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Serving all mankind breakfast in bed since this morning
April Fools' Day, March 32, 1S37
Chapel Hill, North Carolina
Volume 2,456, Issue 1
Fashion Crisis Hotline 666-HAGS
By LILO. MEE
In a development that has shocked
the entire sports world, it was
announced Tuesday that North
Carolina basketball coach Dean
Smith is stepping down from his
post. It was also made public that
North Carolina State women's coach
Kay Yow would fill the Tar Heel
Athletic Director John Swofford,
reading from a prepared statement,
said, "This is a prepared statement."
Swofford continued by enumerat
ing the reasons which Smith gave
him for leaving UNC. Top on the
list was the fact that Smith couldn't
afford to keep paying the heating
bills at the 22,000-seat Dean E.
"That's an awful big building, you
know," Swofford said. "And you
know how warm and toasty Dean
likes to keep it. That costs a lot of
But the reason most responsible
for Smith's resignation, Swofford
said, was continued pressure on
Smith from C. Everette Mills.
"That Mills character really got to
Dean," Swofford said. "Mills can be
a real tough cookie and his sarcasm
could bite through the U.S.S. North
Carolina. I don't blame Dean for
being upset. I would have wilted
At the end of the press conference,
Swofford said that Smith's job had
been offered to Yow, who coached
the U.S. women's team to the World
Championship title last summer, and
that Yow accepted on the condition
that she gets to change the name of
. the Smith Center to Kay's Place.
Asked if she would make any
fundamental changes in the Tar Heel
system, Yow said, "Oh dear, 1 really
haven't had a chance to think about
that. Well, maybe 111 make those
uniform pants a little tighter. 1 do
like buns, you know."
N.C. State athletic director Jim
Valvano said he had mixed feelings
about Yow leaving the Wolfpack
family. "Of course I hate to see her
go," Valvano said. "She made one
darn good pot of java, no question
"Oh, but what an opportunity she
has! I'm sure shell be a fine addition
to the ACC. We haven't had a real
woman coach in this league since Bill
Foster left Clemson, no question
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wedding day. This precious occasion, to which special. For hints, please see Page 25.
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By POLLY SIGH
Following the lead of North
Carolina's newest Sen. Margaret
Rose Sanford, D-N.C, Dottie
Helms stormed the office of Sen.
Jesse Helms, R-N.C, late Tuesday
night, demanding that he allow her
to put new curtains in her kitchen
and that he sponsor legislation to
outlaw wearing white after Labor
Margaret Rose recently deposed
her husband, former Sen. Terry
Sanford, D-N.C, after he told her
he did not like her tuna casserole.
After Jesse refused to grant her
requests, Dottie locked him in a
closet with has-been Sen. Gary Hart
of Colorado, and seized the office.
Several hours after the coup, these
two brilliant political strategists were
released from the closet and separ
ated. Both men have been sent to
Dorothea Dix hospital, where they
are learning to do rug-hook.
Dottie and Margaret Rose met
behind closed doors today in Dottie's
Washington office. Sources say they
discussed what to wear to the
afternoon session of Congress.
After spending an hour shopping
in Georgetown, the ladies took their
packages to the Senate where they
were seated on opposite sides of the
"1 can't understand why they did
that," Margaret Rose said. "Why, we
always sit together for tea . . oh,
what party am I in again? 1 can never
remember a party unless they have
good champagne and a five-piece
Tea, however, became the first
divisive issue of the day.
A bill to institute a 4 p.m. tea break
in the Senate, introduced by wizened
and prehistoric Sen. Lawton Chiles,
D-Fla., who insists it. makes him
more "regular," sparked debate split
along party lines.
Margaret Rose insisted that alter
nating crumpets and finger sand
wiches with the tea would be the
most civilized option for the
However, Dottie opposed
crumpets adamantly, saying, "We
must all pledge to buy American.
Crumpets are not American. First
it's crumpets then the next thing you
know we're importing jam. Think of
all the American jam farmers out of
work. I think it's a crime against the
nation to have crumpets."
The resolution for tea was soon
tabled by presidential wanna-be and
dynamic speaker Sen. Joe Biden, D
Del., after it became obvious no bi
partisan compromise would be
"Since it has become obvious no
bi-partisan compromise will be
immediately reached, I move we
table this resolution," Biden said.
