14BThe Daily Tar HeelThursday, June 28, 1990
KIT IW
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JORDAN LAICE-CROSSWINPS MARINA
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ysagixttsagff M inim i inn i !
windsurfers & sailboats
call for reservations & info, now!
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VNC Students, Professors & Employees
ISick of Renting?
Ql Do you live or work in Chapel Hill?
:Q: Is your annual income below average?
0 m. tf r- n r I . ...lr.l
L.an you pay 0DUUmonin TOr noUSingr lOO Adelaide Walters Street
I A: If you answer "Yes" to all these questions, then you can probably
?: qualify to own your own New Single Family Home in Chapel HUH
'
6 B Adelaide Walters Street
! There are only three homes
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sale. Thirty-two homes have already
been bought under this program.
:, So you must act now.
:Call Sandi Isler today at Capricorn
:;,Isler Associates, for more information.
Call 688-0850
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Through a special financing program sponsored by the Town of
Chapel Hill, you can now own a home in The Neighborhoods or.
Tandler, with a mortgage payment that can be as low as $500 per
month(taxes and insurance additional).
HOUSEHOLD INCOME GUIDELINE CHART FOR
(80 OF AREA MEDIAN INCOME) EFFECTIVE JANUARY 15, 1990
PERSONS IN MAXIMUM ANNUAL .
HOUSEHOLD
GROSS INCOME
$23,450
26,800
l
2
3
4
5
6
7
30,150
33,500
35,600
' 37,700
39,800
left for
EQUAL HOUMNS
OPPORTUNITY
11
The Town of Chapel Hill will provide a deferred second mortgage for between
$21,676 and $26,676 depending on your qualifications.
NO PAYMENTS DUE ON SECOND MORTGAGE UNTIL THE HOME IS SOLD.
Up Your
The history of UNC
Some of you people have been writ
ing in here saying that my columns
aren't serious enough. Some of you have
even gone so far as to say, "Get the hell
off these pages or we'll firebomb your
new VW."
I can take a hint. I don't need to be hit
repeatedly over the head with a Louis
ville Slugger to catch your drift, although
it does give me one hell of a rush. I don't
need to be yelled at and stepped on like
the dog I am to see what you want. You
want smart. You want astute political
commentary. You want intelligent
analyses of world affairs.
Hey, I can't do miracles.
But okay, just to satisfy you retent ives
out there, I'll give you intelligent and
astute and some other big words. I'll
give you analyses like you ain't never
seen before. I'll give you straight news
and maybe, just maybe, I'll give you a
free case of Turtle Wax, 'cause that's just
the kinda guy I am.
Here's your political commentary:
Gov. Jim Martin is a ninny.
There. Now you can't touch me,
because if you do, you're obstructing
my right to free speech and free press
and free opinions and a whole bunch of
other free stuff the Supreme Court is
p
100 Rain Tree Lane
New
John Bland
X. '' jj'Mj I
about to outlaw.
So there.
(Editor's note In case you haven't
noticed, and you'd have to be blind not
to, John has discovered how to make
italics. He does this by pressing the
'Control' key and the letter V at the
same time. We've removed both of these
keys from his keyboard, so the problem
should be corrected. Thanks for your
patience).
As was say ng, astute pol t cal analys
s s my m ddle name. (Actually, my m
ddle name s Harr ngton, but for the sake
ofths story, '11 let t be Astute Pol t cal
Analys s.) Pres dent Bush, a close per
sonal fr end of m ne, has told me several
tmesthat ought to run for off ce. told
h m that Hey! What the hell's go ng
on here! Where are my "s! can't wrte!
Sht!
That ' s better. I ' ve told them not to do
that anymore.
So. Now that I've gotten that intelli
gence out of my system, I can go back to
writing about my other favorite subjects,
but I've been told that this issue is being
mailed to incoming freshmen, junior
transfers and graduate students (grad
students need read no further. You've
had your astute political analysis,
dammit.)
I think the first thing we ought to do
is get acquainted. Hi. I'm John. I'm an
Aquarius, 42-34-36, and my turn-ons
include Daffy Duck cartoons, romantic
escapades on water slides and beer. My
turn-offs include Republicans, people
with no senses of humor and that little
stringy thing that hangs from my mouth
Freshman year: an extreme version
Dear Mom,
Well here I am in my fourth week at
Carolina and I finally have the where
withal to write home, but don't think it
is easy, because I feel like I've been
mentally treading water in a vat of Mrs.
Butterworth for the last month. I arrive
here clueless as the wind, and it's taken
me so long to figure out what stuff like
"cross-listed prerequisite" and "pro
rated refund" meant that I haven't been
able to figure out how to open my dorm
mailbox.
