GOOD NEWS FROM THE KING’S MOUNTAIN « THE ELEVENTH OF APRIL, 787 A.U.C «+ ACKNOWLEDGING THE UNITY OF ROME AND THE HEBREW NATION
TOMB EMPTY
In Spite of
Unusually
Tight Security,
Body of Jesus
of Nazareth
is Missing
from
Borrowed
Tomb
Roman Centurian Eecha Vus encounters a startled Mary Magdalene at the empty tomb where Jesus had been buried.
By: Yewur Theyr
Roman authorities confirm today what was earlier thought to
be simply a rapidly spreading rumor: that the tomb of the
recently crucified religious and political insurgent, Jesus of
Nazareth, was found empty this morning during a routine
sunrise visit by friends and family.
The initial report was not given much credence, having been
spread by women who claimed to have visited the tomb. But
with the verification of a number of Hebrew men (and rapidly
spreading stories among a contingent of Roman guards), an
investigation was begun and the report proven to be true.
The tomb was reportedly owned by a Jewish leader from
nearby Arimathea who had sympathies with the cause supported
by Jesus.
The crucified body of the zealot was placed in the tomb before
sundown on the day after the Passover feast.
Because of the unusual notoriety of this Jesus, Pilate ordered a
guard team to be set at the front of the tomb. This squad took
their place on watch as soon as the tomb was sealed; the tomb
remained under guard from Friday through Sunday morning.
remembered thinking was.
‘why would the authorities
take away his body and leave
the wrappings?’” (Once re-
moved from the cross, the
body of Jesus was tightly
bound in a burial shroud and
facecloth, both of which were
left behind in the tomb).
Sometime shortly after day-
break, visitors to the tomb,
coming to request that the
stone be rolled away so that
the body could be anointed
with traditional preserving
oils (which could not have
been administered on the
Sabbath), discovered that the
entry seal had already been set
aside and the body of Jesus In an obvious state of shock
had been removed. The
guards assigned to that
morning’s duty could not be
reached for comment by press
time.
Mary Magdalene was a
follower of Jesus and one of
those who first discovered the
open tomb. “I know it sounds
funny, “ said Mary, “ but
once I looked into the empty
tomb, one of the first things I
and hallucination, Mary
Magdalene reported seeing and
speaking with a “risen” Jesus at
the site of the tomb. Unfortu-
- nately, such mindlessness voids
any other recollection she
could make of this discovery.
Roman authorities strongly
disavow any strategy on their
part to remove the body, citing
that the uproar that placed
Jesus into the grave would
greatly be magnified by any
action that implied that some-
thing supernatural had hap-
pened to the body.
“We have done all we can to
keep peace with the Hebrews;
we would certainly not make
any move to further inflame
their antagonism during their
Holy season,” stated a Roman
government spokesman.
Jesus had been crucified
Friday under penalty resulting
from rather obscure charges
made by Temple authorities
and accepted by Roman rule.
Governing Procurator
Pontious Pilate, whose visit
with the city corresponded
with the Holy season of
Passover, handed the final
sentencing of crucifixion as a
result of the overwhelming
alignment of Jewish leadership
against the one whom King
Herod mockingly christened
“King of the Jews”.
An official statement is forth-
coming from the Procurator’s
Palace; however, a spokesman
for Governor Pilate has stated
that an extensive search for the
body of Jesus has already
begun and is expected to be
successful by the end of the
day. “With the crowds we have
in Jerusalem this Passover
season,” the news release reads,
“it is virtually impossible for a
handful of men to carry a body
into hiding without being
noticed. Recovery of the body
will not go unrewarded — and
the theft of the body will not
go unpunished.”
Centurion Faces
Disciplinary Action
A trusted Roman Centurion appears destined to face maximum
military penalties for failure in duty as a result of the disap-
pearance of the body of Jesus of Nazareth. 1
Ironically, in‘many ways Centurion Eecha Vus was responsible
for the crucifixion of Jesus. Throughout the Passover week he
roamed the streets with a select squad of soldiers managing the
“troublesome herd” of Hebrews crowding the city. An appoin-.
tee of King Herod, Centurion Vus and his men were familiar to
Jerusalem natives who grew to ignore his frequent proddings.
“I needed a diversion... and
going after that Jewish trouble-
maker fit me just fine.” stated
the Centurion. However, just
two days after Eecha Vus nailed
Jesus to the cross, the Centurion
is facing charges of losing the
body he put to death.
“I saw the Hebrews put the body
into the tomb; I saw my men
close the entrance with the stone;
I posted my men on watch. I was as surprised as anyone to
return to the tomb this morning and find it open and empty.
And not only that...” the Centurion suddenly grew silent, as if
trying to be very careful not to misspeak.
When reminded that the penalty of a prisoner escaping his cell
is usually death to the guard in charge, the Centurion had the
beginnings of a curious grin as he nodded in agreement, adding,
“Yes, that is the penalty for a jail-break. But as far as I know,
there has never been established a penalty for a tomb-break.”
Centurian Eecha Vus
INSIDE today’s Jerusalem Herald:
Editorials / Letters to the Editor ........ A 2-A
Last Friday’s Freaky Weather! The Full Report ....... Ld LAINE 16-A
The Earthquake Review: More Awe than Awful .............ccccc......... 1-B
Money Changers Reinstall Temple Kiosks ........ccccceceeeiuirennennnee. 2-B
Gladiators Seek New Victims to Enliven Sport ..........ccccceeeeeeeenn. 1-C
Opinion: Olympics...Will this Sports Fad Last? .........c.ccecevveuennenen. 2-C
Cultures Collide: Hebrew Teens Trade Robes for Togas ............. 1-D