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THE JOKER'S BUDGET. THE FUNNIEST THINGS THE PA PERS GIVE US. He Told the Truth A Soulless Cor porationIt Made a Difference His Last Words A Pleasure Trip, &C-. &c riXlSQ THE BLAilE. Judge You say tliat your father died from a sudden shock to his system! Was he an electrician? Prisoner No. He fell from a scaf fold. . Judge Oh, a bricklayer, was he? Was it his own fault ? Prisoner I think it "was the Sheriff's fault, yer honor. VEBY FOEOETFUIi. "Hellun, 'peahs like yo's fo'gittih' all yo knowed Txut cookm.' Yer's dese eggs biled as hard ez a stun, andyo's fo'got to put a speck ob salt in urn." t . A GOOD MAN. A good story is told of one of her Majesty's inspectors in mid-England. Examining the school in question, Mr. JL inquired, "What is a pilgrim?" After a pause a sturdy little imp boldly answered, "A pilgrim is a man, pleasair.' A man?"- returned the inspector severely ; "that won't do. Tell some more about a pilgrim." Another pause, broken by the examiner this time: "I'm man, you know," he said rashly; "am ; a pilgrim?" Here followed no pause but the prompt rejoinder, "Oh! no, sir, a pilgrim's a good man, sir." HE MUST HATE BEEN DRUNK. Husband What's the matter with my Iarling this morning? Wife You know well enough what's the matter. You came home drunk again last night.. "Me drunk last night never !" "But you owned up that you had been drinking." "I did, eh? Well, you can't believe half what a man- says when he's full." HE WENT WRONG. If you had turned your' steps in the right direction, my friend," he said not be in this place to-day." "Ah; no, sir," responded the convict with sad retrospection: "if I had turned my steps in the right direction I would be in Canada to-day. Life. NO HONOK IN THE EING. Professor Mold your guard lower, liiau i iuu waiib tu pruieuu yuuxaeu from body blows. tr i 3 i a at. t lvogsDy arops ms guara ana me rro fessor slugs him and recovers hand--somely.) - Cogsby (taking off gloves, and in an extremely injured tone) I hardly think 111 bowther with any more instruction. I thought I was emplawying a man of veracity I PREPARED. Young Featherly (waiting for Miss Clara) And so your sister expected me to call this evening, did she, Bobby ? Bobby Yes, sir, I guess she did. I heard her tell ma that she had set the dock an hour ahead. A QUESTION. 'Ma. doesn't it take nine tailors to 7 make a man i" "I am told so, my boy." . "Well, how many tailors does it take o make a d ude V OVERDOING THE MATTER. Fond mother I do so hope that Georgehas'studied hard at college. I have tried to impress upon his mind the value of a liberal education. Father I am afraid, my dear, that you have rather overdone the matter. I had to send him a check for an extra S200 to-day. Life. LOVE. Aged suitor I shall love you as long as I live. Young Lady What I want is some body who will love me as long as I live. FITTED FOR BUSINESS. Ice Dealer (to applicant) Ever been in the ice business, boy? Boy No, sir. Ice Dealer H-m: Know anything about arithmetic? Boy Yes, sir, r . Ice Dealer H-'ml What would 20 pounds of ice amount to at a cent and a half a pound? Boy Seventy-five cents, sir. Ice Dealer H-m! You seem a likely lad. I guess I'll give you a trial. Life, .TO BE SORRY. ? " " s Dying Benedict I , bequeath every dollar to my wife. Have you got that down? ' f j Lawyer Yes. ' ( Dying Benedict On conditions that she marries within a year. . v : i -Lawyer But why insist upon that ? h Dying Benedict Because 1 want somebody to be sorry that I died.- Har ver's Bazar. . - ,. - Df WHITE. A horse! a horse!" Kins Richard cried, - .. But no horse met his right. He donned a female garb; his head He coyered with a wig of red, And in a trice, lo! at his side t :. Appeared a horse of white! ----- - The Judge, WHY HE DIDN'T STRIKE. "Dennis, why don't you strike ?" "An phat should I do that for ?" "The work's too hard for the pay you get. The idea of going np that ladder all day long!" - -' - -' "But I only go up half the day, but." "How can you make that appear?" "Becase, sur, I spends the other half of it in comin' down." ' A LITTLE VEXED. "Adolphus, d'ye know that Tm a little vexed at Miss Simmons ?" "What happened, Arthur, old boy I" "Well, you know I pride myself on my singing. We were at the piano. Til sing one more song and then go home, I saidJ" "Was it late?" "About midnight." f And what did she say ?" "She said, 'Can't you go homo first ?' "And did you?" "Yes, Adolphus. I tell you I'm a lit tle vexed about it." A SETTER. "Do you know of anybody who has a good dog