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By ROSIE CHEEKS
The Supreme Court's latest ruling
to place women in more jobs has
caused pandemonium among Uni
versity administrators, who are
scrambling to prove that they do
their jobs as well as women could.
"Quite frankly, this latest devel
opment in the battle to preserve male
supremacy scares me," said one
University official who refused to be
identified. "I .mean, those broads are
taking over everywhere. My wife
won't even section my grapefruit for
me anymore. She thinks she's too
good for it. Do you know how much
that stuff burns when you squirt it
in your eyes? It hurts . . ."
The UNC-system Board of Gov
ernors has voted to oust all male
administrators, in a desperate
attempt to prove that they aren't
members of a recently exposed
national conspiracy designed to keep
women subservient and brainless.
UNC-system President CD.
Spangler and Chancellor Chris
topher Fordham are just two of the
UNC officials who will lose their jobs
because of the board's decision.
Spangler's replacement, Iranscam
sex queen Fawn Hall, said Tuesday
that she's excited about taking over
her new position. "I cant wait to get
new curtains in my office," she said.
"But my first action as president will
be to establish a new dress code for
those Board of Governors meetings.
Those pinstriped gray suits and
yellow ties have got to go. And black
dress socks, too yuck!"
Hall also said she wanted to
emphasize the importance of paper
shredding skills at all of the system's
16 universities. "I think the ability
to keep certain documents covert is
very, very vital to succeed in life,"
Hall said. "See what it did for me?"
She said her vast experience in
sorting through the intricate
bureaucracies of federal government
would make her a valuable asset to
the University system.
Talk show host Oprah Winfrey,
who has replaced Fordham as
chancellor, said she wants to liven
up board meetings by broadcasting
them on network television and
having callers phone in questions
She said her first omcial act as
chancellor would be to set up a
remote on South Lawn and hold a
panel discussion on the South
Building steps about the advisability
of using control-top panty hose as
a birth control device.
Jessica Hahn, the West Babylon,
N.Y., secretary who had a sexual
tryst with TV Bible-thumper Jim
Bakker under the intoxicating influ
ence of drugged blueberry Mad Dog
2020, has replaced Wayne Kuncl as
director of University housing. Hahn
said her first project in her new
position will be to donate historic .
Old East and Old West residence
halls to PTL ministries for use as
"The only way I can repent tor
my weakness of the flesh is to do
everything in my power to preserve
the television lifeblood of this
evangelical empire," Hahn said,
adjusting her black leather hip boots.
"Jim Bakker must be allowed to
inspire the students of this campus
by letting his word permeate every
Student reaction to the female
takeover was mixed. Sid Soloflex,
a senior industrial strength major
from Benchpress, said he disliked the.
idea of women ruling his life.
"Man, no chick tells me what to
do," Soloflex said, rolling up the
sleeve of his T-shirt to expose
rippling muscles. "I don't want to go
to a school run by stupid dames. I'd
rather have a man's job anyway, like
digging coal or mining salt."
But Millie Tante, a junior guerrilla
survival major from Managua,
Nicaragua, said she supports the new
regime. "Female dominance in the
administration is a move in the right
direction. This is just what the
movement needs to sweep not only
the campus, but the state, the nation
and the world.
"But now we need to figure out
a way to make men have the babies."
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"War Pigs" by
make wild dough
nuts with his
in the Bell Tower
claim to fame:
Donald A Boulton
and dean of
sparse but striking
"Your Love is Large" by
Billy Warden and
the Floating Children
water ski on
to do on a data: University Lake
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claim to fame:
to do on a date:
Herman Reid Jr.
UNC basketball standout
deep pools of warmth
"Top of the World"
by the Carpenters
picnic on egg salad
Y-8 juice in the SAC,
followed by a dunk drill
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Brian David Bailey
dyed to match
"You Give Love
a Bad Name" by Bon Jovit
play charades with
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the Delta Upsilon house
full name: Dale Thomas McKinley
claim to fame: anti-apartheid activist
hair: tousled to tease
eyes: piercing yet playful
favorite song: "These Boots Were
Made For Walkin' "
by Nancy Sinatra
favorita thing get cozy with
to do on a date: champagne and
shanty on South Lawn
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