Published by Roanoke, Publishing Co.. , ' 5 'FOR GOD, FOR COUNTRY AND FOR TRUTH." ' Jc!! '
. " ' ' ' ' ; ' ' ' : , : ' - ' m : . V''' -; . , - - -. :
VOL IV. PL YMOUTjEI, N.- C, FRIDAY, JULY 1, 1892. . NO. 7.
IN THE BALLROOM. .
"Mid .-osy banks of rarest bloom,
And.weetlow sounds of pleasure,
Adown tho Bilkon, Bcented room
She treads the winsome measure;
And perfumed gallants proudly bend v
To meot her modest glances,
And catcb the whispered words that lend
. Allurement to the dances. '
Her liquid rubies lightly tint
" J&Q lacos that enfold her, ' -
mlf lost within tho dreamy glint
Of either milk white shoulder;"
v; But, ahl the gem of her pure heart, -'
Beneath its t1v -lirMv '
Lies hidden Vira th&suCtefttW -
-, Ofalltf
And
f onlil-lin lovnrn. CJfL
in their courtly wilts, ,
j-"" C ; nents and graces;
-v5 -t-1''' "'t'lth Iiowh and smilo.
J her happy thoughts sho 8
n A winuiutr lane of laurel tree
" Thro1 far -off woodland stretchings
She hstens to her praises' set, ; ' -.
In silver cbordod speech,
But dreams the while of one she n'6l .
Upon those vine-clad reaches,
For, ah! the sweetest tributes AeaT
The most impaswonod suing, ,
. Can never drown the faintest word
Of this remembered wooing.
TVhon golden streams of music fell s
Athwart the rythmio revel, -
6he only hears the cat-bird's call ... .
Far down th grassy lvel .-
Of dibtant pastures, with the glow
Of star-eyed daisies lighted, 4
therein, a few short months ago
Her simple troth was plighted. '
As so her fancies dwell aloof,
, Jn blithest freedom faring,
To. where, 'neath some imagined rofc
la love and labor sharing,
Ttiey too, shall livo forovorruore,
.Far from the gay, mad riot;
Aid count the blissful moments o'er '
In calm, delicious quiet. " . '
--Nelly Booth SimmouB, in New Orleans
TimeB-Democrat. :
EEOBEN CAGGS'S . THEORY.
I was sitting in a cat a- below Four-
atggs. -x- It was a sultry July day, and
Li A- SZiil vvuu i A Ui T ADWUUOII
house on Long Island where he had
. in vited "ra: to tsj)end a . couple of
weeks, ft Hwas,Uhowever, a jbeavy
operator in stocks a,nd, s4 ttTrar
ket was feverish, ho thought it safer
. VI- : ,1 .1 1 iL. , i.
v of Wall street than to be driving a
spanking team and listening to the
. roiling ana roaring sun. -,
Caggs wa said to be many times a
muiionaire. exactly wnat tnat term
..signines, l can't explain; for my mul
tiplication table ends long before it
reaches six figures. I have never
stood in.the shoes of such a man, and
never looKea at life tnrougn his eyes.
I don't know what it means to be
' worried over the size of one's surplus,
or to do namea because one nas. a
couple of fortunes in the bank not
drawing a cent of interest. If I man
age to make both ends meet on the
1st or January, ana can race tne new
year free Of debt, having given the
usual half-dollar to the elevated boy
who. takes me to my room at odd
' times of the nieht. and a bricrht six
pence to the old lady who brings me
coy morning and-evening papers I
consider myself fortunate. But to
have so much money that one can't
count it even in his dreams, to' be
pointed at on the sidewalk as Jabez
Croesus, .Esq., who nas ' seventeen
horses in his stable, and a box at the
opera well, - that's the kind of, life
vnv fHflnrl Cntfcra lad nnrl: on tho
He could say to the jeweler, ,' Send
that home to my wife, and not ask
the price of the article. Yes, he
could ; but I noticed that he always
did ask tne price, ana always man
aged to get a discount. Nw, I pay
the asking price for everything I
buy ; he never does. . But then he's
rich, and can afford to do such things.
