Newspapers / The Roanoke Beacon and … / Feb. 17, 1911, edition 1 / Page 6
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s x ' I V"' - " "" 'w.-.Jf 1 ' - Y v - ... THE LIMIT. t "You say you would go through Are fend water for me?" "Yes, darling." ! "Would you turn from all your peo ple for my sake?" "Yes, sweetheart, If you demanded It, 1 would deny them all for you." "Would you renounce all your friends tf I wished it?" ; "My love, I would turn my back on each and all of them for you." "Would you give up smoking for me?" i "Willingly gladly, dearest." 1 "Would you let me have threo cun ning doggies, with real lace handker chiefs in their cute little pockets, to act as my bridesmaids?" "No! By heaven, I may be crazy, but there is a limit to my madness." MAN WANTED. , Ella There is an Arabian saying that "words are women; deeds are men," Stella Then my motto is "not words, but deeds." A Worn Turns. ""I love to meet a vicious dog. And smash his ugly head; I've learned just how to do it now!" The letter carrier said. Reason For It. "I like wide-awake men in the of fece and Jaggsby seems so stupid:" "Oh, Jaggsby is the most wide awake man I know." "1 never thought he was enter prising." "He isn't. That is not what makes him wide awake. He's got insomnia." Stung. "I guess she is sorry that she sued Jiim for breach of promise." ; "Why, did she lose?" "No, not yet, but when she testified that he always kissed her . good-night he explained that it was because sha 'reminded him so forcibly of his jnother." i Plenty of Mind. "What did you say you was looking for, mister?" "Local atmosphere." "You hit the right place. We're right in the heart of the cyclone .belt." HE WAS TRYING. Maud I do so love soldiers. Oh, (Tom, why are not you a son of Mars? Tom Well, I'm doing my best to be her son-in-law, ain't I? Advice. We have no wish to harry Your feelings, or to hurt. But if you are bow-legged Do not wear a hobble skirt. The Species. "Pop, will you tell me one thing?" "What is it, my son?" "When they have pets on shipboard, ;do they prefer old sea dogs to ocean i greyhounds?" Winter Reading, "I see you have subscribed to a drug journal." "I wanted something to read nights I Judge they won't print no football stories." A Ssd Case. ' "Do you remember Riggles?" i "Yes." "Ha was quite a popular boy at school." "So he was." "I'm darned if I ever thought he'd grow up to be a vegetarian." Lucky. "She's a fortunate girl." ; "Why so?" "That rich man she was nursing fell :in love with her and lived just long enough to marry her." SAD RETROSPECTION. I used to know a married man '. ! Who toiled from morn to night. ' ' ' And looked just like an also-ran, A poor, down-trodden wight. He slaved and slaved and all he got He gavo unto his wife. Who still complained about her lot And led him such a life. It seemed to him a thousand years, A thousand and a day. Since he made love to pretty dears And threw his coin away. Cut Short. The late Sir Charles Hammond, who won a parliament seat at Newcastle in 1S02, scored neatly off a heckler who ventured to interrupt his discourse. "Get yer 'air cut, Charlie," cried the in terrupter. Sir Charles, who happened to be a magistrate, adjusted hi3 glasses and, calmly scrutinizing his interrupt er, remarked: "My friend, if I am not mistaken, I have been the means of having your hair cut before today." London Globe. To Go With 'Em. "Have you got all the nuts and cakes and candies for Willie's birth day?" "I think so." "Then let's go home." "There is something else I ought to get him that I would like to ask your advice about?" "Well?" "Which do you think he would like best, castoria or castor oil?" Helped Some. "Yes, I remember her perfectly. Tha 3-ear I left here she married the home liest man in the county." "That's so, so she did. He is not near so homely now, however." "Made him patronize a beauty doc tor, did she?" "No, but he got kicked In the face by a mule shortly after they were mar ried." HER REVENGZ. Madge At the Euchre club last night she trumped my ace, but I got my revenge on the next deal. Morton How? Madge She led an ace and I trumped it. For a Getaway. If I were King Alphonso Whoso subjects loudly roar, I'd keep a trusty biplane Beside the palace door. An Effective Device. Ashley Swalmson