Newspapers / The Smithfield Herald (Smithfield, … / Oct. 25, 1907, edition 1 / Page 2
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AMERICAN PRESS HUMORISTS WHAT THIS AGGREGATION OF JOKESMITHS DID AT THEIR FIFTH ANNUAL MEETING. * Much Subtle Humor and Keen Wit Wasted by the Sober Minded Members, Says Lamptcn?First Joke Opened For Inspec tion Near Los Angeles?How They Got Revenge In Pasadena?Greeted With Dead March at Venice?Other Funny Incidents. By W. J. LAMPTON. Tl HAVE hut recently come from the I annual meeting of the American ^ I'ress Humorists, nn aggregation? not a trust of sober minded men who do not make jokes for the fun of the t! !ng They need the money. The annual meeting of the A. I'. II. Is held every year. This Is 110 Joke. Ask those who pay for the pleus ure. It is almost as serious as owu lng an automobile. Inured, only a wealthy editor can own a funny man and an automobile at one and the same time. The purposes of this aggre ! gallon of jokesmlths are promoting good fellowship, upholding the <|uullty of modern humor and permanently retlr lug decrepit jokes of all classes. Among the hundred members are Itev. Rob ert J. Burdette, hotter known as Boh; Wilbur I). Nesblt, 8. E. Klser, Strtck land W. Gillian, Thomas A. Daly. Ed mund Vance Cooke, Frank Thompson Senright, Robertus Ix>ve, Judd Mortl mer I.ewls, Sam Davis and other elev ' cr funmakers. John D. Rockefeller, whose humor Is of a rich and oily vu rlety. Is an honorary member. John D. Is the best paid Jokesmlth In the bunch. Ills Income Is $'21 per minute. This the fifth annual meeting of the A. P. II was held at Los Angeles, a RulHTtJ. Bnrdrttr ~ >1 If? ? | Frank T. Scur^ht J J JohnRockefeller | Judd Mortimer Lewis PROMINENT MEMBERS OE AMERICAN PRESS HUMORISTS. large mid growing city of southern California. Members of the general body leathered in the glorious climate? this expression Is not copyrighted? of that delicious land and for six entire dnys reveled In all the luxury of trop leal tetuperainents and hilarious hos pitality. Then they were takcu to the departing train in ambulances. A fun uy man knows u good thing when he sees it, and he won't let it get away until he loses consciousness And he won't lose consciousness until every thing else has gone. Off For Los Angeles. Rut I nm digressing before I really get started. The point of gathering for the eastern contingent?everything Is eastern to California which lies this side of the Rockies?was Chicago, and there we took the Los Angeles limited at 10 p. m. of a Thursday and settled down to a continuous performance of elegant leisure at forty miles an hour until Sunday midnight. During those days and nights more subtle humor, keen wit and brilliant jeu d'esprits were wasted than would have support ed half a dor.cu families In compara five comfort if marketed at the cur rent rates. Rut what cared the hu morists? They are generous melt and spend what they have the most of with a lavish tongue. i We were met somewhere up the road from Los Angeles by a committee con sisting of Mr. Frank Ten Searlght. secretary A. P. 11. and the real cause of all the trouble; Mr. Douglas White, a modest and diffident Salt Lake route man. and several prominent citizens on foot and In carriages and escorted within tbe walls. It was too late for the brass band lioys to be out and Run {'sy besides, so we got In without un due demonstration. The first Joke opened for Inspection In that notghbnr hood was presented by a thoughtless visitor. While waiting for a ear this person observed a sign halfway up a telegraph pole, "Cura Stop Here," and ho Miiinccutlv Inquired how the cars got up the ! >lc This wan considered I very fair l< r it iM'glnnlng and caused roars of laughter among our hosts. Nothing lull ?? plnce of rest would have made a humorist smile after that U.iKki i lie ride. We weren't used to It. 8ince the late cruel railroad pass pre ventive legislation we have walked so much It lames us to ride. Morning broke fair ufter a good night's sleep In a $2.(100.000 hotel, the Alexandria, whose regal appointments Just seemed to be made for humorists, and we liled ourselves forth to get our tlrst breath of the glorious climate of California we had beard so much about. The glorious climate at this season needs n nice, cold mint Julep to sprinkle It down. It has a thirsty air. It hadn't been rained on for weeks. Now the orgies begin. At 9 o'clock we were whisked away to Monrovia, where we were lunched and received and autoed, and beautiful Indies and gullnnt gentlemen vied with each other lu extending hospitalities of every va riety, and our pictures were printed In the Monrovia News, nml nolvody tried to sell us any real estate, nml the dust stayed on the ground where It be longed. and paradise was spilled all over u?. Oh. hut It Is wand to bo a visiting humorist In