Hoy KJczX trip fnccrJ
Seo story pago 9
Chapel Kill: Tar Heel blue skies look great
with warm sunshine. High 80. Low 60.
Durham: Dark, gloomy and general malaise.
High: gett'em next time guys? Lows: real
Serving over two million every century'
Volume 1, issue 1
Tuesday, March 32. 1986
Chapel Hi!!. North Carolina
Business Advert sing SS2-1163 4
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By HAZY DAVY
FUQUAY VARINA The Duke
University basketball team, which last
night lost the NCAA championship
game in Dallas (Awwww), has suffered
another bitter blow as it has been placed
on NCAA and ACC probation for the
next two seasons as a result of violations
stemming from the recruiting of Marty
Nessley and Kevin Strickland.
Sources close to the investigation say
Nessley, a 7-2 junior center, was
reportedly offered a Dominique Wil
kins poster, a videocassette of the movie
"Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jarid
Syn," and an autographed baseball
from four non-starting Durham Bulls.
Strickland, a 6-6 sophomore swing
man, was offered Johnny Dawkins' old
clothes, Sade and Air Supply albums,
a package of oven mitts and a "Teen
Wolf" movie poster.
Nessley and Strickland were instru
mental in many Duke victories this
season, especially the December 2 win
over East Carolina. Both players' point
totals (Nessley's six and Strickland's
eight) were season highs. The combined
total of 14 points was the difference in
the Devils' 98-66 victory.
Duke's director of athletics, Bread N.
Butters, said that he knew of the
investigation, but chose to "mind-my
own business" until after the Final Four.
"I just chose to mind my own
business," Butters said. "I let Coach K
do his own thing. We didn't think
anybody would notice or care. Just ask
(sports persona) Brent Musburger
about our spotless reputation. And if
he still leves us, then those other guys
(at the NCAA) don't count."
Brent Musburger, CBS sports analyst
and all-around keen guy, couldn't
believe the charges.
"1 can't believe these charges," he
said. "The program down in Durham
so well exemplifies what college basket
ball is all about. We're talking student
athletes. We're talking graduating
student-athletes. We're talking
suburban-bred, well-fed, well-read,
Club Med, don't-like-the-Grateful-Dead
Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski said
last night that he knew of the Nessley
"Well, Marty just had so many other
offers," he said. "I mean, we were
competing with the University of
Bridgeport and the Colorado School of
Mines. What else could I do?"
However, when asked about the
recruiting of Strickland, Krzyzewski
After Strickland was pointed out to
Krzyzewski in the locker room, he was i
heard to say, "So that's who he is. I j
just thought he was Dawkins' brother. '
They're always wearing the same '
The penalties imposed by the league
and the NCAA include a reduction of
scholarships over a two-year period, a
one-year ban on television appearances,
Krzyzewski changing his name to
Shushevskee and the team taking games
against Harvard and Stetson off its
"We can't give the impression that
we condone activity of that sort or
names with that many consonants, "said
a spokesman for the NCAA.
n ;y jti
Bitty bomb blasts between buildings, but both
Berlin blockade, beautiful bunkhouses bypassed
DTP Hero Sheema
bodacious bedlam brews, bringing beta
By NAGGIE SAHKIE
Disassociated Press Staff Writer
CHAPEL HILL, N.C (DP) A nuclear
explosion rocked the shanties and the Berlin
type wall built in front of South Building on
the University of North Carolina campus
Monday, strewing clapboard and refuse around
the quad area. No one was injured in the blast
Members of Students Taking Action In
Dormancy (STAID), a radical, middle-of-the-road
faction, called UNC Chancellor Christopher
C. Fordham III minutes after the incident, saying
they were tired of protest on campus and planted
the bomb to make their point.
The bomb destroyed the shanties built by the
UNC Anti-Apartheid Support Group, and the
wall built by the UNC College Republicans and
Students for America.
The shanties were built to protest the South
Africa's apartheid system of government, in
which the white minority rules the country and
throws extravagant orgies while non-whites hold
no positions of power or fun.
