THE JOKER'S BUDGET.
"WHAT HUMOROUS MEX OF THE
COUNTRY HAVE TO SAY.
It was in Paris A Mistake Inthe
"Way Usefulness Ended Advice
. to a Young "Woman "Was Not
Embarrassed, .Etc., Etc
a landlady's mistake.
Dumley (who has been asked to. carve
tli8 duck, and is meeting with poor suc
cess) Whew ! "
Landlady "Isn't the knife sharp,
Mr. Dumley? I had it ground to-day'
Dumley "The knife is all right, Mrs.
Hendricks; you ought to have had the
duck ground."
' SPICY ISLES.
Not expecting him that evening she
had eaten heartily of onions, of which
she was particularly fond.
"How soft and sweet, and at the same
time invigorating, the air is to-night,
Mr. Sampson," she said, as they strolled
out on the porch. "It reminds me so
much of Old Point Comfort in the early
spring."
- "Yes, Miss Clara," responded young
Sampson, tenderly, "or of Bermuda,
you know." Epoch,
A SUB-ROSA SUGGESTION.
Hedges has dined well, and has of
fered his waiter & dollar.
"Waiter (in a voice that reaches the
desk): No, sah; we ain't 'lowed fer ter
tek no fees, sah. (In a voice which does
not reach the desk) : Drap him on the
flo boss. TidBits.
HARD ON THE POET.
Mr. Filbert (preparing to bow himself
off) Is there anything more I can do
for you, Mrs. McKenzie?
Mrs. McKenzie I can't think of
anything just at present, ; Mr. Filbert;
but of course you youiig poets never eat
anything, so you might stand just there
and recite to me one of your beautiful
love poems while I eat this. (Hard on
Filbert, who economized by going with
out his dinner.) Harper's Bazar.
FANCIES IN SPRING.
"In the spring a young man's fancy
lightly turns to thoughts of love."
O, it does, eh? In the spring a young
man's fancv doesn't do anything of the
the sort, t turns to thoughts of how
he's going to get in about 5,000 hours of
$400-a-week fun into fourteen days of
10 summer vacation. Puck.
IN PARIS.
French Girl Papa, a man who looks
like an American is observing those
gloves in the window. What shall I ask
for them?
- Shopkeeper Twenty dollars.
Man (entering) How much?
Girl Twenty dollars.
Man Sar-r-r-rl
Shopkeeper Forty cents, M's'seer.
Omaha World.
NOT EMBARRASSED.
"Doesn't it embarrass you to be kiss
ed by your husband before a car full of
people?" 1
"Embarrass me?" replied the lady,
whowas starting off on a journey, as she
settled herself comfortably in her seat
and looked at the questioner. "Did
John kiss me when he said good-by ? 1
declare I didn't notice it. Is my hat on
straight, Laura?" Chicago Tribune.
KNEW HER PLACE.
"Why, these are not the shoes I or
dered," exclaimed the lady of the house,
with extreme vexation; "this is a pair of
$10 French kids. I can't afford such
shoes as these."
"Beg pardon, madam," said the mes
senger, respectfully; "but you've open
ed the wrong package. This $5 pair is
yours. The other was ordered by the
hired girl." Chicago Tribune.
THE SCREW DRIVER.
Papa had bought the Cyclone a chest
of tools and had initiated him into the
mysteries of screw driving. Shortly
afterwards he saw the little fellow bang
ing a screw into a box as hard as he
could with a hammer.
' "What did I-tell you ? That isn't the
way to put in a screw. What is that
slot in the head for ?"
The Cyclone' looked guilty for a
moment, then brightened up and re
plied: "To take it out with." Philadelphia
Call.
LACE.
At the close ofa recent performance j
at the opera hquse and while the crowd
were retiring a lady's garment wa
caught in a seat. A "gallant Irishman
rushed to the rescue and asked the trou
ble. "My. lace is caught," slit, said, i
"Hould on a bit, lady," said he, "and I
I'll relase ye." Bangor Commercial. j
.
COMES NATUBALi TO HDL
She (at the theatre) What a long,
stagy stride Mr. Ham, the tragedian,
has.