southern (.'alitor I nla! Then the San Cahriel mission. ' older than the oldest Joke the Yonkers Statesman mail ever cot oft, and otbet scenes of luterest, and back to the ho tel, where there was a banquet at alcht, with Lob Burdette, the A. l\ II. chaplain, presidlnc and letting every body else do the talking as much as possible. And, oh. It was grander thnn i ever to lie a humorist amoug an np preclative throng of polite people who j laughed at everything we said! Next day we were lunched at the beautiful home of Brother and Sister Burdette In lieautlful this adjective Is , used advisedly?Pasadena, and we were autoed around town, and some of us got beyond the Arroyo Seoo to the home of Mrs. l-'oy and her daughters, where more reception waited for us mid Joy was uncontlned. Dined In Pasadena. In the evening the Pasadena board of trade dined us at the Hotel Mary land. but It did not wine ns. Pnsadena Is 11 dry town. When a southern ("all fornla town Is morally ami meteoro logically dry, say, the desert of Sahara feels like getting wrung out and hung up for Improvement. Still we did our banquet stunts ntul took pleasure In it, I for every time we made those Pasa dona people laugh It cracked their Hps open till they wished sincerely that they had waited till after we came be fore they voted the Prohibition ticket. It was our dearest revenge. Wednesday we hit the trail for Mount Lowe, stopping at Hollywood . to visit the flowery home of Paul de Longpre, who paints flowers so nat urally that he has to put nets over them to keep the bees off and has a home prettier than any of his pictures. ! The ascent of Mount Lowe?every hu morist In the bunch remarked that I Lowe was a funny name to give a high mountain ? Is made by sliding | scale for 5,OOP feet, and the other thou sand is done on foot or pony bark. A peculiarity of the climate was discov ered here?to wit. the Uglier the tern l>eruture Is the lower It Is. Anyway,, a thermometer on top of Mount laiwe shows ultont 15 degrees lower than ut the foot?the same thermometer, too. at it must he true. Thursday we went to Veulce-by the Sea. put there by Mr Kinney of ciga rette wealth lie d icsn't smoke them i himself, hence Ills wealth ? and we v.ore received by a bras - hand which played the "I lead March" as we struck the K'ouud from the car. It | was the most erlous thing that has ! hapis-ntsl In Venice since the times of the council of ten. We almost felt as it we were standing on the lirldge or , ; -h* St "xly laughed hut the man v.'. i h nl hired the hand, nnd he quit when he saw the bill. However, we i ire given it hutli In the uohle Pacific, discovered hy Balboa several years ago. fed on n ship nud treated as well ns If we had come down to buy prop erty. Auto Ride In Riverside. Friday Riverside, famous In the beauty show business, called us thith er. nnd we went In n special car over the Salt I.nke and were nutoed over about n thousand miles of magnolia and |H?pper and palm avenues which would lie worth $40 n foot to nny town east of the range. Then we scooted to the top of Ituhldo mountain and were given a blrdseye view of more topo graphic loveliness than we could pay for In a million years If we got $4 apiece for Jokes of nny vintage. This road cost $50,000 and Is of such grade that an auto will run from top to bot tom without using a drop of gasoline i or jumping the fence a single time j None has ever tried to use gasoline, but several have tried to Jump the fence. You can't trust an auto. Sulci ? our chauffeur to me?he was n pro ml j nent citizen?"An auto la Just like a woman?you never can tell what she will do next." It didn't sound like a I Joko to me. and I didn't laugh. After I a minute he said. "But when yon get her going right she beats the world." Then I laughed, and he said he meant the auto. All the humorists don't be long to the A. I*. II. We were fed at the Glenwood tav ern, one of the show hotels of Cnllfor nla. and strutted around the place with our cheats puffed out like haughty millionaires out to buy health at $1)9 a throw. Mr. Miller, the Iross, who la also an artist and poet, was In Europe, and I sighed to think how much liter nry atmosphere he was losing. River side has u population of 30,000 people j and several million varieties of trop ical plants, which flourish regardless of expense. Saturday night we took u Salt I>ake special for Gc(ldtield and reached that auriferous spot at midnight Sunday, being met by a committee with a bar rel of beer on a truck. Sunday being a sacred day to humorists, we went tc bed to get ready for the Monday do ings. Goldfleld dug up a wheelbarrow load of raw material, converted It Into currency and blew Itself. We got right In the draft and stayed there. It was grand?50 cents for an egg and a dollar for a bite off the hem Somebody else paid the bills, and we simply