THE JOKER'S BUDGET.
WHAT THE HUMOROUS MEN
HAVE TO SAY THIS WAR3I
WEATHER.
Did Not Consider It Great-Self-Sacrifice
It was Very Warm Papa
Would Cook After the Conven
tions, &c, &c.
a victim;.
If ever there was a victim of misplaced
confidence in this self -seeking world it is
the man who imagines that he is making
the congregation believe that he is wide
awake while he is taking a little nap in
church. SomerxUle Journal,
' THANKS.
Runaway Conple in Kentucky to Min
isterWill you join us ? '
Minister Thanks; I don't care if I do.
WasJiington Critic. -
. BIG HEAD.
Cawdle What an astonishingly big
head your child has, Dawdle I How in
the world do you account for it ?
Dawdle Well, you see, old fellow, at
the time we were married my wife was
leading lady in an amateur dramatic
company. .
BBOKEN BEST.
"John," she said, "last night you mut
tered in your sleep a good deal about
chips.' "
"Yes, it must have been some Sara
toga chips I ate down town at lunch.
I'm afraid they are not very digesti
ble." '
SOMETHING CHOICE.
"1
'Enny good butter ?" inquired an old
lady of the grocer.
''There's never any flies on our butter,
madam."
Then the old lady, whose knowledge
of English is limited, said: -
"Well, if flies won't eat it, 'taint good
'nough f er me," and she went across the
way where only the choice brands are
sold.
MENTAL ' TROUBLE. '
Patient Doctor, I "can't sleep at
night. I tumble and toss until morn
ing. Doctor H'm, that's bad. Let me
see your tongue. (After diagnosis):
Physically you are all right. Perhaps
you worry over that bill you've owed me
for the past two years. Tidbits,
PAINFUL SUSPENSE.
"I say, Jones, do you know much
about Griggs V
"No, but I shall this afternoon."
"How's that?"
"I lent him $2 yesterday, and he pro
mised to pay it back at 3 o'clock to
day." A LINGERING PARTING.
Old man (from the floor above) Is
that voung man still in the parlor,
Clara?
Young man (nervously) Yes, sir; but
he is trying to get away. Harper's
Bazar,
WELL SCHOOLED.
Jack Goodfellow's Small Brother
Jack, is there any past tense of due ?
Jack (gloomily) Yes. dan. Harvard
Lampoon: '
WISDOM: '
Confirmed Bachelor How time does
fly, Miss Seaside ! Why, it was ten
years ago that you refused me on this
spot. Miss Seaside (who wishes she
hadn't) So long as that ! I was young
and foolish then, Mr. Smith. Confirm
ed Bacholer But we are both older and
wiser now. Harvard Lampoon.
' SOUTHWESTERN HOSPITALITY.
Native Be you th' artist feller thet's
stopping up t' th' hotel ?
Mr. Crume (of New York) I am.
Native I heerd that you was in
. quirin' f er a chance ter pipe off some
still life. I've got a daisy apple-jack
plant jest over th' divide, that you're
welcome t' draught out. Tid-Bits.
INFORMATION BY POST.
Policeman (to new resident) Say,
there! Wh'at're you trying to stuff that
letter into the fire alarm box for ?
New Resident (franctically dancing
around the box) G'way. - There's a fire
at our house and I'm going to send for
the Fire Department. Burlington Free
Prees.
TWO IN ONE CHAIR.
"Ducky?"
"Whatty,'.'
"Do you think I am making any pro
gress in courting ?" .
"Well, I should say you were hold
ing your own."
Tableau San Francisco Post.
ACQUIRED IN FLORIDA.
A man who has spent a season in
Florida passed through Smithville re
cently, en route to the North. He said
he was taking home with him one wife,
three rattlesnakes, an alligator and a
receipt for board. The latter he con
sidered the greatest curiosity of all.
CONSULAR SERVICE.
Brown (to Robinson, returned from
abroad) You say you were robbed in
Italy?
Robinson Yes, they took every cent
I had.
- Brown I suppose you went to the
American Consul for help.
Robinson Yes, and he wanted me to
lend him $5.
v HE KNEW IT.
Old Gent, (sarcastically to young one
who has a very fair oDinion of Vns nwn
ability) So, you think you have a great
nead on your snouiders t
Young Gent No, sir. I don't think
so; I know so. I was oxit all night with
ine Doys. nuriingzon f ree Jfress.
SUBURBAN SUMMER LIFE.
Lady Fair (in her summer villa) Per
kins, have the Pinkerton guards had
their breakfast ? .
