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DTH OKmibus; -Page 3
Thursday April 12, 1990
Erik & Tom take a stand on the literacy thing
"Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet in hen
drerit." Julius Caesar
t's as true today as it was when
Caesar said it 3,000 years ago.
Just ask any 7th-grader. He'll
tell you what it means. Or he
would if he weren't culturally
illiterate.
It's an epidemic of frightening
proportions.
Kids just don't know anything
anymore. Kids used to take stuff like
Latin and Greek
and What Quan
tum Mechanics
Means to Me.
Now they take
crap like Wood
shop, Typing and
The History of
Rock'n'Roll.Real
pansy courses, if
you ask us. (For
those who were
wondering, no
body did.)
If it doesn't
have Teenage Mu
tant Ninja Turtles
in it and it isn't
sugar-coated, they
just aren't inter
ested. And if our
so-called "Educa
tion President"
doesn't get busy,
we'll soon be see
ing a big sign on
the Statue of Lib
erty: "Welcome to
the U.S., a wholly
owned subsidiary of Yamaguchi
Wunderhafen Heavy Industries."
Barbara has the right idea with
this wacky literacy kick.
"Now, Bar, about this literacy
&
2 Martini :
J Guys
thing," we can hear George mum
bling from across the family table
while he munches down his broccoli-free
breakfast. "Now, you know
Latvian Independence and You
' ' 1 2 .
The Beltway c
5th Avenue ? 4 fflnffiffj
. , .,,. cjj Sunset Blvd.
Lrctic i ' 1. Deaver leaves White House
ln,n 2. Meese leaves Justice
UL ea1 ' ' Department
v ) Wake r " I 3. Deaver enters General
C Vr4 1 Dynamics, receives locked attache
m 7 ) case from Chinese dignitary
f Y -rr-v, Atlanta J 4. Meese arrives Howard Johnson
: : ? I J Maryland Pkwy.
V v T- D 5 Deaver enters Space Shuttle
V YEMEN VrMinniehaha Atlantis
y j 1 . ' 1 I 6. Bush meets Bar for BroccoliFest
Ulan luncheon; delivers key-note
Ba,0V V address
1 - -;- :" i 7. North sells arms to Iran s
I'm a little short on the Vision Thing.
Help me out there."
"Let me try to put this into terms
you'll understand, dear," says Bar.
"Literacy good. Illiteracy bad."
"Vision, Bar. Vision," says George.
"Prudent. One step at a time. Stay
the course. Reading is fun a fun
damental. Seems somebody said that
once. Popular saying. Good for the
polls. Seventy-two percent approval
rating, Bar. High. Highest ever."
"I know, dear," Bar says, a sly smile
on her lips. "But I think you need to
start taking a stand on this issue."
"Now, Bar. Stands have been
taken. Look at the broccoli thing.
Don't like broccoli, Bar. Said so. Told
everybody. Approval still high. Feels
good. Farmers loved it.
Simple. Honest. Not
afraid. Tough, Bar.
Tough but prudent."
Bar is concerned.
"I know what we
need, George," she says.
"We need more money
for the American edu
cation system."
George is not con
vinced. He knows what
we need:
"Turtles, Bar. Not so
old. Mutated. Changed.
Not the same. Like pizza,
Bar. Martial arts. The
whole shebang. Big with
the kids. Kids love 'em.
High approval rating."
"George, you remem
ber what Caesar said
about the Teenage Mu
tant Ninja Turtles? He
said ..."
". . .Lorem ipsum, Bar.
Lorem ipsum. True then.
True today. Or was it
3-m Guys Graphic 'Et tu, DonnatelloV "
Speaking of small amphibians your
mother wouldn't let you date, Lewis
Grizzard, the sleazoid columnist who
takes cheap shots at redneck women,
is fleecing the innocent public to
the tune of 1 5 bucks a pop tonight to
listen to him ramble and prattle on
about his Southern eccentricities and
personality disorders.
The oft-divorced Grizzard had no
comment on his latest scam (proba
bly 'cause we didn't bother to talk to
the man). Figures he'd play Cameron,
though. All those Dookies probably
camped in line
overnight for the
chance to hand this
charlatan 15 bucks
of their parents
hard-inherited
money. Serves 'em
right.
