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6AThe Daily Tar HeelThursday, April 24, 1986 cSt?r Sailu Olar ilfel 94i .year o editorial freedom Voice your opinion However poor the timing may be, it's somewhat appropriate that the Endow ment Board's final decision about the future of its South African investments will be made today, the last day of classes. After all, one of the main goals of both sides of the divestment question has been to educate students about the intolerable horrors of South African apartheid. Students should make a special effort today to show board members, before their 10:30 a.m. meet ing, that they are aware of and concerned with South African conditions. If, as some Endowment Board members maintain, divestment might mean the elimination of some scholar ship funding designed to benefit stu dents, the board should remember that in two recent referendums, students overwhelmingly said they favored div estment. In other words, students have placed moral concerns above the desire for high returns. If the Endowment Board decides today not to divest, they should not use the effects of divestment on students as their reason. A case can be made not to divest, however. As the College Republicans and their colleagues maintain, the atrocious system of apartheid might be dismantled by actively investing in those corporations committed to change in South Africa. This is the University's current policy. Students advocating responsible investments have a respon sibility to be present before the meeting to show the Endowment Board they are worried about South Africa and to present their, solution to the board. As we near the end of the University's 192nd year, and we approach the one fourthway point of the 94th publication year of The Daily Tar Heel, we realized there was no real reason to celebrate. But, we said to hell with it and came up with one. Announcing the first annual Daily Tar Heel Year-End Rag Awards: The Baddest Arena North, South, East or West of the Carrier Dome or any other dome: The Dean E. Smith Student Activities Center The Beefy-T Award for Artful Dodging: David Brady The Jonas Salk Scientific Discovery Award: Dick Crum, for finding a vaccine to eradicate Carolina Fever The Fastest Growing Development in Chapel Hill: Shantytown The Fastest Collapse of a Chapel Hill Development: Shantytown The Don't Put Off ForToday What You Can Put Off For Tomorrow Award: The UNC Endowment Board The Thanks for .30 Years of Unpar alleled Leadership Award: William C. Friday The Eternal Bridesmaid, Close-But-No-Cigar Award: The Duke Blue Devil Basketball Team . .. , . v Ernest goes to the Ernest Powertools Worrell, that bumpkin esque spokesman for a variety of pro ducts, stopped by the White House Monday to give his views on the state of the nation. Although some reports have indicated his visit was just a practical joke on the Washington press corps played by White House spokes man Larry Speakes, reporters for this column have learned otherwise. The following transcript of the news conference, released here for the first time anywhere, reveals the serious nature of Ernest 's address. Speakes: Ladies and gentlemen of the international press, please keep your questions brief. Mr. Worrell has to address the United Nations shortly on the dwindling redneck population in the Andaman Islands. , on Ernest: Hi, yawl. Just flew in from uH,pliywood, and, gee, muh arms 'r tired. (Laughter in gallery.) Seriously, now. Whut kinda questions yawl got for me? Vern Tudball, New York Times: Ernest, what do you see as the consequences of today's economic policies? Ernest: Wail, today's economic policies mean a whole lotta things to a whole lotta people. That's jest too difficult for yers truly to answer ya-know-whut-ah-mean, Vern? Vern Smyth-Nottingham, The Economist: Aren't you side-stepping the question? Ernest: l.ook-a-here. Vern. I'm a busy man. JmZQQK, Editor Randy Farmer. 