' THE JOKER'S BUDGET.
THE FUNNIEST THINGS THE HU-
MOIUSTS ARE SAYING.
Supposing a Case A Gentle Hint
A Successful Office Tommy and
Ills Mamma Be Still, Sweet
One, Etc., Etc
SINCERE.
Addle meets Dawdle, whose engage
ment has just been announced,
Addle (loquitur) I cawnt congratu
late you,old feller, because I don't know
the lady; you know; and I cawn't con
grawtuiate the lady, because I do know
you, deah by, don't you know.
hv mmmw - mmm i - - i V Ji.r ; in iii
: : 'A
CEASE BEPrSETO.
A COMFORTING ASSURANCE.
Blackville Dentist (having labored
earnestly, but in vain, for a considerable
period) "Hoi' on, Ephr'm, hoi' on!
She's a-comin. I yeah de -bones a
cracklin. You jes res' easy 'n ef my
strength on'y don't gin way, I'll hab her
outen dar io' you's a hour older."
Harper's Bazar.
THE SIGN.
A citizen recently drove out to a
bridge at Seymour, Conn. At the toll
gate was a young woman with strong nt
tractions for a white horse, and the cit
izen thought he might safely quiz her
a little. She answered all his questions
demurely and with no apparent thought
of malice; but when, having had his lit
tlfl ink Tifi rfskpd her what it post to ro
over the bridge, the answer came back:
"If you could read that sign, you'd see
for yourself. Hog, one cent; jackass
two. Give us two cents.'"
A SUPPOSITITIOUS CASE.
A woman on Lafayette street east
rushed out the other day and informed
a policeman that she had seen a big dog
crawl under her barn, and she believed
the animal mad. The officer went
around by way of the alley, accompanied
'by the usual 1 crowd, and after peeking
and peering for some time he shot three
bullets under the, barn to scare the dog
out. After the third shot a movement
was heard, and .presently the long end
of a colored man crawled into view.
After backing out and brushing the dirt
out of his eyes he added:
"Was it me you was shooting at"
VI .supposed it was a dog under there, "
replied the officer.
"Wall, sab, dean you nebber 'spose
no mo. Its dangerous."
And he showed a bullet hole in his
cap and another in his coat as proof of
the accuracy of , the officer's aim. He
had crawled under after a rabbit which
had escaped from a neighbor. .
"It's all right," he said, as the officer
apologized, "but lloan' you 'spose no
mo. You jist keep right down to cole
facts. Dis 'sposin' around ar' what gits
pussons into serus trouble." Detroit
Free Press.
A GENTLE HINT.
It was nearly midnight, and she was
gazing dreamily into the tire.
"A penny for your thoughts, Miss
Clara," he said, airily.
"I was thinking, Mr. Sampson," she
replied, "how very much annoyed pajm
was to-day over the amount of last
month's gas bill."
And then presently he left without
giving her the penny.
A PULI..
Dnring a Second Adventist baptism
which took place in a town that bordered
upon our ConnecticutRiver.the minister,
after having walked in a number of yards
with the person to be baptized, turned
to the people on the shore and snid:
"Please sing somo appropriate hymn."
At which an overzealous sister piped
up the hymn, "Pull to the shore."
Springfield Union.
- A HARD CASE.
A West Philndelphian who has been
patronizing a chirpy German's saloon on
Lancaster avenue for a number of years,
dropped in the other morning, as usual.
The host was leaning up against the bar
looking as cheerless as a tombstone.
Hello, Fritz," said the visitor, "what's
the matter with you V "Ah, inein frent." i
replied me saioon Keeper, with, a sad
shake of the head, "I never knowed vat
vas mesfortune yet alretty till now. Dis
morning my wife had twins, and I vas
Tefused my license." Philadelphia Press.
COMING BACK.
Tourist My physician has advised
me to locate where I may get the South
"wind. Does it ever blow here?
s Native Well, sir, I may say as you're
lucky to have come to this place. The
South wind always blows here.
Tourist Always? But it seems to be
blowing from the North now.
XTof m, if u. ; '
that direction, but it's the South wind.
It's coming back, you know. Bins uim
' pjn Republican.
Be still, ead heart, and cease repining;
Behind the clouds is the Run still shining.
Thy fate ia the common fate of all
"Der's boon' ter be days when dey can't play
ball." '
Some days must be dark and' dreary.
Minneapolis Tribune.
A CHANGE.
"Good morning, Mr. Dallywag.
Changing your boarding place again V
"Yes."
"What is the matter now ? I thought
you were nicely fixed."
