Newspapers / The Guilfordian (Greensboro, N.C.) / April 1, 1981, edition 1 / Page 3
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Squirrel skirmishes: Tra,h st^ icUon il^J PULL and "another one bites the dust/' in this, the latest of Guilford's intramural competitions - Indoor squirrel Skeets. Make your reservations at the gym. 1 tBM&£ •: *i ' ' ■' •- ■ • •'. V*• ~. " ■ > !*■ ' *• * ' v fTv ' >,A. ._ w o V>.-v '""""i".. ' V*\ v " Squirrel attacks are not limited to humans. Here, a battle-frenzied squirrel squad forces a running dog to turn tail and flee. Vicious squirrel attacks continue continued from page 1 fighting are a hardy lot. Most are "American Reds," native rodents with extensive com munist support who believe in their fight and who often battle to the death. Using acorns, twigs, teeth and other instru ments of destruction, they have continually confounded main tenence workers armed with guns, knives, cattle prods and lawnmowers. Joining these ruddy ground troops are two divisions of local flying squirrels. These tribes have proved the most success ful, due to their members' ability to completely surprise unsuspecting victims and push back attacking enemies. Their arsenal includes some chemical weaponry, useful in blinding and otherwise incapacitating victims. Along with these dedicated natives, a growing contingent of foreign mercenary squirrels, like those I worked with, expect and receive substantial pay ment in nuts for their services. These ranks include numbers of Angolan Giant squirrels and the feared Vietnamese Long-clawed Cround squirrels. With the resounding success of the "Night of the Long Tails," native squirrels of the "Nat Greene Memorial Ground Division" have established themselves as the most power ful tribe in the current conflict. Under the rapidly strengthen ing leadership of their Genera lissimo Puffball Tamiasciurini, all tribes of gurrilla squirrels have enjoyed greater organiza tion and have presented a stronger front. Basic tendencies of instability remain, however, and several important squirrel leaders are still hoping to take power. They include Gaptain Snootie of the Greater Greensboro Ground Squirrel Liberation Organiza tion (GGGSLO), the most radi cal of the tribes, and the 2nd Airbourne Division's leader, Lt. Smokey Horsfield, from Suma tra. A typical squirrel-human con frontation is a precision opera- HALTJ - Mw, A library staff member is quick to respond as an Angolan giant Squirrel tries to borrow a book without his I.D. The squirrel was later to remark, "Boy, are they strict!" The clever critters see through another squirrel blind, and hostage 53 joins the club. tion coordination various di visions in simultaneous attack, generally directed on lone, drunk coeds in the early even ings Sniper-squirrels in trees pelt the hapless victim with acorns, nuts, and bits of bark while swooping flying squirrels hit the target in the head with their tails and ground squirrels trip her The operation ends with the squirrels incapacitating the vic tim and dragging her to one of the many secret burrows dug on the campus. Camp Switchblade offers adventures Camp Switchblade: Looking for a savage journey into the heart of darkness? Camp Switchblade offers job openings in its South_ Bronx camp. Switchblade abandons its campers in the wilds of the South Bronx with only an ax, a Bic lighter, and a rolled up newspaper An excellent opportunity to work with "young" boys and girls ages 7-16, as well as pimps, junkies, and dangerous squirrels. For further information, visit the table in Founders, April 31, Ift-1? am Demands for the release of the hostages usually are found, scrawled on blackboards in classrooms left with open win dows. Hostages themselves are rarely mistreated, except ver bally; insults such as "Bruns wick Stew Eater!", "You're chock full o' nuts!" and "Hug a nut" being common. When will hostilities end? My personal perception indicates that the end may never come. For most squirrels, the old saying "I'll never stop until you pry my acorn out of my stiff, lifeless "paws" is all too trnp Guilfradulent. April 1. 1981 Looking for losers ★ ★ ★ Once again the Drano Scho larship Committee must begin evaluation of nominees for Drano Scholarships for next year. Drano Scholarships must meet the following criteria: 1. A cumulative average that decreases when it is squared. 2. Qualities of apathy with college and/or community ac tivities demonstrated in such ways as: a. exceptional academic per formance; b effective non-participation in campus government; c. effective non-performance in college committees and or ganizations; d visible body lint and/or dust. Nominations should be sub mitted to Simon Zealotus be tween 1100 am and 12:00 am Sunday. A scholarship to clear the way for all those students who are going down the tubes. Page 3
The Guilfordian (Greensboro, N.C.)
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April 1, 1981, edition 1
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