J3eing poor, I doa't enjoy that pre
rogative. The salesman seems
)leased to take ten per cent, off for
Jaggs ; but if I should ask the same
favor he would "probably doom me to
one hundred and fifty different kinds
of death. : . . - " v '
Wall u-o cot. tit. tha tnKlo nhofMnn :
' "My dear boy,",he said, " I'm sorry
I jan't go down to Clover Hill as we
proposed ; but you see the bears are
after me, and unless I have as many
eyes as the spider, and keep them all
wide open, Uiesu fercenaturce will got
their claws on me, and then " ,
Here followed the , most eloquent
6hrug of the shoulders I ever wit
nessed., I interpreted It as meaning
two things ; first, that the bears would
find he wasn't within reach when
they clawed at him, and second, that
if thev should happen C0 scratch him
he had so much Jelt that he would 'nt
lose wink of sltep. r ;
, How-1 envied him. He was poor
twenty years ago, when he and I were
in the freshman class, and so was I.
He had changed his mind about re
tnaining poor; but I hadn't. I main
tained mV' consistency, and atforty
oue hadn't a sou marquee. Caggs, on
the other hand, was able to hobnob
with Solomon in all his glory, and
could buy up all the bric-a-brac which
ent to the King and store it in the at
tic of his Long Island house.
- "Now theres my wife, Julia," he
paivt rather petulantly, as he poured
y "i wife, Julia. She's a most peculiar
'Iruan. ISho runs to philauthrppy,'
inti f "Et"',i'?s over lieggar, aad
". ' M c" i .'":: ru'j.'aljout' re
3
forming the world." A sip of coffee
followed this remark, and as he but
tered his toast he added, serenely:
"The world don't need reforming.
Heigho! it's all right as it is. It's
made up of two classes of people:
those who have made money and
those who have lost it. J. say with
Shakespeare: 'If money go before, all
ways do lie open.' There you have
it just as itis.K No, I don't agret) with
Julia. She says the poor ought to be
lifted up. A pretty big contract that,
don't you think so ? I don't aay this
at home, you know, because- well, for
a good many reasons; but. between
you and me, it's all bosh. The higher
you lift the poor up, the greater dis
tance they fall. Poverty. is the normal-condition
of. nine-tenths-of the
world, always has been, ) always will
be.' It's their forte to be poorj they
have a genius for it. Give 'em a fiver
to-day and they want another to-morrow;
Give 'em a second fiver to-morrow,
and they are on hand promptly
the next day. If you refuse, the two
fivers don't count and they just curse
vou because vou won't keep giving,
I have a fixed policy, never to give to
any oue. It works best in the long
run." ..
The difficulty with Caggs -was that
he had looked at a dollar so long he
couldn't see anything else. Doctors
tell us that a ma n may think of a dls
ease and catch it by thinking. Oagg3
tnought or dollars continuously: rind
as a consequence, all the other and
finer qualities, having no exercise
took revenge for their neglect by be
cominc arrested deveioDments.
. ' I like to see money multiply it-
eeir," ne'eontmued, " xoxx say, you
fellows who haven't any money, ar.d
aon t know tne joys or accumulation
-ryou say it's sordid. Bah ! There
isn't one of you who wouldn't do as I
ao li you nad 'tne cnance and tne
" Brains, '' I suggested.
" Yes, brains. "Look at the farmer
doesn't he take pleasure in eeeing
tnings grow? is tnat mean and sor
did ? He plants one kernel of corn,
and who can measure his delight
when he takes four full ears from the
stalk produced by that single kernel ?
Well, I plant a dollar, nnd , when i he
right time comes I scoop in a bushel
of dollars. That's my gift:! like to
do it over and ovr again. As for be
nevolence, why, it's out of my line.