for sale ?" asked one travelling man of another. "Yes, I've got one myself. Fine animal. I think he would just suit you." "What kind of a dog is it ?" "A setter." "A setter?" "Yes. Shall I bring him around to show him to you ?". "No, thanks. I've got a whole back yard full of hens. I want a dog." Mer cliant Traveller HIS FATHER. Father So the teacher kept you in after school for being late this afternoon, did he? Tommy Yes, sir. "But I wrote you an excuse." "I know it, but I didn't want to give you away to the teacher, so I kept it in my pocket." "How give me away?" "It was full of misspelled words." Siftings. HIS SHARE. "Oh, yes," remarked Ketchlv, in a self-satisfied way. Lulu and I will start out in married life under very favorable circumstances. Her mother gives us a neat little home, her father furnishes it, and her Undo Do Long has stocked one of the neatest stables in the city. Besides, Lulu has a snug income in her own name." , "What part do you furnish?" "Well principally the name prin cipally the name." A DEATH TRAMP. The other day an exhausted stranger dropped apparently dead in a Pittsburgh street. He was carried into a drugstore, and slowly revived. Meanwhile it . was noticed that the soles of his shoes had been worn away, and that he clutched in his hand a note that read as follows: "Dear husband Do not come home until you have matched the enclosed sample of worsted. Your loving little wifey." Several married men present express ed surprise that the stranger had recov ered at all. All the heroes o! the coun try do not die on the battlefield. HARD TO COMPLY WITH. Parson Cowles Ain't dis Mistah Kee ter's liddle Petey? Little Petey (speaking thickly) Z-h-umph! Parson Cowles Spit that out, chile, whadjers god in you mouf, en talk so's 'rkin undahstan'! Little Petey C-cain't. Dey's mumps. TidBits. SINGING. "Don't you sing?" inquired the musi cal young lady of the new arrival at the hotel; "why, how stupid of you!" "If you'd ever heard me try," said the young man, with an accent of con viction, "you'd think it was everlasting smart of me." MITIGATING CIRCUMSTANCES. Magistrate Under what circum stances, Uncle Bastus, were you induced to violate the law ? Uncle Bastus Dey was mitigatin circumstances, sah; dat's what dey was. A POINTED ADMISSION. On the way to Colorado Springs Algernon (his first Western trip) Aw, I suppose you see a good many queei people 'round here, don't you? Native Waal, yes, stranger when the trains from the East come in. Life. A bund man died1 recently in Chiches ter workhouse,' England, who had been an inmate .of that' institution for seventy years. He entered at the age of nine and passed his whole life there. A THUELOTT TFEED STOUT- How he jrot A round the - Famous . "Nephew of his Uncle." . . It will be remembered that early in the war Mr. Weed was despatched to Europe on a special diplomatic mission connected with the capture of Slidell and Mason, the fitting out in foreign waters of rebel cruisers, the blockade of South ernports, fec . . - His - first 'objective, point, was. the French Court, and he landed at Havre. He remained in Parisr some time in con sultation with our Minister and others. Then he crossed the channel, and while in London was the special guest of the great American banking firm of Pea bodv. Morsran & Co. , One morning,, while, sitting in the private office of the firm, Mr. Morgan showed him a copy of what purported to be a circular letter, which was ob tained by Mr. Morgan at the Foreign Office. This letter which had been sur reptitiously sent from Paris, foreshadow ed the position which Louis Napoleon was to assume in his message to the Chamber upon American affairs. Mr. Weed quietly pocketed the copy, packed his bag and immediately left for Paris. He was well acquainted with one of the prominent bankers in Paris, whom he had known while the latter was a merchant in New York. The banker was a favorite at court, and on his arrival Mr. Weed proceeded to the banker's chambers. He showed him the copy, which included this passage in the forthcoming message : ' 'The filling up of the harbor of Charleston, S. C.t is an unparalleled instance of civiliz ed barbarity, and it is time the Europe an Powers should interfere," &c, &c The banker read it carefully then Eaused. All at once he .exclaimed; "I ave it! You know that the Emperor prides himself upon following directly in the steps of his illustrious uncle. - Now in the great Napoleon's reign pre cisely the same thing occurred by order of the Emperor." "But have you proof of this ?" asked Weed. "Here