North Carolina Newspapers

The Hypotheses of Failure y o. henry Copyright, by Ai lis SAWYER GOOCH bestowed his undivided attention y upon the engrossing arts of I Ma profession. But one flight of fancy did he allow fifj?Tj his mind to entertain. He I Tii3rfl was fond of likening his suite of rooms to the bot tom of a ship. Tire rooms w.ere three in number, with a door opening from one to another. These doors could also be closed. . "Ships," Lawyer Gooch would say, "are constructed for safety, with sep arate, water-tight compartments In their bottoms. If "one compartment springs a leak it fills with water; but the good ship goes on unhurt. Were It not for the separating bulkheads one leak would sink the vessel. Now it often happens that while I am oc cupied with clients other clients with conflicting interests call. With the as sistance of Archibald an office boy with a future I cause the dangerous influx to be diverted into separate compartments, while I sound with my legal plummet the depth of each. If necessary, they may be baled out Into the hallway and permitted to escape by way of the stairs, which we may term the lee scuppers. Thus the good Bhlp of business is kept afloat; where as if the element that supports her were allowed to mingle freely in her hold we might be swamped ha, ha, ha!" The law is dry. Good Jokes are few. Surely It might be permitted Lawyer Gooch to mitigate the bore of briefs, the tedium of torts and the proslness of processes with even so light a levy upon the good property of humor! Lawyer Gooch's practise leaned largely to the settlement of marital Infelicities. Did matrimony languish through complications, he mediated, soothed and arbitrated. Did it suffer from implications, hereadjusted, de fended and championed. Did it ar rive at the extremity of duplications, he always got light sentences for his clients. But not always was Lawyer Gooch the keen, armed, wily, belligerent, ready with his two-edged sword to lop off the shackles of Hymen. He had been krown to build up instead of de molishing, to reunite Instead of sever ing, to lead erring and foolish ones back Into the fold instead of scatter ing the flock. Often had he by his eloquent and moving appeals sent hus band and wife, weeping, back into each other's arms. Frequently he bad coached chlldh&od so successfully that, at the psychological moment (and at a given signal) the plaintive pipe of "Papa, won't you turn home adaln to me and muvver? "had won the day and upheld the pillars of a tottering home. Unprejudiced persons admitted that Lawyer Gooch received as big fees from these re-yoked clients as would have been paid him had the cases been contested In court. Prejudiced ones Intimated that his fees were doubled, because the penitent couples always came back later for the di vorce, anyhow. There came a season in June when the legal ship of Lawyer Gooch (to borrow his own figure) was nearly be calmed. The divorce mill grinds slow ly In June. It Is the month of Cupid and Hymen. Lawyer Gooch, then, sat idle in the middle room of his cllentless suite. A small anteroom connected or rather separated this' apartment from the hallway. Here was stationed Archi bald, who wrested from visitors their card3 or oral nomenclature which he bore to his master while they waited. Suddenly, on this day, there came a great knocking at the outermost door. - Archibald, opening it, was thrust aside as superfluous by the visitor, who, without due reverence, at once penetrated to the office of lawyer Gooch and threw himself with good-natured insolence Into a comfortable chair facing that gentleman. "You are Phineas C. Gooch, attor-ney-at-law?" said the visitor, his tone of voice and Inflection making his words at once a question, an assertion and an accusation. Before committing himself by a re ply, the lawyer estimated his possible client In one of his brief but 6hrewd and calculating glances. The man was of the emphatic type large-sized, active, bold and debon air m demeanor, vain beyond a doubt, slightly swaggering, ready and at ease. He was well clothed, but with a shade too much ornateness. He was seeking a lawyer; but if the fact would seem to saddle him with troubles they were not patent In his beaming eye and courageous air. "My name Is Gooch," at length the lawyer admitted. Upon pressure he would also have confessed to the Phineas C. But he did not consider It good practise to volunteer information. "I did not receive your card," he con tinued, by way of rebuke, "so I" , "I know you didn't," remarked the visitor, coolly;, "and you won't Just y fit Light up?" He threw a leg over an arm chair, and tossed a handful or ricn-niiea ugus upon ice tame. Lawyer Gooch knew the brand. He thawed Just enough to accept the Invi tation to sracift. "You are a divorce lawyer," said th1 caniioss visitor. This time there v. ?