Perkins Yes, madam; they are now
cleaning and reloading their Winches
ters. "Have the night sentinels come in
from the park ?"
."They have, madam, and they report
that no gangs of tramps have been seen
since midnight."
"VerywelL Request the guards to
form ranks and be ready to accompany
me. I ynsh to walk a few moments in
the garden." Omaha World.
A SHALL AMOUNT. '
Judge you have been convicted of
forging & check for $96.
Doomed Man I hope Your Honor
will take into consideration that it is a
small amount.
"Just so. I do take that fact into
consideration."
"I'm glad to hear that.
"It is my opinion that the man who
forged a check for 96, not having
sufficient self-respect to make it at least
$100, deserves no mercy. Ten years at
hard labor.'
A GENEROUS OFFER.
They were riding together in the
moonlight, and he was trying hard to
think of something pleasant to say. All
of a sudden she gave a slight shiver.
"Are you cold, MissHattie?" ho asked,
anxiously. "I will put my coat around
you if you like."
"Well, yes," said she, shyly, with an
other little shiver; "I am a little cold, I
confess; but you needn't put your coat
around me. One of the sleeves will do."
SomertiUe Journal.
A MILD INTEREST.
He (at the Boston ball grounds) Are
you interested in baseball, Miss Pene
lope? She Only mildly so.
He Isn't that Kelly at the bat ?
She Yes, and he has made a hit (ex
cited) Oh, watch how beautifully he
picks up his feet, and he is sliding for
second (shouting) Good boy, Kelly!
J udge.
A SUMMER VACATION.
Minister's Wife I am so glad that
you are going to Europe for the sum
mer, Jasper. I think it was so noble of
the church to give you this delightful
trip. Of course I should like to go, too,
but that is out of the question.
Minister Oh, yes.
Wife What is your sermon for to
day? Minister "The poor ye have always
with you." The Epoch,
GROWLING.
He was mumbling about tough steak
and cold coffee, and making himself
generally disagreeable. "Don't growl
so over your breakfast, John," said his
wife, "nobody is going to take it away
from you." The Epoch.
HOME AGAIN.
Mr. Chris Cross Say, love, a gen'le-
man men s just brought me home all
right!
Mrs. Cross Oh, thanks; and now, if
he is not too tired, I'd like to have him
take you away again!
AN EXCELLENT SUBSTITUTE.
Woman (to tramp) Why don't you
u., e i i t t zl
lramp Madam, I am too poor to buy
even toothpicks,
Woman That so ? AVhat d'ye do fer
toothpicks ?
Tramp I have to use barb wire fences.
THE TRIALS OF LIFE.
"Don't you find the life of a tramp
verv disagreeable ?"
"Not generally, but I'm very much
downcast to-day." ,
"Really."
"Yes, I'm a victim of misplaced confi
dence."
"How's that?"
"Well, I sawa'grocer wrap up a box
of sardines and lay it on the counter. 1
grabbed for it and ran. I loped about
two miles before 1 opened it, and then
I found a cake of soap. I had struck
the wrong package. No, life isn't al
ways a bower of roses. "-7-Lincoln Journal
NOT VERY ANXIOUS.
Lady at the polls I want to vote,
sir.
Election Judge All right, mum: how
old are you ?
liady What ?
J udge How old are you ?
Lady Do I have to tell that?
Judge Certainly, mum.
Lady Thanks, I don't want to vote
as bad as that. WasJi. Critic.
COLORED.
The following conversation occurred
in Cambridge. The "Gertie" referred
to is tne colored nurse girJ 01 the fam
ily:
"Mamma, did God make me?" said a
little girl.
"Yes, dear."
"Did God make Gertie, too?"
"Yes, dear."
A short pause.
"Well, I'm glad he got through mak
ing colored ones before he got to me."
Boston Times,
A NEW MEPHTSTOPHELES.
"Mary, do you see that tall man across
the street 1"
"Yes. What about him?"
"He has caused more human hearts to
ache, he has brought more scalding
tears to the eyes of men, and he has
driven the sunshine from more homes
than any other man in the United
States."
"Gracious. Why, what is he ?"
"He's the proprietor of one of the
most successful matrimonial agencies in
the country." Nebraska State Journal.
CRABS AJTD THUJiDEE.
Why the Soft Shells are so Often
Cheap and Numerous.
From the Kew York Sun. .
