THE JOKER'S BUDGET.
SOME FUNNY THINGS TOLD BY
THE HUMOROUS WRITERS.
She was Very Joking: One Reason
Why Tlie Dog was Left He
Cam Down Mildly A Cure for
Indigestion. Etc., Etc.
. FULLY QUALIFIED.
"I see," said the dude to the banker,
"that you advertise for a young man of
unquestioned integrity and good ad
dress to become your private messen
ger. Now my integrity is A 1, and as
for my address, it is No. 67 Murray
Hill. There's no better in town." , But
the banker was too busy . to talk just
theD, and the engagement did not take
place.
NOT MUCH BREAKAGE.
"I suppose Miss Astorgoold's rejection
of young Snipkins nearly broke .h:s
heart?" .
"No, it didn't break his heart, but it
busted his scheme to go abroad on her
money.'-.'
A WEEPING MOTHER.
Young Man
(to editor) Here is
a
little rjoem of a rjathetic nature, sir. I
showed it to my mother, and she actual
ly cried over it.
Editor (after reading the vpoem )
You say your mother cried ? .
Young Man Yes sir.
Editor Well, you go home and
promise your mother never to write any
more poetry, and I think the old lady
will dry her eyes.
HE FORGOT ONE COURSE.
"It seems to me, Maria, that we've
had nothing but veal, veal, veal for
breakfast all this week," remarked Mr.
Bentley.
"You forgot another thing we've had,
Kobert," replied the "old day, quietly,
"we've had growl, growl, growl for
breakfast every day too."
And then Johnny Bentley was sent
away from the table for laughing at
"nuthin."
SHE WAS JOKING.
They were on their bridal tour, and
she said gaily :
"Now. Fred, we don't want everybody
in the car to know that we are newly
married, and have them all staring at us.
Let us act like -real old married people.
It'll be such jolly fun."
. "All right," said Fred, calmly. "You
just let me have that end of the seat ; its
lots pleasanter than this. I'll take the
pillow, too, and I guess I'll go to sleep
for three or four hours. You waken me
when we come to the dinner station.
Spread that shawl over me, and "
"Oh, I don't care who knows that we're
just married," she said. "Sit where you
are, dear, and hold my hand." Tid
Bits.
SUMMERING.
He (from Cincinnati) Where shall
you summer Miss De Pester ?
She (from Boston) la Maine. Mr.
Gooseboy. We always go there. Papa
wants us to fall in New York, but I'd a
good deal rather spring there. A friend
of ours autumed in New York last year
and she didn't like it at all. Judge.
LUCID.
, Teacher (to class) In the stanza what
is meant by the. line 'The shades of
night were falling fast?"
Bright scholar The people were pul
ling down the blinds. Puck.
A CURE FOR INDIGESTION.
"I cook me oop somedings," complain
ed Mrs. Issacstein of Chatham street,
"und 1 vasn't able to eat noddings.
Dere was troubles mit dot dyspepsia."
"Vat you do for dot ?" inquired Mrs.
Durkheimer..
"Veil, I dinks I go mit a boarding
house und pays by der veek. Den I sot
to eat." .
A LIGHTSOME HEART,
"Children," said a school teacher,
"always be cheerful. Whatever falls to
your lot to do, do it cheerfully."
"Yes indeed, dear teacher," responded
a bright little scholar, "even the 'skeet
ers sing when they are at work."
HE WILTj BE ALIi RIGHT.
Country Wife (at the ballet) Isn't it
awful, John !
Countryman (drawing a long breath)
Yes'es, but I'm slowly gettin' used to
it.
PUNISHED.
"It was a severe punishment," said
the father, self-reproachfully, "but it
answers the purpose. It kept Johnny
from running on the street." "You did
n't cripple the boy, did you?" "No, I had
his mother cut his hair for him. You
ought to see the poor boy." Chicago
Tribune.
WlIiliINQ TO KISK IT.
"Do you know, young man," said the
old gentleman, looking keenly at him,
"that in asking me for my daughter you
ask me to part with something that is
most dear to me?"