He Yes; I understand he has ac
quired that gait by traveling on every
other tie. Tidbits.
A BLOCKED GAME.
Two mpn meet on a country road.
First Man Do you live in this neigh
borhood ?
Second Man Yes, sir.
"Do you own any buildings?"
"Yes, sir."
"Couldn't I sell you some lightning
rods?" "Perhaps vou could, under one con-
jdition."
"What's that?"
"That you will subscribe for Lives of
the American Presidents' which I am
selling.''
"Good day. I think I made a mis
take." Nebraska Journal. s
CORRECT.
Jobson We've had a hard winter.
Jepson A very hard winter.
Jobson Did your pipes ever freeze?
Jepson No, our pipes never froze,
but the water in 'em froze several times.
Epoch.
WILLING TO GO.
"Clara," said the old man from the
head of the stairs, "isn't that young man
gone yet?"
"No, sir," came back the reply, and it
wan't in Clara's voice either, "but he
is going at once, sir."
LOOKING INTO THE FUTURE.
i4Then you will not be my wife," he
said, bitterly, as he released her hand. '
"I cannot," she sobbed; "I am
pledged to another."
"And this is the end," he groaned;
the bitter, bitter end, and hope, like a
blighted flower, must fade and die."
"No, no!" she exclaimed through her
tears. "Don't say that. Wait, Charles;
be faithful. You know I may be a wi
dow in a few years." Washington Critic.
CLOSE FIGURING REQUIRED.
First Florida Tourist How , much
money have you on hand?
Second Florida Tourist Fifteen hun
dred dollars.
First Florida Tourist And I've got
fourteen hundred. Just enough, old
boy, to pay our passage home, after
stopping for a day or two at this high
toned Florida hotel. Texas if tings.
MUCH UNSTRUNG.
Physician (to patient) You are suf
fering from nervous prostration, sir.
Have you been drinking heavily of
late?
Patient No, sir.
Physician Business matters trouble
you to-day?
Patient No, sir; I wasn't at the office
at all. , I've been having my baby's
photograph taken.
WALLS HAVE EARS. .
Tenth floor occupant (of Harlem flat)
Well my dear, that simpering little
Miss Smith who lives on the first floor
is engaged at last.
Husband How do you know?
Tenth floor I heard a young man
proposing to her last night. N, Y.
Sun.
USEFULNESS ENDED.
"Hi, there, sir," shouted a Florida
landlord to a departing guest who was
rushing for the train, "you've dropped
your pocketbook."
"All right," shouted back the guest,
without stopping "I've no further use
for it."
HE WAS VEEY.XOUNG.
Mrs. Newtie I wish vou would liffht
! your cigarette on the sidewalk instead of
in tlie nail, lorn.
Mr.-1 Newtie Do you dislike the odor?
M's. Newtie Oh, no, my dear, but I
want people to see that you have learned
to smoke. Tid Bits.
SORELY TEMPTED.
"Have you spoken to my daughter,
sir, upon the subject of marriage?"
"Not a word, sir," responded the
young man. "I thought it would be
more noble on my part to see you first.
But I was strongly tempted to. sir, last
j evening, when she kissed me good
nignt."
LED THE WAY.
Dumley (proudly) Yes, I participated
in one great battle of the rebellion, and,
"if I do say it myself, I was one of the
men who led the way.
ireatherly (admiringly) What battle
j was it, Dumley, Bull Run?
NOT BY BREAD ALONE.
"We do not live by bread alone," said
a minister to a young man he was trying
to wiu from ihe error of his ways.
"Is thatso' was the irreverent reply.
Well, I -wish you would convince my
boarding-house lady of it. Washington
Critic. ... .
& 5H
aV-7 Hm - W
THE USES OF FORESTS.
Why Trees are Valuable Apart from
the Question of Timber Supply.
From the Scientific News.