-s no l:;terrc&atiott In his voice. Nor d:I Lis v ordi constitute a simple as tailon. They form J a cVarge a de I - H lea Magazine Co.) nunciation as one would say to a dog: "You are a dog." Lawyer Gooch was silent under the imputation. "You handle," continued the visitor, "all the various ramifications of bust-ed-up connubiality. You are a surgeon, we mlghtsay, -who extracts Cupid's darts when he shoots 'em into the wrong parties. You furnish patent, in candescent lights for premisesrwhere the torch of Hymen has burned so low you can't light a cigar at It. Am I right, Mr. Gooch?" "I have undertaken cases," said the lawyer, guardedly, "in the line to which your figurative speech seems to refer. Do you wish to consult me pro fessionally. Mr. - " The lawyer paused, with significance. "Not yet," said the other, with an arch wave of his cigar, "not Just yet. Let us approach the subject with the caution that should have been used in the original act that makes this pow wow necessary. There exists a mat rimonial jumble to be straightened out. But before I give you names I want your honest well, anyhow, your professional opinion on the merits of the mix-up. I want you to size up the catastrophe abstractly you under stand? I'm Mr. Nobody; and I've ot a story to tell you. Then you say what's what. Do you get my wire less?" "You want to state a hypothetical case?" suggested Lawyer Gooch. ,, "That's the word I was after. 'Apoth ecary' was the best shot I could make at it in my mind. The hypothetical goes. I'll state the case. Suppose there's a woman a deuced fine-looking woman who has run away from her-husband and home? She's badly mashed on another man who went to her town , to work up some real estate business. Now, we may as well call this woman's husband Thomas R. Bill ings, for that's his name. I'm giving you straight tips on the cognomens. The Lothario chap is Henry K, Jessup. The Billlngses lived in a little town called Susanville a good many miles from here. Now, Jessup leaves Su sanville two weeks ago. The next day Mrs. Billings follows him. She's dead gone on this man Jessup; you can bet your law library on that." Lawyer Gooch's client said this with such unctuous satisfaction that even th9 callous lawyer experienced a slight ripple of repulsion.- He now saw clearly in his fatuous visitor the, conceit of the lady-killer, the egoistic complacency of the successful trifler. "Now," continued the visitor, "sup pose this Mrs. Billings wasn't happy at home? We'll say she and her husband didn't gee worth a cent. They've got incompatibility to burn. The things she likes Billings wouldn't have as a gift with trading stamps. It's Tabby and Rover, with them all the time. She's an educated woman in science and culture, and she reads things out loud at meetings. Billings is not so. He don't appreciate progress and obe lisks and ethics, and things of that sort. Old Billings is simply a blink when it comes to such things. The lady is out-and-out above his class. Now, lawyer, don't it look like a fair equalization of rights and wrongs that a woman like that should be allowed to throw down Billings and take the man that can appreciate her?" "Incompatibility," said" Lawyer Gooch, "is undoubtedly the source of much marital discord and unhappi ness. Where it is positively proven, divorce would seem to be the equitable remedy. Are you excuse me Is this man Jessup one to whom the lady may safely trust her future?" "Oh, you can bet on Jessup," said the client, with a confident wag of his head. "Jessup's all right. Hell do the square thing. Why, he left Susan ville just to keep people irom talking about Mrs. Billings. But she followed hlra up, and now, of course, he'll stick to her. Wrhen she gets a divorce, all legal and proper, Jessup will do the proper thing." "And now," said Lawyer Gooch, "continuing the hypothesis, if you pre fer, and supposing that my services should be desired in the case, what " The client rose impulsively to his feet. "Oh, dang the hypothetical busi ness," he exclaimed, impatiently. "Let's let her drop, and get down to straight talk. You ought to know who I am by this time. I want that woman to. have her divorce. I'll pay. for it. The day you set Mrs. Billings free I'll pay you five hundred dollars." Lawyer Gooch's client banged his first upon the table to punctuate his generosity. "If that is the case " began the lawyer. "LAdy to see you, sir," bawled Ar chibald, bouncing in from his ante room. He had orders to always an nounce Immediately aay client thai might come. ' There was no sense in