715
Joe Bob
from page 3
The Daily Tar Heel Thursday, September 24, 198
for midget pooting.
"Blood Hook": The guy that made
it says, "This movie will do for fishing
what 'Jaws' did for swimming."
"Blood Money": I wanna see it for
one reason and one reason only: "Love
theme sung by Frank Stallone."
Joe Bob says check 'em out
Communist Alert! Chuck Campbell
of Alamogordo. N.M.. says all drive
ins in town are KAPUT, even though
all anybody uses the land for around
there is to shoot down F-16s by
mistake. Remember, without eternal
vigilance, it can happen here. Get a
free movie junk in the mail through
Joe Bob's "We Are the Weird"
newsletter. Write: Joe Bob Briggs.
P.O. Box 33, Dallas. Texas 75221.
DEAR SIR: A number of people have
brought to my attention articles you
have written identifying the top 10
party schools in the United States.
In your articles you mention Northern
Arizona University with a particular
story regarding students in residence
halls drinking, pouring paint on a Hall
Director, etc
Although I certainly understand
your style and content to be humor
ous and for purpose of entertainment,
many people do not either under
stand or appreciate your statements.
In fact. I have had to respond to a
number of people who believe your
stories to be fact. This is a public
relations concern for our University.
If you continue to write such spoof.
I'd appreciate you saving my valuable
administrative time by clarifying that
your stories are neither fact nor even
widespread opinion. Your humor has
had a concerning effect on those who
read it and take it seriously. Don't
waste my time or others with your
lack of sensitivity to the serious drug
problem which exists amoing young
people today.
1 ASSUME you understand your
stories to be without fact. Perhaps
this is not a safe assumption. Let me
assure you that your use of reported
stories about NAU residence halls are
not based on anything close to fact.
In the future, please clarify your
intent and content of such articles
- before those of us weary of their
effect hold you accountable for what
is in print
Sincerely. EILEEN V. COUGHLIN.
DIRECTOR OF RESIDENCE LIFE.
NORTHERN ARIZONA UNIVERSITY
DEAR EILEEN: Buy a keg of Corona.
Stick your head in it. Breathe.
DEAR SIR: You must have a very
shallow understanding of the mean
ing of life to have made reference in
a recent column to "sitting around
on our rear-ends like the farmers do."
Please don't disparage this hard
working group who work their tails
. ; .'JEWELERS GEMOLOGISTS
Chain Repair ......... $500
ON MOST COLD CHAINS WHILE YOU WAIT
cood 92487 -10287
929-0330 in amber alley I57A E. Franklin St.
off to put the biggest variety of high
quality food on your table. After all,
where would the Dancing Bovina
Sisters be without our farmers. Surely
you must agree that the farmers have
been busy indeed keeping up with
that bevy of beauties. An apology
in bold type pleasel! KAREN
BETHEL DALLAS
DEAR KAREN: I'm sorry for savin'
the farmers sit around in their air
conditioned tractor cabs complaining
'cause Reagan won't sell more of their
com to Russia and pay 'em a big pile
of money to pile the rest of it under.
It's workin' people like that that
made this country what it is today.
UNWANTED SLEEZEBAG: You're
ugly, stupid, male chauvinistic, taste
less, rude and retarded. Your face
looks like it was a target in an all
nite archery contest and yo mama
wears K-MART bluelight special flip
flops that cost 25 cents (she found
them in a dumpster behind the U
B Cute clothing store in downtown
Tijuana). You're two-faced, crude,
shrewd and extremely cruel to anim
als (but we'll talk about your girl
friends later). Nobody likes you . . .
including that retarded slimesuck
Robert Osbourne on The Movie
Channel who uses stupid words like
'giddy' in his vocabulary.
You're over the hill, uneducated,
and have a sick sense of humor.
You're my hero. FELIX
PUMPKIN-HED. THE DUDE WITH
THE FUNNY HAIRCUT. EL PASO.
TEXAS
DEAR FELIX: Metal's been good to
you. hasn't it?
DEAR JOE BOB: We can't begin to
tell you what you have meant to our
relationship and eventual engage
ment Last summer in our "home
town" of Bonham we celebrated our
own "Joe Bob Briggs" day with hats,
T-shirts, and several photos in front
of the Bonham Drive-In. Thanks for
your humor and insight, and the
honour of your presence is requested
at our marriage. GIBB1E NEED
HAM. GREG FORGY. DENISON,
TEXAS
DEAR GIBBIE AND GREG: OK. for
a wedding present, I'll waive the
commission on the shirts. Go ahead,
enjoy it It's yours. Think nothing of
it. And you can have a 60-day
extension on the overdue commis
sions on the hats.
