Mara trapped in attic eats
Jimmy Hoffa found alive
in row Y of SAC page 77
speaks on bodacious
8 p.m. Troll's
Spewing pseudo-journalism and leftist propaganda to the University community for a helluva long time
Copyright 1988 The Daily Tar Heel
Watch your head:
squirrels and rabbits
Rain and hail. High 73.
tj if v'
Volume 666, Issue 666
By TEDDY RUXPIN
Animal rights activists and antivi
visectionists swarmed over UNC's
campus Wednesday, calling for
University recognition of a newly
formed animal support group.
The group, the Carolina Rodent
Action Support Symposium
(CRASS), plans to sponsor lectures
on raccoon abuse and Be Nice to
Chanting, "Hey, hey, ho, ho.
By MATT RIMONEE
Joe Bob Briggs will replace Chan
cellor Christopher Columbus Ford
ham III as head of the Southern part
of Heaven, Bob Eubanks, chairman
of the Chancellor Search Committee,
Eubanks crowed, "We asked each
candidates' spouse to answer the
following question: what is the
strangest place you and your spouse
ever made whoopee? Needless to say,
Joe Bob's 'lady friend' had some
pretty exciting answers, 1 tell you
"And she wasn't lying either," he
added, " 'cause Joe Bob guessed 'em
The scramble for a new chancellor
began last semester, when the Rams
Club, unsatisfied with Fordham's
performance, bought out his contract
for an undisclosed amount of money.
Chancellor Fordham said he was
pleased with the choice.
"Joe Bob is a fine individual and
I think he'll be a credit to the
University," he said.
Moving his head slowly around
(kind of like a scene from The
Exorcist or the statue of Abe Lincoln
exhibit at the Encot Center). Ford-
1 f r
ham said he plans to be bronzed and
placed in McCorkle Place. As "Silent
Chris," he would provide a compan
ion for UNC's homeless squirrel
By 2 GUYS NAMED DANNY
Who almost came to Carolina but instead went
to the Final Four
The basketball world was stunned
today by the resignation of long-time
University of North Carolina basket
ball coach Dean Smith. Smith
announced his resignation at the
Smith Center in front of another
sellout crowd of 21,444. As has
become typical for a Smith Center
crowd, there was no reaction in the
Smith said the resignation
stemmed from his inability to defeat
Duke University three times during
the 1987-88 season. Smith was quoted
as saying he realized that Duke
mentor Mike Kryzkzezwskzki was a
superior coach to him and that the
Tar Heel coach could not live with
being the bridesmaid of the ACC.
"As an example of Coach K's
ability, just look at Billy King," Smith
said. "Not only has Coach K taught
King how to shut down much slower,
shorter opponents, but he also
showed King how to hold himself to
3 points a game. Just amazing,"
lamented Smith, who looked quite
dapper in his charcoal gray suit and
muted blue tie, courtesy of the Hub.
Smith continued to bemoan his
fate at the hands (claws?) of the
"Coach K is the worst thing
to happen to me since Norm Sloan's
wardrobe. And that was all the way
back when people besides David
Rivers wore Afros," cried the now
almost incoherent Smith, nursing his
eighth cigarette of the half hour.
Smith, often noted for the caring
he invests in his players, discussed the
possible fates of current Tar Heels
raccoons are people too, y 'know," the
protesters formed a ring around
Davie Hall and demanded that all
monkeys and white rats be released
into the arboretum immediately.
"They've gotta do something
either let them go, or at least give
them a bath. Every time I walk by,
that smell ruins my day," said one
protester, foaming at the mouth
suspiciously. "Animals of the world
After using chalk to trace the
Fordham said he was pleased with
the plan. "Squirrels are fine individ
uals and I think they are a credit to
Briggs, a rabble-rouser and con
noisseur of feminine pulchritude, is
the author of a syndicated column
reviewing the arts. He is fond of
basketball, beer-swilling and aard
varking on roadtrips.
"He's kind of like FPG," a student
said once, referring to former chan
cellor Frank Porter Graham. "A real
gym-rat, who likes to hang out and
shoot hoops with the guys, or just
shotgun a few Schaeffer-lights."
During a press conference in the
Black Cultural Corner, Briggs dis
cussed the issues facing UNC and the
attributes that make this campus
great. He said: "Tan legs. Frat rats.
Gym rats. 23,637 breasts. Connor
Beach. Beer bongs. Minority recruit
ment. Study Fu. Ram Fu. James
Taylor, gone-to-Carolina Fu. ACC
Fu. NCAA Fu. No Sleep Fu. Pass
fail Fu. Fail Fu. Parking Fu. Expen
sive Textbook Fu.