turning business away. Lawyer Gooch took client number one by the arm and led him suavely Into one of the adjoining rooms. "Fa vor me by remaining here a few min utes, sir," he said. "I will return and resume our consultation with the least possible delay. I am rather expecting a visit from a very wealthy old lady In connection with a will. I will" not keep you waiting long." The breezy gentleman seated him self with obliging acquiescence, and took up a magazine. The lawyer re turned to the middle office, carefully closing behind him , the connecting door. "Show , the lady in, Archibald," he said to the office boy, who was await ing the order. ; . A tall lady, of commanding presence and sternly handsome, entered tbe room. She wore robes robes ; t not clothes ample and fluent. In her eye could be perceived the lambent flame of genius and soul. In her hand was a green bag of the capacity, of a bushel, and an. umbrella that also seemed to wear a robe, ample and fluent. She ac cepted a chair. "Are you Mr. Phineas C. Gooch, the lawyer?" she asked, In formal and un conclllatory tones. "I am," answered Lawyer Gooch, without circumlocution. He never cir cumlocuted when , dealing with a wom an. Women clrcumlocute. Time Is wasted when both sides in a debate employ the same tactics. , . . "As a lawyer, sir," began the lady, "you may have acquired some knowl edge of the human heart. Do you be lieve that the pusillanimous and petty conventions of our artificial social life should stand as an obstacle in the way of a noble, and affectionate heart when it finds its true mate among the miserable and worthless wretches In the world that are called men?" "Madam," said Lawyer Gooch, in the tone that he used In curbing his fe male clients, "this is an office for con ducting the practise of law. I am a lawyer, and not a philosopher, nor the editor of an 'Answers to the -Love-lorn column of a newspaper. I have other clients waiting. I will ask you to kindly come to the point." "Well, you needn't get so stiff around the gills about it," said the lady, with a snap of her luminous eyes and a startling gyration of her um brella. "Business is what I've come for. I want your opinion in the matter of a suit for divorce, as the vulgar would call It, but which is really only the readjustment of the false and ig noble conditions that the short-sighted laws of man have interposed between a loving " . "I beg your pardon, madam," Inter rupted Lawyer Gooch, with some im patience, "for reminding you again that this is a law office. Perhaps Mrs. Wilcox" "Mrs. Wilcox, is all right," cut in the lady, with a hint of asperity. "And so is Tolstoi, and Mrs. Gertrude Ather ton, and Omar Khayyam, and Mr. Ed- ji fif - f 1 ' I- JHH &M mm MA jpmfk nnv n Six3 HE HURLED HIS SATCHEL WITH ward Bok. I've read 'em all. I would like to discuss with you the divine right of the soul as opposed to the freedom-destroying restrictions of a bigoted and narrow-minded society. But I will proceed to business. I would prefer to lay the matter before you In an impersonal way until you pass upon its merits. That is, to describe it as a supposable instance, without " "You wish to state a hypothetical case?" said Lawyer Gooch. "1 was going to say that," said the lady, sharply. "Nw, suppose there Is a woman who is all soul and heart and aspirations for a complete existence. Thi3 woman has a husband who is far below her in intellect, in taste in everything. Bah! he is a brute. He despises literature. He sneers at the lofty thoughts of the world's great thinkers. He thinks only of real es tate and such sordid things. He is no mate for a woman with soul. We will say that this unfortunate wife one day meets with her ideal a man with brain and heart and force. She loves him. Although this man feels the thrill of a new-found affinity he is too noble, too honorable to declare himself. He flies from the presence of his beloved. She flies after him, trampling, with superb indifference upon the fetters with which an unenlightened social system would bind her. Now, what will a divorce cost? Eliza Ann Tira na ins, the poetess of Sycamore "Gap, got one for three hundred and forty dollars. Can I I mean can this lady I speak of get one that cheap?" "Madam," said Lawyer Gooch, "your last two or three sentences delight me with their intelligence and clearness. Can we not now abandon the hypo thetical, and come down to names and business ?" "I should eay o." exclaimed th lady, adopting the practical-with d .mirable readiness. "Thomas R. Bill ings is the name of the low brute who stands between the happiness of his legal his legal, but not his spiritual wife and Henry K. Jessup, the noble man whom nature Intended - for -her