it is," replied the banker, as he took down a book and opening to the page where te order was given by Napoleon to fill up the harbor of Cher bourg in order to prevent the approach of an Eoglish fleet. "Now," continued the banker, "I will arrange for a meeting between you and the Emperor to-morrow at ten o'clock. You take this book with you and keep your finger on the page, but look out for Morny." "Will you not accompany me?" asked Weed. "No, that would destroy the effect." The next morning Mr. Weed present ed himself before the Emperor, who was surrounded with officials, whom he dis missed, saying: "I have special business with a foreign Minister." All retired but Moray.. Louis Napoleon could talk English' as well as French, and Weed at once plung ed into the master by showing the Em peror the copy he had brought with him from London. Turning to Morny, the Emperor said, "We have been betray ed." It proved so, as an under secre tary had been paid the sum of 10,000f. to furnish a copy to the English. Napoleon then proceeded to justify his proposed measure by saying that sinking stone barges in the harbor of Charleston, thus shutting out the port from the commerce of the world, was unprecedented in the history of civiliza tion. "No, Sire," remarked Mr Weed. "Your illustrious uncle did the same thing.". "When and where?" demanded Napo leon. Weed then opened the book and point ed out the paragraph. The Emperor was silenced. Weed saw his advantage and pursued it. ' jSire," he said, "there are four cruisers fitting out in French waters to carry the rebel flag." "Napoleon paused for a few moments; then, turning to Mr. Weed he remark ed: "Not one of them shall leave a French port." Mr. Weed retired from the presence of his majesty, well satisfied with the result of his visit, and returned immedi ately to London. The obnoxious clause in the Emperor's speech was stricken out and the would be rebel cruisers never left a French port. Boston Travel ler, He Did Not Walk. The heavy-hearted villain of the Stranded Comedy Company walked boldly into the office of the railroad superintendent, and greeted that re sponsible dignitary with a familiar nod. Unabashed by the astonished look in the eyes of the stiff-necked official, he introduced his business without waiting to be prompted. "Say! I want you to give me a pass to Boston." "A pass? to Boston? What for, sir?" "Because I live down that way." "That may be, sir; but what claim have you on this road ? We can't do it for you." The villain hesitated, but was not lost. "See here! Where are the overseers of the poor in this town ?" "Well, I happen to be one of them myself. Why?" "Then I want you to send me to the poorhouse. Tm a pauper, and Tm just going to put myself on this town. Show's busted; I haven't a cent, and if you can't give me a pass I , can't get away. Guess I'll go to the poorhouse till the season opens and I can get an other job. . Look after me as soon as you can,. pi ease, because I want to wash, up and get something to eat. ' "What do you say , "Mr. Penholder, give this man, a pass to Boston." BUFFALO BILL HELD THE LINES, A Drive In Medicine Creek Valley that Shook up Gen, Sheridan. Gen. Sheridan has often visited Omaha, and his face is familiar to many of our citizens, in whose hearts he holds a warm place. Of all his visits to Omaha none is more memorable than that in January, 1872, rhea he and his staff came here , to meet the Grand Duke Alexis of Russia and . suite and to go with them on a grand hunt in the west ern part of the State, which ' was then thickly 4 populated" with buffaloes. The buffalo hunt, which was conducte undo the direction of Gen. Sheridan, was a very successful affair. The details were executed by Buffalo Bill, who was a great favorite with Sheridan. During the hunt a grand war dance was given by Spotted Tail and his Indians, 1,300 in all, who had been brought down from their agency by Buffalo Bill to entertain the visitors. On the return from the hunt the Grand Duke and Gen. Sheridan took seats in a double-seated open car riage drawn by four splendid cavalry horses, which were not much used to the harness. The driver was Bill Beed, an overland stage driver. On the way in the Grand Duke frequently expressed his admiration of the skilful manner in which Beed handled the reins. Sheridan informed him that Buffalo Bill had also been a stage driver in the Rocky Moun tains, and thereupon His Highness ex pressed a desire to see him drive. Buffalo Bill was in advance and Sheridan sang out to him: "Cody, get in here and show the Duke how