"Oscar nominations: The Rams
Club for calling themselves the high
falutin' Educational Foundation;
J.R. for gruntin' and shoutin' on the
foul line; Jim Valvano for sayin',
'Wat, 'my sposed to get on the flooah
and shoot j's in mah tree-piece?' and
for being a 'tournament' coach; Dean
for bein' a chain-smokin' madman;
to defeat Dookies, loss of Dome
v '' I ' ' 'v. I
'' "iri " " ' y - r-nij
in the wake of his resignation. "Well,
I know Jeff Lebo is desperately
researching a cure for baldness, and
J.R. Reid and Steve Bucknall are
going to co-author a book on what
we like to call 'team dynamics,'"
Smith said, with a proud smile now
on his craggy visage. "Kevin Madden
and Ranzino Smith are going to open
a doughnut shop."
Smith also noted his dissatisfaction
with John Kilgo, current Carolina
Blue editor and host of the Dean
Smith TV program. "Even I turn on
the Jim Valvano show for a little
excitement," Smith said. "I mean,
c'mon, how many times can you listen
to a guy say 'That's a nice pass by
Buck'?" asked an incredulous
Smith also said that Smith Center,
which is an eight rather than four
sided building for obvious reasons,
would be turned over to Duke
Friday, April 1, 1988
outlines of rodent corpses in the Pit,
CRASS protesters held hands and
sang the version of "We Shall Over-
come" made famous by Alvin and the
Then, CRASS members carried a
raccoon-sized coffin to Chancellor
Christopher Fordham's office and
dumped a bag of nuts on his desk.
Fordham greeted the Drotesters
cordially and asked them what their
majors were. "You are fine individ
uals," he said. "I think your group
Clemmie Dixon Spangler for think
ing he could hide the name his
mammy gave him in a fit of rage after
he spit strained asparagus up on her
one too many times."
Briggs said he was backed enthu
siastically by trustee John Pope, after
he promised to boot all the pale, ugly
and or fat girls off campus. "Send
'em (the chicks) to Vassar," Pope is
rumored to have shouted in glee at
the news of Joe Bob's acceptance.
"We don't teach no womanly arts
Briggs also promised to make those
cold cups for fountain drinks the
ones in the Circus Room andlhe Pit
Stop, that glorify America and call
for capitalist triumph over the run
ning red dogs of Communist Russia
available to each student at pre
registration. "I like that," Briggs said, squinting
at the side of the cup about the lunar
landing. "... a tribute to the indom
itable spirit of America: doing it first.
And doing it right. It's catchy."
To assist him in his duties, Briggs
announced he would ask Lt. Gov.
Bob Jordan to be his Lt. Chancellor.
"Bob and Al Gore and I see eye
to eye on winnin' that redneck vote
in Eastern Carolina," Briggs said with
Chancellor Fordham said he was
pleased with the choice. "Bob Jordan
is a fine individual and I think hell
be a credit to the University," he said.
University as part of a "silly little bet"
Smith unfortunately made before the
season. "Yeah, it's true, I bet that
overgrown marsupial Coach K that
he couldn't beat me three times in
one year," Smith said, his face twisted
in disbelief. "I bet him a carton of
Camel Lights for the Dean Dome."
Reaction from the basketball
world was immediate and shock
filled. ESPN college basketball com
mentator Dick Vitale exDressed
disbelief. "The Michelangelo
coaching is hanging up his paint
brush!" said Vitale, before drown
ing in a sea of meaningless acronyms.
Duke coach Mike (you have to
spell my name to get into Duke)
Krykzzkewszkki was shocked yet
overjoyed at his team's new playing
site. "Yeah, we plan to rename the
Dean Dome the Mouse Trap, in
honor of me. I feel good since we're
moving into the building on a 5-0
record there in 1987-88," mused the
coach. "And of course, in keeping
with Duke policy, the entire lower
level will be student seating."
As for the future, some speculate
that Smith will be appointed chan
cellor to replace the retiring Chris
topher Fordham. "Ay'd much rather
have a homeboy like Deano than
those two immigrant's sons from New
Jersey" said an anonymous board
member wearing an "Apartheid is my
side" T-shirt. "Besides, Dean already
has a well-developed inferiority
complex regarding Duke University,
which is so key to holding a position
of responsibility at UNC."
Chancellor Christopher Fordham
said he was pleased with the choice.
"Dean is a fine individual, and I think
hell be a credit to the University."
Chapel Hell, North Carolina
will be a credit to the University "
CRASS presented Fordham a
letter signed by Ranger Rick, Rocky
the Flying Squirrel, Speedy Gonzalez
(the fastest mouse in all of Me-hico),
Thumper and Duke Coach Mike
Kryzkzzewszkki. (Mickey and Min-
nie Mouse refused to sign the petition
citing the Disney Corporation's
r- w v . Mil klllllC IL.l W 1 1 VV III! 11.1 I-
wing, radical socialist
The letter demanded that ALF, the
cm ori w j -rj n
JM on x t n n
oo oo X,if r; o crp-
w M T; s-r .
o iy . . . . . NCAASneak-a-Peek Photo
Steve Kerr dances at Opryland with Debbie Gibson andor Tiffany to the Oak Ridge Boys' hit song Elvira
Kerr nabbed by NCAA at Oorvland.