has invented an alarm clock that will waken the deaf est man in the world. Seymour The clock must make a terrible noise, then. Ashley No, it doesn't make any noise. Seymour Doesn't make any noise- how can it waken the sleeper? Ashley It's constructed so as to drop on his face. A Confused Situation. "Who gave the real offense in this affair of honor?" asked one Parisian duelist "It's hard to decide," replied the other. "The duke undoubtedly insult ed me, but he insists that for a person in my position to resent anything he says is an unpardonable imperti nence." Professional Results. "The surgeon you Introduced me to tne other day has a very gruff and of fensive manner. How do his patients take it?" , "As to nis patients, they seer- very much cut up." Woman's Economy. "Oh, Ethel, I just made $4." "Goodness! How on earth did you do it?" "I bought a chicken for our Sun day dinner instead of a turkey." Judge. Great Weakness. "Does he like to see his name In print?" "I'll tell you something in the strict est confidence." "Well?" "He sent a marked copy of the city directory to a friend of his in the coun try." The Plain Thing. "Don't you think Eullifs face has something of a Simian resemblance?" "Oh, come off with ydur beauty talk! The man looks like a monkey." A Very Demure Young Lady By LAWRENCE Copyright, lyu, by Associated Literary Press It was a matter of wonder that such an ambitious, aggressive mother as Mrs. Kent should have such a de mure daughter as Estelle. Yes, the mother was very aggressive, and the daughter was very, very demure. That was an opposite other mothers could not help but remark. At seventeen Miss Estelle was sent to Vassar. She might have preferred another school, but her mother said Vassar, and that settled that. Mrs. Kent was a widow with an income none too large, but she had plans and schemes far ahead. At eighteen and nineteen Miss Es telle was still acquiring knowledge, but at twenty she had finished. She had had vacations, of course, and there had been no change in her de mureness. She was given three or four days in which to draw her breath after getting home for good, and then her mother called her to her side and said: "Estelle, you are now twenty years old." "Yes, mamma." "You should be thinking of matri mony." "I am, mamma." "You have a handsome face and a good education, and you ought to marry well." "So I should mamma." "But the trouble is," continued the mother, "that there are no eligible young men around here. That is, none who could support you in the style you deserve." "Not one, mamma." "But there is a gentleman, after all a middle-aged gentleman a man of wealth who has been attracted to you. He has seen you on various occasions during your vacations, anc has become smitten. He was here the other day to ask the privilege of calling on you." "Yes, mamma." "And I granted it. Estelle, you at least know of Mr. Henderson the gentleman who owns the Goldenl Brewery?" "Yes, mamma." "I have heard it said that he is all of forty-eight years old, and dyes his whiskers. Those innuendoes are al ways thrown out against the rich He is a fat man and baldheaded, but "Estelle, Isn't He Just Splendid?" you don't think that counts against him, do you?" "Of course not, mamma." "Fat can be reduced and bald heads covered with wigs. Mr. Henderson may not be as well educated as some, but he's a thorough business man. I thought you might be prejudiced against him because he is a brewer." "Oh, no, mamma." "Of course he doesn't rinse out the kegs and bottles and refill them again, nor does he drive one of his wagons. He stays In the office and counts the cash. "Yes, mamma," was the same de mure and dutiful reply. "Mr. Henderson will probably call within a day or two. He has pur chased a beautiful auto, and as soon as he can find a chauffeur to run it we are to go for a ride. I knew you would think as I do about this mat ter, but still I want to praise you for your good common sense." "Thanks, mamma." Mrs. Kent smiled with satisfaction. She hugged herself in her compla cency. She believed the match as good as made. Within a reolus of ten miles of her were a hundred other mothers who could have told her that it was the demure young lady to have an eye on, but the cau tion would have done no good. That