Cougar Cry
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Econo Guide to Valentines Day
By: Mark Shumate
First off, being a college student unfortunately
means being broke. That is where I come in to help out
with these great holiday money saving tips. Let's start
with the most expensive part of Valentine's Day: a dozen
roses. No problem: simply do not order the flowers and
act surprised when she does not receive any. For added
effect, call up a friend under the guise of calling the flo
rist and let him have a good cursing about the non
delivery of flowers. If he is indeed a friend and of aver
age intelligence, he will pick up fast and the two of you
will share a good laugh about it later. At least this will put
it right with your significant other. She will think, "How
sweet. He didn’t forget. Too bad the florist screwed up."
Now don’t be a total cheapskate. Go out the next day
and have two dozen flowers delivered to her. This will
cost about one tenth of the Valentine’s Day price.
Now for the dinner. Practical thinking and good skills of
persuasion will enable you to talk your significant other
into celebrating Valentine's Day a little later in the week
so as to avoid the long lines, waits, and the tempers that
flare under these conditions in the restaurants and other
places you may choose to go. There is always some jerk
telling someone else off because he had to wait in line or
for his food. Now with the delayed date of celebration
you can only buy one gift for the actual Valentine's Day.
The rest can be bought the day after Valentine's at 50%
off or more for the delayed celebration date. This means
one of two things: 1. You can buy her twice the stuff for
less money. 2. Buy her the same amount of stuff like I
would and pocket the savings. Now to a more serious
side of the evening delayed or not. Do not forget the
condoms. STD's do not stop spreading even for this
wonderful day of love. When going swimming, always
get permission first, swim with a buddy, swim only in
designated swimming areas, and always wear the
proper swimming gear. Remember that today's waters
have more pollutants and toxins than Mike Tyson has
personality defects.
Top 10 phrases men shouldn’t say to their date on
Valentine's Day:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
8.
9.
10
“And for dinner I've got us reservations at Hooters."
(at the end of the date) '‘Darn, I forgot, my parents
have already activated the alarm system. Can I
sleep at your house tonight.”
“Guess what? The Man's Show’ showed me how to
make birth control chocolate."
“Oops! You got some spaghetti sauce on your skirt.
Let me get that.”
“It’s a good thing I’m wearing my lucky boxers.”
“No that wasn't my ex-girlfriend, that was my
umm.. .cousin.”
“Gee, what a coincidence that the car ran out of gas
in front of this hotel.”
“No, the Lamborghini isn’t my car. Mine's the old...
Well, yea, yea, the Lamborghini is mine. Wanna go
for a ride?"
“Dang, your sister is hot!”
(when double dating) “Oops! It's midnight. Time to
switch dates."
By: Kyle Godwin
Ode to the Lonely
By: Lacie Lyon
My memories of you go by like rows of butterflies on
crutches.
We were the blind desperately unbuttoning the blind, lost
in the blur of the forbidden.
Until your voice, like the shock of cold water, ripped my
heart out
and beat it like a stray dog, into your front porch.
Suddenly, my life was invaded by a drunken synchro-
nized-swim team of emotions...
As the book of my soul began to fill with coffee rings.
Now I know that my life is a only metaphor, for some
thing infinitely worse -
But your cruelty can never keep its freshness.
One day, your beauty too, will be gone like lost socks
from a dryer.
To: Mathew Lowder
The sun goes around, A life of love
Wont you give me your delicate touch
You are the one that I adore
Please give me a chance and so much
more
I'll give you the moon
I'll give you the stars
I'll give it all, for a valentines kiss