Newspapers / The Guilfordian (Greensboro, N.C.) / March 29, 2013, edition 1 / Page 13
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FEATURES MARCH 29, 2013 Guilford purchases therapeutic6^P^^1P^ for campus BY CHLOE LINDEMAN Staff Writer There's nothing like snuggling with something fuzzy in times of stress. Now, Guilford has taken that to a new level. In addition to dog therapy, the College has decided to purchase a troop of nine spider monkeys for the sanity of the students. "This is really an incredible opportunity for Guilford students to experience biodiversity without even leaving the campus," said President and Professor of Political Science Kent Chabotar while eating a Pop-Tart. The quaint creatures will live in Guilford's natural tree canopy year round. They were purchased at half- price from an agency that the College has declined to name. Chabotar would only say that details were released on a need-to- know basis. "This was such a bargain that we just couldn't turn it down," said Max Carter, director of the ZOMBIES Friends Center and campus ministry coordinator. "After all of the fish tank brouhaha, we knew it was important to show students that Guilford is using its money wisely. "What could be more beneficial than spider monkeys? And at half price, no less." Rumors have been circulating that Guilford only made the purchase because Elon University bought a crate of angora rabbits to release around the campus. "Is this a game to you?" Chabotar told The Guilfordian. "We have to outdo those freaking posers, but you didn't hear that from me." Regardless of the reasons behind the administration's actions, students couldn't be more excited. "They're so adorable," said Guilford quarterback Matt Pawlowski. "I can't wait to get my hands on one, and as for catching them? Trying not to fall out of trees will be half the fun." To ensure the monkeys have everything they need to thrive at Guilford, the college hired Professor of Physics and Academic Advising Director Steven Shapiro. Shapiro moonlights at the North Carolina Zoo in Asheboro, NC under the assumed name 'Benny.' "There is nothing to stop spider monkeys from thriving here except the inappropriate climate, lack of food and incompatible habitat," said Shapiro. "I'm sure that putting out some fruit and nuts for them will be enough to ensure their survival." Shapiro's terms for advising Guilford were that students not call him by his alias and that he be the one to put out the fruit. "Call me fruit bowl, just don't call me Benny," said Shapiro. There have been a couple of calls from parents about the danger of students contracting malaria from the monkeys, but Lynn Moseley, Dana professor of Biology, issued a statement assuring parents that there was little to no risk. "The chances of a student getting bitten are very slim," Moseley said while petting Frodo, one of the monkeys. "Besides, malaria's not so bad. It's yellow fever you really have to worry about. "Remember, we place the spider monkeys. We don't throw them. This will keep them happy." When Carter heard about the complaints, he spit his tea across the coffee table in surprise. "Hold me back, hold me back," he said while punching his imagined foe. "They should be grateful for everything I went through to maintain the testimony of equality. "Every student should have the opportunity to be stress free, and this is the ultimate solution." Continue from Page I Until now, only two courses were offered: one to first-years, the other to seniors. She avoided making a big deal about them for fear of being thought of as crazy and losing her job. "Zombies are very real and pose a grave threat to the people on this campus, which is why my classes are so critical," said Hayton. "You can call me loony, just don't call me unprepared." Unfortunately, many in school think the threat of a zombie attack is just a myth. "That last 'attack' was just a bunch of students goofing around," said Dean of Students Aaron Fetrow. "Zombies will not attack Guilford, preparedness courses are just ridiculous." However, Hayton and students think otherwise. "I'm really afraid of a zombie attack," said first-year Josh Parnell. "I don't know how to handle it. My parents back home are freaking out that I'll get eaten. The classes should calm our fears." In response to the threat of zombie attack, Hayton's students prepared a survival guide. Included are the types of zombies and how to defeat them. Graduated class members told The Guilfordian exactly what current students need to survive. "You need to understand what you're dealing with," said Zac Hummel '12. "There are different types of zombies and each has a different method of turning humans into one of them." The guide focuses on how to defeat them. "The most critical element is destroying the zombie's head," said Amy Myers '12. "You can cut off an arm, slash them with a sword and they won't stop coming at you. Get the head and they're no longer a threat." According to the guide, the most effective method for successfully eliminating a zombie head is to carefully aim at it with a gun, a bat, a sword or anything that's handy. "I don't think we need so many complicated, involved methods for stopping zombies," said sophomore Liliya Marshall. "I think you should just throw rocks or something at them and then run like Usain Bolt." The guide also lists spots on campus that are safe from zombies, which includes Founders Hall and Dana Auditorium. The Center for Disease Control also wants citizens to be ready for the wave of the undead and prepared a list of recommendations for surviving the onslaught. Suggestions include having an emergency kit with food, water, clothing and small tools. Another is locating people to be allies during attacks and preparing an evacuation route. The zombie apocalypse will be frightening and will test the resolve of everyone on campus. But with Heather Hayton's preparedness courses, we'll be ready. Are you kidding me? Kids on campus? BY CHRISTIANNA VAN DALSEN Staff Wwiw Look out below. Tiny toddlers taking tests: terrifying or terrific? How young is too young? Guilford College, the Early College and Guilford County schools came to an agreement during the beginning of last semester that the Early College at Guilford should extend its positive benefits to bright young students of all ages. The Really, Really Early College at Guilford, or RRECG, program gives students of any age the opportunity to participate in college classes. "I think it's very important not to deprive a child of an opportunity for greater learning based on their age," said Jessica Jenkins, branch head of the RRECG. "Their incapability to walk or eat solid foods should be accommodated for. Ultimately, if they can do the work, they should be allowed to learn." These students have the opportunity to quadruple major and receive up to 20 credit hours a semester if they wish. "I haven't had any trouble keeping up with my studies," said seven-year-old RRECG student Rebecca Barlow, quadruple Mathematics, Physics, Chemistry and Economics major. "Advanced forensic investigations. Policy Formulation and Strategy, Inorganic and Materials Chemistry, Algebraic Structures, Mathematical Physics, and Child/Adolescent Psychopathology are all child's play." "Our success in school was a fait accompli our fastidious parents comprehended from our very birth, so why waste time?" said 3-year-old RRECG student Robin Goodwin. "While we RRECG students preserve a sense of equanimity, the inane college and early college students' always make impudent remarks. Their prattling drivel always leaves me with unbearable ennui. "You can call me prepubescent, just don't call me sophomoric." However, the Guilford traditional, CCE and Early College students aren't fond of the students in return, especially aggravated by the plans to transform Guilford's Rugby Pitch into a playground restricted solely for RRECG students. "Recess is a necessity," said Jessie Pitta, head of the premature juvenile schooling educational program at Han-Smith University in Harlem to The Guilfordian. "It allows children to explore and learn in ways that enrich their cognitive development." The college is developing the playground using funding initially intended to reconstruct the dorms with hot tubs, create a karaoke bar in The Grill and open a nature reserve to house the recently discovered Japanese Dwarf Flying Squirrels transported to Guilford by Japanese exchange student and sophomore Totoro Ototo. "I can't believe we're going to lose the rugby pitch," said Rugby Team Captain and junior Joshua McKnight. "Especially since they've already child-proofed the gym. You can't really do anything now." The cafeteria will be altering its menu to accommodate some of the students' premature palates, including juice boxes, gold fish, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and pudding cups. However, most of the Guilford students haven't complained about this new addition. "I think that's where we really come together," said senior Guilford student Kyle Privali. "We're all kids at heart. We all love pudding. We all enjoy naps. When you really think about it, the only thing that separates us from them is about 3 feet in height." "They're really, really short," said Early College junior Dylan Caskie.
The Guilfordian (Greensboro, N.C.)
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