'Managing Editor Stuart Tonkinson. Associate Editor Grant Parsons, University Editor Bryan Gates. n j Editor KERSTIN COYLE, City Editor JILL GERBER. State and National Editor Scott Fowler, sports Editor OEN1SE SMITHERMAN. Features Editor r Robert Keefe. torn Editor, ELIZABETH ELLENMrtf Editor ; DAN CHARLSON, Photography Editor Students pressing for divestment have been even-more vocal and havei done more to educate students about their responsibility for conditions in South Africa. As a result, only the most insensitive-of students can be unaware. of some aspects of apartheid. Divestment supporters have already announced a 9:30 a.m, march from the Morehead Planetarium to the Carolina Inn, where the Endowment Board will meet. Most importantly, students who have learned because of the efforts of the above groups should also attend the meeting, which will determine what is done in their name. Students can show how their consciousness of activities in South Africa has been raised. Thanks to both sides, they are able to make an intelligent, informed decision about divestment, and a high turnout by students for either side would be a clear indication of their commitment to ending apartheid. Because of the nature of a university, students often feel removed from the real world; today, they can show that it is possible for members of a university community to have consciences. It is imperative that, whatever course board members select, they do it for the right reason because they feel it to be the best way to ensure real, lasting change in a corrupt and immoral country. Any other reason would be a mockery of students who have been educated in their duty to their fellow men. . The Mr: T "You Ain't So BaaaacP Award: Col. Moammar Khadafy, for his ravings about American oppression The Hulk Hogan Half Nelson Retaliatory Award: President Reagan, for ordering the air raid to squelch Khadafy The Rodney Dangerfield Identity Crisis Award (or the Tweedledee, Tweedledum Award take your pick): Student Congress, for changing its name from Campus Governing Council The "This Is More Fun Than Humans Should Be Allowed To Have" Award: The revelers of Burnout, who have had so much the last two years that Chapel Hill Police may say it is too much fun The Sisyphus Memorial Futility Award: The NBA player assigned to defend Michael Jordan The Knee-Jerk Liberal, Pinko Commie, Filled with Superficial Cover age Daily Fishwrap Award: Your very own favorite campus newspaper, The Daily Tar Heel Congratulations to all the honorees. The award checks of undisclosed amounts are in the mail. Thank you, and drive safely. White Mouse TSis DsiiSm Lino and I aint got time to worry about no economical problems. That's up to the Office of Management and Budget, Congress, th' president and Ol'Taterhead. Vern Wordsmith, Washington Post: Who's Ol'Taterhead? Ernest: He's a buddy o' mine down south, Vern. He's real intelligent; he knows all about supply and demand, economies of scale, Laffer Curves and stuff lak 'at. Vera von Behring, Der Spiegel: What role do you think the Unjted States should assume . on the international scene?. Eldest: Vern, do ah ook lak some kinda werldly philosopher or somethin7 (Laughter in gallery.) I think if ever'one on this planet bought 'imself some Pine State ice cream, we'd all be better off. Ya-know-whut-ah-mean, . Vern? .- ; r-v';r"v '" Vera Benoit Ssinte-Maure, Le Monde: Do you know anything, Ernest? You're an awful '. bother to us all. . ; ;..--;; Ernest: Look-a-here, Vera, ya need to lighten up a little bit get ya some ice cream, pop yer feet up on yer hammock and ree lax. And that's the bottom line. Ya-know-whut-ah-mean? (Laughter in gallery.) - e.b. Msunidloinni selections fr om a "lyummaging through the bottom drawers of my temporal lobe. 1 came across some JSo.dusty thought fragments that never quite made it to oral expression. In the spirit of spring cleaning, I picked them up to make room for some exam storage space and tossed them in a folder tagged "Individual Ponderings on the . All-Important Trivialities of Life." Although you may have some similar pieces in your cabinets, too bad. I was the first to write them down. Here are some highlights, in their original state of formliness: The sound of fingernails scratching a chalk board is soothing compared to the sound of metal crunching. Especially when the metal belongs to your automobile. The best nights to go out always coincide with the nights that you know you should stay in to study but don't. . Every year about this time, some smarty pantsed ; namby-pamby dumps attic insulation hairs into all the washers and driers around Chapel Hill. It makes students nervous and itchy when they study for exams. Chapel Hill is dead in the winter. It is too cold to party or to play outdoor sports. It is a shame winter does not last longer. Sideburns is a funny word to describe hair on the side of a person's face. It sounds more like an injury received from sleeping on a grill. The word for sideburns in Swedish is polison gerna. It is a better word. The word for crayfish in Swedish is insjok raftor. Crayfish is a better word. Well call it even. Our generation is turning into a bunch of couch potatoes, hooked on shows like "Wheel of Fortune" and "Dallas." We should yield a good harvest of sofa yams. Grade point averages are inversely propor tional to the distance between the student and It's 4rae: Mr. I used to hate this Prince person of rock fame. I used to think he was nothing but a fake cashing in on the artistic ignorance of certain Americans. 