By ALLISON ALLISON
Daughter of a Stock Car Driver
The University of Arizona will
be without the services of star
guard Steve Kerr in this weekend's
Final Four after the NCAA
announced it was suspending him
for the remainder of the season.
The NCAA discovered Kerr
had been moonlighting at Opry
land USA in Nashville as a dancer
in the theme park's "Country
Music USA" dance show. The
NCAA investigation said Kerr had
been paid an undisclosed amount
to participate in the show.
"Country Music USA," now in
its 17th season, is a revue of
country music from the m 1920s
through the current charts.
An NCAA investigator, who
asked to remain anonymous, was
on vacation with his family when
he noticed Kerr participating in
"Hell, I was just enjoyin' the
show with my family when my
U NG shafts U2,
By MIKE RAFONE
For the second straight semester,
the Irish band U2 will not be booked
for the Smith Center because the date
the band wants to play falls during
the University's exam period.
"We're deeply sorry we can't bring
U2 to the SAC, but they always want
to play during our exam period," said
a Smith Center spokesman; "Besides,
(Sonny) Bono isn't the same singer
U2's guitarist, The Edge, expressed
his disappointment in a satellite news
alien life form, be named as Ford
ham's successor. "He's one of us, well,
not really, but he speaks for our
Fordham said he was pleased with
the choice. "ALF is a fine individual,
and I think hell be a credit to the
The petition also called for a
counseling office for rodents, free
rabies shots for squirrels and guaran
teed on-campus housing for rodents.
To attract more rodents to the area.
way out of the Final Four
oldest boy said, 'Dad, ain't that
the guy that plays basketball for
one of them teams out West?'
"1 told him they didn't play
basketball out West anymore, but
he swore up and down that he had
seen him on ESPN late one night,"
the investigator said. "After I
started digging a little bit, I found
out my son was absolutely right."
Kerr reacted to the news with
disbelief. "I didn't think I was
doing anything wrong. I love
country music. I love to dance. I
can't believe the NCAA would
penalize me for doing something
that means so much to me."
Kerr began to cry.
Arizona Coach Lute Olsen was
tight-lipped about the situation.
As he turned away from reporters,
he muttered, "If I'd known that
boy could move like that, I'da
made him a cheerleader."
Billy Tubbs, coach of Arizona's
first Final Four opponent Okla
homa, was noticeably pleased with
the news that Kerr's college career
cancels show for
conference from Dublin.
"We're awful sorry we can't play
in Chapel Hill," he said. "We heard
there were a lot of liberal protest
groups there. U2 was all set to pick
the most popular organization, wha
tever it may be, and then support it.
Not only would it help out some of
our long-haired liberal friends, but it
would also reinforce our image as do
gooders." Bono missed the press conference.
A spokesmen for the band said Bono
was sorry he missed a chance to
Wish Ron and Nancy Happy Easter(202) 456-1414
Donald Boulton, vice chancellor and
dean of student affairs, offered to
establish a Rodent Cultural Center
(RCC) at Davie Poplar.
CRASS spokesman Ginny Pigg
said that if the protesters' demands
were not met, more severe action
would be taken.
"If our demands aren't met before
the Easter Bunny comes, we will go
into phase three of our protest," Pigg
said. "And I can assure you it will
had come to an early, unexpected
"Now maybe Lute will have to
play some of those pinheads that
are always raising hell on his
bench," Tubbs said. "Well see if
those guys are still cocky after
Stacey King rams one down their
In a related development. Uni
versity officials announced that
Kerr would be the next chancellor,
since he doesn't have anything else
UNC-system President CD.
Spangler said he was thrilled with
the decision. "The man can sing.
The man can dance. He's a one
man fundraising show," Spangler
said, cackling in glee in his big
leather chair as he smoked a huge
cigar. "Our money troubles are
Chancellor Christopher Ford
ham said he was pleased with the
choice. "Kerr is a fine individual,
and 1 think hell be a credit to the
ramble and sound pretentious.
Since Bono was so upset about not
coming to Chapel Hill, University
officials decided to name him as the
When he heard the news. Bono was
moved. "I'm really thrilled to be
asked," he said with pursed lips and
knitted brow. "I hope we can get some
more political awareness courses for
Chancellor Christopher Fordham
said he was pleased with the choice
"Bono is a fine individual, and I think
hell be a credit to the University."
It's the end of the world as we know it. R.E.M.