Some time back the world was, of
opinion that trees were of value merely
as supplies of timber, aDd that where
building materials could be easily im
ported a country might, without any
disadvantage, be laid entirely bare. To
be sure, a few far-seeing individuals,
such as Bernard Palissy, were aware of
the influence of woodlands as regulators
of climate. Similar views were taken in
antiquity by Critias, who spoke vaguely
of the "sickness of the country in con
sequence of the deforestation," and in
1540 by Fernaudo Colon, who declared
that the rains in Maderia, the Azores,
and the Canaries had become rarer since
the trees had been cut down. But, in
spite of these warning?, the process of
"clearing" was carried on in most coun
tries with reckless haste.
This havoc was not arrested until its
consequences were pointed out by Hum
boldt, Bousingault, and Becquerel, and
by a still more authoritative teacher, ex
perience, who on this, occasion seems to
have charged unusually high school
fees.' One of the most important effects
of woods upon a climate is that they
promote rain. The theory of this pro
cess is not pefectly understood, but the
facts themselves are matters of . expe
rience. There are districts on the Con
tinent where the chief rivers have de
creased notably in volume since the
clearing of the districts about their
sources. We have seen a small stream,
a tributary of the Oder, which, within
the memory of living persons, turned
in its course two or three corn mills. At
the time of our visit it wns dry all the
summer months, save immediately after
a thunder storm. In many districts of
southern France the destruction of the
forests has caused much more striking
mischief.
The rain, instead of falling as hereto
fore in moderate showers, now comes
in violent gushes, with long periods- of
drought between. As & natural conse
quence the grasses and other low grow
ing plants perish, their roots wither
away, and the soil, no longer held to
gether by their fibres is washed away
by the occasional violent rains and car
ried down into the bods of the rivers.
The hillsides and the higher planes re
main as barren wastes of sand and grav
el. A similiar process has been going
on in Spain, Italy, Greece, Algeria, Mo
roco, and, in short, all around the Med
iterranean sea. Countries which
were once the granaries r of the world,
and which supported a numerous and
thriving population, are now little bet
ter than deserts. Nor is this mischief
confined to Europe. The vegetable
wealth of South Africa, when it first be
cnrne known to Europeans, was remark
able. The Cape was the source of numbers
of our finest greenhouse plants. But
now vast tracts have been rendered so
desolate that a troop of Colonial caval
ry on the march actually gave three
cheers at the sight of a tree. Even in
the United States, once regarded as em
inently the land of forests, many regions
have lost, first their vegetation and then
their soil,' in consequence of tree felling.
It may, perhaps, here be objected that,
fully admitting all these unfavorable
changes, they may possibly have been
produced by unknown causes, and
would have occurred all the same if
the woodlands had not been interfered
with. This plea can easily be refuted.
In many of the countries above men
tioned replanting has been undertaken
on a large scale by individuals, by com
munities, and by Goverments, with the
most satisfactory results.
Wherever such attempts have been
made the climate becomes less extreme,
the rainfall more uniformly distributed,
and public health is improved. Such
beneficial changes have been distinctly
recognized in Northwestern India,
where fertility is gradually returning
to the deserts. In France, within about
twenty years, 25,000 acres of mountain
lands, and nearly the same extent of
sandy coast lands have been replanted
of course at great expense, but with the
most satisfactory results. In America,
also, replanting is being vigorously car
ried on. An eminent agricultural au
thority in the United States has given
it as his opinion that if one-fourth of a
country is left covered with trees, the
remaining three-fourths will yield a
better return in the shape of crops than
it would if stripped bare.
A rickpocket's Handy Tool.
The Kansas City Times says:
Among the curiosities which Chief
Speers keeps in, his desk at the central
police station is a little pasteboard box
tilled with pieces of greenbacks. They
were once parts of five, ten, twenty, fif
ty and one hundred dollar bills. At the
time they were mutilated they were part
of a roll of $5,000 in the pistol pocket of
a wealthy stockman. He was on a train
coming into Kansas City, and when he
got off at the Union depot the pieces in
the little box at the central station were
all that was left of the $5,000. A pick
pocket had cut his pocket and in doing
it had cut some of the bills, but he got
all the rest. When Chief Speers shows
the scraps of greenbacks, he also shows
a sample of the instrument used by the
pickpocket who secured tne o,000, min
us the bills which had been mutilated.