I m not benevolent, and don t want
to be. Hard-hearted ? Yes, if the term
suits you. Let the poor take care of
tnemseives ; it s none or my business
to rurnisn tne world witn wamea.
Just here a little mut thrust his
head in at the door and shouted " Ex
treei lie couidn t Have been move
than eight years old, and was bare
footed and bareheaded. His hair and
eyes were coal-black, and there was a
curiously earnest expression on his
face. I don't take to newsboys much :
tney are altogether too. pusnmg and
insolent, but tnis one interested me
remaps u was because l naa naa a
solid breakfast and felt crood-natured
There is nothing like a broiled steak
to make a mas philanthropic. If vou
add to the stea'lf a cup of steaming
not conee witn cream, mind you
and a toasted muffin, you become
temporarily religious.
ine eight year old mut crossed the
room and stood wistfully looking into
Cagg's face. He was evidently nerv
ous and excited : lor he stood on one
leg. and then on the other, moving
restlessly every instant, but all the
time fixing his gaze on Caggs.
Have an Extree, Mister V"
No ; get out, " was the only re
sponse.
" ah about tne oig nre.jviister. "
" Didn't you hear me tell you to
get out?" ,
But the little fellow was persistent.
At last, and in order to get rid of him,
Caggs pulled a handful or loose
change out of his pocket. At tho
sight the boy fairly glowed.
tluess you're a nob, am'.t you ? "
he said.
Caggs looked at him, butsaid noth
ing. . .
A wnoie nanarui i lioiiy i Hay,
Mister, do you have as much as that-ftrf
all the time ? Ain't you afraid to go
round alone ? If I was as rich as you,
I'd hire a cop to go wia me. "
Then came a curious crisis. The
ittle fellow's eyes filled with tears
and his hands trembled.
Say, Mister."
Well, haven't l paid you V
Yes, but my sister's dead to hom
She died las' night, an' I'm sellin
these papers to pay funeral 'spenstw.
Won't you give me some money, Mis
ter, to bury is r
Cases was simply dumbfounded. As
for myself, l orowe izxo a loud laugh;
It was a very meioura matte scene
What a consummate actor the young
rogue was: rrecocious was hardly
the word to cover the case. J He was
an infant prodigy. Caggs was getting
roiled. ; He dipped the corner of his
napkin into the finger bowl and care
fully wiped his lips ; but I could .see
that he wa3 becoming very angrjv
a "Bury your sister, youyoungscoun
drel! I'd like to bury the whole lot of
you." .
Then ne turnea 10 me. . wnat cua
tell you, Hugh ? The poor prey on
the rich. They won't work, and "
" My mother works, " broke in , the
mut, in stout defense or himself and
his family. "I ain't no liar, neither. A
feller can't help his sister's dvin, can
he ? ' Tain't my fault cos she s dead."
He was pallid with excitement- and
grief. There was defiance in his eyes,
too ; and he stood his ground against
odds. '.
Caggs was puzzled. " Who told you
that story ? " he asked, sternly.
".Nobocly didnt ten me tnat story,'
answered the boj. " It ain't no story.
It's true s you live., 1 r you don be-
leve it, come along, uuess when you
eo is dead, you 11 know 1 aiu'tsham-
minV
Caggs actually had, an impulse to
go. lie hesitated, however.
" xouuarsn t, - cried tne youngster.
You ro a great
Dig rclicr, an
do block; bui
cm
you
kick Toun '
dnr? n't go home wid mo and aee me
dead sister."- ;
" Hugh, will vou go with, me f " ;
" Certainly," I replied. It was a
new experience for both ol us, a curi
ous chapter in the history of city life;
and-1 was not sorry to read iK
"By Jove l" said Caggs. as we
reached tho street. "I feel like a
fool. Now, if Julia were hero, she'd
give ' that' young scoundrel a hot
reakfast, and believe every word he
said ; but I'm made of different stuff.
