Newspapers / Daily Tar Heel (Chapel … / Jan. 14, 1988, edition 1 / Page 13
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6The Daily Tar HeelThursday, January 14, 1988 Talking seminars with the Old Age Movement By JOE BOB BRIGGS My friend Chubb Fricke. the world's fattest ex-professional bowler, decided a couple weeks ago to start giving one-hour seminars over at the Bronco Bowl where he could charge people 250 bucks to tell 'em how to wear rocks around their necks and make noises through their nose like a Hoover vacuum cleaner. It's some thing he read about in Time mag azine. He calls it the Old Age Movement. "Let us not walk in accordance with our grandkids who never call." Chubb starts out while everbody is settlin' into their Lazy Boy recliners like beached whales. "Let us walk in the light of TV with the cleansing power of Bob Barker, who is Spirit and God." "And we?" the Old Age followers ask. "Whatta ya want?" answers Chubb, in the traditional form of the Old Age ceremony. "And we are Spirit and God as well?" "We are full of white-bread pro ducts and liver disease and inflamed colons, and there dwells the spirit of Old Age." "Heal us. Chubb!" 14.1. AlUiUSJUvn JltHjlfJilfl! 1 1 ' 7 7:00, 9:30, 12:00 FRIDAY, JAN 15 1. (ct Union Desk) DINED SATURDAY, JAN 16 7:00 & 9:30 Meet Me In St Louis Sunday, Jan 16 7:00 & 9:30 pick up complete Spring Film schedule at the Union Desk! "No. Rather we shall ascend Mount Shasta and examine our colons together. Repeat after me: I feel AWFUL today." "I feel AWFUL today." "I think it was the mashed potatoes." "It was the mashed potatoes." "I got to stop eatin those lousy mashed potatoes." "I got to stop eatin' . . ." "No! You are now kings in your own households!" "Yes. Master Chubb." "You are kings and you will reign as kings. You will watch the channel on the TV you want to watch. You will listen to the music you want to listen to. You will never leave the house when you DON'T WANT TO LEAVE THE HOUSE. And it is given to you to know why all these things have come to pass.". "Yes. Master Chubb." "Because you are OLD." "We are OLD." "You are so old you don't take guff off anybody. When the stock market plunges, you grin and say. 'Come take a look at this, honey, bunch of idiots in New York.' When Ramtha speaks, you respond. 'I got your Atlantis warrior right HERE.' And you are the chosen now. You are chosen to lead the multitudes toward the ultimate ! - ! ... i s i. vv ; '. ' " y ' ww.v jr l- ---" ? ' --" .-...:" v-:.:.v..v.v.-.':-:- -:-y.:. "i oWv --nv.v.-. v. -: vv-v.-. aN-: :?w JvMvw, .v.M.w.oxT:': ::-'.o:::o::. 1 v .;.-.;.r,v.v. ; r v, x ,j T - - "jJL-f v pi . , ;jt"5uTV. lK'1; -J' m , i.t .- . ' . , . - ; , J I Chapel Hill's New TV Basketball Connection Free hot dogs and chips (day games only) 75$ Draft Beer $1.25 "Carolina Kamikazis" 4 TV's including 2 large screens Multi-level seating CAROLINA TV BASKETBALL SCHEDULE Doors open one hour before tip-off. Lou Jacobi's underwear is only one of the reasons to catch "Amazon Women on the Moon" Queen of the Outer-Space Amazons. Sybil, the drive-in ripaway bra queen, is now a personal friend of mine ever since these guys at the cable network tried to FORCE me against my will to go to a convention in Anaheim. Calif., and so the only way they could get me to go was to promise to have Sybil there in a black leather micro skirt with her garbonzas stuffed into a snow-cone Amazon push-up bra. and so I showed up last week and we discussed her amazing drive-in career in front of a bunch of cable TV guys and then she told me all about how she was queen of the Amazons and that's basically how I ended up at the drive-in expecting to discover a new Sybil Danning classic. I don't know how to break this to you. Syb. baby, honey-pie. but "Amazon Women on the Moon" has