The wall was built to protest oppression by
Communist governments and, more indirectly,
the shanties, which College Republicans and
SFA members have described as "ugly and
putrid, like bubbling corpuscles of fat on hot
The 0.0000003-megaton bomb, containing
enough explosive force to blow Johnny Dawkins'
nose, exploded at 3 a.m., waking residents as
far away as Old East Dormitory and shaking
birds from telephone lines on Franklin Street.
FBI investigators found evidence that the
bomb was planted precisely between the shanties
and the wall.
White House spokesman Lawrence M.
Speakes said in a press conference that President
Ronald W. Reagan had absolutely nothing to
do with anything.
Campus officials said they hoped such events
would not occur in the future and did not know
where to draw the line on displays of campus
protest, citing the First Amendment.
"I'm caught between a rock and a hard place,"
said an official, who spoke on the condition of
anonymity. "The conservatives, the liberals
hell, I don't know my left from my right."
ClhiaifflceMor j ffacmilty call n
By APRIL PHOOLLE
UNC will close indefinitely after final
exams end May 7, Chancellor Chris
topher C. Fordham III announced
"I had a meeting with the faculty
yesterday," he said. "We all felt just
pretty tired of the whole thing. We're
going to hand out diplomas to all
current students, then call it quits for
a couple years. Maybe well feel better
Fordham explained that more than
90 percent of the University's faculty
was experiencing symptoms of chronic
burnout, including threatening their
slower students at knifepoint and
making obscene phone calls to former
UNC system President Bill Friday.
"Bill's a little ticked-off right now,"
Fordham said. "That's part of the
closing thing. We think hell want us
back once he calms down a little."
Friday said Saturday he had received
numerous calls Wednesday and Thurs
day, and at least two calls a day Monday
and Tuesday. There were no calls this
or last Sunday, Friday said.
"I always got a couple every semes
ter," he said. "It comes with being
president. But lately it got ridiculous
and it got on my nerves. So I called
Chris and said, 'Cut this stuff out or
111 shut you down.' "
Friday said he might consider reop
ening the University as soon as May
1987. He said he would not open it
sooner because it would take him at
least that long to recover from some
of the phone calls, which he described
as "really, really, I mean primo hot stuff,
Though only seniors will participate
in the graduation ceremony, Fordham
said all current students will receive
"What the hell," Fordham said.
The UNC Bored of Trustees issued
a statement Sunday saying the Univer
sity would be used as an exclusive
vacation resort and executive bordello
until it reopened as a school.
BOT Chairman J. Clint Newton Jr.
said the resort would be named,
appropriately enough, "The Southern
Part of Heaven." The cost for staying
at the resort would be $5,000 per month
or $50,000 for the whole year, not
including dormitory rent. Prostitute
charges will be negotiable.
Dorm rent would vary from $300 per
month for a room in historic Old East
with no air conditioning to $1,000 per
month in brand spanking new Kath
erine K. Carmichael dormitory, which
has air conditioning.
Newton said the BOT had not
decided yet what to do with money
raised by. the resort.
"I don't know," he said. "Maybe well
invest it. Maybe well build a real resort
down by the Smith Center. That way
we won have as far to drive our limos.
Heck, we could walk or get some electric
golf carts. And well put a bordello next
to the arena."
The Tar Heel basketball team will no
longer be allowed to compete in college
athletics, at least until they have a
school, NCAA spokesman Jocko
Strappe said Friday.
"Nope, sorry, can't do that," he said.
Coach Dean Smith said the Tar Heels
probably would jump to the NBA.
"What the hell," Smith said.
The Tar Heels also have several offers
from other universities who are willing
to banish their current teams. Offers
received so far have come from such
places as Dook University, N.C. Stayt
and the University of Virginia.
"Nah," Smith said. "Well go pro.
Maybe that way we can get away from
Students were generally apathetic.
"Well get our diplomas, I don't care,"
said Cathy Arsis, a sophomore unde
clared major from Gum Neck.