I dou't like to be played by a boy no
bigger than a loaf of bread. ; We'll
follow him, and then I'll have him sent
to a reformatory, or somewhere.
Somebody's got to put a stop to this
sort of thing; and we may as well be
gin right now. Come, you' young
gamester, go ahead, and we'll follow.
But none of your dodges, mind." v
, He was so small that his head hard
ly came up to Cages' knee; but he
stretched out his hand, and said :
" Say, Mister, if you think I'm goin '
to jump, just take hold or my hand,
will you r
it was a queer sighttwo big men
and one small boy. ine boy was so
delighted at his triumph that he for
got to cry " Extree I and the two
men were so embarrassed that they
hardly spoke to each other.
1 " Pretty business,this ! " said Caggs,
at length, in a disgusted tone. He
looked !'as crestfallen as a dried
pear." " I wouldn't have Julia meet
me now for a thousand dollars. It
would look; you know, as though I
had gone back on all my principles
I've a great mind to kill that young
stor and throw him into somebody's
back yard."
Round the corner into Thompson
street we' found our way, two well
dressed men, and the shabby little
mut. ' ; -.
"Good Heavens! " said Caggs:
" this is no place to live. I'd blow my
brains out within twenty-four houra
My horses are better cared for. Do
you know, Hugh, I'm beginning to
think we've carried this joke quite
far enough. Julia tells me she comes
to such places every week; but, phew!
one visit is enough for me. Beside,
I feel as though this little bunco-sieer-er
were a poodle dog driving us two
stupid oxen into the slaughter-pen.
I've a great mind . ,
"Here we be. Mister."
'he slender fingers were withdrawn
from the big hand of Caggs, and the
boy became almost wild.
" Right up here, Mister. Look out
for that Btair, cos the board's busted."
; It was dark and stuffy, with " the
rankest compound of villainous smell
that ever offended nostril"; but we
fitumbfed up one flight, then groped
our way round the corner and found
another flight.
. "Great Scott! I've a mind to take
a header out of the window," growled
Caggs. ' I was never in such a fix
in my life. We may have to fight for
it, Hugh ; but won't it look queer in
the papers to-morrow, 'Reuben Caggs
picked up dead', in this den ! What in
thunder did I come here for, anyhow?
But I'll make this scamp pay for it,
sea if I don't. I'll have him up in El
raira for a ten-year trip, as sure as you
live."..
We reached the door of the back
second story room at last. The mut
burst in with a loud yell. It seemed
like a signal agreed upon, and I fully
expected to see half a dozen toughst
and to lose my watch and my money.
My fist got into frigid condition, and,
being something of an athlete, I de
termined to erive one fellow at least a
blow straight from the shoulder which
would do credit to my muscle.
"Mamma! Mamma! I've got 'em'
here they be." .
How could so small a boy show such
vlciousness ? I looked at Caggs, burly
fellow, and noticed that he was pale.
You haven't a weapon or any sort.
I suppose ?" he whispered., ;
" JNot a thing, a replied. -
" Well, we niayaswell prepare for
some hot work." v
Just then from the dingy room on
the side a poor, worn-out woman
came. She was startled nt the sight
two grim gentlemen on her premis
es and turned inquiringly to the boy.
"Mamma, the youngest began,
this man said he'd come an help
you bury Sis. 'Pon my word he did.
Didn't you, Mister ? "
" 1 beg your pardon for the Intru-
fsion, madam, "said Caggs. with great
courtliness, " but- " ,
"Mamma, he thought I was a
ginooine bunco-steerer, Say, now,
didn't he ? " turning to me , .
The woman's eyes filled with tears.
It was all eo unexpected, and she
didn't know the meaning of it.