"Well, so I was; but I got a week in
arrears on my board and my landlord
served me coffee this morning in a fancy
cup, with gilt lettering on it that read;
Thlnk of me!' I paid my bill and .got
out. You can bet I wouldn't put up
with such base hints for pay as that
was." Chicago Ledger.
DELICATELY PUT.
Mr. Auger Er aw what have you
got there, Miss Keene? .
Miss Keene It is Mr. Goodform's
card, Mr. Auger. .
Mr. Auger Ah, is he a particular
friend of yours, may I awskf
Miss Keene Why, yes; I like him
better than any other man I can think
of just now. He makes such delight
fully short calls.
THE IiECTURER'S HOME.
Husband Mary, I'll never be able to
prepare my lecture while you're doing
so much talking aud all the kids are
yelling.
"When do you deliver your lecture ?"
"To-night.", -
"What is it about ?"
"The ideal Christian home." Nebras
ka State Journal. "I
DETERMINED.
Gunningham Once for all," Clara,
will you forgive me? -I can't bear to
give you up for so trivial a reason.
, Clara No, Henry; nothing but a very
strong will power a power stronger
than my own would make me change
my determination, and (as Henry turns
away) Heaven knows you've
got it, Henry !
ONLY A IilTTIiE TIME.
They were at the front gate in the
moonlight, and he had asked her to be
his wife. With outstretched hands and
a throbbing heart he awaited her ans
wer. -
"George," she said, in a nervous whis
per,, "you must give me time you must
give me time."
"How long," he hoarsely asked, "a
day, a week, a month, a year ?"
"No no, George," x as she quickly
scanned the sky, "only until the moon
gets behind a cloud. " The Epocli.
A reason.
Mrs. Gorham Ware Henry, I wish
you would please not smoke around the
house any more.
? Mr. Gorham Ware Why, my loye,
you've cften said you rather fancied a
goodciirar!
Mrs. Gorham Ware I know it, dear,
but the cook objects, and I'd like to
keep our name out of the courts, you
know.
AN ORPHAN ASYLUM.
Bobby and Flossie were playing
"boarding house," with Flossie in the
role of applicant.
"Have you parents?" inquired Bobby,
witli great stiffness of manner.
"ies, sir, two," replied Flossie, tim
idly. "Sorry, ma'am, but we never take any
children who have parents." Philadcl
phia Times.
A OREAT PITY.
"There," said Mrs. Abelyer, after she
had concluded, "that is the first time
I've sung for over a year, except when I
sung to baby."
"Oh, then the baby does have the
lwmefit of your voice?" asked Pendleton,
wishing, of course, to say something, if
it wasn't so bright.
' "Yes; I have to sing him to sleep, you
know." ' .
"Ah, my dear Mrs. Abelyer, what a
pity it is that as wo grow older we lose
the ability to go to sleep when somebody
is singing." Boston Transcript.
" Then let the moon usurp the rule of day,
A nd winkin? taper show the sun h.s way;
For what my senses can perceive,
I need no revs at on to believe- ,.
Ladies suffering Troin anr of tue??
or ailments peculiar to their sex. and will
use Dr. Pierce's Favorite Prescription accord-in-to
directions, will experience fignnine
revfiutUm in the benefit they will wceive. it
is a p. sitive cure for the must complicated and
obstinate ae of leucorrhea. excessive flow
ins, painful menstruation, unnatural sup
pression, prolapsus, or falling of the womb,
weak back, 'female weakness. anteversion,
retroversion, bearing down Mnsations,chrpnic
congestion, inflammation and ulceration or tne
womb, inflammation, pain and tendetness ia
ovaries, accompanied withlnternal heat.
" Ak inward dignity of character, which,
once acquired and righteously maintain
ed, nothingno, not the hardest drudg
ery nor the direst poverty can vanquish.
If afflicted with sore eve aw Dr. Isavs TTnmp.
on Eye-Water. Dnwrrfit gell at 25c per pottla.
The court is like the sea everything
depends upon the wind. .
Kewi Abat Tswb.
It Is the current report about town that
Kemp's Balsam' for the Throat and Lungs is
making some remarkable cures with people
who are troubled with Coughs. Asthma, Bron
chitis and Consumption. Any druggist will
give you a trial bottle free t eoL It is guar
anteed to relieve and cute. Large bottles, 0
cents and SI. .
"I want to thank you," writes a voting man
to B. F. Johns .n fr Oo Richmond, fo.
placing me in a position by which I am en
abled to m ke money faster than I ever dirt
before." This is but a sample extract of tne
many hundred of Himilar lettfiM receive 1 by
the above firm. See their advertisement In
another column.