"Yes sir," said the business-like youth,
"and I expect she will be rather dear to
me, too; but it will take her a long time
to ran through with fifty shares of gas
stock and 600 acres of Nebraska land.
I'll risk it." Chicano Tribune.
FOOUSH QUESTIONS.
Father (whom Bobby has induced to
take him) Now, Bobby, I don't quite
understand this. If the man who throws
the tall fails to hit the club after three
trails, does that put the umpire out ?
Bobby Pa, do you remember why you
sent me to bed last night at 7 o'clock.
. Father Why, n-no.
Bobby It was for asking foolish ques
ions. N. Y, Sun,
HEATING.
A Frenchman saw a negro sitting
close by a fire which was so hot that it
seemed almost a certainty to him that
the man must be melted. "I zink I
know vy he seet so near ze fire," said the
Frenchman after looking wonderingly
at the colored man. "He make himzelf
into one white man." "How can he do
that, please V "Ah, you see he heat
himzelf to ze white heat
FINANCIAL ITEM.
A. Did you gain anything in your
"Wall street speculations?
B. Oh, yes; 1 acquired the idea that
I was an ass.
"Is that all? "Why, I could have told
you that before you attempted to go
in.
HE HAD IT READY.
Good-by, wifey: if I am detained by
business and not able to come home to
dinner I'll' send you a telegram."
Wife (frigidly) You needn't take that
trouble. Here it is. I took it out of
your pocket a while ago. Texas Sift
ings. ROTS TOGETHER.
Wife (retrospectively) I can remem
ber so well, John, how fond you and
my first husband were of each other.
You were boys together, and your
friendship lasted to the end.
Husband (adly) Ah, yes, poor fel
low! his death has been a sad blow to
me.-
Harper's Baza?'.
TWO OF A KIND.
A man strolled into a fashionable
church just before the service began.
The sexton followed him up, and tapping
him on the shoulder and pointing to a
small cur that had followed him into the
sacred edifice, said:
"Dogs are not admitted."
"That's not my dog," replied the vis
itor. "But he follows you."
"Well, so do you."
The sexton growled, and removed the
dog with unnecessary violence. London
Graphic.
TADPOLE SODA.
Customer This is what I call tadpole
soda.
Proprietor What do you mean by
that, sir?"
Customer Simply that it has more
head than body.
CHARITABLE VIEW.
Miss Lulu Japonica Rose Bouche
was a hateful thing to leave you out of
the dinner she gave for Sir Botten
Rowe ?
Miss Charity Ball Oh, don't say that I
I think she is a very sensible girl !
Miss Lulu Japonica Well, I think
it's very noble of you to say such nice
things about her, but "
Miss Charity Ball Yes, you see, she
naturally wished to be the prettiest girl
in the room ! Puck.
A SAD FATE.
"No, ma'am," said the tramp grateful
ly, as he shouldered his bundle and pre
pared to start on again, "I don't keer
fur nuthin' more to eat, but I'd be
obleeged if you'll give me two or three
o' them biscuits. I don't carry, no
weepins, and they've got a savage dog
at that next house." Chicago Tribune.
NO LAND IN SIGHT.
It is said that the Bishop of London
went to see ono of his parishioners, a
lady with a prodigious family which
had recently been increased. As he
rose to leave the lady stopped him with:
"But you haven't seen my last baby."
"No," he quickly replied, "and I
never expect to."
Then, it is stated, he fled. Christian
Union.
IT IS POET.
Instructor By the way, Mr. Straddle
which is the more general term, poo t or
Mr. Straddle Poet.
"Can you give me a reason for it?"
"I think so, sir. It is probably be
cause a j)oet is born, not maid.'" Ind
ianapolis Tribune.
BOUND TO LOSE IT.
First Man (with fan) Didn't you say
the other day that the sun was losing
its heat ?
Second Man (with fan) Yes, all the
scientists agree on that.