When Dad and I pulled up in front of
my dorm on the day I moved in, my
mouth dropped open. It's called Hinton
James, and it sort of looks like the
building where they stored all the bod
ies in the movie Coma. Architecturally
speaking, it can be compared to an X
wing fighter with 10 floors, built during
the late '60s, a testament to how ugly
student housing can be and still have
running water. Apparently it's named
after the first student ever here, a dude
that walked here from Wilmington, so I
guess you have to credit Student Housing
for providing a realistic almost-like-you-were-there
re-creation of his light
year walk to class.
Inside, it's not bad if you had an
unlimited meal card and the ability to
subsist on Ding-Dongs, you could
probably go without ever leaving.
There's a snack bar on the ground floor
that specializes in student impulse, so
they have every candy bar, food color
ing and polysorbate chemical known to
man. There's a law here I can't figure
out that says that by living in the dorm,
we have to have a meal card with a
bunch of money paid on it whether we
like the food service or not you also
need a little card to copy anything, so I
guess pretty soon there'll be a manda
tory Xerox meal plan too.
The bathrooms in my suite are okay,
as long as you're not an intervenous
toilet paper user. When there is toilet
paper, it's locked onto this thing called
the Sav-Haf holder, a dispenser invented
by a dyslexic engineer who woke up in
the middle of the night with the vision
that if you couldn't get any toilet paper
off the roll you would certainly be saving
a lot of it. The toilets are, of course, from
our friends at Quiet-Flush II a toilet
so loud that I'm sure it sets off the
seismograph over in Raleigh per
sonally, I'd love to hear what the Quiet
Flush I sounded like.
Thomas Andrew Smith is my room
mate, and he is about as fascinating as
his charming moniker. He's a sopho
more, and he didn't even show up until
the first actual school night; around 1 1
o'clock he bashed through the door,
Crook's Corner
610W. Franklin St., Chapel Hill NC
929-7643 Reservations accepted
I r & .
acccording to John
after I brush my teeth.
(Okay now it's your turn).
Hi. I'm (your name here). I'm a (as
trology sign here), (measurements here,
and if you don't know them I'll be
happy to find them for you), and my
turn-ons include (list three). My turn
offs include (list three).
So nice to meet you, (your name
here). "
Now that we've gotten those intro
ductions out of the way, let me give you
the whole history of UNC in a couple
paragraphs.
The University of North Carolina
was founded in 1790-something or
other, or maybe earlier, or maybe later.
It was founded by a dude named
McCorkle, who got real bent one night,
wandered into some woods, and puked
his guts out. He then looked down at his
upchucked lunch and said, "This will be
the site of our first state university," and
then he passed out. Legend has it that on
cold nights when the moon is out about
three-quarters you can still see him,
hunched over on McCorkle Place,
heaving. Usually, though, it's just drunk
frat boys named Todd coming back
from Thursday late-nights at the SAE
house.
The first student, a kid from
Wilmington named Hinton James,
walked the two hundred miles from his
home to Chapel Hill, then was told to
walk over to Carr Building to get cashier
clearance, then over to Steele Building
to get his dean's approval, then to Hanes
Hall to turn in his pre-registration, then
back to Carr because he owed 62 cents
on a library book, then back to Steele,
then back to Hanes. By the time he had
turned in his completed, corrected
freshman registration he had already
graduated. So he walked the two hun
dred miles back to his South Campus
Ian Williams
Wednesday's
Child
plopped down an idustrial-size fan and
threw a Remington 12-gauge shotgun
on the bed. He took a look at my poster
of Beethoven and said, "Mmmph."
That began one of the most special
and rewarding relationsfiips'l've ever
enjoyed. Here are a few choice examples
of our male bonding:
"So, you're from Edenton..."
"Mmmph."
"You like hunting, huh?"
"Ungh."
"You use Crest! Wow, so do I!"
"Glurb."
From four weeks of close psycho
logical inspection, the only brain waves
that I can pick up from Thomas is that
his sole hobbies in life are reading back
issues of Guns and Ammo, and seeing
how long he can go on one pair of socks.
Perhaps I needn't mention that the room
doesn't exactly smell like a stroll through
a spring garden, but as long as the Lysol
doesn't run out I don't think we're
breaking too many health codes.
Actually, Thomas is a breath of fresh
air compared to my suitemates, who I
think go out of their way to make sure I
have the Southern Experience. The guys
next door chew amazing amounts of
tobacco, which in itself doesn't bother
me, but Mom I swear to God, one of
them has saved every bit of spittle he's
created since mid-August. His oral
refuse now fills three two-liter bottles,
which stand proudly on his shelf illumi
nated by the fluorescent light so that his
whole room is bathed in a brown aura.