DEAR JOE BOB: A big howdy to
you. Is it true that some people have
tried to dry their pets off by placing
them in microwave ovens? Also,
could you take the Weekly World
News' pig-biting mad columnist, Ed
Anger, in a steel-cage death match?
Also, as an aspiring columnist how
can I make it into the big leagues
of print journalism? I wish you and
Man i re's
your column the twisted best
MIKE SPENCER. SAN RAFAEL CALIF.
DEAR MIKE: There's only one piece
of advice you need. Stop askin' so
many questions and MAKE STUFF UP.
That's what's made me what I am
today.
DEAR JOE BOB: The city of Lodi.
California, was immortalized in John
FogertyCreedence Clearwater Revi-
val's song "Stuck in Lodi." The song
only hints at how "Dullville USA" it
actually really is.
Anyway, I was flying American from
Atlanta last August to Oakland,
California, with a connecting flight at
the DallasFort Worth Airport. An
electrical storm caused a flight
cancellation. I turned a four hour
layover into a twelye day lay-over
riding on a "distressed passenger"
classification. My luggage was lost,
but American footed most of my bill.
They finally insisted I leave town and
put me on a flight with a 1st class
seat (with lobster dinner) to get rid
of me. Also had my own personal
flight attendant (her name: "Robin").
I swore "I will return." And I intend
to move to Texas soon. TERRY
WAWRO. LODI. CALIF.
DEAR TERRY: Apparently you
haven't examined the electronic
funds transfers made out of your bank
account during the 1 2 days you spent
Eto EXTRA LATE
7VJ
1
w
Tampopo
TUT CltWT A
int nrwi
JAPANESE
KC2DLE WESTERN
HELD C
OVER! kJ
9
I At W lTZ f"T 1 r X A FILM BY CLAUDE BERRI
1 $250 caiWKM KllTgt(tn.iaUBtt) .45 5:00 7:15 39
eiySF,,B,5SisQMidti Barton
z:zn (pg-13) II tki BIS EASY (R)
liM 5:05 7:C0 MO II 3:10 5:10 7:10 0
1 gS7rT,im niri1r,n,.-nnM.ri.,Mrin,rmnm.irl ,n,,W.Mmnnm.M,n-l . i -.ir.n.i.r, ,-B.BMI.-.lrtnM,TM.,r.mr,,WirniniMwnrm - .iinn.m rtliiYjll I " .
Vl".- i.:..,ii,.Hn,,::.ii,ii:,u,,,?- ,.u j.Ii,iJ.i,i,;:,--
in Grapevine. Texas, home of DFW
airport
It's the old "I'll bet this guy is from
Lodi" trap.
Before you go check, I'll just give
you one hint Robin's cut was $4,500.
DEAR JOE BOB: My hat goes off
to you, the best movie cntic since
the Ice Age. But I've got a problem
with you slammin' Salina. Kansas in
your articles. I'm not from there but
currently living near there in Manhat-
tan, Kansas. You gotta stop. It makes
me look like a NERD to my friends
in El Lay. PARANOID IN THE
LITTLE APPLE. T. WHEATLEY. MAN-
no VIM GOT
7:15 9:30
I im wii ratii i
mmi I
mi mm nmmm
7:00 9:45
7Wi
SHOWS FOR BOTH FILMS
v .::...l..uu:",".u
K
. IZSEEIIZEZJ
FRIDAY AND SATURDAY AT 11:30
NEWSWEEK SAYS TIME SAYS
"MAGNIFICENT" "ENTHRALLING"
"SUPERLATIVE STORYTELLING. DEPARDEEU
AND MONTAND ARE A DREAM PAIRING"
YVESMONTAND GERARD DEPARDIEU DANIEL AUTEUIL
lEANde
FLORETTE
ft -
i.
3 tflNTFK CTFBEO 5 OO 4-25 7:00 9:25 PG
HATTAN.KAN.
DEAR PARANOID: I'll print your
letter and set the record straight
That way nobody'll see the bunny
rabbit stationery.
HELD OVER!
6tElWigSC!
Being This Ad
FOR
Mon-Tues
sept 28-29
7:30 & 9:30 PM
One discount per coupon
Regular Admission '4
Ifs a "wonderful, charming,
hilarious and utterly
irrespressible film about you and
me. . .all of us who found life
after childhood. Ifs about
Srowing up, about parents who
kept screaming that we would
be the death of them and how
bad we felt the day they
died. . .Its about the secret
places we hid when the adult
world was more than we could
bear. . .Ifs about survival. And
ifs perfectly splendid."
Bill Morrison
News & Observer
Alilmby)
Losse HaH&mm
Swedish, with English subtitles
7:30 & 9:30 PM
Wknd Mat 3:30 a 5:30
COMING SOON!
John Sayles "MA TEW AN'
AMERICAN
WCAMCER
f SOCIETY
.Dog