wallowed in wealth. They showed us the town and everything clean down luto the earth for 350 feet.' Millions of dollars In gold were in sight down there, but It was fastened to the ground, and we were unnble tc j move It. At night a grand exhibition of slugging was tendered to the "Arner lean Humorists of the World" at the] Hippodrome Opera House, with Intel lectual stunts by the visiting humor Ists between scraps, and the scene beg gared description. Goldflehl bus 25,000 imputation and Is the greatest mining camp In the world. One saloon, with gambling on the side?all sides?has been capitalized at $100,000 and pays 35 per cent a month. The town is on the desert, and the only green spot In sight Is n small dooryard which costs the owner $t00 a month to keep it green. House rent Is whatever a fam ily will pay rather than sleep In the sand. Girls get $4 a day folding pa pers In a printing office. Lady ste nographers pull $50 a week, with chances to speculate In mines, and two of them have accumulated $75,000 each. The dust Is so thick that when the wind raises It they have to blow It away with dynamite. Bootblacks charge 25 cents a shine and have to pay 10 cents a shovelful to remove the dust before applying the polish. Everything In town Is wide open ex cept the churches. It's a bully place to lie when the luck Is right, and everybody seems to think that the luck will cbnre his way. If It hasn't already. Go to Goldfleld. It's a warm baby! And you should see the town. Reception In Salt Lake. Tuesday morning at 0 we got away j for Salt Lake City?at least the rem-: wants of us dlil, for the party had | broken up somewhat?and we struck j that well known place at noon next day. We were received by the Herald and other newspaper men and moved i out to (treat Salt lake to take the freshness off our jokes. Salt Lake City Is handsomer than Los Angeles, though very different and not half so big and busy. At night we had din ner at the beautiful Alta club and, once again felt that the humorist had ! much to be thankful for. Somewhere, some time, we held a meeting for business and elected Crank T. Sea right of Los Angeles president and .ludd Mortimer Lewis of the Houston Post secretary. There was no opposition is about all 1 re memtier. and also that the next an nual meeting will lie held at Houston, time not yet determined. Houston is in Texas. We will not have to carry our guns with us There is a local supply sufficient for all needs, Secre tary Lewis assures us. CHEERED PRESIDENT | 11 Mr. Roosevelt Cets Ncisy Wel come at Vicksburg. Miss. PEOPLE PACKED STREETS l.i H Spiec-i the President Advo c Dre; . C nnr.el In Mississippi ... , t , . . c T;iat Section Rich Ir. Agriculture. \ ? ? I. - (>?: rpi Mli ... Oct. 22 After a ! ?? . I si i-ii ]?: Hi.' canobrakes ' I nt Kni.s. vt'lt, bronzed an I v rims p ii l a flying visit to Vlcl.s- ? li'i: and made a speech. The pre i i|. nt airiveil at Delta, just o-s ti ?? '?'i sisslppi river. He limit luiieiv ein ami, followed I . . ^ ? n ho.i a ; a I yachts, made Ms t a * Into the' i T: n bluff* overlook h: . he river v lint I with people, win, ^ave the j ci.ief executive a hearty and noisy wel come. President Roosevelt entered the for ward carriage at the pier, and with Mayor B. \V. Griffith and General | K-i phen 1). I.ee, headed a parade ?. i passed through the principal ; streets to the national cemetery. I The president was received with en- 1 thusastic acclaim. The streets were ; parked with people, who cheered the j visitor at every opportunity. The president's speech was almost j wholly confined to advocating a deeper channel in the Mississippi river. He I saiil in part: li "While I do not like to say In ad- i vance what I intend to do, I shall V break my rule in this case and say I that in my next message to congress 4 I shall advocate as heartily as I know l how that the congress now elected J shall take the first steps to bring t about that deep channel way and the j attendant high and broad levee sys- J torn which will make of these alluvial I bottoms the richest and most popu I lous agricultural land on the face of f the globe. I think that any policy J which tends to the uplifting of any ! portion of our people in the end dis- ( tributes its benefit over the whole peo- | pie. Here we have a policy whose first i and direct benefit will come to the ( man on the plantation, the tiller of P the soil. \t "We are now digging the Panama ? canal, and it is being well done. One t reason why the work is handled well - is that we refuse to go into it until, after careful study, we did not make I any falsA steps, in other words, we V we acted on Davy Crockett's principle: I 'Be sure you're right, then go ahead.' I "I believe that ultimately we shall be able to deepen a large number of streams and waterways in the nation; , but, take the big rivers