"Well, 1 believe it now. The sun
can't keep this up very long and havo
any left." Texas Sif ting's.
THE REASON WHr.
Steve Yes, poor Blivins does look
melancholy, as you say. He still suffers
from the consequences of an early love
affair.
Maud (instantly interested) Oh, tell
me, did the young lady die or prove
false?
Steve Neither. She married him.
THE PEACH CROP.
Stranger My dear sir, you seem to
be suffering great mental distress.
Gloomy Man You are right; I am.
"What is the matter?"
"I am a Delaware fruit grower, and I
have every reason to fear that the peach
crop this year is a success." Texas
Siftings.
HAD BEEN SICK.
The other day a prosperous-looking
granger, with money in both pockets
and hayseed in his hair, got on a street
car in Washington going to the Capitol,
and took his seat. Next to him sat a
patient man, wearing a patch over one
eye. After a while the Granger, who
was nearly bursting with curiosity, said
to the patient man:
"I say, mister, I reckon you're a Con
j gressman, or su'thin of the sort, ain't
' ver?"
I "No, I ain't no Congressman," the pa
i tient man replied sadly. "I have been
ick, and that's why I'look so bad."
MUSCUL1B TT03EE5.
A Pair "of Stalwart Sisters Who are
Skilful Scullers.
From the Cincinnati Enquirer.
"Is Mf&s Mollie in, Mrs. Kane ?"
The remark was addressed to bare
headed woman of fifty who stood inthe
yard of her modest home on tha New
port bank of the Licking.
"That she is," and out came a young
lady of eighteen, swinging a green sun
bonnet in her left hand, her face freckled
and sunburnt, but whose every move
ment was that of an athlete, strong,
muscular and inured to hardship.
"We've come over to see you and Miss
Kate, your sister, do some sculling."
She smiled and sat down on a bench un
der a grapevine arbor.
"The sculls are on your side of the
river, at the boat-house, and John is
away, but I guess we can manage it."
With no further ado, and while the
artist and reporter were examining a
neat gold medal indicating that on July
19, 1886, Mollie Kane had won the lap
stretch, the proud mother sat by.
"How long have your daughters been
sculling, Mrs. Kane ?"
Letting both hands on her knees and
wagging her head knowingly, "when
they wanted Mollie to row in a skiff
race, and I see them things they calls
sheik?, I said they shouldn't. Skiffs was
only fit for little children and kids;
they'd row in the shells or nothing."
"But how did the girls get used to
boat-riding, anyhow?"
"Oh I" shaking her head, "it came
natural to 'em. Why, they were born
right on this corner, and we've never
lived further than sixty feet from the
river, and they took to the water like
young ducks that they did."
"You are a river family, then ?"
"That we all are," said Mrs. Kane
with a manifest touch of motherly pride.
"Why, one of my sons goes down in the
diving-bell."
"But weren't you worried when they
were children playing about the water?"
"Never a bit. I heard every day that
men were being drowned down at the
river, but I knew if the girls were born'
to be drowned they would be, and that's
all there was of it."
By this time Mollie appeared in a
trim-fitting black dress and said: "I'll
get Kate, and we'll soon have these
shells." Kate was found at the house
of a married sister and the two girls
were soon in a skiff rowing down the
Licking in a style that made the skiff
fairly dance over the water.
The sun poured down its terrible rays
red-hot. Strong policemen in Cincin
nati were keeling over with sunstrokes,
but these two girls crossed the Ohio,
riding in the wake of towboats to the
boat-house of Herr Schmidt, and in
three-quarters of an hour by the watch
were back.
It took no time for the ladies to throw
the skiff chains to somebody in the boat
house, and how they did it no one could
tell, but it was no time before both were
in their seats, and, backing water, were
soon out in the middle of the stream in
the shells.
The shells are light, water-tight affairs
that upset at the slightest provocation.
They weigh about fifty pounds each, and
are pointed at each end. In the centre
is a hole 16 inches wide by 4 feet long
and a sliding seat. The girls sat a little
aft of the centre and balanced the fragile
craft with the oars. The oar paddles
simply skim the surface. Now came the
fun. They started out neck and neck.