1 used to think he was a dolt whose only claim to talent was a sporadic ability to invent a clever guitar lick. But I was wrong. I have since learned, quite by accident, that Mr. Prince, God bless him, contributes to our economy. It's true. My road to revelation began last Thursday. Determined to waste my time, I flipped on the tube and . . . Voila I happened across a rock video show perfect for wasting time. (I'm not a snob, mind 1 don't make nearly enough money to qualify for the honor but rock videos, like my feet, the ground and the People's Republic of China, are generally beneath me.) Anyway Mr. Prince, half-clothed and drip ping with axle grease, was flogging someone or some thing to the beat of his latest hit; Being more cynical then;: I had to suppress ; a laugh. "How the hell could American culture have assimilated such an idiot?" I asked my television. Suddenly, Mr. Prince, in the middle of his video, stopped singing. He looked straight at the camera. "Look, sir," he said, "that was uncalled for. Even rock stars have feelings, you know." I was shocked, not to mention confused. I always thought TVs were a one-way form of communication. . "Yes, I'm talking to you," Mr. Prince said. "Every once in a while one of you sofa yams comes up with a smart crack like yours." 1 didn't know how to respond. "1-I'm sorry, Mr. Prince." "Listen," he said. "1 know 1 look awfully silly in these videos, but youVe got to understand it's part of what 1 do, my raison d'etre even, if you will. I'd change if 1 could, but I can't. It's my duty to flog young virgins to the peal of electric drums before a nationwide television Terrorism 'in It's been awhile since anything's been written about Nicaragua, but it's still an issue that needs to be addressed, as the vote to aid the Contras has now gone to the House. I began researching this subject with an open mind, determined to learn the truth for myself. Tired of hearing everyone else's opinions, 1 wanted to see if of Ronnie was justified. Unfortunately, I was disappointed. Reagan's foreign policy regarding Nicaragua and I use the term foreign policy loosely clearly violates the 1973 War Powers Act and is an obvious attempt to control a country which is desperately seeking independence after more than 50 years of U.S. domination. The United States first exhibited terroristic tendencies in Central America in 1909, after Jose Zelaya, then the president of Nicaragua, announced that there would be a lessening of American influence in Nicaragua. When a revolt broke out against his rule, the United States immediately lent its support to the rebels and by 191 1, Belaya was driven from office. Adolf o Diaz then became president and called on the United States for military and financial support. Soon, U.S. Marines were stationed in Nica ragua and loans were granted putting Nicaragua under the firm control of New York banks for a while. A rebellion led by Augusto Sandino began to stir against the Marines in 1927. The United States trained a new Nicaraguan army, the National Guard, to help the Marines, and Anastasi6 Somoza became its leader in 1933. The rebels were soon defeated and Somoza had Sandino assassinated. In 1936, Somoza forced the current president, Juan Sacasa, to resign and the next year, he was elected president as the only candidate. The Somoza family ruled with U.S. cooperation until the mid-1970s, when rebellion once again stirred. Many of the rebels belonged to the Sandinista National Liberation Front (FSLN), a guerrilla organization named in honor of Augusto Sandino. By 1978, the conflict between the Sandinistas and the government had developed into a civil war and by July 1979, a victory for the Sandinistas. Somoza was forced to resign and then left the country. After taking over.the Sandinistas set up a junta for national reconstruction and dissolved the Tom Camp Editorial Writer teacher during class lectures. People who sit in the back also have the messiest rooms. First impressions are usually too impressive. Insects are the most enduring creatures