It is a curious little round steel affair,
about six inches in length. The knife
end of it is turned at right angles to the
handle and is only about one-half an
inch long. It is hammered as thin as
paper and sharpened until it cuts cloth
as noiselessly as it would butter. When
a pickpocket locates "a roll" he watches
his opportunity and cuts the pocket.
With an expert it is the work of a mo
ment. The instruments, the police say,
are made exclusively for the profession,
and are of the very best quality of steel.
April Fool In the Incubator.
A Lewis ton, Maine, man, who com
bines farming with watch making.ia now
practising with an incubator, and has a
big lot of fancy stock now in process of
incubation. He prides himself on his
incubator. He believes it to be one of
the surest and speediest on the conti
nent. He has lots of new fangled no
tions about its make-up, and, last Sun
day morning, when he arose and looked
from his chamber window, he said to
himself, "In one more week that incuba
tor will be just alive with chickens."
Along about 11 o'clock he went out to the
chicken house and looked at the incu
bator. What was that! Merciful dis
pensation of the creation of all things!
Dash his eyes if there, over in the cor
ner, big as life, was not a yellow, fluffy
ball, with a bit of egg on his back, and
stepping gaily out of his shell. He
couldn't believe it.
Talk about incubators! Talk about
beating all creation! Here it-was done
for a full week quicker than the best on
record a regular Maud S. incubator,
warranted to out-incubate all others, as
the queen of the turf out-trots all others.
He did not linger long. He called his
wife and his daughter and the other
children. "Hi there! Come out here!"
shouted he. They came out obediently
and stood around. He pointed at the
miracle. They marvelled obediently at
it until one of the girls suggested that
possibly the chicken ought to be able to
walk. He opened the incubator and
prodded it with a stick. It fell over and
its legs stuck up in the air, and then
the merriest laugh he ever heard broke
the silence, and he knew it, was April
imitation, made of yellow down.
Popular Education.
. We sympathize with the feeling which often
leads citizens to boast that no child born in
this couutry need jrrow up in Ignorance, and
;ret it is a fact that many - people who have
earned to read and wi . j have never taught
themselves to think, a' man who suffered
from catarrb, consumption, bronchitis scrof
ula, or "liver complaint, might read, till his
eyes dropped out, now these and many other
diseases have beeu cured by Dr. Pierce's
Golden Medical Discovery, but if he did not
take the lesson to himself and test the vi tues
of this great medicine, bis time would b
thrown away.
II. de Bee says that the nose is losing its
function among civilized people. When the
atnse of smell vanishes, the nose will have to
go, too. .
Dr. Sage's Catarrh Remedy cures when every
other so-called remedy tails.
Algiers is about to begin tho exportation of
claret.
A Great Surprise
Is in store for all who use Kemp's Balsam
for the Throat and Lungs, the great guaran
teed remedy. Would you believe that it is
sold on its merits and that any druggist is au
thorized by the proprietor of this wonderful
remedy to give you a sample bottle free? It
never fails to cure acute or chronic coughs.
All druggists srll Kemp's Balsam. Large bot
tles 0 cents and $1.
That Tired
la experienced by almost erery one at thl i season,
and many people resort to Hood's tarsaparilla to
drive away the languor and exhaustion. The blood,
laden with Impurities which have been accumulating
for months, moves sluggishly through the, veins,
the mind fails to think quickly, and the body is sti'i
lower to respond. Hood's Sarsapar.lla is just what
Is needed. It purifies, vital zes, and enriches the
blood, makes the head clear, creates an appetite,
overcomes that tired feeling, tones the nervous sys
tem, and Imparts n jw strength and vigor to the
whole body.
Hood's Sarsaparilla
Ts proven to be so va tly superior to any other sarsa
parilla, or bl:od purifier, that one ha well said: "Its
health giving effects upon the blood and entire
human organism are as much more positive than the
remedies of a quarter of a century ago 'as the steam
power of to-dar is in advance of the si w and labori
ous drudgery of years ago."
Sold by all drngjlsts. $1 ; six for $5. Prepared only
by C. L HOOD & CO., Apothecaries, Lowell, Mass.