A crowd of fully two hundred gath
ered on the Newport Bridge to see the
two girls in a boiling sun shooting like
mad down to the Licking's mouth, a
quarter of a mile away. Then, grace
fully turning, they came back. The
shells noiselessly shot through the
water.
A novice could scarcely tell any differ
ence between the two girls. Mollie ap
peared the stouter her weight is 176,
and Kate has the advantage of being
lighter, as she weighs only 120 pounds.
Mollie was eighteen years of age and
Kate her senior by four years, being
twenty-two.
Their faces glowed with color. They
tossed off their bonnets and their raven
locks glistened in the sunlight. As they
bent forward and back, their feet braced,
the rise and fall of their limbs and mo
tion of their muscular arms were as
regular as the beats of a piece of ma
chinery. Capt. I. C. F. Kinsey, of the Olivette,
was standing in the forward end of his
boat and looking on.
"Any danger of those girls drowning,
captain?"
"No more than a fish." he laconically
replied.
It would not be a bad idea for some
body to get up a sculling race and have
it open for ladies; then the Misses Kane
could show the public what a woman
can do. - 1
SIBERIA'S FROZEN ELEPHANTS.
Tons of Frozen Elephant Meat in
Siberia's Refrigerator.
One of the enigmas that have much
exercised the ingenuity of geologists is
that presented by the frozen-up mam
moths of Siberia. Here are found huge
animals that belong to the fossil world,
and yet are not mere fossil skeletons,
but whole creatures in the flesh, with
hair and all intact, preserved in ice like
New Zealand mutton, so fresh they may
even be cooked and eaten with impunity.
How came they there, seeing that, in
spite of their hairy sides and back, they
are herbivora that have lived in a climate
where vegetation is abundant? They
are, in fact, nearly allied to tropical and
sub-tropical elephants; their bones,
found in other places with those of
other animals indicate a habitat in the
temperate zones.
They must somehow have been caught
napping by a sudden of olimate,
or,! i?r fata has sucrcrested - many
speculations concerning the cause of
such sudden change. Has the axis of
the earth shifted? Have they been
caught by mighty floods, followed by
mysterious change of climate ? Or has
the whole country been suddenly up
heaved and suddenly depressed if Have
they been entombed by "a single catas
trophe or by a series? etc. The con
troversy has of lata become mixed up
witli thpoloirical controversv. and. as
usual, this element has rather magnified
the confusion ana discordance 01 Hypo
thesis. Under these circumstances I per
petrate the presumption of offering an
original explanation which, so far as I
can learn, is also new. It is this: Si
beria, as a glance at a good map will
show, is a vast plain intersected with
very long sluggish rivers, extending
over a great range of latitude. In the
winter the northern regions of this great
area include the very coldest part of the
known world. In the summer these
plains are luxuriant to an extent scarcely
credible to those who have not ex
perienced the torrid contradictions ot an
Arctic summer, due to to the continu
ance of sunshine all through the day
and all the night. The southern limits
of these plains are fully within the tem
perate zone. The Irtish and Ienisei
rivers flow from the latitude of Yenice
into the Arctic Ocean.
My theory is, in the presence of these
data, very simple, viz.: That the
mammoths of old behaved on land as the
swallows of to-day behave in the air.
We know that he'elephant can run, can
persevere in running, provided the
ground is favorable for such locomotion.
What, then, was there to prevent such
animal from following the sun at the
rate of from, say, 100 miles per day, or
10 deg. of latitude per week, and there
by following the growth of the great
supplies of food that so large a beast
must require ? Following the banks of
one of the great Siberian rivers, the
southern journey of 2,000 and odd miles
would be a mere holiday trip for such
monsters, and the return journey down
hill still easier.
