Page 8 DTH Omnibus
Thursday September 7, 1989
5
ean to the
eft
The Opponents: Who they
are and why we despise them
By DAVE GLENN
Special to Omnibus
As the 1989 football season wears
on and your patience is wearing thin,
and it's still too early for you to start
bragging about your school's basket
ball team, try to remember one thing:
If you can't laugh at yourself, who
can you laugh at?
Even though it looks as if this year's
Tar Heels may not be the laughing
stock they were last year, that won't
stop opposing team's fans not to
mention the traditional Tar Heel
bashers across the nation from
taking advantage of a once-in-a-life-time
opportunity to ridicule the pres
ent state of a traditionally successful
program. Try to keep a stiff upper
lip.
When they say something deroga
tory, just remember The Plan. The
Plan is relatively simple. When that
obnoxious fan is demeaning our team,
put on your best mischievous grin,
glare into the eyes of the perpetrator
and nod your head as if you were
Stallone saying, "You're the disease,
and I'm the cure." They hate that.
But, getting back to our original
premise: If you can't laugh at your
self, who can you laugh at?
Why, the other team, of course.
Since it's the beginning of the sea
son and we're all a little rusty at it, I
switched into my "Sick and De
mented" mode for about three days
and came up with a starter kit of
sorts for the Tar Heels' six home
games:
Virginia Military Institute, Sept.
9 First of all, this team is in what
they call a Division I-AA league. The
double A is actually an abbreviation
for All Applicants Accepted. It's like
McDonald's, only it's a football team.
They'll take anyone and everyone
they can get their hands on, throw a
few pads and helmets on them, and
tell them to show up On Saturdays at
the stadium.
:.- ...
Forget high school All-Americans.
This team is made up of a bunch of
war-hero wannabes who like the idea
of some R&R on the weekends. It
doesn't matter, though, because they
play teams like Western Carolina and
East Tennessee State just so they
can skip geography class. They even
have the unmitigated gall to sched
ule games against a couple of high
school sweethearts (William and
Mary) and some kind of one-man
traveling circus (James Madison).
Heck, if the Tar Heels played teams
with only one or two players, they'd
do a whole lot better than VMI did
(2-9) last year.
Navy, Sept. 30 Fans can really
get into the act at this one. It seems
that the Midshipmen often have a
problem with offsides penalties at the
line of scrimmage. They're so used to
standing at attention when somebody
yells 'Ten Hut" (That's what it sounds
like, anyway) that they stand straight
up and salute as the opposing team's
line drives them halfway back to their
aircraft carrier. They've lost a lot of
games that way.
They also have a real leadership
problem on this team. Everybody's a
captain. You know: too many chiefs,
not enough Indians. Of course, they
do play hard and you know why
if the Tar Heels are ahead late in
the game, start screaming in a sing
song, second-grade tone "You're going
to the brig, you're going to the brig."
It really unnerves them.
Wake Forest, Oct. 7 Don't be
fooled by Wake's 7-4 and 6-4-1 rec
ords the past two years. They're ter
rible. They don't know the differ
ence between the end zone and the
ozone.
Their very name is a contradic
tion in terms. Wake Forest, the religion-oriented
home of southern
Baptist students, and Demon Dea
cons, which I guess is a combination
of Father Murphy and Jason from
Friday the 13th.
This team can't even decide
whether they're from Winston or
Salem. Talk about indecisive.
They're lonely. They're confused.
They have no direction. So when
they come to Kenan Stadium, start
yelling "Let's go Deacs." That'll re
ally screw 'em up.
Clemson, Nov. 4 Interestingly,
the Tigers' success in football may be
tied to their lack of success elsewhere.
Example: In years when head coach
Danny Ford's wife was not pregnant,
Clemson won 80 percent of its games.
When she was pregnant, the Tigers
won only 50 percent of their gomes.
So, when you say it's a must for the
Tigers to "get off to a good start,"
you're not kidding. "We want a Ford" ,
is a possibility.
Also, with possible probation pend
ing, think up a few ingenious cheers
regarding Clemson's, well, less-than-intense
attitude toward academics.
Of course, you might want to stick
to one-syllable words for these guys.
South Carolina, Nov. 11 For
mer South Carolina coach Joe Mor
rison died of a heart attack in Febru
ary. There is no truth to the rumor
that he is still alive, traveling the
Orient with Elvis, and sending back
satellite messages to new coach Sparky
Woods.
Don't worry about cheers for this
one because there is absolutely no
way that a guy named Sparky can
beat a guy named Mack. Everybody
knows that guys named Sparky should
either be managing baseball or work
ing as a mechanic in a garage some
where in California.
Duke, Nov. 18 Talk about
tacky. The Dookies sent out football
cards of their players and they didn't
even include any bubble gum.
Included, however, is their new
quarterback, Billy Ray, whose name
is going to make you think the sound
n your television cut off. Never trust
"; ' II
:: .
Congratulations Ms. Maryland, it's a bouncing baby turtle!
people with two first names.
Speaking of names, in an informal
poll of Duke undergrads, only 6.9
percent of respondents could name
Duke's head football coach Steve ...
uh, Steve ... you know, the guy who
won the Heisman Trophy about 80
years ago.
Anyway, one thing the Dookie
footballers don't remember proba
bly because they never learned is
The Art of Defense," something they
might have to take at UNC this year.
:
j ' -misi-'.' - . 1
2- I
Of course, with the amount of time
Dook "students" spend in Chapel Hill
bars, that shouldn't be a problem.
So forget about records for now,
and take out any frustrations you
might have on the intruders who show
up in Kenan Stadium on Saturday
afternoons. By entering your home,
they've lost all rights to a fair trial.
Anyway, making their lives a liv
ing hell is much more productive than
beating your dog.
Try it. YouH like it.