you can drive. Mr. Beed will change places with you and ride your horse." "All right, General," responded Cody, and in a few moments he had the reins and the horses were dancing over the prairie. When they were approaching Medicine Creek, Sheridan said : " Shake 'em up a little, Bill, and give us some old-time staie driving." Bill gave the horses a crack or two of the whip and they struck an unusually rapid gait. They had a light load to pull and kept increasing their speed at every jump. Bill found it diffi cult to hold them. They fairly flew over the ground. At last, they reached a steep hill or divide, which led down into the valley of the Medicine. There was no brake on the wagon, and the horses were not much on the hold-back. Bill saw that it would be impossible to stop them. All he could do was to keep them straight in the track and let them go it down the hill for three miles, which dis tance was made, it is claimed, in about six minutes. Every once in a while the wheels would strike a rut and take a bound, and not touch the ground again for fifteen or twenty feet. The Duke and the General were kept rather busy in holding their positions on the seats, but when they saw that Bill was keep ing the horses straight in the road they seemed to enjoy the dash. Bill was un able to stop thb horses until they ran into the camp where they were to obtain a fresh relay. The Grand Duke said he didn't want any more of that kind of driving, as he preferred to go a little slower. Gen. Sheridan laughed and said: "That is nothing unusual in this western country. We do everything out here with a grand rush." Omaha Herald Swindling a Poor Woman. About ten days ago a handsome gypsy woman, calling herself Mrs. Druella, ac companied by a boy and small girl, and by a man who claimed to be her husband but who called himself Joseph Cooper, reached Parkersburgh, W. Va., from near Dayton, ;0., says the Baltimore American. They took extensive apart ments at a boarding house. The woman claimed to be able to tell fortunes and was visited by quite a number, among them a widow named Mrs. Urick. The widow had recently been robbed and wanted the gypsy to find the stolen property. She had also been unfortunate in an en terprise at Point Pleasant, and wanted some assistance. She visited the gypsy several times and was finally told by the woman that she would restore her prop erty to her, and give her other desired information, provided she would raise $1,000 and allow her to use it in per forming the mysterious ceremony by which she was to obtain the information. She said she wanted the -money simply to place on the fortune stone or "platen, as she called it, and would then return it. She .also promised the widow to leave the little girl with her as a pledge for the return of the money. The poor woman scraped together all her money, drew every cent she had in the bank, and, without a penny left she took the $1,000 to the gypsy, accepted the little girl as a pledge for its return, and awaited the result. This' was on Friday, and on Saturday she was to re turn for the money. When she went she found that the party had fled, taking every cent she had in the world with them. The little pledge was left behind. The poor woman has not enough left to buy bread. For some reason she did not inform the police until last night, and there is but little hope of capturing the swindlers or the money, as they had several days the start. I see sometimes in the street, says a city newspaper man,a really pretty girl, or one who would be, were not her face spoiled and being spoiled more and more by the peevish or discontented state of mind she is in a girl who looks as if she had just got off some "hard words" with her mother or sister, or somebody else, and is "still going through with it all and giving them all a piece of hermind. But keeping this up does her a great deal of harm. It is bring ing on ugliness. It weakens the stom ach. It poisons the blood. It drives the best people from her.; It attracts and brings the worst. It ruins the com plexion. The first musical notes were used in 1338. SHE .SIGHS FOR X SAILqr Thirty Years ago She bye. Bat She Walt. for H,m From the Manchester f i? r . ' Shortly after 8 o'dock'y0 woman took up her station south-east corner of S? t station. She was not far frnL2 age. Her form . r..i hair was silvered with vearaaJ? and her face was nV Her round grey eyes were deW seemed weary from consUntwv The woman's comnk,;.. 