same evening a letter was mailed to somebody up the state which con tained the following sentence: "Come at once and hire to him as a chauffeur. You know how to run an auto. We'll plan the rest after you get here." Miss Demure was planning a lit tle scheme. It was "yes, mamma," to everything, and mamma thought a girl trenty years old . Mr. Henderson called. Yes, he was short and fat and pudgy. Ha wore a ALFRED CLAY wig and looked his nge, no matter what it was. No, he was not an edu cated man. He was just a millionaire, with a loving heart, and when he made this announcement he laid his hand on his right side, as If his heart had moved over. He had hired a chauffeur that day, and could invito mother and daughter to go out for a spin with him on the next. The chauffeur was fine-looking and would be a man to do credit to him. After his call had lasted an hour, and the brewer who didn't rinse his own bot tles had rendered himself as agree able as he could, he bowed himself out, and the mother turned to the, daughter with: "Estelle, isn't he just splendid?" "He is, mamma," was the reply. "Can you find anything to criti cise?" "Not a thing, mamma." "Then let me give you a motherly kiss." And just one hour after that moth erly kiss had been implanted on her demure cheek Miss Estelle was walk ing and talking with the brewer's chauffeur in the reading room of the town library! They talked about something that both smiled and gig gled over, and the deceitful young lady almost whistled the air of a topical song as she made her way homeward. The "spin" was taken next after noon. Truly, it was a fine auto, and truly it was a distinguished looking chauffeur. The ladies occupied the tonneau and the brewer sat beside the driver that he might show off his fat back and red neck. Ten twenty thirty miles an hour, and then a stop! Tho auto had gone dead. That "Most certainly." "Many, many thanks. In case she makes me the happiest man on earth" Both happened to glance down the road at this instant, and both saw that the auto had disappeared. They ran to the first turn in the highway no auto! "Oh, what can have happened!" exclaimed the widow. "I know I know!" shouted the brewer. "They have eloped. Nothing ailed that bobcrank. It was a put up job.' He is her lover! " "Oh, no, no, no! It can't be!" "But I say it is! The demure lit tle cat has made a fool of me! I see it all I see It all! By thunder" "Sir! Don't you swear in my pres ence!" warned the widow. "Yes, she's a cat, and I believe you are either a scheming woman or or" "You fat, bald-headed vulgarian, how dare you!" It was three miles back to a farm house where the widow could hire a conveyance to take her home. That night at ten o'clock, when the demure Estelle brought her new made husband back and introduced him, the widow almost hugged him as she exclaimed: "I'm glad of it! That keg .washer of a brewer called mo a dodo and my darling a a cat!" Burned Out a Squirrel Family. C. H. Brown of Maiden kindled a fire in a parlor stove that had not been used before this winter and as a result a family of squirrels was burned out of their home and the fire department made a hurried flsit to the Brown residence. Near by there is heavily wooded land where squir rels abound. The squirrels's nest In cluded a bushel of sticks, leaves and moss and the chimney was effectual ly blocked when Mr. Brown attempted to start the fire. ' While the inmates of the house were wondering at the smoke that filled the rooms a passerby was sur prised to find flames shooting from the chimney and he rang an alarm. No serious damage was occasioned and as no dead squirrels were found it is presumed that they escaped. Boston Transcript. Part of the Role. "Shall we pose as millionaires, or as foreign dukes at the hotel?" "As the latter, my boy. As mil lionaires, we might be expected to display some evidences of wealth. But as dukes, nobody can possibly take 'it amiss if we skip." Doing Him Justice. "He is hard-hearted; whenever he runs anyone down with his auto he 6peeds up and leaves them." "That's because he's tender-hearted. i It breaks his heart to hear their 1 groans of pain." IMMEDIATE EFFECT OF GREAT Kfr HEY REMEDY IS SOON REALIZED According to my experience I do not consider there is anything to