mate. I," concluded the client with an air of dramatic revelation, "am Mrs, Billings!" "Gentlemen to see you, Blr," shout ed Archibald, Invading the room al most at a handspring. Lawyer Gooch arose from his chair. "Mrs. Billings," he said, courteous ly, "allow me to conduct you into the adjoining office apartment for a few minutes, I am expecting a very wealthy old gentleman on business connected with a will. In a very short while I will join you. and continue our consultation." With his accustomed chivalrous manner Lawyer Gooch ushered his soulful client Into the remaining unoc cupied room, and came out, closing the door with circumspection. : . The next visitor Introduced by Ar chibald was a thin, nervous, irritable looking man of middle age, with a wor ried imd apprehensive expression . of countenance. He carried in one hand a small satchel, which he pet down upon the floor beside the chair which the lawyer placed for him. His cloth ing was of good quality, but it was worn without regard to neatness or style, and appeared to be covered with the dust of travel. "You make a specialty of divorce cases," he said, in an agitated but businesslike tone. - "I may say," began Lawyer Gooch, "that my practise has not altogether avoided " T know you do," Interrupted client number three. "You needn't tell me. I've heard all about you. I have a case to lay before you without necessarily disclosing any connection that I might have with it that is " "You wish," said Lawyer Gooch, "to state a hypothetical case." "You may call it that. I am a plain man of business. I will be as brief "as possible. We will first take up the hypothetical woman. We will say she is married uncongenlally. In many ways she Is a superior woman. Phys ically she is considered to be hand some. She Is devoted to what she calls literature poetry and prose, and such FURY AT THE LAWYER'S HEAD. stuff. Her husband is a plain man in the business walks of life. Their home has not been happy, although the hus band has tried to make it so. Some time ago a man a stranger came to the peaceful town In which they lived and engaged in some real estate opera tions. This woman met him, and be came unaccountably infatuated with him. Her attentions became so open that the man felt the community to be no safe place for him, so he left It. She abandoned husband a.nd home, and followed him. She forsook her home, where she was provided with every comfort, to follow this man who had inspired her with snch a strange affection. Is there antbing more to be deplored," concluded the client, in a trembling voice, "than the wrecking of a home by a woman's uncalculatlng folly?" - . ' Lawyer Gooch delivered the cautious opinion that there was not. "This man she has gone to join," re siimed the visitor, "Is net the man to make her happj. It is a wild and fool ish self-deception that makes her think he will. Her husband. In spite of their many disagreements, is tbe only one capable of dealing with her sensitive and peculiar nature. But this she does not realize now." "Would you consider a divorce the logical cure in the case you present?" asked Lawyer Gooch, who felt that the conversation was wandering too far from the field of business. "A divorce!" exclaimed the client, feelingly almost tearfully, "No, no not that. I have read, Mr. Gooch, of many instances where your sympathy and kindly interest led you to act as a mediator between estranged husband and wife, and brought them together again. Let us drop the hypothetical case I need conceal no linger that It is I who am the sufferer in this sad af fair the :, names you shall have- Thomas R. Billings and wife and Henry K, Jessup, the mau with whom she is infatuated." ; " " Client number three laid, his hand upon Mr. Gooch's arm. Deep emotion was written upon his careworn face. "For heaven's sake," he said, fervent ly, "help me in this hour of trouble. Seek out Mrs. Billings,' and persuade her to abandon this distressing . pur suit of her lamentable folly. Tell her, Mr. Gooch, that her husband is willing to receive her back to his heart and horhe promise her anything that will induce her to return. I have hearjj of your success in these matters. Mrs. Billings cannot be very far away. I am worn but with travel and weari ness. Twice during the pursuit I saw her, but various circumstances pre vented our having an interview. Will you undertake this mission for me, Mr. Gooch and earn my everlasting gratitude?". v .f , "It is true," said Lawyer Gdochj frowning slightly, at the other's last words, but Immediately calling up an expression of virtuous benevolence, "that on a number of occasions I have been successful in persuading couples who sought the severing of their