Before you read
the next paragraph,
which is wholly
unrelated to the
preceding para
graph, we would
like to take this
opportunity to as
sure you, our viewing public, that
your capable pilots, the 3 Martini
Guys, shall deftly tie all these loose
ends into one neat little Freudian
knot by the end of this column or
your money will be cheerfully re
funded, no questions asked. But wait!
There's more ...
Education could learn a lot from
USA Today.
. What we're talking about, of
course, are infographics. If educators
would just learn how to display in
formation with the stunning clarity
Kmmmt
of a USA Snapshot, our illiteracy
problem would be licked.
Take the one on the left, for ex
ample, explaining the current situ
ation in the Baltics.
Or the one below, explaining just
why drugs are bad for you.
What we're trying to say here is
that kids today aren't simply cultur
ally illiterate.
They're visually il
literate. And why
are they visually il
literate? Because they
don't watch enough
television. Millions
of American chil-
dren go to bed each
night without
watching a single
minute not one
1 single minute of
prime-time televi-
MI&inGiate SlOFl-
The 3-M Guys have heard the
cries in the wilderness. We have re
sponded, and we have a solution1.
To ensure that our generation will
not be the last, we must start now to
ingrain within ourselves the good
habit of watching at least six solid
hours of TV each and every night, so
we will be able to teach our chil
dren. If we don't do it, how can we
expect our children to?
It's not too late.
TV listings start on page 12, boys
and girls. Let's get crackin'!
Pop quiz! Hope you're awake
!"1 t's' Easter already and I haven't
seen one of those damn Cadbury
chicken-bunny commercials yet.
What's the television indus-
frv rnmincr rn?
i 1
I tell you what I have seen, though.
I've seen a commercial about toilet
paper with baby lotion on it and real
people gushing about it and rubbing
it all over themselves.
This is disgusting. The whole idea
of using greasy toilet paper is disgust
ing. I don't want to delve any further
into this because I'll probably wind
up getting myself into deep s .
As I watched this commercial, I
thought to myself, "Where did they
find these people?" Then I realized
how stupid it is to think to yourself
in quotation marks like that so I
stopped.
Seriously, though, do they go door-to-door
and ask? How could you ask
a total stranger a question like that?
"Excuse me, ma'am, but I'm from
the Charmin company, and we want
to know what kind of toilet paper
you use and if you find it comfort
able or not?"
John Bland
n. " " ' "ai34 -------
Could you answer that kind of
question? With a straight face? Could
you HEY! ARE YOU PAYING
ATTENTION? BECAUSE
THERE COULD BE A QUIZ!
honestly look the questioner in the
face and say, "You know, I've never
really given it much thought..."
Of course you haven't given it
much thought! It's a disgusting thing
to think about! You should be
ashamed of yourself if you've even
thought about thinking about it!
It's bad enough having to answer
that question to a total stranger at
your door, but imagine answering it
in front of fourteen million people who
are busy watching America's Funniest
Home Videos.
It's sick; it's disgusting; it's per
verted; it's American; it's beautiful.
I'd do it for a dollar.
And now, for those of you who
were not paying attention, we re going
to have a little quiz to help refresh
your memories1. Books off your desks,
hands at your sides, pencils ready.
Begin.
1. What do you say when someone asks
you, "What kind of toilet paper do you use
and why?"
a. "None of your damn business."
b. "Charmin, because it's soft, fluffy and
makes me feel all squooshy. "
c. "Sandpaper, because I'm into pain."
d. Hack her to death with a kitchen knife.
2. Who won the presidential election of 1934?
a. Franklin D. Roosevelt
b. Amy Grant
c. Nobody. There was no election in 1934,
idiots!
d. Hack her to death with a kitchen knife.
3. Why is this stupid column running this
week?
a. It's Pulitzer-prize winning material.
b. It's Pulitzer-prize winning material.
c. It's Pulitzer-prize winning material.
d. It's Pulitzer-prize winning hacking her to
death with a kitchen knife.
The answer to all questions is, of
course, "e. Belgium", so everybody
have a nice vacation and I'll see you
next week.
A Taste of Chicago
Chapel Hill Style.
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