Tymtaliv Tymtadye, a junior eco
nomics major from New Delhi, India,
said he would be sorry to see the school
close, but he was glad the school was
handing out diplomas rather than
leaving students on their own.
"What the hell," he said.
Mgffoot teimiffies stoffff
off siMdmis USS B&vis
By MACK McMAKK
A seven-foot tall bigfoot, normally
only found in remote parts of the
Northwestern United States, ram
paged through Davis Library Fri
day, causing $3,000 in damages and
devouring several librarians.
"All I could do is scream," said
librarian Olivia Bukwurm. "I mean,
there he was, right in front of me,
howling and howling, chewing on
poor Mrs. Weatherby."
The huge furry brute apparently
had been hibernating in the caver
nous Davis basement.
University officials can only spec
ulate how the creature got into the
library's basement in the first place,
but some suspect the supernatural
is to blame.
"That's what I think has been
responsible for all these horrible
crimes that no one can find the
attacker for," said Chancellor Chris
topher C. Fordham HI. "This didn't
used to happen. I remember when
you could live here 20, 30 years and
never see a bigfoot.
Fordham said he would form a
hunting party to track down and kill
the creature, last seen headed away
from the shanties in front of South
Building, leaving destruction in its
wake there as well.
"Well yeah, he kind of busted
things up," said Dale McKinley of
the Anti-Apartheid Support Group.
"But it's not as if you'd notice or
"I'm going to get a gun and keep
it by the door," said Bud Wizer, a
sophomore from Raleigh. "I'm not
going to class until they catch that
thing. I got enough beer to hold off
an army. Ill just take the gun with
me to the bathroom."
Khadafy cologne melts hearts
From Disassociated Press reports
TRIPOLI, Libya Libyan leader
Moammar Khadafy announced
Monday that a new line of cologne,
"Desert Nights," would be manufac
tured soon by Fly-by-Night
The cologne, which will smell like
camel dung and body odor, will be
modeled after the swarthy, dark
haired' dictator, who dresses like an
Arabian Bryan Adams.
"My cologne will show you Amer
icans how a real macho man should
smelV" Khadafy said, scratching his
armpit, "It will be great. A leader
should have his own distinctive,
personal stink. Reagan smells like
Brylcreem and black shoe polish."
Gredasta School Enrollment
WASHINGTON The U.S.
DrpartrKTA ci Education released a
rrjvcx Meoiiy saying American
crCicgc scaissts arr "sailing up in
irc for gr&d'Zzz schools nation-
t mar.: to be drafted,"
M icsa srai-iat sail "To hell with
C"a:i: scixxtt deans called the
scrjt cf app'Jcxins "fcifty," saying
tbe irrrsif-rr-tY actions mere a finan
cui tvea 13 critrslucs everywhere.
"And I thought he was cutting
back on educational funding," said
Smi Ling Fool, dean of . graduate
studies at the Massachusetts Institute
of Technology. "What a great
Martin Breaks Hopping Record
RALEIGH Republican Gov.
"Jumping" Jim Martin has broken
the world record for the number of
consecutive jumps on a pogo stick
while eating pudding, the Guiness
Book of World Records reports.
Martin reportedly has been taking
time off from state legislature ses
sions to train, hopping around the
governor's mansion like a bunny
rabbit on amphetamines and spilling
Jell-O Instant pudding down the
front of his shirt.
Lt. Gov. Bob Jordan said he was
happy for the leader but was
annoyed by the pounding above his
"All he gave me was this damn
bug-infested, rat-bag cot to sleep on,
and now I can't even sleep," Jordan
said, pounding Ritz crackers into
dust oi his desk.
"What can a guy do," he said.
Dog Bliss Ftlan
PIGSKNUCKLE, Ark. Dog
bites man. Film at eleven.
discoMeinit owase offFiOTSitliim
By BILL FOLD
Student Body President Bryan Hassel
said Monday he would be resigning "as
soon as I can pack up my tricycle,"
because the wallpaper in Suite C clashes
with his Winnie the Pooh sheets at
"I mean, Christopher Robin is so
cool," he said. "But this stuff, this stuff
is like the inside of a St. Bernard's ear
Oh, that's gross."