on earth. The cockroach has been around forever. So has the Volkswagon Beetle. Those 'S-shaped' styrofoam curls used as packing insulation look like they should taste like puffed rice. The ultimate insignia of success is eating a Dove ice cream bar. They are reserved for letter athletes and students with a GPA over 3.6. They cost S 1 .85 at the Pit Stop. I once tried to purchase one of these bars. I was directed to the Chipwich section. Chipwich bars are only 75 cents, and anyone can buy them. Anyone can buy a Guinness Stout, too. But people know if you are just pretending. They cost $2.00 a draft at Molly Maguires. For something that only comes once every 76 years, you would think Halley's Comet could have put on a better show. In contrast to the abysmal failures of our space program, the hamburger industry made scientific breakthroughs this year. McDonald's found a way to keep the hot hot and the cold cold. In their research, they also discovered that people prefer crisp, cold lettuce to brown, wilted lettuce, as previously thought. Gel toothpastes do not clean as well as the original formulas, .and it is not that much of a task to squeee the tube anyway. There are two types of people at UNC. Those who are in relationships they can't get out of. Friece comMbetes to GNP Ed Drackctt Editorial Writer audience. "I'm reminded of the words of Thomas Carlyle: Do the duty which lieth nearest to thee! Thy second duty will have already become clearer.' " 1 had never heard a rock star quote a Scottish essayist before, so I started taking notes, figuring something important must be happening. "The thoughts of Bernard Baruch are also Nicaragua: Resigsum style Nicki VJoIco Editorial Assistant National Guard, replacing it: with a "people's army." In order to allow the country time to recover from the fighting, they declared there would be no elections until 1985 at the earliest. The Sandinistan government also includes representatives of other political parties. Although the government did take over key parts of the economy, the economic system itself mixes public and private ownership. In addition, it adapted many policies to help the poor and to stabilize the war-damaged economy. Since the Sandinistas have taken over, the illiteracy rate has dropped from over 50 percent to 1 2 percent and over 1 ,400 new primary schools and 35 public libraries have been built; pre viously, there had only been one national library. Vaccinations have virtually eliminated polio and malaria. The World Health Organization even labeled Nicaragua "a model country in health care." Reagan has said Nicaragua is communist. There are 12 legal political parties; over 70 percent of the economy is in private hands; all religions are tolerated; and radio and newspapers are nearly free of censorship, regardless of their viewpoint. Does this sound like communism to you? According to the current president of Nica . ragua, Daniel Ortega, Nicaragua is aligned with neither the East nor the West, but is seeking to be neutral. Ortega thus believes Reagan is seeking to crush the Sandinistas because he feels his control over Central American countries is slipping away. And perhaps Reagan is trying to crush the Sandinistas. Within months of taking office. Reagan cut off all aid to Nicaragua, saying the Sandinistas were providing weapons to rebels in other Central American countries. Soon after, he launched his campaign to aid the Contras. However. Reagan's accusation that the Sandi nistas arc aiding rebels in El Salvador is not entirely true. A former CIA analyst said dlpte caMiie4 And those who are out of relationships they can't get into. If all the laces were taken off Imelda Marcos' shoes and. tied together into one long string, it would stretch a distance of 3,000 meters. In 1979, Yevgeny Yavsyukov, the world indoor cham pion, walked that distance in 1 1 minutes and 31 seconds in Moscow. The best line in Monty Python's "Holy Grail" was delivered by Roger the Shrubber. He said, "Oh; what sad times these are when passing ruffians can say Ni to old ladies at will." Teachers always ask the question they said they would. It is always a surprise to students. The Undergraduate Library looks too much like a high school library. Davis looks too much like a hospital. The worst songs come on right after the announcer says that his station plays the best rock. He should wait to say this until after he plays a good song. Dogs never do it when you are in a hurry for them to. The pellets rabbits eat look like