But such journeys must have exposed
them to occasional disasters. An early
and sudden arrival of winter, a blizzard,
or a flood, would in the ordinary course
sometimes overwhelm the hindmost and
sweep their carcases into the river. As
all those rivers flow northward, these
carcases drift with the first winter ice to
the places where they are now found,
i. e., on the banks of rivers which have
been undermined by floods.
Diphtheria Spread by Cats.
Domestic animals have often not only
been suspected but found guilty of
spreading infection. In his report on
the recent sustained prevalence of diph
theria in Enfield, Dr. Bruce Low, ofrthe
Medical Department of the Local Gov
ernment Board, incidentally states that
during the continuance of the epidemic
cats were observed to suffer in considera
ble numbers from illness, and in Decem
ber, 1887, and January, 1888, there was
a large mortality among those animals,
so much so that the attention of the dust
contractor was directed to it. He stated
that never m his previous experience
had he seen so many dead cats in the
dust heaps. Some households, seeing
their cats ill, destroyed them. . Though
there were no known cases of diphtheria
occurring in the practice of the veteri
nary surgeon at Enfield, yet they saw
many cases of "influenza" at this time
among animals. The following is an
illustration of the possible connection
between diphtheria in children and in
cats: A little boy was taken ill with what
turned out ultimately to be fatal diph
theria. On the first day of his illness he
was sick, and the cat, which was in the
room at the time, licked the vomit on
the floor. In a few days (the child
meanwhile having died) the animal was
noticed to be ill, and her sufferings be
i ng so severe and so similar to those of
the dead boy, the owner destroyed her.
During the early part of its illness this
cat had been let out at nights in the
back yard, as usual. A few days later
the cat of a neighbor who lived a few
doors further off was noticed to be ill.
It had also been out in the backyards at
night. The second animal, which, how
ever, recovered, was the pet and play
fellow of four little girls, who, grieved at
the illness of their favorite, nursed it
with great care. All four girls develop
ed diphtheria, their mother being con
vinced that they got it from, the cat;
and, indeed, no other known source of
contact with infection could be discover
ed. It is easy to imagine cats catching
an infectious disease like diphtheria
when we remember how often milk and
other unused food from the sick room is
given to the cat, or by some people
thrown out into the back yard for the
benefit of their neighbors' cats if they
have none of their own. It is a frequent
occurrence to see children carrying cats
in their arms, and even kissing them.
It is obvious that if the cat were ill with
diphtheria the children under such cir
cumstances would almost inevitably con
tract the disease. London Sanitary
Record,
A MAD RACE. 1
"Don't you think that the majority of
people are a little off'
"A majority ? Why, bless your heart,
everybody's crazy, more or less, and has
been from the beginning with the
possible exception of Adam, and I rather
thing there "was a hereditary taint in his
blood. Boston Transcript.
the fault.
He I was no mortified that you
should see me fall from my bicycle, Miss
Maude, but I can assure you the fault
rested entirely on the bicycle.
She Yes, for a moment, Mr. Geelip,
and than the bicycle rested entirely oa
the fnult.
THE SEW PHAEIoj.
Just the Least Bit of . n,
of Love , . Jj
thSJ.' ? beta,,
i cunao .4 - . -
1 pilOCMJU, iuhwq Dy
a Tair rst v-l -
Domes, inst rflsinn i "uain
Impatiently towSd f ?
ud vuuuoiM wiauow.
"If any one else but Dr. Lester Ki
purchased such an elegant new
we might have been excused foS?
taming hopes of emovino-
I but that conned" old Wh7l
i rather take his iminmt omj
than one of us. And I have
up my mind to have the
the phaeton." 1 nde
"Easier said than done!" obsmeJ
saucy Linda Gray. . "You Wyoa a
speaking of an impossibility now r!
will make you a present of your wedfc 1
dress if you succeed."
U T0 each
Eair f J?6 fads to wear tomv
ding, Bell answered gayly; and tawl
Browns parlors were soon vacated
me iiierry pany mat nau been
the afternoon with his only daughter
"How could I have been so fmiuv
been Rr frwii;..v.
thought impulsive Bell, as she stood In
"" luuAiug uuhu me quiet street.
