Newspapers / The Guilfordian (Greensboro, N.C.) / April 1, 1998, edition 1 / Page 2
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2 Z he Week a This space Intentionally left blank as a protest against not being able to have a Guilford Prom EVERY SINGLE WEEK! We want our duly elected Community Senate to spent AT LEAST ONE HOUR PER WEEK contemplating how to give us super-fun events such as this each and every week of the year!!! Screw restructuring!!! How much does an ice sculpture cost anyway*?! Let's hear ya: "We want prom, we want prom...!'' THE GOOFORDI AN! This space paid for by the Molly Martin/Jenn Wingo Committee for Excla mation Points to Take Over the World! Guilford to become culinary school ♦All academic programs will be cut as the school brings in 3 master chefs BY DAN POTEET Former Guilford Hatchet-man Not everyone needs to know history and science. But everyone needs to know how to cook! That is the idea behind Don McNemar's idea to settle the re structuring controversies by dropping Guilford's current curriculum entirely and turning Guilford into a culinary school. The school plans to cut all of the current faculty in order to bring in 3 master chefs. All academic and non-food-re lated classes will be taught by Greens boro area high school teachers. "We need to be a school that can be competitive with other schools," said President Don McNemar. "Schools all over the country are making these changes. We are launching Guilford into the 20th cen tury." The administration wants to as sure students that they will be able to continue the programs in which they are currently involved. "We have made a commitment to the students at this school, and we will honor that commitment," said McNemar. "All of the current his tory majors, and art majors, and En glish majors...they can continue their studies while learning to cook!" Many Guilford students are happy about the changes: * "Woo-hoo!" said one first-year student. "Now I don't have to take a year of foreign language!" Sentiments along those lines are being echoed across campus. "I didn't like all of the stuff that I was having to learn here," said one jun ior. "Who reads books or studies art anymore? History's over, why do we need to talk about it? Food is the one thing that we all need. I'm glad that this school finally decided to wake up and teach us something use ful." One of the major driving forces behind the conversion was the agony Guilford students experienced hav ing to eat in a cafeteria. Now, stu dents will be able to cook themselves gourmet meals three times a day...in class! "I think this is the best decision Guilford ever made," said a sopho more. "My stomach hasn't been full since they took the snack machine out of Binford." News Indigo Girls cancellation causes I Hobbits to riot Madness, mayhem, and meatless tacos. That was the scene last Tuesday in front of Mary Hobbs Hall. Screaming could be heard from as far away as Harpers Exotic Carwash and Gentleman's Club as Hobbs residents, affectionately known as "Hobbits," reacted to the cancellation of an on-campus appearance by the Indigo Girls. The shocking news of the cancellation was too much for many Hobbs residents, who began threatening to shave in the face of the news. Once this initial hysteria subsided, the Hobbits resorted to a classic: the riot. According to Hobbs resident Ryan Bek, rioting was the only way that the Hobbits felt they could get their point across. "If we riot, they will cone," said Bek, a long-time supporter of riots and riot gear. Hall Director Hope Donkin agreed. "Sometimes you just need to knock some heads," said Donkin. 'We were promised the Indigo Girls and we want them now." The Bek Massacre, as the Hobbs not is now being called, left the areas surrounding Mary Hobbs Hall littered with title bodies of emotionally dead Hobbits. The few who remained untouched by the grand-scale violence, mostly Michael Bolton fens, sorted through the Hobbit car casses in search of smart cards in the hopes of picking up a few extra "McNeely Specials" in the cafeteria. According to the President of the Guil ford College Chapter of the Indigo Girls Fan BY MARVIN VAUGHN COOLEY Ccmpus tTee-tabeter The Goofordian weekly strives to print personally damaging inaccuracies about the people who we personally dislike. Don't tell us about our mistakes. They are intentional. We would prefer it if none of you read our paper anyway, seeing that most of you are too ignorant to understand us. If your paper isn't in your box, we don't like you and we do not want you to have one. Club, Andy Ahcarru the popular female duo canceled their Guilford appearance because Guilford students have been misbehaving. "We are being punished," said Aheam who has since vowed to give up leather in the Will wanted to caption this picture, but we didn't let him. Be thankful. PHOTO BY JOHN GILCHRIST hopes that he may soon bask in the glow of salvation. In an official statement released by the Indigo Girls, they apologized for the Hobbit death toll and made an attempt to explain their actions. "We're sorry that these gnome-like creatures were wounded but we don't feel that we can perform at a school that allows men to enroll. What is a Hobbit anyway? Wait, don't say that part. Oh, who cares? Print whatever you want. Oh, and could you play me scane Skynyid?" As the hole left by the Indigo Girls' can cellation goes unfilled and the stench of rotting meatless tacos grows ever stronger in Mary Hobbs Hall, no one else at Guilford seems to care, or even notice. However, due to fascination with the fantastically exciting Pram, this was to be ex pected. ' - • ■ ' • •- The Goofordian April 1,1998
The Guilfordian (Greensboro, N.C.)
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April 1, 1998, edition 1
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