Newspapers / Daily Tar Heel (Chapel … / Sept. 5, 1991, edition 1 / Page 11
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' .. I . . '"fS DTH Omnibus Page 3 AUp Thuraday September 5, 1991 The MC Dudes reform and buy a fern ell, here we are again. Uno mas. One more round. For those of you who don't know us, we, the M.C. Dudes, are Scott andam, two ordinary, average guys. Average, that is, except for our column. This fine piece of literary genius has covered countless illustri ous topics, everything from the best places to fart on campus to nice ways to run naked through the quad sans police. Of course, there was the gem we finished out last year with. As some of you will remember, we discussed the state of our apartment, which was somewhere between a nuclear waste zone and Jeffrey Dahmer's fridge. Anyway, here's the aftermath: After months of searching for a place where five collegiate males could shack up, we finally found one, signed the pre-lease agreement and were all set when somehow, who knows, maybe the KGB did it, but somehow, our future landlord got a hold of our column. Keep in mind what material this piece covered. There was a hole in Hubbies: winners, losers and gratuitous bad quotes Once again this is so amaz ing there was absolutely no overlap between the win ners of the Drive-In Acad emy Awards and the fake Academy Awards they had in Holly wood. This is getting so ridiculous that I think they're trying to embar rass themselves. The year after Arnold Schwarzenegger won his fourth con secutive "Best Actor" award in the Hubbies and was retired from active competition and given the "Joe Bob Briggs Lifetime Achievement Award," he was seen on the Oscar telecast, and he's been a big hoo-haw celebrity ever since. They're always about five years behind the drive-ingoing public. The actual award, which is en graved on a 1968 Oldsmobile hub cap, was given out during ceremonies at the Ozona Truck Stop and Indian Museum in Ozona, Texas, with en tertainment by Stephanie "Mack Truck" Higginson. So let's get to it. BEST DIALOGUE The runners-up are: David Knell in Chopper Chicks in Zombietown: "Jeez, Dad, maybe if you don't eat anybody, nobody'll notice you're a zombie." Phoebe Legere in The Toxic Avenger III: The Last Temptation of Toxie: "I don't mind being blind; I'll neverhavetoseeugliness.orpoverty, or pollution, or the Chevrolet Nova." Anita Morris in Martians Go Home: "A meat loaf in the shape of a tree is ' surprisingly festive." Tommy Sledge, in Lobster Man From Mars, who inspects giant lob ster tracks and says, "It means that either he escaped, or he walked back wards from the horizon to commit suicide in this bonfire." v-v.'.v.v.' Master Cylinder Dudes the wall (dear Liza, dear Liza), which looked just like South Carolina. People, logically, being geographical wizards, drew a drunken map of the world on the walls in our apartment, which included Vietnam above Sam's bedroom and Anchorage in the hall leading to Scott's. There were other random disasters Joe Bob Briggs And the winner is... Annie Ross, in Basket Case 2: "I understand your pain, Belial, but rip ping the faces off people may not be in your best interests." BEST BAD GUY The runners-up are: Brad Dourif, in The Exorcist III, as the Gemini Killer, a really mean psycho dude in a straitjacket and a rubber room who's possessing the bod ies of mental zombies and telling them to scissor off the heads of priests, nurses and young children. Billy Drago, in Delta Force 2, as the drug kingpin who wears a Japanese kimono all the time, for saying, "Take her to my bedroom first give her a beautiful bath get rid of the baby." Danny Nelson, in Blood Salvage, as Jake the junkyard mechanic who runs tourists off the road, drags their bod ies into his barn, hooks them up to old carburetors and Chevy engines, and removes one organ at a time so he can sell 'em off to My Favorite Martian. Robert Scott, Snake Eater, as Jun ior, one of the sleaziest psycho hillbil lies ever portrayed in the movies, for dressing up in a bear-suit and saying, "Your dream man's here, and he's come to change your life!" And the winner is ... Tom Towles, as Otis in Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer, for saying, "You want a beer?", and as Cooper in Night of the Living Dead, for stealing the TV, barricading himself in the .cellar, slapping his w.ife around, apd screaming; "You 'bundvof yoyos! (Sam's sister strolled through the screen door leading to the porch), and all of them were described in the article with vigor and, of course, plenty of incriminating adjectives and stuff. Now, we thought no one read this column. We sent it to our parents, put it upon the wall, etc., but it was more a vehicle for our juvenile humor than anything else, much like a Dorito is to onion dip. We were wrong. Our landlord (we'll call him "Bozo" for lack of bet ter term) had copies of this column in our file in his office. Subsequently, he informed us that we could no longer live in his home, that he didn't want holes in the wall shaped like Kansas, that he didn't want any siblings walk ing through screen doors, that he didn't want police coming and draw ing body silhouettes on the carpet. So, to prove to him that our col umn was not ever, ever, ever to be taken seriously, we showed him the others. And he learned the best places to fart on campus, and he learned how to streak through the quad, but all was for naught, he still wouldn't rent us his home. This sounds like an Arlo Guthrie BEST ACTOR The runners-up are: Noel Peters, in The Invisible Ma niac, as a nerdy psycho physics profes sor giving himself invisible-man se rum injections so he can sneak up on blond cheerleaders and rip their blouses off. Randy Quaid, in Martians Go Home, as a theme-music composer for TV game shows, who accidentally summons billions of green-skinned stand-up comics from outer space. Michael Rooker, in Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer, as Henry, for saying, "Guns are easy to get I can make a phone call and get a gun anybody can get a gun, Otis," and "Oh, yeah. That's