mat rimonial bonds to think better of their rash intentions and return to their homes reconciled. But I assure you that the work is often exceedingly dif ficult. The amount of argument, per severance, and, If I may be allowed to say It, eloquence that it requires would astonlsh,you. But this is a case In which my sympathies would be wholly enlisted. I -feel - deeply for you, 'sir, and I would be most happy to see hus band and wife reunited. But my time," concluded the lawyer," looking at bis watch as if suddenly reminded of the fact, "is valuable." "I am aware of that," said the client, "and if you will take the case and per suade Mrs. Billings to return home and leave the man alone that she is following on that day I will pay you the sum of one thousand dollars. - I have made a little money in real es tate during the recent boom in Susan ville, and I will not begrudge that amount." .. ,; "Retain your seat for a few mo ments, please," said Lawyer Gooch, arising, and again consulting , his watch. "I have another client wait ing in an adjoining room whom I had very nearly forgotten. I will return in the briefest possible space." The situation was now one that ful ly satisfied Lawyer Gooch's love of In tricacy and complication. He reveled in cases that presented such subtle problems and possibilities. It pleased him to think that he was master of the happiness and fate of the three indi viduals who sat, unconscious of one another's presence, within his reach. His old figure of the ship glided into his mind. But now the figure failed, for- to have filled every compartment of an actual vessel would have been to endanger her safety; while here, with his compartments full, his ship of af fairs could but salli on to the advan tageous port of a fine, fat fee. The thing for him to do, of course, was to wring the best bargain he could- from some one of his anxious cargo. First he called to the office boy: "Lock the outer door, Archibald, and admit no one." Then he moved, with long, silent strides into the room in which client number one waited. That gentleman sat, patiently scanning the pictures in" the magazine, with a cigar in his mouth and his feet upon a table. "Well," he remarked, cheerfully, as the -lawyer entered, "have you made up your mind? Does five hundred dol lars go for getting the fair lady a di vorce?" "You mean that as a retainer?" asked Lawyer Gooch, softly interroga tive. "Hey? No; for the whole Job. It's enough, ain't it?" "My fee," said Lawyer "Gooch, "would be cne thousand five hundred dollars. Five hundred dollars down, and the remainder upon issuance of the divorce." . A loud whistle came from client number one. His feet descended to the floor. - "Guess we can't close the deal," he said arising. "I cleaned up five hun dred dollars in a little real estate dick er down in Susanville. I'd do any thing I could to free the lady, but it out-slzes my pile." "Could you Etand one thousand two hundred dollars?" asked the lawyer, insinuatingly. . "Flve hundred Is my limit, I tell you. Guess I'll have to hunt up a cheaper lawyer." The client put on his hat. "Out this way, please," 6aid Lawyer Gooch, opening the door that lei into the hallway. As the gentleman flowed out of the compartment and down the stair, Lawyer Gooch smiled to himself. "Exit Mr. Jessup," he murmured, as he fin gered the Henry Clay tuft of hair at his ear. "And now for the forsaken husband." He returned to the middle office, and assumed a businesslike manner, "I understand," he said to client number three, "that you agree to pay one thousand dollars If I bring about, or am instrumental in bringing about, the return of Mrs. Billings to her home, and her abandonment of her Infatuated pursuit of the man for whom she has conceived such a vio lent fancy. Also that the case is now unreservedly in my hands on that basis. Is that correct?" " 'Entirely," said, the other, eagerly. "And I can produce the cash any time at two hours' notice." Lawyer Gooch stood up at his full height. His thin figure seemed to: ex pand. His thumbs sought the arm holes of his vest. Upon his face was the look of sympathetic benignity that he always wore during such underta kings. "Then, elr," he said in kindly tones, "1 tVink I can vremts you ft ssrly re lief, from your troubles. I have t!utt Tnuch confidence In my powers of argu ment and persuasion, in the ratural impulses of the human heart toward good, and in the strong influence of a husband's unfaltering love. Mrs. Bill ings, sir, Is here in that room" the lawyer's long arm pointed to the door. "I will call hr In at once; and our united .pleadings-" . ; Lawyer Gooch" paused, for client number three had leaped , from his chair as if propelled