Dnrinc mnftli nf the Dast week SOft-
shell crabs have been unusually abund
ant about town. Nocturnal peddlers
have hawked them about in .saloons by
basketfnls; piles of them have appeared
on bars, with the ticket displayed above
them, " ten cents each;" and even the
free-lunch caterers have supplied them
to their patrons in quantities. Ten
cents each may appear to afford at least
a fair liviDg profit on good crabs bought
alive in considerable lots at from 40 to
65 cents a dozen, but in reality the
profit on that sort of crabs is small.
Cleaning and cooking them, the mater
ial employed in breading them, the
labor of lugging them all over town to
find purchasers and the Worcestershire
sauce and toast furnished with them, are
considerable items in the calculations of
the peddlers. Saloon keepers, whose trade
teaches them to despise a profit of less
than 75 per cent., have no use for the
crab business except perhaps as a con
cession to the requirements 01 style
where they have to take the trouble of
supplying the delicacy themselves and
know that they cannot make more than
three, or possibly only two cents per
crab.
"But, if the crabs cost so much," asks
the unsophisticated one, "how is it that
the caterers who make a business of sup
plying free lunches to beer shops and
third-rate liquor saloons can afford to
supply them so lavishly, at about the
same figures that they do the abomina
tions already described by TJie Sunt"
Simply by reason of the frequency ol
thunder storms within the past week.
To those unacquainted with the extreme
nervous susceptibility of the crab, cause
and effect may seem widely separat
ed in that proposition, but it is
perfectly correct all the same. Let a
Shrewsbury crab grower put aboard a
train for New York 500 dozen of hia
largest, finest, fattest crabs, all alive
and wiggling, nicely packed in cool,
wet eel grass. Then let one sharp crack
of thunder roll over the train, and by
the time its echoes have ceased every
crab in the lot will be as dead as any
Pharaoh mummified 2,000 years ago.
"Why does thunder kill them?" No
body knows any more about the reason
than that it seems to be a fatal shock to
their sensitive minds. But the fact is
that it does so, which is the main
thing.
Those crabs if delivered in New York
alive would have been worth 75 cents, or
perhaps $1 a dozen, and even if not
very big ones would have readily com
manded 40 to 60 cents. But when they
arrive dead, the dealer to whom they are
consigned makes all possible haste to
get rid of them as quickly as possible for
any price he can get, for he knows that
in three or four hours that remaining on
his hands will not only be a total loss, but
a nuisance that it will cost him some
thing to get rid of. :
The peddlers and free lunch caterers,
who keep a sharp lookout for such busi
ness opportunities, are quickly on hand
to buy up the spoiled crabs If the
thunder caught the timid creatures
about the time that the train was get
ting into Jersey City, so that they are
still tolerably fresh, as much as three
cents apiece may be got for the first lots
but the price quickly falls to two cents,
one cent, and even lower.
When bread scraps from hotel and re
staurant tables, rebaked and rolled fine,
are used instead of cracker dust for
breading, :with an "imitation" made
largely of corn starch, and the cooking
is done in a cheap grade of cotton-seed
oil, the profit on this sort of crabs,
even at very low prices, may be consid
erable. Physicians differ as to the" effect
upon the digestive organs of partially
decomposed crabs, some saying , they do
no harm, while others affirm that they
have upon some persons a mildy poison
ous effect. However that may be, it will
be noticed that the peddlers generally
urge upon their best customers the lib
eral use of Worcestershire sauce with
them. It is a singular fact, withal, that
though there are thousands of
dozens of thunder-killed crabs sold in
New York every season, it is extremely
difficult to find a man who will admit
that he ever bought one.
An American Duchess.
The American Duchess, is the name
which London has already bestowed on
His Grace of Marlborough's bride. There
is great curiosity about her, her appear
ance, her fortune, her family, her future
and her relations to her husband's fami
ly. On the latter point all doubts are
put at rest by the dowager Duchess of
Marlborough, who approved of the
match from the first and who announces
that they will come to her house in Gros
venor Square for the first week or two of
their stay in London. That disposes of
the social question. The position of the
Duke's mother is such that her support
will insure the new ' Duchess a good
reception. "Anybody with 60,000 a
year will have a good reception in Lon
don," growled one elderly cynic. That
is not quite so, as at least one recent ex
ample shows. But a lady who enters
London society, backed by the Marlbor
ough family, which includes the Dowag
er Duchess and Lady Curzon and Lady
Bandolph Churchill, has little to fear.
The American has bought Earl Brown
low's mansion in Carlton House Terrace,
which she and her husband will present
ly occupy. London IfespatcJi.
A St. Louis hotel clerk claims to have
made the discovery that tall men sleep
later in the . morning than short men,
and that persons of a dark complexion
invariably require more rest than
blondes.