right. I stabbed her." Kevin van Hentenryck, in Basket Case 2, for having even a more disgust ing scar on the side of his body where Belial was cut off, and for slowly going crazy as he says, "I just wanted people to think I was normal!" And the winner is . . . Lorenzo La mas, Snake Eater, for some excellent body tattoos, for sailing head-first through a roadhouse window, getting beer poured in his lap, and saying, "So this is what happens when you breed a human with a tree," and "Those mu tants know a lot more than they're saying." BEST ACTRESS The runners-up are: Christina Applegate, Streets, as a 16-year-old hooker with a heroin habit, who says, "By the way, you can forget it I don't do sex with friends." Catherine Carlen, in Chopper Chicks in Zombietown, as the leader of the Cycle Sluts, for saying, "You're the Sluts! Try and act like it!" Nicole Eggert, a dual role in The, -m Haunting of Marella, as the daughter " song, doesn't it? So, we were informed three days before the move-in date that we had no home. We had to find a place quickly, so we moved into a house on North Graham Street, better known as Crack Street, for the summer. Almost everything we owned was stolen. Someone tried to sell Scott heroin on the front porch, and then got pretty peeved when Scott politely said that, no, in fact, he wasn't really up for the heroin thing that night, you know, with work and all in the morning. Two men got chased through the front yard at gunpoint, and, all of this is real, Scott found a murder weapon in the front yard. So, Bozo, if you are out there, read this: We now live in Ashley Forest. We are ideal citizens . We ha ve Lite 96 . 1 FM programmed into our radios. We have Chagallprintsinihekitchen. Policecome to us to ask if they are making too much noise, we use Carpet Fresh, we have a South of the Border pennant pinned on the wall at an aesthetically pleasing 37 degree angle. We have little rubber feet in our shower and two Dixie Cup dis pensers. We have a fern. who's been hanging around out at Mom's tomb with a Ken-doll lawyer from town, unaware that her evil les bian tutor is feeding the house ser vants to Mom's glowing skeleton and getting her ready for the ultimate makeover, and as the mom who wants to live again in baby daughter's body and show daddy the real meaning of the word "hen-pecked." And the winner is ... Lezlie Deane, Girlfriend From Hell, as the sensible girlfriend who decides she can probably just kick the stuff ings out of the guy from Purgatory and eventually force him to get rid of his devil girlfriend. BREAST ACTRESS The runners-up are: Ginger Lynn Allen, the porno star, in Back to Hollywood Boulevard, for being such a great actress that she successfully portrays a virgin. Isa Andersen, the demonic ex-wife from hell in Night Angel who plans to turn the whole world into sex-crazed zombies by posing for the cover of Siren, a high-fashion magazine, and puttinga lot of subliminal messages in there, like "Have sex with the clean ing lady today." Melissa Moore, Vampire Cop, as a TV reporter with two enormous tal ents who will do anything to get that fast-breaking story about hookers be ing murdered by a huge bullet-proof man with fangs. Patty Mullen, a former Penthouse Pet of the Year, as Franfcenhooker, for staggering down 42nd Street with su ture marks all over her body and giv ing new meaning to the phrase "Wanna date V And the winner is ... . . .Glare WrenfeUnd, lass, blonde transistor-head bimbo in a All in all, we have decided to settle down and live the quiet life. We now derive pleasure from the simpler things life has to offer. The other day we bought matching black Adidas in door soccer shoes and a Tonka dump truck. Instead of going out and looking for women, we go out looking for the new buses that have the tailpipesstick ing out of the top lefthand side. (Next time you see a bus look for the tailpipe; the old ones have them on the bottom, but the really cool ones have them sticking out of the top. You'll know what we mean when you see one). So, as we don our fuzzy slippers preparing to read Wordsworth to each other before bed, remember: Never, ever let your future landlord get a hold of any incriminating evidence. Do what you have to do. Bribe some one. Bump someone off. Heck, put little rubber feet in your shower. It worked for us. Scott Gold and Sam Ruff are (gulp) seniors . They match their socks by thick ness, not by color, and they really are ideal citizens. leather miniskirt who squeezes her thumbs through one guy's neck, flings a nerd's head through a twirling heli copter blade, drills a hole the size of a bowling ball through a man's chest while kissing him, and plays classical piano in her spare time. BEST FLICK The runners-up are: Brain Dead, the story of what would happen if a man decided to keep a whole lab full of pickled brains that used to belong to paranoid schizophrenics, so he can figure out how to stick incredibly long needles into the brains and turn looney people into perfectly respectable game-show hosts. Darkman, the story of a scientist who's working on the ultimate plastic surgery discovery making skin in a test tube but gets half his face blown off by some gangsters who like to collect human fingers in a box and so he has to learn to build synthetic skin "Mission: Impossible" fake faces that last 99 minutes at a time. Delta Force 2, proving once again that all it takes is one helicopter full of American kung-fu masters to solve any problem in the universe, includ ing wiping out a South American drug dealer whose idea of a good time is to kill babies because their mothers don't harvest the cocoa leaves fast enough. Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer, first movie in history to get an X for moral tone. And the winner is ... Franfeenhoofeer, the romantic story of a man whose fiancee is Cuisinarted by a runaway lawnmower, so he's re duced to shopping for body parts on tfodJ&e&bvseJlingcrjhatmakes the heads of hookers explode.
Daily Tar Heel (Chapel Hill, N.C.)
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