" Don't cry. Mamma;'' and the lit
tle fellow put his arms about his
mother's knees and looked imploring
ly, into her face. " 'Taint no cop,
Mamma; he's a reg'lar stunner, he is.
He's got a drayload of money in his
pocket, an' he's going to give us
some. An' I've got some, too. See ?
Here's -eight cents, Mamma, an' I'll
go right out ag'in an' bring in a lot
more. V ' '
The woman, Mrs. Carney, told her
story. The like of it can be heard any
day in any quarter'of New York. But
it was new to Caggs. Those keen eyes
which coldly watched the rise and fall
of the stock market were moistened
as she went on.
She came from Keene, New Hamp
shire, she said.
v " Why, that's where I was born,"
said my millionaire.
; Then they looked at each other
steadily and long.
"Why! Is it possible? You are
not Mollie Flanders ?' he asked.
"That was ray name before I mar
ried James," she answered.
"And don't you know me?" he
queried.
She looked again, and through her 1
tears saw that peaceful New England
village, and recalled the bright and
careless days ot her girlhood in the
long, long aero. i
' I seem to remember,''-' she
but then hesitated.
ungan,
" Vou can't h-wo forfctinn
said Caggs. " We went to school to
fcv ther at the Cross Roads."
. I thought him really handsoire n
that moment. There was a flush it
his cheeks, and a fire in his eyes, and
I understood why Julia Warden fell
in love with him.
"Are you Reuben Caggs?" she
asked, timidly.
" Yes, indeed, I am," he replied,
warmly.
They talked for half an hour. My
friend forgot that he was in the second-story
back of a tenement house,
forgot the stuffy smell of the apart
ment, even forgot the stock market,
and listened to the sad history of a
life which began in sunshine but was
now clouded with gloom and bereave
ment. The husband had taken to
drink through ill-luck, and his body
was lying in Potter's Field. Mollie
had struggled for her two children,
little Bill, whom we thought a bunco
steerer, and Mamie, who lay in her
shroud in the other room.
Bill insisted that we should look at
"Sis" before we went. The body was
on a pine board supported by two
rickety chairs. There was a white,
Sartly faded carnation in her hand.
;ill had found it in the street.
What a strange scene ! Caggs melt
ed at the sight, and as for me W6ll,
no matter. The woman on the front
had brought in a tattered motto and
hung it on the wall. The legend was.
"Of such is the Kingdom of Heaven. "
Caggs looked about the room, then at
the face of the pale sleeper, and I saw
his lips tremble. Four months before
he had buried his only child, beauti
f ul Alice. When his eyes fell on that
motto, it seemed too much for him,
The eyes of the many times a million
aire were filled with tears.
"Mv God. Hugh," he said, hoarsely:
" let us get out of this. I can't stand
it." -v. v t
Then he turned to the fragile, suf
ferine woman.
" Mollv." he said. ' I don't know
much about these things, but" he
choked a little" but Vm sorry for
you. I shall ask my wife, Julia, to
come and see you this afternoon. She
will attend to the details of tho funer
al." His hand went into his pocket.
Giving her a roll of bills, he added,
" Take this for old time's sake, and
when you want more, come and see
us." (
When we reached the sidewalk he
turned on me almost ' fiercely.
" Hugh," he said, " I can't talk much
to-day. You go up town, I will go
down town. I've had a new expert
ence, and I shall have to give up some
of mv theories about the Door. Pos
sibly Julia is right, after alL Good-
morning." George Hepworth In In
dependent. ,
The Lion of St. Mark.
That symbol of the Venetian Re
publicthe famous Lion of St Mark
which, after being restored, was re
placed yesterday on its column In the
Piazzetta at Venice, Is made of bronze.
There is a tradition among the Vene
tian people that its eyes are diamonds :
tney are really white agates, laceted
Tta miirta la nicttf eln hnra I nltr wrn rrVifr
and its retracted, gaping mouth and
its fierce mustaches give it an Orien
tai aspect. The creature as It now
stands belongs to many different
epochs, varying from some date previ
ous to our era down to this century.
it is conjectured that it may have or
iginally formed a part of the decora
tion of some - Assyrian ( palace. St.