An Orthodox SquIrreL
My attention was arrested the other
day by what I saw in the window of a
little shop. Cages hung from wires and
hooks, while their occupants seemed in
tent upon making the most of their
limited space, by leaping from side to
side, and from top to bottom. Attracted
by an idle curiosity, I entered and ac
costed the proprietor.
"Well, my friend, you have, quite a
show of animals. This is a small men
agerie in its way, is it not ?"
"Bather, sir; I call it my theological
shop," said he. "Possibly you may not
think it, sir, but these birds and squir
rels have a deal of human nature in 'em.
Here, now, is a cage with only one
squirrel in it. He represents a large and
respectable class of religionists. See
how sleek and quiet he is. He can't
bite anything. He's what I call a
thorough orthodox squirrel."
"How, then, does he get his living ?
How does he crack those nuts in his
cage?"
'He doesn't crack anything," replied
the man. "He fumbles over the nuts
and waits until I get time to crack them
for him. I'll tell you how this came
about. He has long been the pet of a
party whotook especial pleasure in pre
paring his'f ood for him. In order to save
the little fellow time and trouble, his
master cracked all his nuts, and now the
poor squirrel's teeth have grown out of
shape, and can't possibly knaw anything
that is hard."
"Well, what has this to do with the
ology?" "Oh, a great deal, as I shall now show
von. He is iust like a erreat many good
feople that belong to the church. They
ive spiritually on the Bible and the
terms of their creed, but these things
have to be cooked before they are eaten.
The clergymen and commentators crack
all hard questions and make them so
palatable the believers have only to be
lieve; they never think of thinking for
themselves on any doubtful or knotty
point. After a while they lose the pow
er of doing otherwise, and so live on
what others are pleasad to feed them
with. T, P. Wilson, M. D.
Hade Blind in an Instant.
A catastrophe such as few men have
the stoicism to bear and few survive, has
come like a thunderclap upon Charles
Cullman of 52 Browne street. Last
Saturday night, while auditing the books
of the Bellevue Building Association, at
their rooms on McMicken avenue, he
turned suddenly to one of the bystand-
rsand angrily exclaimed:
" Why do you turn out the eras ? I'm
not through yet."
"Turn out . the gas! What's the
matter with you? The gas is burn
ing." "My God, then I'm blind V cried
Cullman, and, sinking back in his
chair, from which he had arisen in his
excitement, he buried his face in his
hands and moaned and wept like a
child.
Dr. Schwartmeyer, his regular physic-
lcan, was hastily sent for, and only ar
rived to confirm the worst fears.
Cullmnn was indeed blind.
Without a premonitory sign, without
a warning, the blow had come, and as
he sat there bemoaning his sad fate,
eyes grew dim. Friends took him by
the hand and trembled with emotion as
they tried to speak words of hope and
comfort, lhe stricken man only moan
ed. "My wife ! My little ones !"
A diagnosis followed, and - it was dis
covered that Cullman had for some time
been a sufferer from Bright's disease of
the kidney s. The exudations of the
albumen from these organs caused
ursemic blood poisoning, which gradual
ly prevaded the whole system of the
sufterer. btep by step the disease spread,
and contraction of the kidneys followed,
resulting in inflammation of the retina or
optic nerve, hopelessly destroying the
sight forever. The case, although not
an isolated one, is extremely rare, death
generally ensuing before such a crisis
arrives. Cincinnati Enquirer.
John T. Hunter, a Philadelphian
claims to have been the first man to en
listinl8Gl. He telegraphed Govenor
n j." rr i - . -
turuu ouenng xus services .April o. .
A Common-Sense Remedy.
In the matter of curatives what you want is
something: that will do its work while you
continue to do yours a remedy that will give
you no inconvenience nor interfere with your
business, pfuch a remedy is Axlcock's Pou-
ous Plasters. These plasters are purely
vegetable and abso utely harmless. They require-no
change of diet, and are not affected
by wet or cold. Their action does not interfere
with labor or busin s; you can toil and yet be
cured while hard at work. They are so pure
that the youngest, the oldest, the most delicate
person of eithsr sex call use them with great
benefit.
Beware of imitations, and do not be deceived
by misrepresentation
Askf :r ALLCOCK's,and let no explanation
cr solicitation induce you to accept a sub
stitute.
It doesn't matter how touch a vouncr man
may be, a good looking girl is very likely to
oreax mm up.
JACOBS
CURES
Hog Cholera and all
Diseases of Hogs.
K3-GEXEP.AL DIRECTIONS.-Uee freely
In the hog swill. If they will not eat drenel
with milk into which a fni! quantity o
the Oil is put.
