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THE LAST FRONTIER
The Clarion \ Oct. 30, 2009
Horoscopes
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theme music here)
Aries- You will finally quit drinking
after you wake up the morning after
a drunken game of dare culminates
with you defecting to North Korea
Lucky state of mind- Shwasted
Taurus- Suddenly, wearing a kevlar
vest around downtown Brevard won’t
be taboo
Lucky number- 187
Gemini- Do not drink the Kool-Aid at
Jim Jones’ halloween party
Unlucky ingredient- See if you can
guess!!!
Cancer- All of a sudden, you won’t
feel so edgy being stereotyped as a
Goth when a local church destroys
more religious literature than you and
your friends do on Halloween.
Lucky attire- Polos and Khakis
Leo- You will be offered a job to
become Coolio’s body guard. Accept
it.
Lucky abode- Gangsta’s Paradise
Virgo- You’re about as cool as
Hannah Montana. We’re sorry.
Lucky color- Off-White
Libra- The stars recognize that there
are two types of people in this world-
you and the type of person who is
lucky enough to not be involved in a
meth-fiaeled knife-fight
Lucky color- Crystal
Scorpio- Your escapades behind the
wheel this week will bring whole new
meaning to the term “flash drive”
Lucky item to show off- The Goods
Sagittarius-You will be victorious in
a battle for the ages, and following
battle will feast on the flesh of your
mortal enemy. Luckily for you, your
mortal enemy is a comish game hen.
Lucky weapon- Blunt object
Capricorn- You will seek solace in
Right Said Fred’s assertion that your
overpowering sexiness explains your
lack of any clothing, and not your
gambling addiction
Lucky color- Pale
Aquarius- Relax knowing that the
CIA’s mind control lasers only work
on people who have something to
contribute to society
Lucky mental state- Clueless
Pisces- People will understand less
of what you say than they would the
combination of Ozzy Osbourne’s
speech patterns and Beck’s
vernacular.
Lucky mantra- asdkljasldjad
American Hero
Question: What’s more American than the wild, wild west? (And I’m not
talking about the movie.) Answer: This week’s American Hero; the Dallas
Police Department. The DPD really took the American-ness up a notch,
even for the wild wild west. Last week, following an illegal U-tum, a
Dallas woman was pulled over and ticketed for 3 offenses- Disregarding
a traffic control device, failure to present a license... and “being a non-
English speaking driver.” Even more heinous was the DPD’s admission
of having ticketed some 39 drivers over the past several years for the
same offense. Further, this offense is actually a punishable crime. For
being a non-English speaking driver in Dallas, you could get fined over
$200. Fortunately for those who have already been ticketed and paid their
dues to society, once the story broke, the Dallas Police refunded the fines, and to all those who had
been ticketed but had not been before a judge, the charge was dropped. Editor’s note: This is not an
actual Dallas city law, however it has been enforced as though it were. Therefore, for going above and
beyond the call of duty, going above and beyond the law, and doing everything you can to ensure that
the melting pot of cultures in America stays as English as shepherd’s pie, we salute you, Dallas Police
Department!
POLICK