1 Wltc2. been of the fairest blond trr; eye; 1 pre years. She w o! a dref of dingyf dark b" Closely yrapped about her was a rusty plaid shawl, and vZnV head rested a hat VPn. material, of a style or rather Uck5 style, unknown to the women ofV present day. In her clasped hd, a grasped a well-worn leather w bag. The sun was a Wt an ho fcS setting when she took up her pg? It had sunk into the west and hriS had long given place to darkness. , she ceased her weary vigil tni Erv turned away. .T And not last night alone as woman at her post. She has been the! night after night, not for eU JJ months only, but for long wearr The frost and blizzard of winter lS given place to the sunshine and hoe4 of spring, and the seed time has bJa succeeded bv the harvest; manv t since she first took up her stkioa b almost the self-same spot that ahe diJ last night-Babies have been born, r& ed through their infancy, enjoyed tb sports and pastimes of childhood pro through youth to maturity, married asj seen children of their own come to gkj. den the homes which they haTe made since this woman first began her vreaZ vigils. J Nearly thirty years ago this woam, then younc and fair, was courted ird admired by many. But upon one ih fixed her affections, and to him throcgi all the years that have since intervenei she has remained as constant as tia needle to the polar star. Her lover fo! lowed the sea as a means of livelihood, and one day he left her and went inr on a voyage. Before he left theT bj plighted their faith, and when he re turned from his perilous journey iati glad spring time, when the buds b!o somed and the birds carrolled, and iH nature seemed to rejoice, he was to leal her to the alter. But when the sprin? came her sailor lover did not return til f no message came to explain his abseact Whether disaster or death prevented ct whether he proved false and perfidioni ia not known, but he never came bad The grief and disappointment caasel the woman a long sickness, and vhea her bodily ills were healed, her mind, alas, was diseased. She became poseiJ with the hallucination that her lover va coming back, and as soon as she ins &b!e she went to the railway station to jrwt him home, and almost everj day since, winter and summer, spring and sutem, fair weather and foul, she has been there on the same errand. She is very retir ing in her disposition, and seldom ever frequents the waiting rooms, or miazles with the crowd upon the platform, but jnst outside the station she takes up i po sition where she can see the trains u they draw in, and there she waits aai waits, in vain.: Eagerly she scans the face of each stranger who passes her way, but jwhen any one addresses her, which is seldom, she stares at them-. cahtly and makes no reply. "VThen t.e last train has come and pone for the night and the employees about the st tion are extinguishing the lights she generally walks wearily away, only ta return and resume her vigil on the suc ceeding day. Since she began waits? the population of Manchester has dou bled and trebled, a score of trams bo come where three or four came fonnerljt -the oil lamps Tiave given place to and gas in turn to electricity, ft gea tion has been born and grown to p:a hood and womanhood. But seemingij taking no note of the passage of the poor creature daily seeks the rw way station and probably will contttw to do so until disease and death s-u release her from her self-imposed tast It TTent, Ail the Same. They were seated as usual. I helifj I do not need to explain. The-T,7 reached that confidential state, after months of anxiety and donWs i fears as to whether she loved him or having found out thftt she was oiuy willing, he felt like backing out . . "Well, you see I am poor, dear-. "I don't care. It does not cost to keep wife." "No, I suppose not." "Not when one loves, George. "No, I suppose not." "Ah, you think I am extravag am not. It's all well when pa know. That's all right But if your ynie " "Dearest!" -i I C "Yes, I can be so economy ! doesn't really cost any more to P than one." Bf a if Yes, I suppose so; yes. But pends upon which one." "O, I can keep house. "Yes, dearest, but can 11 "I can cook." -.wouto "Mv love, I would not ; wish J any hard work. I dotTWt to soil your dainty hands. " think, dear, we might live taurant until until "Until whenl" to1 "Until I could brace mp what you cooked." . she85. Even that did not help hi: "All right," and laughed, ano ding goes. San Franntco It costs . "Whiskey is expensive. dollars and sense. '
The Wilson Mirror (Wilson, N.C.)
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July 11, 1888, edition 1
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