He also gets drunk every weekend on
Ol' Grandad and sings the "Go Ba
nanas" cheer at the top of his voice until
the RA can't stand it anymore. To be
fair, they're really nice guys, but they
make California seem like it's on an
other planet.
Classes here are great; we talk about
Gregorian chants in Music class, and
orgasm in psychology I try to slice
open a sorority chick in fencing, and
then paint her gentle visage in Art class
it beats the hell out of the trigonometry
bile I had to swim through in high
school.
Academically I think I'm fine, but
sometimes it's hard to tell when I'm
sitting in an auditorium where I can
Fine Southern Dining
Open at 6:00 for dinner.
Sunday Brunch 11:00 - 2:00 pm
ill
dorm, packed his bags, and left.
Things went smoother after that, until
a little incident called the Civil War,
also called the War Between the States,
or the Blue Vs. the Gray, or the Sugar
Bowl. UNC students immediately re
alized the seriousness of this, and some
even lost their lives running the hundreds
of miles to the Canadian border.
It was during this conflict that UNC
got the nickname we still use today..
While watching a basketball game be
tween UNC and Syracuse, Gen. Robert
E.Lee, despondent over Carolina's play,
said, "Look at them damn North Caro
lina boys. They look like they're play-,
ing with tar on their heels!" And sure
enough, they were, because Syracuse
had laid down a fresh coating in the.
visitors locker room, causing Carolina's,:
sneakers to stick to the court. The team:
lost, 98-77, despite a season-high 34
from Michael Jordan.
After the war was over, million of
Yankees, called "Yuppies," poured into
the decrepit South. They came in droves,,
in Volvos and in Saabs. They bought
out all the good pool halls and turned
them into "billiardsparlours."Then they !
went and did something so nasty that;
we here in the South don't even like to
think about it:
They applied for admission to UNC
And they got in.
They brought their Volvos, their J.
Crew sweaters, their annoying accents.
They brought their yogurt shops by the
ton. They got in the best fraternities,
took over the best bars, and, worst of all,
they got the best women because they
had all the money!
It was around this time that a bunch
of journalism students got together and
decided to start a newspaper. It was to
See JOHN, page 15B
barely see my professor. There are more '
people in my astronomy class than were
in my entire high school graduating
class, and sometimes I feel like my
social security number is going to be the
only thing that sets me apart from all.
these other kids. Which is basically the
only real problem I have here; I'm an
out-of-stater who came here not know
ing a single soul, and now I watch my
classmates giggle and scream about the '
things they did on the weekend with all
their friends. Although I' ve met so many
people, I haven't found my niche yet, so; '
I wander the Pit alone and sit by myself
in the back of the dining hall. Carolina '
is an amazing school with flowing fields '
of grass and flowers, huge stately trees' '
set aeainst 18th century towers, ana,
gorgeous sunsets that set the campus'
awash in a rich orange glow, but if I '
don't find some friends soon the medics
will find me glossy-eyed on the Quiet
Flush II.
But don't worry, Mom I'm still
happy and doing the best I can out here ,
away from the nest. I won't tell you
what time I went to bed last night , but
rest assured that I'm not doing anything
that you guys probably didn't do when '
you had my hormone level. I love you '
(please send money!), Ian.
Editor's note: This article is reprinted
from a Sept. 28, 1988, edition of The
Daily Tar Heel. Ian Williams is a 1990
UNC graduate from somewhere in Los
Angeles.
landmark tree
The Davie Poplar is a landmark older
than UNC itself.
j --o J
tree, which is more than 200 years old.
Stories suggest that William Richardson
Davie, author and introducer of the bihV
that established the University, person-
allv loratfrt TTNP around thft tree. Al-
VM IV 1 ( V'l I II I .till I 1 I I J 111 I I 1 1 iw '
though this is doubtful, the name Davie
was assigned to the tree almost a century
Int.. V. i "'s-kmAlio "DViilliTic Qnpnrpr tr
commemorate one of these tales. i
Another legend about the poplar is t
that while on a picnic in the spring of.
1792, Davie and the site-selection
committee of the University met and
z- i t- :
arter arinKing ana maicing merry, ux ic
1 , r-. n Ufnnli intn tK orni mi t r
nil uai a pujJiai uiauv.li iniw mw uunu iu
mark the new site, announcing, "This is
it." The switch supposedly grew into
tl-i ninia P-rlar (Tht i c viunc nrnvpn
untrue, as Davie was not on the com
mittee.)
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