Newspapers / Daily Tar Heel (Chapel … / Feb. 9, 1989, edition 1 / Page 13
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DTHOmriibusThursday, February 9, 19893 Neil Diamond and the attack of the lipstick lizards By JOS COS BRIGGS Syndicated Columnist There was this bet I lost back in 1976, when I was trying to get ownership of this trained attack pig that Wanda Bodine bought off of Jimbo Caruthers after his divorce from Randi Lynnette Car ruthers whereby they had to sell off all their farm animals to take care of their sleazeball lawyer Warren Randolph Scroggins. Jimbo ended up with all outstanding beauty-care debts, including a 50 dollar body-waxing job Wanda performed on Randi Lynnette when she was training for the Johnson County Rodeo in barrel racing. And so Jimbo couldn't come up with the cash, and so Wanda ended up with a 350-pound pig named Poilywog that would ram his snout through anything you pointed at with a bamboo stick, including ex-wives, and so I had to have him, and so that year Wanda and me made this bet on the Super Bowl that, if l won, I would get total eternal possession of Poi lywog the trained attack pig. But if she won which she did the stakes were even higher. I agreed to take Wanda Bodine to the Neil Diamond concert ever time he came to Texas for the rest of his or her natural life, whichever one ended first. in case you hadnt heard, he hadnt died yet. in fact, he rolled into Fort worth a couple of weeks ago wearin' a white parachute shirt with Liberace sleeves and foo foo shoulder pads cracklin' his Rosie all over the stage while about 17,000 Lipstick Lizards tanned their rooster necks from the glare off his trick britches. In case you havent ever seen this, those pants have got more sheen on 'em than oe Bob's. By JOS C03 C2ICGS Syndicated Columnist The pygmies dont want to be called pygmies anymore. They have a good point The men are four-foot-ten and the women are four-four, and theyYe SICK AND TIRED of these stupid stereotypes spread by ignorant people who think they are short. An incredibly tall spokesman talked about it to a National Geographic film crew, said that pygmy prejudice is ram pant, and made an international appeal by staring straight into the cameraman's kneecap and demanding that people stop mak ing pygmy jokes. I understand his point. I fully sympathize with the needs, hopes and aspirations of people who are . . . well, l started to say small . . . people who are . . . compact and dignified ... no, that's not quite it . . . people who are shaped by a loving God into the form He desires for them, a shape that resembles a giant Betsy Wetsy doll. the haircut on a Pentecostal preacher. When he finally gets to "Sweet Caroline," which is the part where I have to recite the Gettys burg Address in my head so I wont throw up on the Toni home per manent in the row in front of me, Wanda Bodine just about rips off her Playtex underwire support bra. runs it up a flagpole, and sends Neil some semaphore signals that say "Please let me into your hotel room so I can dance upside down on your clavichord." - But believe it or not, that's not the worst part, it's not even when he does "I Am l Said," one of the most profound songs in western civilization, thanks to the message of that song, which is "He said he is." And ifs not when he does "America" Or even "Song Sung Blue," which he was singing the same way in 1976 and ever year since then. I know what you're thinking, though. You're thinkin', it's gotta be the moment he does "I'm a Believer" and his gold neckchains reflect from the laser light show directly off the giant bald spot on top of his head. Nope. That's a definite highlight, but it's nothing compared to . . . "Forever in Blue Jeans." Now that most of you have already run screaming out of the room, ill reveal to the ones that are left that he shouts all the lyrics out in a voice that sounds like a professional sumo wrestler stomping on the larynx of Robin Leach while he begs for more interviews with Elizabeth Taylor. Fortunately, this is always the place where Wanda Bodine passes plumb out. "Beautiful noise, Neil baby," l tell him as I hoist her hiney into the bed of the pickup. The man's a genius. Wisdom One of the points they're mak ing is that pygmies are "normal sized" if you look at them in THEIR culture, where EVERYBODY is a pygmy. Of course, if we're gonna do that, we need to kick out the National Geographic film crews, also known by the pygmies as Giant Twit-Monsters From the North. One reason we think the pygmies are so short is that English guys in baggy sweaters and Hush Puppies are always standing around them making them feel like cockroach people. STOP TAKING PICTURES Of them. That'll help. And if you DO take pictures of them, take some Barbie Doll house furniture with you to make 'em feel at home in front of the camera The pygmies, unfortunately, arent the only people in the world suffering from mindless, ignorant cultural discrimination. Consider these cruel stereotypes: a The Irish are actually sober 20 percent, of the time, but does anybody ever write about THAT? A. . v...