Mark's lion it certainly was not orig
inally, for it was made to stand level
upon the ground, and had to be raised
up In front to allow the Evangel to bo
slipped under its iorpaws. iast year
the granite column on which the lion
stood was seriously of plumb, and the
authorities decided on its rectification.
The work was entrusted to Siguor
Vendrasco, who by passing a copper
bar. through the axis of the shaft and
by balancing the whole shaft upon
the rod, compelled it to return to the
perpendicular. The work was at
tended with no little danger and diffi
culty, but within three days was en
tirely successful, Signor "Vendrasco
being able to say ; "I am master of the
column ; she obeys me as I choose. "
, An Electric Marvel.
One of the marvels of the recent eleo
trioal exposition at Frankfurt was a six
foot electricsearch light of 20,000 candle
power.. Schuckertt, the Nuremberg elec
trioian, astonished Europe in its construc
tion. Schuckertt is now at work on a
larger light for the W orld's Fair at Chic
ago. It will be seven and one-half feet,
and of at least 52,000 candle power. The
Frankfurt light could be seen plainly at
Bingen on the Rhine, forty-five miles
away. It is expected that the search
light at the Wor.d's Fair can be seen at
least sixty miles away. Electrical
Engineer Sargent is making plans for a
tower 300 feet high, on which the big
light will be mounted. At a height of
100 feet above the ground will be two
six-foot search lights, and the three will
suffice to illuminate the skies for miles
around Jackson park. Brilliant feats are
accomplished with these search light.
Sheets of light can be projected with par
allel, converging or - diverging rays.
When the rays are thrown out parallel a
clearly defined sheet of flame seems to
be suspended in the daikness. By chang
ing the reflector the rays are brought .o
a locus at long distance from the central
station. These lights, turned on the
buildings and alternately shotv into the
heavens or out across the lake, will pro
duce brilliant electrical effects.
A combination of soft crepons and
common cambrics or cottonnades is the
latest novelty in the, realm bf fashion.
Satin as a trimming is better preferred
to velvet and moire, together with
nnrrowly striped ribbons.
At Bf.lin, i-i 1891, ther were 1,084,826 ani
mala ulaughturci). s ,"oror;J iv.vh 3,1 U,7
la
THE JOKER'S BUDGET
JESTS A.yi) TARNS BY FUNNY MEN
OF THE PRESS.
A Good Deal of Difference A Happy
, Reply That Emerald Gem Al-
Mays in Fashion In the Nursery,
etc., etc.
A GOOD DEAL OF DIFFKHF..NCIC.
4 What is Jennie yelling about?"
"She is in ber room all alone with a
mouse."
"Mercy on us! She was in the parlor
all alone with a young man last night
and I never heard ber say a word."
THAT EMERALD GEM.
She Are thero any' superstitions con
nected with the diamond, I wonder.
He Certainly. A great many base
ball nines have mascots. Saturday
Blade.
ALWAYS lNrASllION.
"Seen the latest thing in dress?"
"No; what is it?"
"A baby."
IN THE NURSERY.
"Oh, mamma, Tommy slapped me in
the face."
"Well, Helen, what did you do to
Tommy to make him do that?" ,
"Nothin'. I only put some sand in
his mouth." HftrPer' Bazar. -
TOO PREVIOUS.
"And you won't marry me, Kit?'
"I won't,"
"No use talking about it any more?"
"Not a "bit. It won't do any good,
Hank." . ' -.
The Oklahoma youth, hurt and angry,
reached under his chair for his hat.
"It's my own fault, I s'pose," he
grumbled. "I ort to have waited till
we'd got a little better acquainted."