a NEW drive-in breast-exposure champeen. a gal named Corinne Wahl that has two of the most enormous talents ever seen outside a special- UFO experience. Are you ready?" "We are ready. Master Chubb." "It is time then. It is time to build a giant spaceship. It is time to build it strong and silver and shiny. It is time to put Shirley MacLaine in it and point her at Uranus." "Now. Master Chubb?" "First your 250 bucks. OK. Now. Put the bimbo in orbit." Speaking of actresses who resem ble talking rocks. "Amazon Women on the Moon" is out I think it's been out a long time but I never could find it before now. I think cause John Landis was in court on the "Twilight Zone" deal and so the studio was SOOOOOO embarrassed but any how it's out now and it's made by all the guys that made the original "Kentucky Fried Movie" and it's basically "Kentucky Fried Movie II." only it has Sybil Danning in it as the nooooodfitd Thursday Jan. 14 . UNC at Maryland 9:00 Saturday Jan. 16 Virginia at UNC 9:00 Thursday Jan. 21 Duke at UNC 8:00 Sunday Jan. 24 UNCatNCSU 1:00 Thursday Jan. 28 UNC at Wake Forest 9:00 Saturday . Jan. 30 Ga. Tech at UNC 2:00 Thursday Feb. 4 UNCatClemson 9:00 Thursday Feb. 11 NCSUatUNC 9:00 Sunday Feb. 14 UNC at Virginia 4:00 Saturday Feb. 20 Maryland at UNC 2:00 Sunday Feb. 21 Temple at UNC 1:00 Sunday Feb. 28 ClemsonatUNC 2:00 Wednesday March 2 UNC at Ga. Tech 9:00 Sunday March 6 UNC at Duke 1:00 Fri.-Sun. March 11-13 ACC Tournament Thurs., Mar. 17 - Mon., April 4 NCAA Championships LIVE MUSIC! Every Friday & Saturday This Week January 15 Barney Pilgrim Michael Kelsh Blues & Country January 16 Heartwood Revisited Acoustic RockOldies & Originals 405Vi West Rosemary 933-5550 $3.00 cover NO ID effects laboratory. She's in a bit near the end of the movie where this guy named Ray gets sex-videoed to death and we can't talk about it in the newspaper. Sybil's part, where she leads these Amazon armies of high heeled bikini bimbos with cardboard spears, is a pretty decent version of the drive-in sci-fi classics of the 1950s, but basically we're talkin' some tame stuff. Anyhow, no plot to get in the way of the story. Sixteen breasts. Beer Fu. Garbage Disposal Fu. Stereo Fu. Bookcase Fu. TV Fu. (All Fu's include Arsenio Hall Fu.) Drive-In Academy Award nomination for David Alan Grier. as Don "No Soul" Simmons, the black guy who becomes a famous singing star recording "Tie a Yellow Ribbon." "Chim Chim Cher-ee." "Close to You." "Sweet Gypsy Rose" and "Jeremiah Was a Bullfrog." Four stars for the "Pethouse Plaything of the Month" sketch. Three stars for the Arsenio Hall exploding-apartment sketch. One star for a Michelle Pfeiffer deal about a lost baby. Two stars for a blind-date sketch with Rosanna Arquette and Steve Guttenberg. Three stars for a "Ripley's Believe It or Not" rip-off provin' that Jack the Ripper was the Loch Ness monster. One star for a Siskel-and-Ebert dealie. One star for a "Video Pirates" sketch. One star for a "Son of Invisible Man" sketch. One star for almost all the commercials, except the Sidney Sheldon novel ad. Four stars for the Corinne Wahl take-me-home video sketch. Four stars for the 1930s venereal-disease training film. And five stars for Rip Taylor, Henny Youngman. Slappy White. Steve Allen and Charlie Callas. for doing a rim shot funeral. Three stars about the same as "Kentucky Fried Movie." Joe Bob says check it out. JjgtusJJnn CHINESE RESTAURANT Qpf Chinese Gourmet Dinner Buffet Dinner All the SHRIMP, BEEF, CHICKEN & ORIENTAL ! n . , A A VEGETABLES You Can Eat jDUTTCl Plus Fried Rice, Essrolls& Dumplings EfSV & 11 i in mj I : with coupon only expires 13088
Daily Tar Heel (Chapel Hill, N.C.)
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Jan. 14, 1988, edition 1
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