Hassel said he had tried many times
and even put in a requisition form to
get Winnie the Pooh paraphernalia in
the Square Office.
Pooh Products Inc. is now defunct,
but in its heyday manufactured a
By TERASHY RYTTER
A group of five UNC students was
kidnapped by a UFO Saturday, then
returned after being forced to eat
"It really happened!"exclaimed Bigge
Lye, a junior from Apex. "They turned
us into vampires and we had to eat live
kittens. Ill never forget it."
Fig Pucker? a senior from Boone, said
it was the most intensely satisfying
experience he ever had.
"Oooo, it was just so gruesome," he
said. "But it was almost sexual, to me,
complete office line of Pooh telephones,
letterhead stationery, pen sets, and
custom-made, personalized, auto
graphed, decorator, designer paper
weights in a range of colors, patterns,
textures; sizes, styles, emblazoned with
one's favorite character from the series
of children's books by author A. A.
Milne and Tigger, too.
"You know, they just don't make the
stuff anymore," he said. "Some guy said
that C. D. Spangler got the last batch,
so I just said 'to hell with all this
president crap.' "
Hassel said he may consider running
for UNC system president.
The ornate Executive Toilet did have
a Winnie the Pooh toilet paper holder,
but Hassel said it just wasn't enough
to keep him in office.
"Some people just don't understand,"
he said when asked about his slightly
irregular Pooh fixation. "Linu;; had his
blanket, rabbits have their feet, and I
have my Pooh-bear."
"Lovely Pooh-bear,'' he crooned,
closing his eyes and smiling.
According to the Instrument of
Judicial Governance, the official,
uninterpretable last word on matters
like this, anyone is eligible to run for
Moe, Larry and Curly, of Stooge
fame, are the odds-on favorites for the
"Yuk yuk, yuk," Curly said in a
but that could just be like a Freudian
word association with kittens. All the
meowing, oooo, they just didn't like it,
the kittens I mean."
Raja Purami, a freshman from
Kabul, Afghanistan, said he hadn't
noticed anything wrong until after he
was returned to earth.
. "Well, it was just like a dream I had
last night," he said. "Only it was a
spaceship instead of a Russian tank and
I was eating kittens instead of kissing
an ugly, manure-smelling heifer."
Purami said he found out it wasnt
a dream when the other two students
told him so.
The University and Chapel Hill police
departments said they had no reports
of UFOs anywhere near the campus
"There was absolutely nothing unus
ual reported," said Sgt. Flatte Foote of
the University Police. "It was just
business as usual. I thought I heard
something outside, but I never, saw
anything, so it doesn't count."
Detective Harry Callahan of the
Chapel Hill Police Department said
there had been no reports of UFOs to
Monday press conference. "Yuk, yuk,
"Ah, shaddap," Moe replied, poking
Larry in the eye and bopping Curly on
the head for no apparent reason. Curly
grabbed a Boston cream pie from a Sara
Lee delivery boy who was passing by
and tossed it at Moe.
"Yuk, yuk, yuk," Curly said as the
pie missed Moe and hit SBP hopeful
Dinah Shore, lodging whipped cream
in Shore's left nostril.
"America's cooking with Holly
Farms chicken," she said mechanically
before she stuffed a lemon meringue pie
down Curly's pants. Curly then chucked
a blueberry chiffon pie as the whole
room erupted into utter pandemonium.
"Now back in San Francisco, we used
to get these kind of fruitcakes all the
time," he said. "But here, well I'm still
waiting. It would just make my day."
Callahan said the only unusual
occurence that night had been reported
by Dorothy Ozbeckner, 62, of 342
Twilight Dr. Ozbcckner's report was
not considered reliable since she
appeared to have been smoking mari
juana, Callahan said.
Ozbeckner said, "No, 1 wasn't. 1 was
just sitting here, playing with my kitties,
then they were gone.
.And now for something completely different. Monty Python