equal Dr. Kilmer's Swamp-Root for kidney affec tion. Twice it relieved mo when I was completely helpless. The last time I was traveling in Texas, when my kidneys became affected, and for ten days I suffered excruciating pain, accompanied with severe chills. Several years previous, having been relieved of a similar attack, I naturally sought relief as before, from Swamp-Root. . After using four of the large size bot tles, I was completely restored and went on my way rejoicing and praising Dr. Kilmer's Swamp-Root. This was three years ago, and I have had no indication of the return of the affliction. Yours very truly, J. C. SMITH, Jr. Jackson, Tenn. State of Tennessee County of Madison Subscribed and sworn to before me this 13th day of July, 1909. P. C. STOVALL, Iiattur to Dr. Kilmer Co. ninDbunbra, !. T. Notary Public. Prove What Swamp-Root Will Do For You Send to Dr. Kilmer & Co., Bingham ton, N. Y., for a sample bottle. It will convince anyone. You will also receive a booklet of valuable information, telling all about the kidneys and bladder. When writing, be sure and mention this paper. For sale at all drug stores. Price fifty cents and one-dollar. His Labor-Saving Device. "I have discovered a great labor saving device." "I always said you were a genius. What is it?" "I'm going to marry Miss Bullion, the heiress." Constipation causes man' serious dis eases. It is thoroughly cured by Dr. Pierce's Pleasant Pellets. One a laxative three for cathartic. Reforms come slowly because we all would rather wield the ax than bear the knife. nt.ES CrREl) IN 6 TO 14 RAYS fonrdragtjist will refund money if PA.O OINT MBNT fails to cure nnv oaso of Itching, Blind. Blseding or Protruding Piles in to 14 days. Ulc Happiness grows at our own fire side and is not to be picked in stran gers' gardens. Douglas Jerrold. Mrs. Wlnslow's Soothing Syrup for Children teething, softens the prutns, reduces inflamma tion, allays pain, curett wind colic, 25c a bottle. Too often sermons have too much length and too little depth. Judge. Garfield Tea has brought good health to thousands! Unequaled for constipation. An undertaker knows a lot of "dead ones" that he is unable to bury. Itch Cdf-ed In 30 Minutes by AVool ford's SanitaryLotion.Never fails. At druggists. Some tombstone inscriptions are too good to be true. Take Garfield Tea! Made of LTerbs, it is pure, pleasant and health-giving. Every hear of a pearl being found in a church fair oyster? from woman's ailments are invited to writo to tho names and addresses here given, for positive proof that Lydia E. Pinkham's Vegetable Compound docs cure female ills. J Tumor Removed. Elmo, Mo. Mra.Sarah J .Stuart,R.F.D. No. 2, Box IS. Peoria.Ill.-Mrs. Christina Beed,105MoundSt. Natick, Mass. Mrs. Nathan B. Greaton, CI North Main &t. Milwaukee.Wls. Mrs. Emma Imse, 833 1st St. Chicago, Ill.-Mrs. Alvena Sperling, 1468 Cly bourite Ave. - Galena,Kan. Mrs.R.R. Huev,713MlneralAv. Victoria, Miss. Mrs. Willio Edwards. Cincinnati, Ohio. Mrs.W. H. Housh, 7 East view Ave.. m Change or Life. Epping, N.n. Mrs. (Jelia E. Stevens. Streator, Ill.-Mrs. J. H. Campbell, 206 North Second St. Brooklyn, N.Y. Mrs.'Evens, 823 Halsey St. Noah, Ky. Mrs. Lizzie Holland. Cathamet.Wash. Mrs.Elva Barber Edwards. Circleville, Ohio.-Mrs. Alice Eirlin, 333 West Huston St. Srlem, Ind. Mrs. Lizzie S. Hinkle,R.R.No.3. New Orleans, La. Mrs. Oa8tonBlondeau,1812 Terpsichore St. Mishawaka, Ind. Mrs. Chas. Bauer, Sr., G23 East Marion St. Racine.Wis. Mrs. Katie Kubik, R. 2, Box 61. B aver Falls, Pa.-M rs. W. P.Boyd ,2410 9th Av. Materntty Trouble. 3'ronaugh, Mo. Mrs. D. F. Aleshlre. Phenix, lt.I.-Mrs. "Wm. O. King, Box 283. Carlstadt, N.J. Mrs. Louis Fischer, Si Mon roe St. South San ford. Me. Mrs. Charles A. Austin. Schenectady.N.Y. Mrs.H.Porter,783 Albany St. Taylorville, Hl.-Mrs. Joe Grantham, 825 W. Vandeveer St. Cincinnati, Ohio. Mrs. Sophia HofT, B15 Mo- Mick en Ave. Big Run, Pa. Mrs. W. E. Pooler. Philadelphia, Pa. Mrs. M. Johnston, 210 SlegelSt. Backftche Peoria, Ill.-Mrs. Clara L. Gauwitx, R.R.N0. 4, Box 62. Augusta, Me. Mrs.WInfield Dana, R.F.D. 2. St. Paul, Minn. -Mrs. B. M. fechoro, 1083 Woodbridge St. Pittsburcr, Pa.-Mrs. G. Leiser,6219 Kinkald St., E.E. Kearney, Mo.-Mrs. Thomas Asburry. Blue Island, 111. Mrs. Anna Schwartx, S28 Grove St. East Earl, Pa.