IOO Dosos Ono Dollar
PM Ltr at home and make more moaey workin" for ui t han
UUhUi t anrthinc else in the world. Either az. Costly outfit
rBKK. Terms KRKK. Address, TKUK & CO-.Augmt. Maino.
QISv'a !3iE!r Great English Gout and
DlCaii O llllwi Rheumatic Remedy.
Oval Box, 34 1 round, 14 Fills.
I
WVif ( aav r.nn I do not mean merely to stop them
lor a time and then have tbem return again. I mean a
radical core. I have made th diseua of FITS, EPIL
EPSY or FALLING SICKNESS a lifelong stndy. I
irarrant my remedy to cure the worst cases. Because
tthers have failed is no reason for not now receiving a
Sore. Send at once for a treatise and a Free Bottle
f my Infallible remedy. Give Express and Poet Office.
U. 6. HOOT M, C.. 183 Tearl St. Kew York.
YES, IT IS SO!
- Yotj have but to write letter or postal to
T. G. PANGTtojtK, General Manager Lorbokx
Publishing Co., Baltimore, Md., to secure full
information as to the unexampled opportuni
ties offered Agents for The American Home
Journal, iust entering upon its Third Volume.
A superbly illustrated and printed weekly,
douule the number of pa?es of "Harper's,"
"Leslie's," "Puck" or the "Judge," at half the
price per annum. Tbose "who care to put in a
few hours time will be well repaid and at once,
while in addition securing all the advantages
of the every twentieth system. No chromos.
picture-books or plated ware. All cash. If
you have any doubts, write theMavor or Post
master of Baltimore, or any bank, city or State
official, as to the standing of the Lorbom Co.
ORGANS.
Highest Honors at all Great World's Exhibitions
since 1867. 100 style, 1 22 to $300. For Cash, Eaxy Pay
ments, or Rented. CataJogne, 40 pp., 4 to. free.
PIANOS.
Mason & Hamlin do not hentate to make the ex
traordinary claim that their Pianos are nnperior to
all others. Thw they attribute polely to the remark
kmownasthe "MASON k HAMLIN PIANO STRING-
EIC" Full particulars by ro&iL
BOSTON, 15 Tremont St CHICAGO, U9 "Wabash Ay.
NEV. YORK. 46 East 14th St. (Union Square.)
Brood's
3 EI
FITS-1
iSI
He Caught lu
cutting through the iceon tW??
paratory to a day's sport, usb?
with a handle Jikea shovel
accident slipped from his h
scuiucxi. aiippea irom nis grasp
appeared in about six fathoms of
He mourned his loss for it meant
to-morrow to get through fffe
without it. Nothing daunted Ih
pared his line and placed on thViT'
a plump, live shiner and returned?
camp to relate his misfortnne TW;
his line shortly after, his fastirnvrS
was that he had hooked a cS
hard did it poll,- but whea he had fc?
ed his catch imagine his surprise ,
that he not only had a finetwl
trout but also the lost chisel The hi ,
had stuck upright in the mud, the shiT
had swam through the hole in th h.
die, the trout seized him and I 5S
himself up around the handle, ma W
the capture possible, providing the f
held as it did. Bangor Commercial,
Isaiah Walton, a farmer MriL Dftu.
Byron, Ga., says he has five XarrX
daughters whose aggregate veit
over 1,000 pounds. J
"Ah me!" sighed PottVTm tired of UrinT
l he world is r ollow. ambitio i's vain -
"Come now!" said his chum, "1 kno,
symptoms;
It's all your liver that's very plain.
"You need not surfer, for help is asr-Piercr-'s
Pe.Ieta go rig 'it to the place
A friend to the bilious,' I well mj'eht
them
There's nothing better; they suit roar use."
Pottsceased his sighing and bought the -p.
No more he mourneth his hapless lot'
His face is;cheerf ul, his heart is ligatsoma.
Fi melancholy is quite forgot!
The London medical students have arrwed
to assemble at Charing Cross to reeeite Sir
Morel 1 Mackenzie when he returns to London.
