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The daily Tar Heel. (Chapel Hill, N.C.) 1946-current, April 01, 1987, Page 1, Image 1

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ffymqfif T'lg"-""1 "wiiny "infill Don't mar your nails doing spring cleaning! Hiuh 77. Low 58. cDtJ(3i jGmae.ect(tofts fcoJd 'uWafie spoftts edftoft cSafms job (tatassment' Page 7 i 1 n) if-- y-iUf tiff i) r rl Summer fashions show Today at noon in the Pit s Copyright from hell Serving all mankind breakfast in bed since this morning April Fools' Day, March 32, 1S37 Chapel Hill, North Carolina Volume 2,456, Issue 1 EyesLipsNails 666-CHIC Fashion Crisis Hotline 666-HAGS 'pfiace' in lean's sdoes By LILO. MEE Sports Editor In a development that has shocked the entire sports world, it was announced Tuesday that North Carolina basketball coach Dean Smith is stepping down from his post. It was also made public that North Carolina State women's coach Kay Yow would fill the Tar Heel vacancy. Athletic Director John Swofford, reading from a prepared statement, said, "This is a prepared statement." Swofford continued by enumerat ing the reasons which Smith gave him for leaving UNC. Top on the list was the fact that Smith couldn't afford to keep paying the heating bills at the 22,000-seat Dean E. Smith Center. "That's an awful big building, you know," Swofford said. "And you know how warm and toasty Dean likes to keep it. That costs a lot of money." But the reason most responsible for Smith's resignation, Swofford said, was continued pressure on Smith from C. Everette Mills. "That Mills character really got to Dean," Swofford said. "Mills can be a real tough cookie and his sarcasm could bite through the U.S.S. North Carolina. I don't blame Dean for being upset. I would have wilted months ago." At the end of the press conference, Swofford said that Smith's job had been offered to Yow, who coached the U.S. women's team to the World Championship title last summer, and that Yow accepted on the condition that she gets to change the name of . the Smith Center to Kay's Place. Asked if she would make any fundamental changes in the Tar Heel system, Yow said, "Oh dear, 1 really haven't had a chance to think about that. Well, maybe 111 make those uniform pants a little tighter. 1 do like buns, you know." N.C. State athletic director Jim Valvano said he had mixed feelings about Yow leaving the Wolfpack family. "Of course I hate to see her go," Valvano said. "She made one darn good pot of java, no question about it. "Oh, but what an opportunity she has! I'm sure shell be a fine addition to the ACC. We haven't had a real woman coach in this league since Bill Foster left Clemson, no question about it." B , .v..'.sv.v.v :: - - s :: , . - - x - ' ' i r) i H4 A V, ' 11 4 A-'A J Cte ncountct DTHDan. Dan the photo man Every girl wants to look and feel her best on her her life has been directed, should be extra wedding day. This precious occasion, to which special. For hints, please see Page 25. Cotigtesstotia wives sfotm Senate session; emmpet battde tfoeatens fDofitticoG stobi&ty By POLLY SIGH Staff Writer Following the lead of North Carolina's newest Sen. Margaret Rose Sanford, D-N.C, Dottie Helms stormed the office of Sen. Jesse Helms, R-N.C, late Tuesday night, demanding that he allow her to put new curtains in her kitchen and that he sponsor legislation to outlaw wearing white after Labor Day. Margaret Rose recently deposed her husband, former Sen. Terry Sanford, D-N.C, after he told her he did not like her tuna casserole. After Jesse refused to grant her requests, Dottie locked him in a closet with has-been Sen. Gary Hart of Colorado, and seized the office. Several hours after the coup, these two brilliant political strategists were released from the closet and separ ated. Both men have been sent to Dorothea Dix hospital, where they are learning to do rug-hook. Dottie and Margaret Rose met behind closed doors today in Dottie's Washington office. Sources say they discussed what to wear to the afternoon session of Congress. After spending an hour shopping in Georgetown, the ladies took their packages to the Senate where they were seated on opposite sides of the room. "1 can't understand why they did that," Margaret Rose said. "Why, we always sit together for tea . . oh, what party am I in again? 1 can never remember a party unless they have good champagne and a five-piece band." Tea, however, became the first divisive issue of the day. A bill to institute a 4 p.m. tea break in the Senate, introduced by wizened and prehistoric Sen. Lawton Chiles, D-Fla., who insists it. makes him more "regular," sparked debate split along party lines. Margaret Rose insisted that alter nating crumpets and finger sand wiches with the tea would be the most civilized option for the senators. However, Dottie opposed crumpets adamantly, saying, "We must all pledge to buy American. Crumpets are not American. First it's crumpets then the next thing you know we're importing jam. Think of all the American jam farmers out of work. I think it's a crime against the nation to have crumpets." The resolution for tea was soon tabled by presidential wanna-be and dynamic speaker Sen. Joe Biden, D Del., after it became obvious no bi partisan compromise would be immediately reached. "Since it has become obvious no bi-partisan compromise will be immediately reached, I move we table this resolution," Biden said. w--. ' -v m v V' "Tt Jf 