ARTS
Conan hacks his way through fantasy epic
By TODD DAVIS
Staff Writer
Conan hacks! He whacks! He slices! He
dices! But instead of using a modern Veg-a-matic,
Conan brandishes an ancient broad
sword, for he is Conan the Barbarian. Directed
by John Milius, Conan is set in the mythic,
brutal, and literally heavy metal age of
swords, meat axes and sledgehammers. In
this epic movie fantasy, men do battle the
old fashioned way with steel slashing flesh
and bone.
cinema
Why all the bloody carnage? If Conan had
any brain activity in his thick skull, he might .
give us these three reasons.
One! Conan is a barbarian. Barbarians
must rape, murder and pillage. If s the social
thing to do.
Two. As a career .warrior, Conan must
come to know the "riddle of steel," which is
something like the Force in Star Wars. To
solve the riddle Conan cleverly decides to
crush his enemies or stick, stab, poke and
choke his enemies whatever it takes.
Three. Here's what really gets Conan's
sword swinging: the evil Thulsa Doom and
his army of refugees from a Molly Hatchet
album cover slaughter Conan's parents and
make young Conan a slave. Poor little Conan
has such an unhappy childhood.
Aside from the rampaging violence, a
curious highlight is Doom as a cult figure.
Doom's followers wear robes, carry flowers,
and search for total emptiness. Call them
Doomies.
The movie's production design creates a
believable fantasy land of towering towers,
diabolical dungeons, and filthy cities. Conan
presents the standard special effects of ani
mation, bestial transformation, severed
bodies, and blood.
Muscleman Arnold Schwarzenegger plays
a convincing Conan with a sense of humor
which helps lighten the heavy hacking.
Broadway dancer Sandhal Bergman is Con
an's tough but beautiful girlfriend, Valeria,
who can wreak havoc with the best of them.
James Earl "Voice of Darth Vader" Jones is
bad guy Thulsa Doom in a Cher wig. Not too
scary. Jones should have stuck with the low
resonating voice he used in Star Wars and
left the scary looks to someone else.
Conan The Barbarian Is supposed to be the
summer's big action-adventure answer to
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Arnold Schvsncncggcr wielding his broadsword as Conan.
-i
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last year's Raiders of the Lost Ark.
The main problem with Conan is its lack
of speed. The movie lurches and lumbers
through most of the action, taking its time
and the viewer's. Still, Schwarzenegger and
Bergman make a good team and bring
energy to their scences. But that's not
enough. A movie that lives by the sword dies
by tte sword and Conan survives only as en
tertainment for those with a little barbarian
in their 20th century skulls. Otherwise, Con
an is dead on arrival.
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