Page 8
The Clarion | Dec. 14, 2007
Costner —
Kevin Costner Crap-o-rific event of the week
AMC's 'Kevin Costner: American Icon'
By Aaron Palmer & Joseph
Chilton
Costerologists
AMC should really just
change its name to American
Movies. Or maybe The Movies
That HBO Didn’t Want. Or
maybe We Hope The One Old
Guy Who Watches Our
Chaimel is Too Lazy To Change
The Channel Because What
We Show is So Awful.
Okay, so maybe
WE^laDGVV\^031IIClCBVVWSB\
is a little bit too long of an
acronym, but you get the point.
The chaimel has been going
downhill for years, but this
week they hit an all-time low
when they began showing
their “American Icon: Kevin
Costnef ’ mini-marathon.
All month long, people who
are not too busy with their
families during the holidays can
tune in to AMC in order to catch
multiple showings of
Waterworld, Open Range, and
Bull Durham. This works out
perfectly, because the type of
person who would want to
spend their December
watching hours upon hours of
these supposed classics is
undoubtedly the same type of
person who is alone for the
holidays.
If your Christmas feast is
made up from food rescued from
not-quite-empty containers in
your trash, this marathon is for
you. If you are a sensible, well-
adjusted person, however we
hope that you spend your
Christmas watching the real
classics, like Ernest Saves
Christmas.
AMC is advertising the event
by saying that, “throughout
his career, Costner epitomized
America’s idea of the
upstanding Average Joe.” It’s
a shame to say that after seeing
this, all that one of the writers
of this column wants for
Christmas is a new first name.
Since this is the season of
giving, we at The Clarion have
decided to give you the choice
as to who next semester’s
“Crap-o-Riffic” column will
center on. Please e-mail your
ideas to Clarion@brevard.edu
Suggestions:
Cuba Gooding, Jr.- How
could the man who once
yelled “Show me the Money”
now be yelling “Show me the
bit part in a two-star movie!”
Billy Bob Thorton- How
many times can you play an
irresponsible drunk?
Tom Hanks- Tom Hanks
asked the world, “Will you
watch the worst book ever
written?” Luckily the world
screamed back a resounding
“NO!”
Nicole Kidman- Go ahead, try
and name two of her movies.
If you can we’ll give you a
book by L. Ron Hubbard.
Morgan Freeman- If you’ve
been in every movie ever
made, then by the laws of
probability you will have
made some bad ones.
Pi^ tjQVi 'k.nawf
Kevin Costner
graduated from
college. As hard
as it is to believe
it is true.
Apparently he
made it through
by collectying 48
hours of art
credits posing as
an emotionless
still life model.
Sraduating (Maybjz) tiottijz Spotlight
Name: John Billingsley (aka Tex)
Age: Fm not telling, but here’s a
hint: I voted for Ross Perot. Twice.
Favorite Movie: Anything with a
lotta killin’.
Favorite Music: Bluegrass, Texas
Alt-Country, Southern Gospel,
Southern Rock, and “Buy You a
Drank.”
Favorite Food: Grilled Cheese
Career Ambition: To one day
become known as simply “Tex,
Texas Ranger.”