DTH Omnibus Page 3
Thursday September 7, 1989
SA WIHIATT
mmmmmmm
fin back in Chapel Hill, and Tm
killing small animals with my bicycle
I bought a mountain bike yester
day. I know, I know, it's just my
way of being a hip conformist, but
hey, this is Chapel Hill, remember?
Anyway, I was riding my old piece-of-shiftless
aluminum, out-of-date 10
speed to class the other day when my
back tire suddenly got like Jesse Helms
and started spewing a lot of hot air,
prompting me to kiss a tree. At that
moment I knew I had a pretty good
reason for getting a new bike.
Mountain bikes are great, every
one says. You get one and suddenly
you're riding all over the place, even
places you're not supposed to ride,
like front lawns and cemeteries. You're
riding through the woods, under huge
oaks and over small animals, through
creeks and into huge oaks, picking
up dangerous ticks infected with Lyme
disease. And on campus, every eye is
on you as you whiz by on your way to
do hip things like going to class, and
Here he is
Once my friend Ugly-On-A-Stick
found out she was preg
nant, she asked me to take
her down to the doctor to get her ba
bymaking equipment checked out,
and when she came out, she looked
like somebody'd run over her face
with an International Harvester
wheat combine. Of course, her face
normally looks like somebody bull
dozed it with a Panzer tank division,
so this was an improvement.
"You're just radiant ever since you
got pregnant."
Compliments mean a lot to a
woman, even if she does look like a
pool cue with legs.
"I thought the reason I've been
throwing up three times a day was
morning sickness, but the doctor says
I've been drinking too much Corona.
I asked him if I could limit myself to
three six-packs a day "
"God! How could anybody live on
that?"
". . .tut he says I've got to go cold
turkey."
"We'll get you into Raleigh Hills.
Who do you wanna accuse of being
the father so we can convince him
to pay for it?"
"Well, the Gonzalez brothers never
have had any money. Better go with
Jimmy Bohannon."
"Does Jimmy Bohannon have
money?"
"No, but he'll find some just to
keep people from finding out he had
sex with me."
"Somebody had actual sex with
you?"
"How do you think I got preg
nant?" "I know, I know. I guess it was just
something I blocked out of my mind
until now. Don't mention that part
John Bland
every mouth utters in awe, "Get outta
my way, ya $&!"
And they're great for your health,
too, unless you plummet down the
side of a hill at 40 mph. You can get
out in the fresh air and cycle all day
long, doing great cardiovascular
things, turning that beer gut into 100
percent potential muscle. So who
cares what it costs, because you're
getting in shape, and you can't put a
price tag on what? It costs how
much? What does it do, evade Soviet
radar?
Of course, the most difficult part
of buying a mountain bike is scrap
ing up the dough. The second most
difficult part of buying a mountain
bike is choosing from the hundreds
sexist, offensive, and
Joe Bob Briggs
1?II11
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V H t P
of it again, okay? I'm willing to help
you out with this, but there are some
things a man just can't stand to think
about."
"Okay, Joe Bob, I won't mention
Jimmy Bogannon in a Biblical sense."
"Thank you, Ug."
"After all," she said, "I'm damned
ugly."
"Yes you are."
"You're the only one that under
stands me, Joe Bob."
Speaking of people with enormous
self-respect, "A Man Called Rainbo"
just came out the only Sly Rocky
Rambo movie I'd never seen. In 1973
Stallone made a hippie flick called
"Rebel" that was so bad they actually
gave Sly words to say. Then some
degenerates in Hollywood said, "hey,
what's a cheap way we could exploit
the fame of Sly Rocky Rambo?" and
so they bought the rights to "Rebel,"
threw out the soundtrack, re-edited
it, shot some insert footage, hired
some voices to do a whole new script,
and created a story about how Sly
infiltrates a hippie terrorist group by
promising he'll help start World War
III. Sly's plan: he'll take a box full of
dog doo-doo to the Russian
ambassador's porch and set it on fire.