Fob SrrxuL Rates for advertising in this piper
apply to the publisher of the paper.
F EJI M r. M JT
Sacramentoavetaed th lvT,
-V nnai'.n il... ., ---Ill
W yi -; -' lilt Vpif -- f
have n the rest of u,; "M
abundance ot flj k ndPanV?!i;r
pood iraUr, fuel to Jf v sSVH
be had for the cutting. 9 7 trw .f-tt
and land to be hd at It O . r a
actual value. N0 boom pricei V h. r
The whol Sbte of Cal foS inAt
the rer 18S7, outside of onJ?-J
niento shippel 27.476 awih." Y
Sacramento. Pal. N' Kral st. A;-,
TH15 laPER rrrr l,m,Tn, wri
Lecture on j!!
"ROUGH ON RATS."
,0a
TO preserve the richness of color or delicacy of tint of your sum
mer dresses, make suds of hot water and Ivory Soap, allow to
cool until lukewarm, -then wash your dresses in the solution. Ordi
nary soaps contain too much alkali, which in a short time bleaches
the color and destroys its beauty. Prof. Silliman, of Yale College,
says, "The Ivory Soap can not injure the most delicate fabric."
A WORD OF WARNING.
There are many white soaps, each represented to be "just as good as the ' Ivory' j"
they ARE NOT, but like all counterfeits, lack the peculiar and remarkable qualities
of the genuine. Ask for "Ivory" Soap and insist upon getting it.
. Copyright 18S6. by Procter & Gamble.
Tn flei.r out. f-Ui Kiiitm iijit w-...
-o-; us K..
put a 15c. box of it in a pint of beuiae ud
BED BUGSfrrs
ere vices where fcrea.se cannot be aroliL r
&c For two or three nights kVv
gprintle Rough oj Rats drr.AF II
powder, in, about and down the
Binic,arainpipe. nrrj rn
First thing inUCCILCO
ina mormcff wasa u au away j
down the drain pipe, when all '
the insects from srarret to cellar
will disappear. The secret is in
WATER BUGStts
house they must drink during the night For
Potato Burs. Insects on Vines, etc.. a table
spoonful of the powder, ell n A i ft m r a
shaken in a keg of water, and nUAwilCv
applied with sprinkling pot, spray syrinW or
' whuk broom. Keep it well stirred op. IV
25c. and 51 Boies. Act. size. See full dire
tions with boxes. GROUND SQUIRRELS,
RABBIT8, Sparrows, Gophers, Chipmnnki
cleared out by Rough on Rats. See dimtiom
ROUGH ON MALARIA K
Ferer and Ague, ChiUa, higher than a kl,
ft ) at Druggists, or prepaid by Ex. for $ua
. 8. wnxs, Jersey City, S. J.
Rlnip'e DHIc GrTf English Goatuil
DldEl O rlllSi Rheumatic Remetfi
Oral Box, 34) ronmi, 14 .
!!i'a-!!!ii..i)!;riihhiten;n
PROPRIETOR 0r
6)
50
For a case of Catarrh in the Head which they cannot cure.
CENTS. rS
GATARKiH m THE HEAD.
SYMPTOMS OP THE DISEASE. Dull, heavy headache,
obstruction of the nasal passages, discharges falling from the
head into the throat, sometimes profuse, watery, and acrid, at
others, thick, tenacious, mucous, purulent, bloody and putrid;
the eyes are weak : there is ringing in the ears, deafness, hacking
or coughing to clear the throat, expectoration of offensive mat
ter, together with "Scabs from ulcers ; the voice ia changed and
has a "nasal twang"; the breath is offensive: smell and taste
impaired; there is a sensation of dizziness, with mental depres
sion, a hacking cough and general debility. Only a few of the
above-named symptoms are likely to bo present in any one case.
Thousands of cases annually, without manifesting half of the
above symptoms, result in consumption, and end in the grave.
No disease is so common, more deceptive and dangerous, less
understood, or more unsuccessfully treated by physicians.
Lf II TM 1 J . tt - -1 ...
fl ....,,, O-.tn. I x uu a-muve an evil, nrvte at, it
CQISHOH 5EHSE 1 rsSLVi GS'SSfi J'iSA
TRFJITWFBT D weakness, impurity, or otherwise faulty
InutlfiiUlla I condition of T.hft KVRtpm In nttomntinir tr
cure the disease our chief aim must be
directed to th removal of that cause. The more we sco of this
odious disease, and we treat successfully thousands of cases an
nually at the Invalids' Hotel and Surgical Institute, the more do
we realize the importance of combining with the use of a local,
soothing and healing application, a thorough and persistent inter
nal use of blood-cleansing and tonio medicines.