"Yes, ; that's about the size of it,
Hank," assented the young woman,
coldly. "When it comes to courtin',
Sou 're too mush of a sooner ta suit me.
ood evenin'." Chicago. Tribune-
EYES OF LOVE.
v "Am I cross-eyed, Charley?" asked
ihft rich firl.
"Yes, Maude; but who wouldn't be
with your eyes? . If my optics were as
beautiful as yours, I'd be trying' to look
into them myseir.
: , QUITE READY. 4"
Ethel Old Mrs. Matchmaker has
fnnnd a Viiishand for Miss Frostiaue.
Maud I suppose Miss Frostiqne asked
a lot ot questions wnen sue was xoia or it
Ethel No. She simDlv said "Is it i
man?".and when she was told that it was
she said, "Let" him bring a preacher
along with him." New York Herald.
A GENIUS.
"What do you do when a woman asks
vou to euess her ager
"I guess my guess to myself, knock
ort thirty per $ent., ana generally come
near making myself adored." Harper's
Bazar. .
AND II E WAS SPKKCHLESS.
It was her first appearance at a base
ball park. -
"What are you scowling at?" she in
quired of her escort.
' "At that big man over there on first
base,, answered the grand-stand crank.
"Who is he?"
"It's Anson. He's got a glass arm."
"Then why he doesn't use it for a
pitcher?" she ventured timidly. Chic
ago Tribune.
PART OF THE GAME.
' Harold I am going to join our base
ball nine at school.
Father Why, what can you do?
Harold (proudly) I oan yell louder
than lots of the other boys. Harper's
Young People.
A LUCKY FELLOW.
Mrs. Jinks What do you think? A
thief shot at Mrs. Bingle while she was
sitting in her room, and the bullet lodged
in a ball of yarn which she was winding.
Mr. Jinks Well, well! ' Bingle is a
lucky fellow, isn't he?
' Mrs. Jinks I should say he was.
Mr. Jinks Yes, indeed; he has a
wife who darns stockings. New York
Weekly.
MAKING SURE.
He (earnestly) Are you sure, abso
lutely sure, that you will love ' me till
death do us part?
She (solemnly) I am' sure, absolutely
sure, that I love you till death do us
part. By the wayi is your life in
sured? GERMAN DISCIPLINE.
There was to be a grand review and
inspec:iouof troops of a German garri
son. A corporal gave the following or
ders to the soldiers: ' ;
"Now, men, if the Major asks you how
you like your grub, you say 'Good.' ; If
a Colonel asks yon, you must reply,
'Very good.' If the General asks you,
you must speak up and suy, 'It couldn't
be better.'" Texas Sittings.
COMPLIMENTING THE GOWN.
Amv George, dear, what do you think
of my new reformed gown?
t)r. Dolley (surveying it cruicauy;
There's son ething in it Hike.
Amy What? .
Mr. Dolley You Judge.
THEORIES VS. COND TIONS.
Little Jack Grown folks don't know
tvry thing.
M!lier Whut'sthe matter now.1
j "Ih hi't you ' ey chjnrettfS stoppe.-.1,
boys from, grow! n an', injured their
nervous "systems, an' gave 'em heart dis
ease, an' .dyspepsia, an money iri.v.
an' flabby muscles, an; weak back, au
every thing?" -J
"Yes, I did, and it a eo, too.
'Wa11 .Tirtimv MoMuctrs has been
smokin' cigarettes an' cigar stumps an'
ole pipes, and chewin' besides, ever since
he wus a baby, an 'to-day I remembered
wot you said about tobacco makin's boys
weak, an' so I Bassea mm an ne ucaeu
me." Good News.
NO QUESTION OF VERACITY. .
"What did you mean by telling that
lie?"
"What lie?"-, - '
"You said you were with Grant at the
battle of Bull Run. Grant was not at
Bull Bun at all." .
"Wasn't he?"
