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Jon Bon Jovi, teen-idol and big
hair rock star, will be the 1989
commencement speaker, spewed
Dook Student Body and Jovi Fan
Club President Tomas Semen, who
is from Pissquataway, N.J., in a press
conference Thursday.
"Jon, I can use his first name
because I started the fan club, is the
perfect speaker for the Dook gradua
tion. I mean, he is from Sayreville,
N.J., which is like a shrine in The
Garden State, and because most of
us are from Joisey, we will be able
to understand his accent anyway.
Right now, I am so happy and Living
On A Prayer," Semen
spurted. Soon after the announce
ment, thousands of Dookie co-eds
rushed to the Durham Revco to
purchase Ronco Hair Crimpers. "We
want to like tease our hair because
that is like the way all Joisey girls
like wear their hair and also because
Jon is like so sexy and smart that
like he must know how hair should
like be worn," slanged Tina Tran-
ay
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Queen, Dookies sport cellophane unitards
quilli, who is from Ramapo, N.J.
"I cant wait for the speech. We
are all going to scream like so loud.
He is soooooooo cute, I just love his
butt. Oops, dont print that because
I don't want my mom, who lives in
Secaucus, N.J., you know where
all the outlets are to read it," spat
Gina Petrocelli, who like, her mom
is from Secaucus.
Bon Jovi and his hair were reached
for comment in Asbury Park, which
is on the Joisey shore for you out-of-state
readers, where they was
hanging with Southside Johnny and
the Boss.
"Hey Dookies, IH Be There For
You because You Were Born To Be
My Baby," said Jovi, who likes to
talk and sing in cliches. "Lay Your
Hands On Me, I am Wanted Dead
or Alive because I am a Runaway.
The theme of my commencement
jingle, I mean speech, will be Love
is a Social Disease so you should stay
In and Out of Love."
One person not pleased with the
graduation speaker was tobackey
airess Doris Dook, who is not from
New Joisey, obviously. Dook recently
adopted 35-year-old flower child and
free-love advocate Moonbeam
Heiffer, who also is not from New
See Jonnie page 12
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fl a $
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Jon Bon Jovi says, "Lay your hands on me."
Faoiry, .Queen' share'
care amd! Vase loo e
maoir
ByEmmaTure 7 : 7
7 When I ran out of mousse
Seniors Danny Fairy and Queen
Snyder certainly are a fun pair. last week he lem me his
Whether it s hanging out in their '
room sharing a good laugh about t
Alaa Abdelnaby's grade point aver- jar 01 Vaseline which he
age or trying to pick up girls on .
Chapel Hill's Franklin Street, those
two are always having a blast.
Said Fairy of his roommate and
best pal, "He's the main reason I
chose not to go pro last year. Well,
besides the fact that those big guys
in the NBA might hurt me. My
always keeps handy under
his bed."
Queen Snyder
'I have the utmost resnect
relationsnip witn vjueen is cerxainiy Danny-boy, Queen continued
a special uiic.
Queen agrees that he doesn't know
what he'd do without Fairy. "Danny
boy is always there in my time of need.
Like when I didn't get the part of
for
4He
has something that I just haven't been
able to find in mv career at Dook
: basketball talent."
But these two studs are more than
just good people they're team
leaders. Just ask Christian Laettner.
Peter Pan in the school play, Danny the freshman responsible for losing
said he knew I'd never grow up, and the Arizona game and making the
he really made me feel better. And ACC look bad. "Danny-boy and
when I ran out of mousse last week, Queen took me aside after that game
he lent me his jar of Vaseline which and told me not to worry about it
he always keeps handy under his and enjoy the moment. They said that
bed.". . ; . , . next year, once. they're gone, Dook.
may never again be close to beating
a decent team. IVe decided to live
for the moment, never to look back,
keep my head up and keep reaching
for the stars. Ever since that conver
sation, I've been a new man!"
Laettner cried with jubilation.
In their free time, Queen and Fairy
love to road-trip to Chapel Hill to
look at good-looking girls. "Some
times on weekends, a few real girls
come to Dook to visit. But normally,
when we want something more than
a4'10", 160-lb. biophysics major from
Newark, Carolina's the place to go.
Ooooh, they're sooo hot? Fairy
moaned.
Asked of their plans upon gradua
tion, Queen and Fairy became
solemn. "IH go on to play in the NBA
for Daddy's Washington Bullets, and
Queen plans to pursue a bodybuilding
and hair styling career back in his
hometown of Mercedes Island, Wa..
ItH definitely take some getting used
to not seeing his boyish face when
I wake up every morning," Fairy
lamented.