"He cares nothing for me now, and will
think me more childish than ever Vi
he hears of this."
But she thought how he had passed
that afternoon without even glancing no
at the window where she had stood,
hoping at least to receive a bow. And
thon he raised his hat a moment after
ward to old Mrs. Lee.
She was quite angry now, as she
thought of his indifference, and as the
new phaeton came slowly down the
street again she went quickly down the
marble steps, and Dr. Lester, gazin
more earnestly than he knew at the dark
blue dress and brown curls fluttering ia
the wind, drew up before the door. 6
"Doctor," she said, looking up in the
grave, handsome face, "are yoa going
pver the river to-night ?"
The gentleman bowed, and looked
calmly down on the sweet face that
flushed so brightly as she proffered her
request.
"There's a iadv at Uncle Will's that I
want to come over to-night. "Will
stop and bring her with you?"
yoa
' 'Certainly. Is your cold any better !
You must keep out of the night air or I
will not answer for the consequences."
Bell tried to look indifferent, but the
brown eyes filled with tears and her
cheeks burned hotly as she thought that
he would have asked the same question
of all the old women in the town. She
closed the door with a little more force
than was necessary, and, donning her
cloak and a large hood, was soon walk
ing briskly in the direction of the uncle's
where she had requested Dr. Lester to
call for her friend.
It was quite late when the doctor ar
rived and gave the bell an impatient
pull, and, after what seemed an age, a
middle-aged lady answered it
"Is Miss Brown's friend here?" he
asked, taking the hand that was quickly
extended.
The lady's face flushed, but she an
swered in the afSmative.
A slight figure soon appeared, muffled
in cloak and hood, and in a hoarse voice
bade the gentleman good evening.
Horace bowed in return and looked
curiously down at the little figuie.
"Are you Miss Brown's friend?" he
asked, not knowing what else to say.
"Yes, the best friend she ever had,"
came hoarsely from under the hood.
"You seem to have a pold," said Hor
ace, still standing in the doo playing
with his whip, while his eyes rested on
a long brown curl that had escaped from
beneath the hideous hood. "I vould
advise you to be careful and keepont oi
the night air as much as possible."
"Keep out of the night air, indeed!
Bell's lip curled scornfully as she re
ceived the advice given to the stranger,
as it had been given to her a few hours
before.
Dr. Lester assisted her down the steps,
and Bell, with a triumphant smile,
assisted into the carriage. But that
smile died away, and she could tare
cried with anger and mortification as se
found herself in an old buggy that Hor
ace had used until lately, and his fatne.
had used before him. .
As they rode along the doctors
thoughts were wandering from h.s qui"
companion to the brown-haired girl
had looked up so shyly when she asfcea
a favor that afternoon. ,
He had quite forgotten the lady by C
side, when a small hand was place u
his arm and a sweet voice said:
"Dr. Lester, I am so sorry that 1 w
ceived you." - , vr
He only looked down on the bn-r
young face and soft brown eyes, bu:
not answer. , ,
"Won't you forgive me?' she a
pleadinglv. "The girls thought I
not get a ride in the phaeton we adsau
so much, and I was so silly, and pru
ised them white kids if I did nots
ceed " .A
Tears were filling the soft voice.
Dr. Lester took the trembling hand
firm clasp, and said earnestly :
"But if I call for you to-morrow ai
"23UI 11 x can ior yuu t---,
f noon, will you ride with me in the d .
noon, will you ride with me in
phaeton as the owner's promised
mi L
The answer must have
tory, for the next day the VnlS
before Lawyer Brown's door, ?a JTof
preparing the wedding dress she
Buffalo 2ieu:s.
FAST TIME.
It was at Saratoga and he h&& P5510
ately declared his love. a(TSn2S,m
"I am wholly yours, Mr- J 5fl
tho happy girfreplied V
kindly leavl your card 2
Not as a guarantee of good
explained, "but I am curious w
your full name."