-Mrs. Augustus Lyon,R.FJ2. Operations Avoided. Slkeston, Mo.-Mrs. Dema Bethune. Gardiner, Me. -Mrs. S. A. Williams, 142 Wash ington Are. CMcago,m.-Mrs.Wm.Ahrens,2239W.21stSt. Bellerue, Ohio.-Mrs. Edith Wieland, 233 Monroe St. DeForest.Wls. Mrs. Augusts Vespermann. Dexter, Kansas. Mrs. Lizzie Scott. These women are only a few of the poorer of Lydia E. Pinkham's Vegetable Compound to cure female diseases. Not one of these -women ever received compensation in any form for the use of their names in thia advertisement but are 'will ing that we should refer to them because of the good they may do other suffering women to prove that Lydia E. Pinkhaimj Vegetable Compound is a reliable and honest medicine, and that the statements made in our advertisements regarding its merit are the truth and nothing but the truth. . Barks Herbs That have great medicinal power, are raised to their highest efficiency, for puri fying and enriching the blood, as they are combined in Hood's Sarsaparilla. 40,366 testimonials received by actual count in two years. Be sure to take Hood's Sarsaparilla Get It today In usual liquid form or chocolated tablets called Sarsatabs. ITCH CURED IN 30 MINUTES, By One Application of Dr. David's Sanative Wash We puarantee DR. DAVID'S SANATIVE WASH to cure any case of Itch in 30 min utes, if used according to directions, or we Will refund your money. If your Dog lias Scratches or Mange Dr. David'sSanative Wash will cure him at once. Price, 50 Cents a Bottle It cannot be mailed. Delivered at your nearest express office free, upon receipt of 75 ceuts. OWENS & MINOR DRUG CO. Richmond Virginia iThe Wretchedness of Constipation ;Caa quickly be overcome by ' CARTER'S LITTLE LIVER Purely act sure! Bendy on I Over. Cure Biliousness, Head, ache. cess, and Indigestion. They do their dutyj Small PHI. Small Dote, 'Small Price. J Genuine tnwtbc&i Signature ii This Is Cyrus Bates, the man v advertises Mother' Joy and Goos Grease Liniment two of the grea things known humanity. Mother's Joy Is a Pneumonia Cure and Never Fails Organic Displacement. Black Duck. Jlinn. Mrs. Anna. Anderson Box 19. ' 1 WesleyvUle.Pa. Mrs. Majrglo Ester,R.F.D. 1. Trenton, Mo. ilra.W. X. iurnell,307 Lineola Arenuo. Camden,H.J. Mrs. Ella Johns ton, 2S9 Liberty St. 1 Chicago, Ill.-Mrs. TTm. Tally, 2052 Ogdeu Avenue. ralnful Periods. Caledonia, Wis. ilrs. Ph. Sehattnlr, TLB. 14, Box 64. Adrian, Mo. Mrs. C. B. Mason .R.B. No. 2. K. Oxford, Mass. Miss Amelia Duso, Box 14. Baltimore.Ohio. Mrs.A.A.BaleugerJR.F.D.l. Negaunee.Mlch. Mrs. MarySedlock.Box 1273. Orrville, Ohio. Mrs. E. F. Wagner, Box 620. Atwater. Ohio. Mies Minnie Muelhaupt. Prairie du Chien, Wis. Mrs. Julia JConicheck, B.No.1. Irregularity. Buffalo, N.T.-Mra. Clara Darbrake,17Mixle- mont St. Winchester, Ind. Mrs. May Deal. B.B.No.7. St. Reels Falla, N.Y.-Mrs. J. H. Breyere. . GravTille, 111. Mrs. Jessie Schaar, Box 82. 1 Hudson, Ohio. Mrs. Geo. Strickier, . JS'o. 5, Box 32. Ovarian Trouble. , Mnrrayrllle, ni. Mrs. Chas. Moore. K. R. S. ' Philadelphia, Pa. Mrs. Chas. lioell, 2219 N. Mole St, Minneapolis, Minn. Mrs. John Q. Moldan, 2115 Second St., North, Hudson, Ohio. M rs. Lena Carmoclno,It.F.D.7. Westwood, Md. Mrs. John F. Kichard. 1 Benjamin, Mo. Mrs. Julia Frants, K.FJ). L' Female Weakness. W.Terre Haute, Ind. Mrs. ArtieK. Hamilton? Elmo, Mo.-Mrs. A. C. Da Vault. Lawrence,Iowa. Mrs. Julia A. Snow, R. No. 8. Utiea, Ohio.-Mrs. Mary Earlwlne, R. F. D. 3. BeUerne, Ohio. Mrs. Charley Chapman, B.F. , D.No.7. I Elgin, 111. Mrs. Henry Lelseberg, 743 Adams St. fiohaefferstown, Paj Mrs. Cyrus Hetrich. Cresson, Pa. Mrs. EUa E. Aikey. Fairchance, Pa. Mrs. Idelia A. Dunham. Box 152. ' Nervous: Prostration. KnoxrUle, Iowa. Mrs. Clara Franks.RJJJ. 3. Oronogo, Mo. Mrs. Mae McKnight. . Camdea, N.J. Mrs. W. P. Valentine, 002 Lin-' coin Avenue. Muddy, Ill.-Mrs. May Nolen. Brookrille, Ohio.-Mrs. R. Kinnlson. Fitchylle, Ohio. Mrs. C. Cole. Philadelphia, Pa. Mrs. Frank Clark, 2416 E. Allegheny Aye. ) thousands of living "witnesses ofi 1 FILLS. vtTTsr vegetablo '.Ji ' S. O. ho ISk 1 test I 37, f-
The Roanoke Beacon and Washington County News (Plymouth, N.C.)
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Feb. 17, 1911, edition 1
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