12TheTar HeelThbrsdiy, Jurie 23198
Next Biruce Lee foreeb his Eirrfsh do 'Black Eagle'
Everywhere 1 went last week people
were coming up to me shoving
Penthouse in front of my face so I
could look at Debbie Murphree, the
little tattooed gal that taught Jimmy
Swaggart how to talk in tongues.
Shame on you people, and thank you.
Then I kept seeing Deb on the talk
show circuit, explaining how all she
ever wanted was the money, and I
realized what The Man Upstairs was
doing here. Deb, you may have
noticed, has got a face on her like
an ice-cream sandwich that's been run
over by a Texaco truck. The most
she could get out of Jimbo, one of
the richest guys in Louisiana, was 20
bucks. So the prostitution thing
wasn't working out for her. What's
left?
God wanted HER to have a giant
church in Baton Rouge. After all,
she's honest, she tells you the price
in advance, and she's got enough
spiritual knowledge to know you
can't preach about what your body
OUGHT to be doing cause as soon
as you do, it's gonna do the opposite.
She's a BORN evangelist.
I don't know what kind of papers
might have to be shuffled around the
Assembly of God grand wazoo
headquarters in Springfield, Mo., but
I think they oughta just hand her the
church keys tomorrow and let her rip.
The first text she could preach on
would be Penthouse 19:11, 108-122.
If there's anything guaranteed to
make you give up sex for a week,
this is it, especially page 115, which
is so terrifying that when the Pent
houses were delivered to Billings,
Joe Bob Briggs
At the Drive-in
Mont., 18 people had to be' treated
for acute stomach cramps.
"Yall looky here now," she could
say to the congregation. "These are
actual parts of my body. I know they
don't LOOK like parts of my body.
1 know they LOOK like parts of a
pork-sausage dinner that's been left
up on the dashboard of your pickup
in August. But someday, if you let
your brain keep thinkin about trying
to be holy, YOU will desire this. I
hope you realize, we're talking about
something that drunk sexual deviates
on Times Square would REFUSE.
But YOU will want it, because YOU
will be under the grip of the Swaggart
Demon. It don't stop there either.
After that youH be 'cruising for pork'
like a junkie, SEARCHING for
somebody that'll give you a quick fix.
After that, youU BEG to be chained
up and Jimmy-Deaned until you're
unconscious. And finally, youH start
having indecent thoughts about
Ralph the Diving Pig, the number
one tourist attraction in San Marcos,
Texas. Just think about it. Public
scandal and with a CELEBRITY
seen by 10 million people a year.
There's time, though. There's time to
repent. Here, lemme help you."
And when she rips off her clothes,
they'll all be down on their faces,
4 ,
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odidas
Sho Kogusi, moments before uttering his famous line, "YOU are a-grobbing at a-straws!" in "Black Eagle'
beggin for mercy. Believe me, it can't
miss.
Speaking of five-minute thrills,
"Black Eagle" just came out, starring
Sho Kosugi as a CIA agent who
agrees to interrupt his two-week
vacation for the sake of his country,
but only after the CIA kidnaps both
of his sons. MI don't do enough for
my kids!" he screams and then
agrees to dive into the Mediterranean
to search for a crashed F-lll fighter
plane that has a laser gizmo on it that
the Russkies are trying to get first.
Anyhow, when "Pray for Death"
came out a couple years ago, I
thought Sho Kosugi was gonna be
the next Bruce Lee, but a weird thing
happened he LOST his English
and started talkin like a Japaheeno
again. You can't even hardly under
stand a single word he says in this
1
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flick, except for, "YOU are a
grobbing at a-straws!" It's amazing,
like he stuck his head in a microwave
one day and FORGOT HOW TO
TALK ENGLISH.
Anyhow, he can still kickbox, and
so he does a pretty decent job in one
of those flicks where some director
started THINKING about the plot
so much that, by the time they got
finished with it, you couldn't figure
out what was going on. It's something
about how the Americans and the
Russkies are both trying to get the
underwater laser thingey, but they
also wanna kill one another or kung
fu one another's girlfriends, except
the blond CIA agent is not really Sho
Kosugi's girlfriend, she's just a piece
of furniture, and Jean Claude Van
Damme from "Bloodsport" is a
human killing machine that doesn't
even WANT the underwater laser
thingey, he just wants a chance to
mash Sho's head in with his toes.
Also, it's one of those flicks that's real
dark, like they forgot to take off their
lens cap when they were filming it,
and it's the only movie IVe ever seen
that manages to make the island of
Malta look like Catalina Island.
No breasts. Twenty-six dead
bodies. Motor vehicle chase. Two
exploding boats. The first scene I ever
remember of roulette ACTUALLY
played by Russians. Gratuitous hang
gliding. Gratuitous Afghanistan
desert guys with rags on their heads.
Kung Fu. Kid Fu. Bimbo Fu. Frog
man Fu. Drive-in Academy Award
nominations for Sho Kosugi, as the
finest Japanese-Afghani-American
ever portrayed on the screen, for
painting his body black, grabbing a
silver crossbow and a rope, and
exploding several dozen Russians for
world peace; Jean Claude Van
Damme, as the brutal Russkie KGB
murderer; Bruce French, as the
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