OrnnibusThursday.September 22, 1 9885
TV lineup finally
kicks off with
plenty of bad ideas
By JOS E03 CSIGCS
Now that the Writers Bilge
strike is over, we can unveil the
glittering fall TV lineup, starting
with the new "reality-based"
programming guaranteed to glue
your hiney to the Lazy Boy ...
"This is Not Worldna For Me!" a
new syndicated courtroom game
show, hosted by Chuck Woolery
for the defense, Judge Wapner for
the prosecution. People in lousy
relationships come before the
court to plead reasons like "he's
selfish and inconsiderate," "she
freezes up in front of my friends"
and "he refuses to meet my
parents," until Oprah Winfrey gets
fed up with the pleas and assigns
each contestant to a new sex
partner.
"The More Mary Tyler Moore
Show Again," starring Mary as
Mary getting mixed up in so many
of those, well, you know, those
Mary situations.
large" a 58-hour CBS miniseries
starring Michael Casne, Julie Chris
tie, Christopher Reeve, Pierce
Brosnan, Ben Cross, Richard Crenna,
Armand Assante, Charles Durning,
Meredith Baxter-Birney, Ned
Beatty and "Lou Cossett Jr. as
Levar." Each actor will dress up in
1930s clothes and stand on airport
runways in Switzerland, making
speeches with the word "destiny"
in them.
"Valerie Bertinelii Lives!" a one
hour tribute hosted by Frankie
Avalon and Stella Parton.
"Death Wish IV: The Series" in
which Charles Bronson is replaced
by Danny DeVito as a mild
mannered New Jersey architect
who cant stand it when his Ger
man shepherd is poisoned by a
Creek family down the street and
seeks revenge on their Russian
wolfhound by secretly tying dead
cats to his feet.
"The Comedy Store Improvisa
tion Comedy Tonight Stand-uo
Ye Olde
Dafflr Shop
173 El Firaftklin '
lip
Comedy Hour," featuring 74 hot
young new comedians a week.
Shows already taped include "You
know what really steams me?"
"Am l right?" and "So where are
YOU from?"
"We Dont Have AIDS," a three
day metal concert scheduled for
England's Wembley Stadium to
raise money for imprisoned Bia
fran leader Jimbo Gandhi, to get
a throat transplant for Neil Young
and to give Whoopi Goldberg
something to do that weekend.
"The Frank and Cathy Lee Show,"
a Sunday afternoon NFL pre-game
show in which Frank and Cathy Lee
Gifford sit in front of their Con
necticut fireplace and grin until
Frank gets the urge to poke her
eyes out with a True Value auto
matic pool-cleaning device.
"Cosby," starring Cosby, with
Cosby doing all the commercials,
and new episodes about how
really rich the Cosby family is, how
much richer and happier they'll get
this year, how successful they all
are, how much they love being rich
and successful, how the rich and
successful lifestyle makes them
witty and funny and happy, and
how every black child should aspire
to be rich and successful and witty
and funny and happy just like
Cosby.
And speaking of incredibly bad
ideas, "Not of This Earth" finally
made it to Texas, and its every
thing it sounds like it might ba
Trad Lords, child porn star, grows
up and makes an R-rated movie
with actual dialogue. Fortunately,
the movie is a remake of the great
Roger Corman flick from the 150s
about a space alien who comes to
earth, moves into a house in
Beverly Hills and collects blood to
send back to his home planet
Unfortunately, they cast Trad as
a human being.
Trad is the nurse that gets hired
by "Paul Johnson," the guy in
sunglasses who carries a silver
Wfle Shop
"Good Food No Yoke"
OPEN DAILY
Mon-Sat 7am-3pm
Sun 8am -3pm
FULL BREAKFAST LINE
WAFFLES, PLAIN & PECAN
EGGS ANY STYLE TERRIFIC OMELETS
PANCAKES GRITS
IIAM & SAUSAGES & HASH BROWNS
GREAT SANDWICH LINE
' - ... ?29-9192 .
Traci Lords couldn't wait
briefcase with him everywhere he
goes, to give him nightly blood
transfusions and spend her days
spilling out of her swimsuit by the
pool. But her boyfriend is a cop
who thinks its weird that John
son's house is like a roach motel:
they check in, but they dont check
out. Meanwhile, "Johnson" is luring
hookers down to his cellar for
"performances," then ripping off
his sunglasses so he can blue-beam-laser
the bimbos to death. Its one
of those deals where blue cartoon
light floats around their bodies
and then they drop dead on the
floor, then "Johnson" hooks up his
IV and has dinner. About the only
other thing he does is sit in his
study summoning outer space
aliens through a time warp and
talking to them with his mind. His
assignment: "the conquest, subju
gation and pasturing of Earth's
sub-humans." On second thought,
not such a big change for Trad
after alL
Thirteen breasts, induding some
of the most humongous ones in
recent years. Sixteen dead bodies..
One motor vehicle chase, with
crash and burn. Aardvarking.
Blood-sucking. Blue-beam laser-eye
-"Vv--.-.V V VjCO'
i t
N
I
v
'till she turned 18 so she could
zapping. Garbage sniffing. Vacuum
cleaner salesman used as firewood.
Hooker Fu. Doggie Fu. Transfusion
Fu. Drive-In Academy Award nom
inations for Rebecca Perie, as the
rabid pus-face space woman in an
aerobics suit; Arthur Roberts, as
"Paul Johnson," for saying "There
is no place for you to hide you
may conceal your person, but I can
find your MIND!" Trad Lords, for
pronouncing most of her words
and saying "Do you have a permit
for that gun parked under your
jacket!" Lenny Juliano, as Jeremy
the houseboy, for saying "God, l
hate cops that do Clint Eastwood
impressions" and Jim Wynorski,
the writerdirector, for putting in
the press kit that Trad is "a symbol
of America and a role model for
young women all over the world."
Three stars. Joe Bob says check
it out.
Joe Bob's Mailbag
Communist Alert! The NAACP is
trying to rename Forrest Park in
Memphis, tear down General
Nathan Bedford Forrest's statue,
and dig up him and his dearly
beloved Mrs. Forrest right out of
their graves. No, I'm not making
this up. The documents were sent
I I
. Hwy
start making R-rated movies
to me by Margaret Unn of Forrest
City, Aric, who reminds us to check
on our relatives' graves regularly.
Remember, without eternal vig
ilance, it can happen here. To get
free junk, "Joe Bob For President"
bumper stickers or the world
famous "We Are The Weird" news
letter, write Joe Bob Briggs, P.O.
Box 33, Dallas, Texas 75221.
Dear Joe Bob,
Dont you just hate people that
use the July abbreviation UuU?
What lazy scum would be in such
a hurry to use this?
Jason Villarreal
Dallas
Dear Jason
Someone who got so busy he
didnt finish everything in Jun. .
YoJoe!
One of your fellow Lone Star
staters is my alternate vote for
president: Ron Paul of Peace and
Freedom party. He's the only guy
besides you not backed by the
Rockerfeller bunch of bankers, and
he also has voted (as a senator)
the ways he SAID he would! Tim
Regehr says check it out!
TimRegehr
FremontCalif.
Dear Tim
Unfortunately, I'm opposed to
peace and freedom. Otherwise I'd
vote for him.
Come in for a live
demonstration.
SEAFOOD RESTAURANT
The cookm s timed in seconds.
54 at 1-40 493-8096-967-8227