In every community there are a number ot
men whose whole time is not occupied, vxb
as teachers, ministers, fanners' sons, and oth-
ers. To these classes especially we wou'd uy,
if you wish to make several hundred dollari
during the next f ewmonths. write at once to
B. F. Johnson & Co., of Richmond, Va, and
they will show you how to do it.
CaaiainptUi Barely Carei.
To the Editor: Please inform your readers
that I have a positive remedy for the abon
named disease. By its timely use thousands of
hopeless cases have been permanently cared. I
shall be glad to send two bottles of my remedy
tree to any of your readers who' hare coi
sumption if they will send me their Express
and y. O. address. Respectfully,
T. A. SLOCUM. M.C 181 Pearl SL. X. T.
" Con" nn mptlon Cai be Cored."
Dr. J. S. Combs, Owensville, Ohio, says: 1 '
have given Scott's Emcxsion of Cod LirfrOil
with Hypophosphites to four patients with
better results than-seemed possible with anj
.n A a 1 1 T .-i:. . -m .
disease, and advanced to that s-age whea
Coughs, pain in the chest, frequent breathing,
frequent pulse, fever and Emaciation. All
these cases have increased in weight from 16
to 28 lbs., and are not now needing any medi
cine." -
Fob Special Kates for advertising in this pip
P,ply to the publisher of the paper. 1 1
N early everybody need a good sprinj meoiaw
like Hood's Sariaparilla to expel impurities wU
accumulate in the blood during the winter, kw? W
strength as warm weather comes on. c eat i P"
petite and promote healthy dlgettion. Try Hoofi
Sarsaparilla aad you will be convinced of iti P"
lar merits. It Is the ideal spring medicine-reUw.
beneficial, pleasact to lake, and gives full vaiu for
the money,
"I take Hood's SarsanarCla as a spring tonic tal I
recommeniit to all who have that misers le tired
feeling. ' C. Parkjoek, 343 Brilge street, Brooklyn.
Make the Weak Strong
"My appetite was poor, I could not sleep.
headache a great deal, pains in my back, my boweli
did not move regularly. Hood's SarsaparilU In
short time did m j so much g Md that I feel like ne
man. My pains and aches ara relieve 1, mj WU"
improved. I say to others try Hood's Sar&aparUU
Q. F. JaKsox, Roxbury Station, Conn.
rsaparilla
Sold by all druggists. 1 : six f cr $5. i-repa
by C. I. HOOD & CO., Apothecaries, Lowell, Mm.
A m1
IOO Doses One Dollar
S3
to 88 a day. Samples worth Q-JBJ2'
Lines not under the horse's feet, rfjrjrt
GENTS' HAT BAZAAR,
l,3&5NewCIrorchSt. Cor. Fult &
HEW TOKK CTTT,
A. SETCIS Sc SON.
Single Hats at Manufacturer' frie",;0.
Largest Aaaortment. Laua.S'J '
STFJCTLY ONE PRICE!
AXLc
nrT Tf tttw wnnr.n
CT" bet tk Oemaln. Sold T
msssm
DON'T'
Gone "Where tho T7oodbine Twined.
Eats are smart, but "Rouch on F-aJS
them. Gears outputs, Mice, PJ?!
Bues, Flies, Beetles, Moths, Ants. Mwq
Bed-buss, ben Lice, Insects. Potato ira
Sparrows, SimzxVs, Weasel, Gopher ;
murks. Moles, Musk Rats. Jack Ba&w-
Squirrels. 15c. and 25c. Druggists.
ROUGH ON PAIN" Plaster, Porosed. tfe.
' BOUGH ON COUGHS." Coughs, colds,
ALL SKIN HUMORS CUBED BY
ROUGHEITCI
"Rousb on Itch" Ointment FeS.Tf
nsors. Pimples, Flesh Worms. Witch,
ter. Salt Rheum. Frosted Feet, Cltltrffa.
Ivy Poison, Barber's 1 ten, Scald Hear.
60c Drmr.ormaU. E. S. W Jenej
Cures Pflea or Hemorrhoids, Itctir. .g
ing, Bleedinr. Internal and extrrnaijji
In each rjack&p Rrrm nire. 5 t
or maiL R k Wn t Trsv City, l-
F0iS81g
i