The Daily Tar Hoe! Thursday, October 29, 19879
If you
play the stock market
take notice!
By JOE BOB BRSGGS
On the day everybody was losing
their britches in the stock market
investors in the Joe Bob Briggs Pari
Mutual Fund were holdin' their annual
convention in Twin Falls. Idaho, home
of our No. 1 performer of the past
year the Shiite Muslim Spare Parts
for Bazookas and Other Deadly
Weapons plant And you know what
WE did on that day? Partied away
every cent of our profits at the Twin
Falls Convention Center.
. You see. we here at the JBB PMF
never have panics, never have depres
sions, 'cause we follow one simple
investment rule: If it ain't illegal,
don't build it As a result we haven't
had a single bad year since 1968. and
that year it was only due to Czechos
lovakia LEGALIZING germ warfare
spray guns for all party members over
the age of 14, and so, of course, our
market dried up overnight Other
than that though, we have a pretty
decent track record. Like the
following:
1) We were the first to get into
disposable athletic supporters, airlift
ing them into Brazil in 1960 in time
for the Olympic team training, carried
out during the "sticky season."
Result: We SAVED 18.000 square
miles of Amazon rain forest that was
slowly gettin' eaten away by musk
odor.;
2) We supplied all Watusi rebel
tribes1 in Swaziland with Louisville
Slugger baseball bats beginning in
1972: and continuing right up until
the present resulting in a 78 percent
decrease in arms sale requests to the
Soviet Union and a 745 percent
increase in huge ugly knots on
people's heads.
3) In 1975 we opened the Swa
ziland Head Trauma Clinic in down
town Mbabane.
4) We were the first to sell AK
47 Kalashnikov assault rifles with
periscope sights for midgets.
5) We originated the Giant Blond
Huge-Breasted Doris Day Look-Alike
Escort Service in Tokyo, with branch
offices in
Osaka
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She's a dancer, she's a stripper, she's available and she's a face-eating mutant alien in "The Hidden"
10) The "Hey. What Would Happen Police dog from hell. US. senator
If We Called Up the Media and Started burned up like a Post Toastie. Head-
a Panic and Bought a Bunch of Stocks
Real Cheap and Made Everbody Look
Like Weenies" Co. I can't say
exactly what they do. It involves
importing olive oil.
Speaking of black holes, the star
on collision between Ferrari and
wheelchair (the Ferrari wins).
Tarantula-mouth spaghetti-face
slime transfusion. About a 22 on the
Vomit Meter. Gratuitous ghetto
blaster theft. Intensive care fu.
of "The Hidden" is a giant piece of Topless fu. Bazooka fu. Drive-In
pulsating outer-space caterpillar guts Academy Award nomination for
with teeth that can jump down William Boyett as the alien glopola
anybody's throat at any moment monster, for saying, "I need the keys
take over their human body like in to that Ferrari. Thank you. Bye": Kyle
"Invasion of the Body Snatchers" and MacLachlan. as an outer-space alien
rip the guts out of cops JUST FOR posing as an FBI agent for saying.
Teah. it s a little bizarre ; Claudia
THE FUN OF IT. Unfortunately, the
only cop available to try to hunt down
the slime glopola monster and blow
it into 10 million bacon bits is the
Yokohama. Kyoto and jveenie iram i-iasnaance. ana so we
get tnis menaiy outer-space alien
6) In the research and development witn a choirboy face who shows up
Christian, as the deadly outer-space
maniac in the body of a stripper, for
saying "You think it's over. You're
wrong. I'm not coming out yet";
Clarence Felder. as the outer-space
maniac in the body of a fat sleazy
cop. for saying, "How do you like me
HUMAN? Better than being Altai
rean": Michael Nouri. as the El Lay
cop. for surviving "Flashdance" long
enough to say. "Are we talking
spacemen here?"
Four stars. No. 2 on the Best of
'87 list right behind "Hellraiser."
Joe Bob says check it out
field, we invested approximately
$200,000 in a plan to cosmetically
alter the skin color of all South African
gold-mining executives from white to
black.
7) We sent a letter to Idi Amin
that said. "If you send us all your
money, you can be king again.
impersonatin an FBI agent and
showin' everbody how to ray-gun the
gizzards out of the maniac mutant
gut monster.
The best thing about this flick,
though, is the chase scenes some
of the best let's-see-how-high-we-can-flip-this-Porsche
car-chase crash-
8) We got the only contract for the and-bums ever filmed plus about
Just Say No campaign in northern
Colombia.
9) Our wholly owned subsidiary.
Obnoxious Pet Psychiatry, developed
a new technique called arthroscopic
laser cat lobotomies that can be
taught to laymen and carried out
from any open window of the house.
47 million rounds of automatic
weapons fire and a decent "Termi
nator" rip-off story.
No breasts. Thirty-nine dead
bodies. IV ripping. Toy cocaine
Ferrari. Exploding Ferrari. Shoplifting
zombie. Crowbar head-bashing.
Statue fondling. Zombie aardvarking.
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9
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natSawjnWiMfniiiiiniiw n urir anil
Mon.-SaL 9:30-6:00
Sunday 1-5
171 E. Franklin St.
929-7332
Fashion for Men & Women
plus
Exotic Gift Ideas
Wicker & Housewares
Joe Bob's Maiibag
Communist Alert! After 35 years,
the Oaks Drive-in in Paso Robles,
Calif., is dark. It opened on Sept 7,
1 950. with "Our Very Own." had 500
speakers and got bought a. couple
years ago by an out-of-state guy who
hasn't decided what to do with it
Weeds are takin' it over, but Bill Bryan
of the North County Tribune did a
nice article on the place and local non
Communist drive-in lover Robin
Carney could probly use a little
postcard help on gettin' it back on
its feet For a good time, call Joe Bob
at (800) 255-1779.
HEY JOE BOB. 'OLE BUDDY: Just
read your book and I figured you
needed a little pat on the back so
I'm volunteering. Good work, espe
cially since we don't get your column
in Phila. I've seen ALL those movies,
and 1 agree wyour reviews. Hey. your
book is great O.K., there, a true
.compliment Please do not let this
go to your head, 'cause your con
sciousness has apparently been raised
high enough, and we need you to
become a slobbering, intent-on-world-conquest
ego MAN1ACI
Whew ... '
So, being your No. 1 fan up here
in Philly, well, your only fan, probably,
thanks for the good times STEVEN
PORTMAN. PHILADELPHIA
DEAR STEVE: Naw. don't worry
about the ego deal. All I want is a
one-hour network TV show. All those
ambitious careers-ladder rat-race
people can KEEP eyerthing else. It's
not forme. 1
Friday, Oct. 30
Admission $ 1 50
7:00 8i 9:30
MISSION
HALLOWEEN SPECIAL
MIDNIGHT
The Hunger
Fri&Sat,Oct30&31
Admission $1 00
Saturday, Oct 3 1
7:00 & 9:30
WINNER
fi'.T'J Sh- ilmamura's
Xj"1 T AD OF
Sunday, Nov 1
7:00 & 9:30
sponsored by
Film Committee X-.
Tickets at Union Desk
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