'dfof) dogs swm as ekefe dUo success fiadefet By ROSIE CHEEKS Staff Writer The Supreme Court's latest ruling to place women in more jobs has caused pandemonium among Uni versity administrators, who are scrambling to prove that they do their jobs as well as women could. "Quite frankly, this latest devel opment in the battle to preserve male supremacy scares me," said one University official who refused to be identified. "I .mean, those broads are taking over everywhere. My wife won't even section my grapefruit for me anymore. She thinks she's too good for it. Do you know how much that stuff burns when you squirt it in your eyes? It hurts . . ." The UNC-system Board of Gov ernors has voted to oust all male administrators, in a desperate attempt to prove that they aren't members of a recently exposed national conspiracy designed to keep women subservient and brainless. UNC-system President CD. Spangler and Chancellor Chris topher Fordham are just two of the UNC officials who will lose their jobs because of the board's decision. Spangler's replacement, Iranscam sex queen Fawn Hall, said Tuesday that she's excited about taking over her new position. "I cant wait to get new curtains in my office," she said. "But my first action as president will be to establish a new dress code for those Board of Governors meetings. Those pinstriped gray suits and yellow ties have got to go. And black dress socks, too yuck!" Hall also said she wanted to emphasize the importance of paper shredding skills at all of the system's 16 universities. "I think the ability to keep certain documents covert is very, very vital to succeed in life," Hall said. "See what it did for me?" She said her vast experience in sorting through the intricate bureaucracies of federal government would make her a valuable asset to the University system. Talk show host Oprah Winfrey, who has replaced Fordham as chancellor, said she wants to liven up board meetings by broadcasting them on network television and having callers phone in questions and gripes. She said her first omcial act as chancellor would be to set up a remote on South Lawn and hold a panel discussion on the South Building steps about the advisability of using control-top panty hose as a birth control device. Jessica Hahn, the West Babylon, N.Y., secretary who had a sexual tryst with TV Bible-thumper Jim Bakker under the intoxicating influ ence of drugged blueberry Mad Dog 2020, has replaced Wayne Kuncl as director of University housing. Hahn said her first project in her new position will be to donate historic . Old East and Old West residence halls to PTL ministries for use as broadcasting centers. "The only way I can repent tor my weakness of the flesh is to do everything in my power to preserve the television lifeblood of this evangelical empire," Hahn said, adjusting her black leather hip boots. "Jim Bakker must be allowed to inspire the students of this campus by letting his word permeate every comer." Student reaction to the female takeover was mixed. Sid Soloflex, a senior industrial strength major from Benchpress, said he disliked the. idea of women ruling his life. "Man, no chick tells me what to do," Soloflex said, rolling up the sleeve of his T-shirt to expose rippling muscles. "I don't want to go to a school run by stupid dames. I'd rather have a man's job anyway, like digging coal or mining salt." But Millie Tante, a junior guerrilla survival major from Managua, Nicaragua, said she supports the new regime. "Female dominance in the administration is a move in the right direction. This is just what the movement needs to sweep not only the campus, but the state, the nation and the world. "But now we need to figure out a way to make men have the babies." 0 Campus unfes fading Catcfe: C em, saie 'em, and tefifi yout tenets t T i r ri v x , , 7y--. I lr - r?' i I - 1 V - I r ' jm"k ---p if I f J I, " IS X 'J I full name: i claim to fame: I hair eyes: favorita song: I favorite thing to do on a date: 1 I .-. Christopher Columbus rviuiiam 111 University chancellor satiny silver cornflower blue "War Pigs" by Black Sabbath make wild dough nuts with his Caprice Classic in the Bell Tower parking lot full name: claim to fame: hair eyes: favorite song: favorite thing Donald A Boulton vice chancellor and dean of student affairs sparse but striking boyish brown "Your Love is Large" by Billy Warden and the Floating Children water ski on to do on a data: University Lake I I I I 1 V. ' full name: claim to fame: hair: eyes: favorite song: favorite thing to do on a date: Herman Reid Jr. UNC basketball standout sensually square deep pools of warmth "Top of the World" by the Carpenters picnic on egg salad sandwiches and Y-8 juice in the SAC, followed by a dunk drill I I I I I full name: I claim to fame: I hair I eyes: g favorite song: J favorite thing I to do on a date: I I I T1 I I I I 1 - f .. X V - - r Brian David Bailey student body president warm chestnut dyed to match "You Give Love a Bad Name" by Bon Jovit play charades with the brothers at g the Delta Upsilon house I I full name: Dale Thomas McKinley claim to fame: anti-apartheid activist hair: tousled to tease eyes: piercing yet playful favorite song: "These Boots Were Made For Walkin' " by Nancy Sinatra favorita thing get cozy with to do on a date: champagne and CheezWhizina shanty on South Lawn yii6 a woman a job ana she gftows mm. acK yewet Qjzg

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