by steel springs, and clutched his satchel. "What the devil." he exclaimed, harshly, "do you mean? That woman In there! I thought I shook her off forty miles back." - He ran to the open window, looked out below, and threw one leg over the Sill. "Step!", cried Lawyer Gooch, in amazement. "What would you do? Come, Mr. Billings, and face your er ring butinnocent wife. Our combined entreaties cannot fail to " "Billings!" shouted the now thor oughly moved client; "I'll Billings you. you old idiot!" Turning, he hurled his satchel with fury at the lawyer's head. It struck that astounded peacemaker between the eyes, causing him to stagger back ward a pace or two. When Lawyer Gooch recovered his wits he saw that his client had disappeared. Rushing to the window, he leaned out, and saw the recreant gathering himself up from the top of a shed upon which he had dropped from the second-story win dow. Without stopping to collect his hat he then plunged downward the re maining ten feet to the alley, up which he flew with prodigious celerity until the surrounding building swallowed him up from view. Lawyer Gooch passed his hand trem blingly across his brow.- It was an habitual act with him, serving to clear his thoughts. Perhaps also It now seemed to soothe the spot where a very hard alligator-hide satchel had struck. ' " The satchel lay upon the floor, wide open, with its contents spilled about. Mechanically Lawyer Gooch stooped to " gather up the articles. The first was a collar; and the omniscent eye of the--man of law perceived, wonderlngly. the initials H. K. J. marked upon it. Then came a comb, a brush, a folded map and a piece of soap. Lastly, a handful of old business letters,- ad dressed every one, of them to "Henry K. Jessup, Esq." Lawyer Gooch closed the satchel, and set it upon the table. He hesita ted for a moment, and then put on hi hat and walked into the office boy' anteroom. "Archibald," he said, mildly, as h opened the hall door, "I am going around to the supreme court rooms. In five minutes you may step Into the. inner office, and inform the lady who is waiting there that" here Lawyer Gooch made use of the vernacular "that there's nothing doing." A Puzzled Pupil. The saying "S.et a thief to catch thief" is hot always a safe one to fol low. It seems strange that a man af-. flicted with color-blindness himself should attempt to detect that fault la another, but Frank T. Bullen met with, such a case, in his own personal ex perience which he relates in "Men of the Merchant Service," and ' which came near putting a serious check to his ambition. Mr. Bullen was being tutored, to pass an .examination for a second mate's certificate. -- One of the last things my crammer did was to test me for color-blindness. It was the first time I had ever heard of such a thing. When he first held up the little squares of colored glass I answered promptly, having a' very acute sense of color. To my amaze ment he soon slammed the glass la the box and exclaimed, "You are abso lutely color-blind. What do you mean by inventing names ror the glasses? Theer are only two colors here, red and green; all the rest are white and. black." , I selected a bright gamboge and ask ed him what color that was. "Green." he answered. Then I held up. a brilliant purple. "Green also." I felt there was a blunder some where, but I had learned not to argue, so I said, resignedly, "Well, I supposa IT1 have to take my chances." But I felt very uncomfortable. The next morning I went to tha Board of Trade office. There sat n gentleman with some strips of colored glass! My blood ran cold; if my eyej were wrong my career would be stop ped. . - : Bearing in mind what the crammer had said, I began describing the vari ous shades the examiner held up be fore me as red or green, as they were nearest one or the other. I though! the gentleman looked at me queerly but he said nothing until I called vivid magenta "red." Then he said: "I never met a more complete cas of color blindness." .. Desperate, I implored him to listen while I told him of my lesson. Hit face darkened. Turning to the box, he said: . . "Suppose you tell me just what yon think, without reference to Mr. So-and-so." " -, I did, and my sight was pronounced perfect. Youths' Companion. High Priced Art. The indignant citizen was freeing his mind. J You want 50 cents for admission to this motion picture show, do you!" ht exclaimed. "That's an infernal out. rage!" ' "Look here, mister," said the man in the box office, "this is no ordinary entertainment. There pictures coat a small fortune. They show two m?a taking dinner together. One of tieta fs eating a porterhouse steak and tL other is getting away with a plat el bacon and eggs."