Unfortunately, Sly suffered brain
damage when he listened to an Alvin
and the Chipmunks album 39 times
in a row, backwards, and now every
where he goes in his groovy platform
shoes, he steps in dog doo-doo him
self, ruining his chance to make love
and thousands of models, even though
the one you buy will look just like
everyone else's. Questions to ask
yourself before you go into a bike
shop are: Should I get aluminum,
steel or titanium? How am I going to
explain this to my dad? Is my credit
card over the limit? What's really
wrong with having a 10-speed? Did
Batman cost this much? Will my
schoolwork suffer because of the four
jobs I'll need to get to pay for this
damn thing? How am I going to ex
plain this to my dad? Should I have
my head examined? What's the capi
tal of North Dakota? How many
Canadian provinces are there? How
much wood would a woodchuck
chuck if a woodchuck could chuck
wood?
While you're in the bike shop, don't
get talked into buying something you
really don't need. If it comes with a
depth finder, ask yourself if you're
going to use it for fishing. If the an
4 jk
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if
2 '
Sly Rocky Rambo, age 12, demonstrating the acting style that would make
to the rich hippie girl with long
straight hair who makes porno jew
elry. Meanwhile, Richard Nixon has
sent a robot disguised as a black revo
lutionary to infiltrate Sly's hippie
terrorist group, but Sly is too busy
doing the Hokey Pokey with a top
less blonde porker to notice.
In other words, a whole lot of plot
getting in the way of the story. The
best parts are watching Sly go through
the full range of emotions: deadpan,
deadpan with raised eyebrow, dead
swer is yes, then by all means get it.
However, wheels might come in
handy, so be sure you get them. And
let's face it, microwave ovens are
convenient, but not in heavy traffic.
Of course, none of this means any
thing if you've got the willpower of
jelly. Like me.
Also, you're going to need a bike
lock, because if you don't lock up
your bike it'll disappear faster than
an American in Beirut. The best lock
for a mountain bike is a large safe,
preferably made of high-quality steel,
with laser sensors and a siren loud
enough to wake up an econ class in
Carroll Hall. Unfortunately, a safe is
rather difficult to drag around cam
pus, unless you put wheels on it, and
then it might drag you, especially if
you get anywhere near Hillsborough
Street. Therefore, a U-shaped lock
that doesn't look like it could hold
grease is probably your best bet. If it
comes with an alarm or deadly spikes
obnoxious as ever
pan with quivering lip. There's also
a great sequence where Sly drives his
VW Beetle down the interstate for
about 20 minutes, staring dramati
cally through the windshield.
Two breasts, sort of. One motor
vehicle chase, sort of. One car crash,
sort of. Tongue ripping. Bra burning.
Shoe-sniffing. Microwaved Pillsbury
Doughboy. Exploding building. Coo
ties. Nose rolls. Excellent Dr. Gene
Scott parody. Awful Siskel-and-Egg-bert
parody. Walter Cronkite parody
tipped with cyanide that shoot out
when messed with, all the better.
Once in the store, you will be
approached by a salesman. Do not be
intimidated1. This is a normal occur
rence! Just because he comes up to
you is no reason for you to buy any
thing! You do not have to make a
decision! You don't have to buy any'
thingl
After you buy your Stealth bo ,
uh, mountain bike, you will suffer
from a mild guilt trip, which I like to
call the "post-buyem depression." The
best cure for this is to call "Women's
Secret Confessions" to help take your
mind off it.
Of course, since you spent so much
money on it, you can't possibly ride it
because it might get scratched, so it's
better to lock it in the attic, right
alongside your Colecovisibn and your
BMX. Or you could frame it and hang
it over the mantle. But, remember,
the whole point is to just enjoy it.
1 " '
-wV 'It n
him immortal, in 'A Man Called Rainbo'
so bad it sounds like broken plumb
ing. Scratch 'n Sniff (you don't wanna
know). Gratuitous dog doo. Gratui
tous Hokey Pokey. Gratuitous
"Monopoly." Afro Robot Fu. Nixon
Fu. Drive-In Academy Award nomi
nation for Sly Rocky Rambo, show
ing the style that made him famous,
for wearing a mood shirt and saying
"I may not be crazy, but I'm stupid."
A movie, sort of.
Two stars.
Joe Bob says check it out.