"No, he wasn't." - '
"Well, then, there flint no lie out, for
I wasn't there either." Texas Sitt
ings. v
A HAPPY REPLY.
"Are you a Swedenborgian?" he said
to the fair girl beside him.
"I am,'' she replied.
"Is it true that the Swedenborgians
believe that we are all angels?" '
"It is. Do you find it hard to be
lieve?" "
"Not when I look at you."
IN THE SPRING. '
lie put down a half dozen carpets. -And
with woe his life is replete;
For he hasn't a nail to bis fingers.
But numberless tacks to his feet.
, , . New York Herald.
' TOO SUGG B STIVE.
Bank President What is the new
watchman's name?
.Cashier Jimmy.
- Bank - President Discharge him at
once. Puck.
PLENTY OK TIME.
The conductors on the Sunset ronte, in
Texas, are a very bright set of men. A
traveller asked one of them:
"Will I have time to get 'something to
eat at the next station?"
"Yes.you will have time enouch if you
are not going any further on this train. "
Texas Sif tings.
A BAD BREAK. '
Featherstone I have just made the
mistake of my life.
Ringway How so?
Featherstone I was foolish enough to
call on my doctor in a silk bat and he
charged me double rates. Judge.
.' TOO BAD. '
"I am going to change my laundress."
"Why so?" ,
"She's lost that dude customer of hers
whose swell shirts I used to get by mis
take." Harper's Bazar. . ,
A GOOD COOK.
' She Darling, please tell the grocer
to send me up two quarts of nice fresh
sponges. .
He You can't get sponges at the
grocer's, ducky, but I'll stoiat the drug
gist's for them. What kind do you
want?.
Hhe I want the kind used for making
sponge cake, and tell him they must b
fresh. i
NOT AT THE PRESERVES. '
. Mother Dear me, there's little Diok
sneezing again. 1 11 warrant be s bunt
ing in the pantry for jam, and has knock
ed oqer the pepper. ;
.Little Hobby iNo, it s all right, mam
ma. iles only catcmn coia. tuooa
News.
AN ENVIABLE MORTAL. -
First Visitor (to museum) Did you
see that man dining on carpet taoks and
nails and things?
Second Visitor- Yes. How I envied
bra!
"Envied him?"
"Just think how he must enjoy shad."
-New York Weekly.
HARD IN WINTER.
Kind Lady Yon must have a very
hard time in winter.
Tramp (between mouthfuls) Yes, in
deed, mum. Sometimes I darsent ask
fur a bite fur days, and 'most starvos,
mum. ,1
, "What do you fear at such times?"
"I'll be axed to shovel snow, mum."
New York Weekly.
BE DOUBTED IT.
Neighbor (looking benignantly over
the fence) I am glad ' to see you at
work in your garden so early, my boy.
Industry brings its own reward.
tommy lucker (turning up another
spadeful) I reckon so, but I've been
diggin' more'n half an hour and haven't
cot the blamed can half full of worms
yet. Chicago Tribune.
HE WAS 'RIGHT THERE.
"Are you a lover , of nature?" shs
asked, as they stood looking at the
lovely and wide stretching landscape.
"Yes," he replied, "nature as she ex
hibits herself in you."
Then to emphasize his . declaration he
threw his arm around nature's waist and
kissed her lips, while the birds in the
branches overhead broke into a fresh
pa?an of joy. New York Ptpbs.
A Scotchman one evening recently sat
looking at some mice. : An idea struck
him. He decided to set the little thieves .
spinning yarn, and it wasTprobaly a very
astonished pair of mice thut found them
selves a fow days later working a small
irendmili in a cage like those in which
rats and other small nntmui are kept,
but without ibe slightest'-' idea that they
Avere paying tboir board in this way. An
ordipary inoute cna twist ov r a Jur. :rp 1
thieutls on rel every dy, nkho-is'i to
t" tit: lie Jill t " 1 M t 1 ' Ix i