OmnibusThursday, November 3, 19885
The Bodine sisters escape, but
By JOE BOS BRIGGS
Syndicated Writer
Wanda Bodine finally got back
In town from going to Law School
at the University of Arkansas
where she majored in "People That
Lose One or Several Limbs," and
after about a half hour of bawling
like a baby buffalo that got its
foot caught in a bear trap, I agreed
to take her and her little sister
Doreen to the mall to get some
Mexican buffet But what hap
pened is, after we ate dinner,
Doreen wandered into Mrs. Field's
Cookie store and ordered the
Macadamia Mount McKinley, and
by the time I figured out where
she'd gone, it was too late. The
Bodine Sisters, in case you haven't
run into 'em lately, now weigh
about 17,000 pounds each, and I
knew once they got into that
store we'd have to call the fire
department Doreen started suck
ing down bakery products like she
had a midget with a Hoover
vacuum cleaner in her stomach,
and when Wanda saw her doing
it, she just naturally sailed in.
knocking over three or four small
children as she did.
The rest of it you've probly
heard about on CNN by now.
Doreen and Wanda stayed in there
way past the time I could of got
'em out with color photographs
of giant burritos. And so by the
time we took action, they'd run
up a $984 cookie bill, not to
mention Doreen being so pumped
on sugar she was crushing an
assistant manager between her
thighs.
When the mall management got
there, Wanda and Doreen were
both slamming against the double
glass doors, trying to break free,
but it was that last 89 pounds of
macadamia that put 'em just over
the limit No way they were gonna
wedge through doors constructed
for the needs of mere 400
pounders. And, actually, l talked to
the mall manager, Clyde Spragins,
about it, and for a while we
decided the only thing to do was
harpoon both of 'em, hook 'em up
to an electric winch and just start
cranking. That's when the media
showed up.
Within 24 hours a team of crack
Korean plastic surgeons showed
up with plans to do quickie body
tucks on both porkers, then hose
'em down, oil 'em up, harness 'em
and yank 'em through the front
entry with a Nissan truck. But time
was running out, and we all
thought, "What if Nissan wont let
Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
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a Korean drive their trucks?" Every
15 minutes either Wanda or
Doreen would resurface at the
front of the store, chocolate chips
hanging off her chin, screaming
she needed some milk. The pres
ident sent a telegram: "Our pray
ers are with both Wanda and
Doreen, and with the rescue effort
I'm watching on television and
feel as the whole nation does that
our hearts have gone out to those
giant stuffed pigs."
Money and equipment poured in
from all over the world. The Red
Cross sent a block and tackle.
Ringling Brothers sent an elephant
trainer. It seemed like everything
else in the world had stopped. Only
Wanda and Doreen mattered.
Some Pottawatomi Indians from
a reservation in Oklahoma showed
up with chainsaws, saying they
could cut a path through Toys R
Us if necessary. Donald Trump
offered a wrecking balL
On the second day we got the
sad news that the assistant man
ager couldnt hold out any longer.
He passed away from the smell.
But the story ended happily. On
the third morning the Transamer
ica Company came through with
a guarantee that, whatever hap
pened to the double-strength
industrial glass Mrs. Fields swinging
doors, they would guarantee the
mall against lawsuits. Clyde gave
the signal: "Thar she blows!" But
nobody knew what that meant so
he gave another signal: "Get them
fat girls out of my mall!" And the
SWAT team exploded the double
glass at the exact moment when
the Bodine Sisters were circling
back into the kitchen to suck up
some more batter. There was glass
everywhere, then silence, we all
waited, and after the smoke
cleared, Doreen's left thigh bobbed
up through the debris and knocked
down a volunteer fireman. She
surfaced once, sounded, wagged
her rear end at her sister, and the
two of them started to waddle
their nubby little legs down the
mall towards J.C Penney's, slowly
beginning to get their strength
back.
There wasn't a dry eye in the
mall. I'm getting all choked up just
telling the story. And now I sup-
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pose my life will never be the
same.
And speaking of meat markets,
"Sleepaway Camp 2" just came out,
the continuing story of Angela,
who killed 30 happy campers in
part one because she was either
a) a boy raised by his mother as
a girl, b) a boy who was horribly
mutilated in a boating accident so
he thought he was a girl or c) a
girl. I never was quite clear on it
and, in fact, we've showed this flick
on my cable TV show four differ
ent times just to get viewers to
send in their opinions as to what
happens at the beginning and the
end. Of course we all KNOW what
happens in the middle: Porkchop
City.
Camp Arawak is closed down,
but Angela's done her two years
in the psycho ward, had a lobot
omy and a sex-change operation
and is now back in action working
with impressionable-young child
ren at Camp Rolling Hills. Her goal
in life is to make sure they dont
say any filthy words or rip off
their blouses except when it's
necessary to the plot When they
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happy campers don't
happy camper at "Sleepaway Camp
dont comply, she's forced to crush
their skulls with an oak branch and
drag their bodies into an aban
doned cabin so they can have
"Happy Camper" sing-alongs. Will
she get away with it? Will she
change sexes again? is she a boy
or a girl or just ACDC? We're
talking some serious Beanie wee
nie Fu.
And oh yeah, one more thing-.
Angela is played by Bruce Spring
steen's sister.
Twelve breasts. Fifteen dead
bodies. Heads roll. Power drill
through the head. Dead teenager
brains. Guitar-string strangulation.
Acid in the face. Ups cut off. Double
camper barbecue. Pathetic panty
raid scene. Gratuitous group sing
ing. Gratuitous Jason. Gratuitous
Freddy Krueger. Gratuitous Leath
erf ace. Gratuitous "Koom Bah Yah."
Leech Fu. Outhouse Fu. Drive-ln
The Road to Mecca
by Athol Fugard
Oct.26-Nov. 13
Co-produced by McKneety Communications, Inc.
Subscriptions sold out for Friday
All performances in the Paul Green
TicKets: 962-1121 Box office hours: 12-6 Mon
PLAYMM
REPERTORY
C O M
2.'
Academy Award nominations for
Valerie Hartman, as the loosest girl
in camp, for her two enormous
talents and for saying "Great,
thanks a lot - listen, you dont
have AIDS or anything, do you?"
Susan Marie Snyder, as dead
camper, for saying "I'll never
apologize! I'd rather die first.
Angela!" Renee Estevez (sister of
Emilio), as the shy whiny boring
good girl, for saying "She's so
popular! She's even a cheerleader!"
Pamela Springsteen, as Angela the
psycho for saying "No matter
what they say, boys like nice girls
I'm still a virgin and proud to
be one" and "What if I said that
l was sorry and that I wouldnt do
it again?" and "If I wasnt cured,
they wouldnt have let me out"
and "Goodnight, campers!"
Three stars. Joe Bob says check
it out
Meet Miss Helen, an aging artist who has
created a bizarre menagerie of sculptures
in her garden. Now she faces hostility from
a community that doesn't understand her art.
Previews and Sunday Matinees.
Theatre, Chapel Hill
P A N
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