Father-Child Bond
Can Be Strengthened
Many people feel disappointed
after they spend time with relatives
over the holidays. If you're not as
close to your father as you'd like to
be, there is something that can be
done about it.
“Even if you have never been
close, it may be possible to close the
gap,” says Dr. Leo Hawkins, exten
sion human development spe
cialist, North Carolina State
University.
Some fathers are distant because
they have never really grown up.
Such a man cannot show sincere af
fection to his children, can't take
apodal time for them or give up
eomo of his own pursuits in order to
help them grow.
There are also other men who
turn off open shows of affection as
their children grow. Often hard
working and responsible, they have
aimply been taught that open affec
tion is not appropriate for a pre-teen
or teenager. They think earning a
good living is an appropriate way to
show their children they love them.
Children, wives and friends can
help the father who is emotionally
distant. First, try hard to under
stand why a parent is the way he is.
Merely stopping to consider a
father’s life history can often
remove the anger that blocks a con
versation. i
Second, «ettle the issue of de
pendence and independence. When
a father treats a young adult as a
child, the child needs to face him
with the behavior. One good way to
do this is to point out that the father
is losing a child but gainings friend.
Finally, start talking. A child
can ask him how he feels about his
parents, politics, religion and other
important matters. Keep pointing
out that you two need to be friends.
Don't criticize, laugh at, pity,
compete or tolerate a father's incon
siderateness, the extension
specialist recommends. Use humor
and various levels of confrontation,
such as saying, “I have to think and
act as I see best, whether you agree
or not.” Also remember that you
can ignore advice.
Even if a father is an older adult
and in declining health, it is not too
late. Spend a minimum of time
regretting the warmth and close
ness that has been missed by both
father and child.
Remember, one of the best ways
for the young adult parent to assure
closeness with her nr his children is
to break some barriers, establish
communication and be a close
friend to an aging parent, Dr. Haw
kins says
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