Sold by DruggiiU and Dealer Ercryxohere.
THE CHARLES A. V0GEIER CO- Ealtimort. lid.
' 1 -
wood made a hot tW i, .e d Gr
der water longer than 5 .&tJ to.
0
ford. He swam out iTJ V1 E
disappeared, while friends on
"" ungues to nma
w vt wio:u tilt) record thfv 3
alarmed, went after him i2
alarmed, went after him antf T3
out his lifeless bodv tt g?
wager, in one sense, for the b
cided that he had not droL fr d
death Mi.tedtfr1
w ucdtjr mem.
A Basinefla.lik..
s& assess?
faith, $5C0 f or a case o 4
they cannot cure. Th? Kemcdt i a wl
orusrffista at only 50 centaT -im.'1 b.
remedy has fairly attained a worn Jul
falUnsfrom the head inKhtwT
tunes profuse. watery, and wSl-
named;if therVi, ffiS?fc -gf nff
nesa, hacking or conghln to cw ,&rsYdeJ
expectoration o' offenTif , f?.'!L? ''t
witn scabs from ulcers; the voice 2?-
offensive; smelUnd taste imSc brtJU
of dizziness, with mental
e cough and general debility. Ton . X?1'
irfinm nasal ..otok m urr SUCfr.
,UU1 mcuwr me number a1
versity of symptoms. Thousands? JJS
nil ally, without manifeaiin . iT "l Aa-
svmptoms, result in consumption and. 55
the crave. No disease i n ea a
ceptive and dangerous, or less und7r3
more unsuccessfully treated by physiciaS'
.T .VlUlllll I. TT1A. J
"When an Arab of the desert w&ntatounc t.
Vila ciatpr ia rrrtincr tn Ia.ta "
if
he
-" - t-'-n Hume i or ik wLi'
The Homeliest Man In Town,
As well as the handsomest, and others n
Invited to call on any druggist and get fr
trial bottle of Kemp's Balsam for theTtroaj
and Lungs, a remedy that is selling enUrelj
upon its merits and is guaranteed to cure &aj
relieve all Chronic and Acute Coughs, Asthm,
Bronchitis and Consumption. Large bottW
50 cents and Si-
Mrs. Partington claims that then .r.
people nowadays who suffer from
of the brain." -00
When a threatening lung; disorder
Shows its hrst proclivity, '
Do not let it cross the border
Quell it with activity.
Many a patient, young or olden.
Owes a quick recovery
All to Dr. Pierce's Golden
Medical' Discovery.
Only a question of time A fast trottai
ecord.
Would you know the keen delight
Of a wholesome appetite.
Unrestrained by colic's dire,
'Headache's curse, or fever's lire,
Thoughts morose, or ley chills?
Then use Dr. Pierre's pills.
Dr. Pierce's Pureative Pelletts the ori?!al
and only genuine Little Liver Pills; 2S cents
vial.
An "old stamping-ground" The Post-OSce.
If afflicted with sore eyes, ue Dr. Isue Tbrnnp'
son's Eye-Water. Druggists sell at 25a per botUe.
Fob Special Rates for advertising in Uai paper
apply to the publisher of the paper. I W
0.0
0 0
YOU
from Biliousness, Constipation,
Piles, Sick Headache, Sour Stom
ach, Colds, Liver Trouble, Jaun
dice, Dizziness, Bad Taste in the
Juoutn, etc. You ncca suuer
no longer.
WARNER'S SAFE PILLS
will cure you. They hare
cured teii of thousands.
They possess these "pbintsofsn-
periority: sugar coated; pnrely
vegetable, contain pocalog
mercury or mineral of anytinjt
do not gripe ; never sicken ;easyta
take; mild in operation ;jmdjof
these reasons are espcciallytbc
favorites of women. Ask for
WARNER'S SATTPILLSl-
MERCHANTS, BUTCHERS J.
. Wc want a good man in your locality to pu c?
CALFSKINS
for us. Cash furnished on satisfactory parj
a AAr-rr r c t a f!P Hvde Park. ennoni, w
tuui v. va w w J
for Shot Cuns, 613
Send X?VCBf:
for free C2V cr, ph 1 5
mustrated NXp r
im -
Box 10M V, Kew BTen. Conn.
Jfl
JO WES
" J ... .
BEST IW THE WORLD'S Mft?'
SI OO to 3300
u. Agentt preferred who ea w jW .
spare moments niay L pTclu- ..
SOX A CO, 1013 Main t
rn iota Main Rlcnra
5
Ml
cam Al(