long enough to
achieve social acceptance. For example.
Dean Martin and his drinking habits are
funny. Young Peter Fonda's drug habits
aren't. The dirty jokes of a George Burns or a
Henny Youngman are worth votes. Those of
a George Carlin or a Richard Pryor won't do
anything but get you arrested; (Ronald
Reagan has recognized this rule very early,
that kinkiness is a virtue so long as the
populace has put its stamp-of-approval on it.
That's why he lined up Jesse Helms soon
after coming into North Carolina, for where
else but Central Casting could such a natural
be found?)
4. ) Racial, ethnic or sex pride and
identification are acceptable, but only within
strict limits. For the blacks, a sure bet is a
Johnny Mathis or a Pearl Bailey. Dick
Gregory and Tina Turner are out. For the
Jews, a Milton Berle or a Buddy Hackctt,
but not David Steinberg. For women, a
Shirley Temple Black or an Ann Landers,
but not a Gloria Steinem or a Linda
Lovelace.
. We think we've come up with a suitable list
of personalities with whom Mr. Ford may
move into Wisconsin and, ultimately, back
into the White House. They meet the four
criteria as set up above and, we think, they
are in keeping with the image and
personality Gerald Ford has attempted to
project.
The list that we're forwarding to the White
House goes as follows: Georgie Jessel,
Lawrence Welk, Virginia Graham, Don
Ameche, Liberace, Kate Smith, Jim Nabors,
Harriet Nelson, Fabian, Rose Marie, Allen
Funt, Rod McKuen, Totie Fields, Guy
Lombardo, Monty Hall, Lawrence Spivak
and Charo.
David Klinger is a senior journalism
political science major from Winston Salem,
North Carolina.
obviously uneducated country parson. A
glance at almost any paragraph of her story
will afford examples of this bias: "Inhuman
sounds like cats in heat... five flushed and
sweating women.;. an! elderly, emaciated
man,., eyes wild-and. crazed, "4 could go on
But beyond the immediately negative
connotations of her descriptive terminology,
there is her running commentary on the
pastor's "sermon," designed not to show Ms.
Sjoerdsma as she would like to imagine her,
as the beleagered visitor in the midst of an
holy uproar, but rather to make the pastor
seem a fool. The fact that she succeeds is
testimony . more to her talents as a
propagandist than as a journalist.
Was there nothing in the service to give
Ms. Sjoerdsma a feeling of pathos?
I part ways with Mr. Horton when he calls
for the resignation of the editor of the Tar
Heel for printing Ms. Sjoerdsma's article. I
do not think that it was a fair article, or even
a good article, but 1 am afraid that such is the
calibre of feature writing among our future
journalists. I choose instead to cry, "Foul!"
and admonish other writers not to make Ms.
Sjoerdsma's mistake.
Mark Williams
Carrboro
The Daily Tar Heel welcomes letters to
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spaced, on a 60-spacc line .
Unsigned or initialed columns on this
page represent the opinion of the Daily
Tar Heel. Signed columns represent the
opinion of the individual contributor
only.
Letters should not run over 50 lines
(about 300 words) and should be mailed
to the Daily Tar Heel, Carolina Uniorf.
those cute short skirts (of the '68 vintage) out
of my closet and start wearing 'em again!
After all, even that snappy topsider-jean
skirt look can get old and I'd gathered that
the title "Sweet Caroline" sanctions any
mode of dress a girl prefers.
Here was my big chance to prove my
devotion to my alma mater and at the same
time gain the admiration of jock, Tri-Pi,frat
man, and administrator alike. My reverence
for the university recruiting system caused a
lump to form in my throat, as 1 dreamed of
the ardent athletic supporter I would soon
become.
With knees literally shaking (as I'm sure
everyone noticed, since my "interview" skirt
waj only a foot and a half long), I
approached Carmichael, quivered my way to
the sports information office (the first rung
on the ladder to status, reputation and
popularity as a Sweet Caroline), then
stopped in shock as 1 noticed the sign on the
. doon "Sweet Caroline interviews - Cmon
girls, there's more to it than that." Really
girls, what do you take the jock department
for-a bunch of April fools?
Tiki Thompson, a junior transfer student
frora Tahiti, is the pseudonym for a Carolina
co-ed.