first, take the ] Mississippi and its most prominent t tributaries first." Vardaman Dodges. i Jackson. Miss., Oct. 22.?Declaring I that President Roosevelt is a cruel J bear chaser, Governor Vardaman an nounced that he would not be in Vlcksburg to welcome the president i to Mississippi. He went to Memphis, | so that he was not in the state at the I same time as the president. i TOBACCO ATTACHED Government Seizes Shipment Under ( Anti-Trust Laws. ? Norfolk, Va., Oct. 22?A shipment of i leaf tobacco and cigarettes said to be valued at $7000, from Durham, N. C? consigned to the British-American To- r bacco company, of Great Britain, has I been attached by the government here " and Is now being held by the customs J authorities. The action was brought I following a conference here last week " between Collector of Customs Hughes, United States District Attorney L. L. a Lewis and a representative from the ? department of justice at Wash'ngton. i The business of the latter in Norfolk | was declared to be In connection with ? an important prosecution under the Sherman anti-trust laws. ? N. Y. Bank Superintendent Resigns. ( Albany, N. Y.. Oct. 22.?Luther W. * Mott. who was recently appointed _ state superintendent of banks by Governor Hughes, resigned, giving ill a health as his reason. It is understood that Mr. Mott had recently been look- w Ing into the banking situation in New ^ York city and became greatly discour- A aged by the outlook. It Is understood ' that in his present state of health he 5 regarded the work involved as too ar- 4 dlions for him to undertake. a Son Missing Two Years. ^ Chicago, Oct. 22.?Failing after two A years to find their lost son, Harry, In San Francisco, where they supposed s lie had gone. Mr. and Mrs. Ixiuis F. | ^ Nnnnnst will begin at once a world A wide search for the young man. now . 21 years old. The young man. who w had been in ill health, disappeared ^ two years ago. As he had talked of A going to the Pacific coast the father j hurried across the continent, but he s could get no trace of him. ^ B. T. Washington's Daughter to Marry * Boston. Oct. 22.?Announcement is ^ made that Miss Portia Marshall 4 Washington daughter of Dr. Booker ^ T. Washington, is to be married on J the 29th inst.. at Tuskegee. to W. Sid- ^ ney Putnam, an architect, of Wash- A Ington. !>. C.. a graduate of Tuskegee, a In 1S97 . t The Weather. Forecast lor this section: Fair t day t and tomoi n\ slightly warmer; light ^ v.arialiie winds, becoming fresh south- 'A w est to west. % I 1 It Will Pay You I | To Rend This | ^ I am now selling Drugs !0 to 100 >er ceri cheooer itian any ^ yj other drug store in the State. It is up to you as t > whether m ? .you want to save this profit or not. I tarant ? this, and W only want a chance at you to prose .. 'Ay sto w; is complete J and up-to-date. 1 am now selling Wholesale and Retail. I H y wish to say to all of the Country Siore* oi Jo'--, -am County dO t* that I can furnish them -jhat medicines they t sh to carry ^ ? cheaper than they can get them from any one else, that is *A doing a ligittimate business. I publish this t; c Guarantee *jA 5 That I can Save you Money; and all of my Drugs are pre- V5 u pared according to the Pure Food and Drug Law. 29 g A. H. B's. $ $ Household Remedies $ 1 % 5 Under this Trade Mark I am putting on the market the fol *A ing prescriptions, which are official prescriptions, endorsed fA % by the best Physicians and Druggists of the United States. ?5l Ad H. B's. Healing Salve g y A. H. B's. Woman's Health Restorer A Ji. A. H. B's. Extract of Sarsaparila Compound y A. H. B's. Nerve and Bone Linement dy J A.IH. B'sMO Drop Rheumatic Remedy CT y A. H.\B's. Chill Tonic A. H. B's. Diarrhoea Remedy W JL A. H.[B's. Cough Syrup A. H. B's. Arnica Salve j&l y A. H. B's. Castoria A. H. B's. Tooth Ache Drops y 3 A. H. B's. Corn Remedy A. H. B's. Bitter Tonic U y A. H. B's. Worm Killer A. H. B's. Pain Killer y 2 A. H. B's. Nervinol A. H. B's. Laxative Cordial L 3 To'give me a chance to prove the above, see me. jS a A. H. BOYETT, - The Druggist ? p Smithfield N. C. ^ l Spiers i to Our large stock of Dry Goods, Notions, Etc , is W u now complete. Everything for Ladies and Child- j? v ren. Getting in new things daily. Large stock j % rugs, mattings, art squares and pictures just re iceived. SPIERS BROTHERS. J j Adulteration! ^ Would you buy ni lk that was 10 to J > 40 per cent wavr if you could buy J ^ guaranteed pure milk at the mow ^ ? price? Why not use the same dis- ^ ciimiuation in buying your Gro ceries. All of our goods gre Guar- ^ > anteed under the Pure Food and ^ ? Drugs Act, June 30, 1906. ^ \ White Star Company > a "Goods of Quality" ^
The Smithfield Herald (Smithfield, N.C.)
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Oct. 25, 1907, edition 1
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