In curing catarrh and all the various diseases with
uHIEF 1 rtiich it is so frequently complicated, as throat.
wuuv;uitti, uuu juug uiscases, wuan Bxomacn, ca
tarrhal deafness, weak or inflamed eyes, impure
blood, scrofulous and syphilitic taints, the wonder
ful Dowers and virtues of Dr. Pinron'R flnlrlnn fvl
leal Discovery cannot be too strongly extolled. ' It has a specific
r
fCOFTRIGHT, .1887.
effect upon the lining mucous membranes of the nasal and otber
air-passages, promoting the natural secretion of their follicles ana
glands, thereby softening the diseased and thickened mcniDrane,
and restoring it to its natural, thin, delicate, moist, healthy con
dition. As a blood-purifler. it is unsurpassed. As those di
which complicate catarrh are diseases of the lining mucous mem
branes, or of the blood, it will readily be seen why this medicine
is so well calculated to cure them.
Reliance.
Afl a local application for healing the diseased koncB
tion in the head. Dr. Safe's Catarrh Remedy is beyona
all comparison the best preparation ever invf!
It is mild and pleasant to use, producing no emamiiK
or pain, and containing no strong, irritating, ortu-
TMa TtpmMlT 18 a power
ful antiseptic, and speedily destroys all bad smell which '
panics so many cases of catarrh, thus affording great comion.
those who suffer from this disease.
Local
llGEHT.
Peblukent
Cures.
The Golden. Medical Discovery is the Mtural
not only cleanses, purifies, regulates,and duji
.... v. iv,- otonrinrfl. sou
quers throat, bronchial, and lung comphcno
whpn anr Rtich PxlrfL but. from its specif
effects upon the lining membrane of the nasal passages, " r
materially in restoring the diseased, thickened, or ulceratt-a
brane to a healthy condition, and thus eradicates the oj
Whcn a cure is effected in this manner it i permaneni.
Both Dr. Pierce's Golden Medical Discovery and :Jt
Catarrh Remedy are sold by druggists the world" over. j
$1.00, six bottles for 85.00. DrfBage's Catarrh Bemedy 50 ceo-,
balf-dozen bottles $2JX). t, .... to
A complete Treatise on Catarrh, giving valuable hmta"
clothing, diet, and other matters of importance. he ma
post-paid to any address, on receipt of a 2-cent postage sa1'
Address, World's Dispensary Medical Awc
JWO. OOO J1H1I1
PREPARED FOB THE E2?EMT.
Incensed Citizen. Be you the editor
of this here paper ?
Editor Hist ! no, I W not ! I am an
Anarchist, waiting for him with this
dynamite bomb !
(I. C. vanishes.) Pack.
NO STATUTE.
BobleyJnstice can move quietly
when she wants to. Here's a fellow 6tole
some silver-plated ware, and the same
day he was sent up for ten years.
Wiggins Ten years! I wonder what
he d have got if he had stolen a rail,
road? -
Bobley Got oft", of course. What
do you suppose the Statute of Limita
tions waa invented fori -
" : rrr. 1
i yr i mmmmmm i i vj i f i
TBI
Sold by Druggists.
23 Cont3 a Vial.
BEING PURELY VEGETAEEE,
Dr. Piercers Pellets operato without disturbance to
tne system, diet, or occupation. Put up in glass
Vials, hermetically mcd. Always fresh and relia-2.;-:Mta
fin" laxative, alterative, or active
purgative, they give the most perfect satisfaction.
Wr The original
llTTLE .LIVER PILLS.
PURELY VEGETABLE ! PERFECTLY HAR2H '
Am a ItYVER, PHX, they are Unequaled !
SMAT,T.T,RT, CHEAPEST, EASIEST TO r'AJ
Beware of Imitations, which contain Poisonous Minerals. Always a
Dr. Pierce's PeUets, which are little sugar-ooatea tone,
or Anti-bHious Granules. ONE PELLET A DOSE.
Billons Headache, Dizziness, Constipation,
Indigestion, Bilious Attacks, and all derange
ments of the stomach and bowels, are promptly re
lieved and permanently cured by the use of Dr
power over so great a variety of diseases, it may .rcTSaJ, oot
rruthfuUy be said that their action upon the system Is univt
iana or tissue escaping their sanative influence. csnfllT0
MannVtnred bj WORLD'S DISPE5S1BT XIDICH ISSW