the same pellets they excrete. Who invented those sink knobs that press down instead of turn? The best you can do in a sink equipped with these is wet one hand at a time. Another bad invention is snooze bars. It is impossible to finish a dream in nine minutes. Wonder who decides who gets to write dictionaries. Tampering with the definitions of words people use everyday is a serious matter. Tom Camp is an almost-junior journalism major from Raleigh. Journalism is a good major for people who can 't use calculators. pertinent. A11 economic movements, by their very nature, are motivated by crowd psychology.'" I didn't get the connection. "In other words," he said, "I'm helping not only myself, but also by logical extension society by acting like a fool on national television. I inspire the millions who see me performing the duty which lieth nearest to me, singing and flogging; accordingly, my viewers are better able to perform their duties, i.e., their jobs. The U.S. gross national product, influenced by crowd psychology, is thus increased and tremend ously, at that." "Our economy is strengthened, and we are all better able to face the often harsh realities brought upon by the uneasy mingling of mankind and that most cruel of dictators namely, fate." Of course. Mr. Prince's role in society became a lot clearer to me. "Looks like youVe changed your mind about me," he said. "Good. Just thought I'd straighten this rock video business out." He walked back and cracked his whip. "OK, people! Let's get back to work. Places, everybody . . . virgins, let's see some emotion . . . Ronnie, could I have some more axle grease, please? ... all right, cue music I reviewed my notes and pondered the wisdom of this humble philanthropist. Perhaps no one in history could match his kindness, I concluded. From that day forward, IVe had nothing but respect for Mr. Prince. I buy all the literature I can about him, this good-Samaritan rock star and part-time virgin flogger. Now, when my friends condemn Mr. Prince, I counter with: "What did Ludwig van Beethoven ever do for the gross national product?" That shuts 'em up. Ed Brackett is a senior journalism major from Hendersonville. He is a world-class sofa yam. Nicaragua has shipped no weapons to El Salvador since six months before Reagan began supporting the Contras. In addition, the U.S. has violated the War Powers Act of 1973, which states that upon taking military action in the absence of declared war, the president must report the matter to Congress within 48 hours. In the past couple of years, the CIA, the Army, the FBI and the National Security Council have all violated this law. The CIA has fought directly against the Sandinistas and is responsible for the mining of some Nicaraguan harbors. The Army has aided the Contras by sending on soldiers on clandestine missions in Nicaragua which involve transferring Contras from one place to another. The FBI is also guilty. Director William Webster admitted the FBI had questioned about 100 American travelers to Nicaragua, and one G-man even seized and photocopied the diary and personal papers of one of them, a journalist. In New York, the FBI visited a law student after he attended a meeting on Nicaragua. There have been various other incidents, also. The NSC continued to give military advice to the Contras like advising them to use classic "hit-and-run" guerrilla tactics even after Congress explicity banned all aid to the rebels. Finally, the Contras are nothing more than a semi-organized bunch of ruffians. Their leadership is composed of many who served in Somoza's National Guard. Most have only a fuzzy idea of what they're fighting for. To demonstrate the depth of their ignorance, some actually believe they are fighting Yankee imperialism. But most believe they are fighting communist devils, or fighting on the side of Christ and the Virgin Mary. Reagan, in his never-ending quest to rule the world, (or at least Central America), has overstepped his rights this time. Not only that, but all the progress that Nicaragua had been making toward independence has been halted, and the people arc now lighting to keep their country.. The question is not. as Reagan said, whether we want peace or not. it's a question of right and wrong and Reagan's dead wrong. Nicki Weisensee is a freshman journalism major from Ixiurinhurg.
Daily Tar Heel (Chapel Hill, N.C.)
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April 24, 1986, edition 1
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