-:-' , i ' Hollywood Speaking of worldwide plagues that never go away, "Crime Zone" is a decent Roger corman flick about what happens to a young worker in a 21st-century hiberna tion factory where they freeze dry old people for six months to make 'em look healthy again, who gets a little too uppity, loses his job, and makes the Army mad by taking a slave-girl hooker home to his crummy apartment, making love to her without paying for it, causing a scene in a grocery store, robbing a hospital records building so he and his hooker girlfriend can escape to the land of Frodan, beating up his best friend, robbing a bank, machine-gun lasering a few on Parade b There are two Norwegians in Minnesota who do NOT wear baggy pants and scratch them selves in public Try to find THAT story in the national media. . b The French are actually very nice people. Most of them prefer that you do NOT leave a tip. They would be embarrassed to take your money, in fact, youH get better service if you do NOT tip them. b Italian women remain slender after their sixth child. a Okay, yes, it's true that Texans consume more Jack Daniels whis key than any state in America and more than any foreign country. But what you DONT know is that we also consume more Bloody Mary's AT BREAKFAST than any other state in America. So it kind of evens out, when you have ail the facts. a Koreans are excellent drivers. Most freeway accidents involving people named "Kim" are caused by guard rails that break off too easily. 0 f " . tJ vn . 1 t I ' -;: I- i I f starlets are cheaper in the "Crime Zone.' android cops, making friends with an old Russian guy who knows how to fly helicopters, killing his boss, taking some jewelry off hibernating old people and having a lot of conversations with David Carradine in the rain. Sure, we've all seen this story before, but have we seen it with 1,000 Peruvian extras in shiny silver space suits? I think not. Two breasts. 24 dead bodies. Two motor vehicle chases. Excel lent whorehouse special effects. Freeze-dried Miami Beach whale meat. Gratuitous condom vendor. Gratuitous zit-faced lepers. Kung Fu. Shoplifter Fu. Laser gun Fu. Twisted metal Fu. Drive-ln a Mexicans are perfectly capa- ble of electing politicians who arent crooks. Look at Tomas Javier Pena, mayor of zapatano, a village of some 34 people in the north- eastern corner of Tamaulipas. The man has never taken a bribe in his life. Do you see HIM on "Sixty Minutes"? - a People in Colombia hate cocaine, in fact, if a man comes into a restaurant and someone thinks he's about to pay for his SteSoSS of wine, they wont even sell it to him. This drug thing is blown all out of proportion It's just the action of a few meanies that nobody ELSE will have anything to do with b Swedes are not blond any- more. They USED to be blond, but people made fun of them for being blond, and they're sick and tired of it. Most of them are "undark," and they would appreciate it if the international media would adopt that terWfo'r'Swedish hair 1 " mi r a Academy Award nominations for Michael Shaner, as the maniac best friend that shoots everybody in sight, for saying "Old friends last FOREVER!" Sherilynn Fenn, as the scrumptious prostitute Helen, for advertising her services with the line "Choose your fantasy"; Peter Nelson, as Bone the rebel, for saying "You dont know HOW bad I want to pull this trigger right now" David Carradine, as the Big Brother bad guy, for saying "If you dont have criminals, you have to invent them" and "Sorry about your friend it's only business." Two stars. Joe Bob says check it out. a Germans stopped being stocky in 1957. it was a carryover from the Nazi era, but since that time stockiness has been outlawed in all states except the one that recently elected 11 right-wingers to Parliament. You can tell they're Nazis because they're stocky, in fact, there werent any Nazis in Germany. There never were, it was one of those stereotypes the world WANTED to believe about them. -NobodymBangispoor. Tne Russians hate vodka, And' of course. we could 9 on and on witn tnis' DUt ,et me ,eave vou with just one thought. Think of tnis tne next time vou're about to make some mindless cultural or ethnic jokes that's based on nothing more than your own distorted view of the world: People used to say all Americans could joke about one another without taking it personally, Obviously, this was a cruel
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